HI all :wave:


Well .. what's been happening since my return?

Not alot. :confused:

FIL is coming home this afternoon. The social Worker "G" is horrified, and I'm terrified because nothing else is in place to help me out. Nobody has gone to visit the two nursing homes to prepare ourselves for the facing of FIL and the current situation ..

and all in all ... I sit here, waiting for somebody to MAKE A DECISION!!!

L HAS decided to go to College (Yay .. finally .. a decision!!! sheesh ....:( )
DH is still at his TAFE course (final year, can't stop him now)
BIL isn't booking any jobs on a Monday to help me out, but will work if the need arises (ok .. I can work with that one).

A friend of MIL's rang me today and asked what was happening, and I told her EVERYTHING .. so she's ringing their joint friends and seeing if they will take MIL every Thursday for most of the day ... that would be nice .... :)

I informed FIL today that I'm pretty broken right now. I can do food, I can do med's, but physical ... nope .. sorry .... I can't even lift a 2 litre bottle of coke!! I packed FIL into the car on Monday afternoon and re-hurt myself. Not AS bad as it was, but I'm still hurting .. !!!

It's waking me up at night, I'm trying NOT to take toooo many pain killers, but neither am I complaining. I'm just at the stage of <b>stating my case.</b> Yes I can do 'this', no I can't do 'that' or "I can try, oh ouch, nope, not that" or "I can try, cool .. that worked!"

I have the social worker "G" coming around tomorrow at 2.30 for a bigger chat (he was in a hurry today, but wanted to touch base,) and is concerned that none of the family have actually done anything at all!!! They all seem to be waiting for ...... well, I guess ME to do something ..

I'm NOT cooking dinner for MIL or FIL tonight (it's my night off anyway) but I will have a dinner in reserve for them *just in case*

That's the latest ... I even forgot to go to the doctor for my BP check up on MOnday .. whoops!!

Hugs
Sally

Mercy Sally!

I almost got my MIL a shirt that said "Ask me - I can't say NO". Glad you've found the self preservation voice!!!!!! Poor shoulder. Poor neck. Poor Sally. My angel MIL has never found that voice. Poor angel MIL! Stick to your guns and refuse to do what will or might harm you.

Good grief!!!!!!!!! Have the blood kin of FIL and your MIL forgotten you're related by marriage?????????????? It's not your job to scope out residences for them or to make such decisions. They are big boys now and it's their job. How much can Social Worker G. accomplish? I hope he can move mountains, empty double rooms, ignite fuses under the sons, and ease your burdens, dear heart.

Sally, you're an angel in sandals! Bless your heart and neck and shoulder and the rest of you. Wish I could help.

Hugs - Barbara :)

I am awaiting a phone call from BIL ... apparently he rang a nursing home and was supposed to ring me today, he ended up popping in, but I had to go out .. in between all that, I bumped into L, and she said BIL was going to ring me and was shocked he hadn't .. BIL and I caught up tonight .. and ahhhhh ... he will ring me shortly.

Good O' !!

Bumping into L today, and I said "how's the course going" and she said "Well, I'm being forced to do it, so .. well .. you know ..................." .... and me sits quietly and doesn't say anything (except positive words of I'm glad your doing it, and good that your doing it, and and and .....) and I quietly thinks ....... "hmmmmmm .... " then I 'mention' to FIL her statement and he says that BIL told him thinks it's a bit silly she's insisting on doing the course.

Games? Miscommunication? Another way to look like she's wanting to help but not?

MIL having a few issues today. Got an account from a doctor and was confused. FIL told her he was coming home tonight, and got confused. I prepared a dinner for them and sent my son down with the 'welcome home Pa' dinner, and she was confused, needed to send a Fax today and got the "NO NO NO .. go away" from MIL, tonight we've had slamming doors and a bit of huffing and the "horrible horrible" at me, and BIL says "well I saw her today and she was quite lucid" ...... ahh yes .. you saw her for ONE HOUR ........ ok .. maybe even TWO ..... but <b>YOU DON'T SEE THE TRUTH !!!!!</b>

don't believe me? Come and live here for 2 months ....... but the answer I get is NO ... so .... who's not facing the truth?

Venting ........ gotta vent........... off to take some pain relief

Hugs
Sally

Dear Sally,

I don't know how you do it. I don't understand the 'I'm being forced to do it." Forced by whom? Did someone say to L "do the course, then you won't have to mind MIL a lot of the time?" That's so unfair to you. If she isn't really interested in the course or taking it seriously, what good will it do her or anyone else?

Meanwhile you have to keep plugging away for more help. If MILs friends take care of her every Thursday, that is wonderful, but still leaves YOU with Friday, Saturday, Sunday etc.... not good enough.

I have high hopes that the social worker can intervene and get people to do things. Remember your vow: if she hits you or your kids (I added the last bit) drive her to the Psych hospital and leave her there.

Remember, it isn't her. It's the Imposter, and the Imposter has to be dealt with.

Praying for you. Is there any treament for the neck other than pain pills?

Love,

Martha

Hi Martha,

I'm not sure how I'm doing it either .. but BOY O BOY was I diplomatic tonight! LOL

L informed me that BIL is forcing her to do the course.... BIL (trained nurse) informed others that the Assistant In Nursing course (the one she's doing) is a stupid course.

Truth? Yeah . .. right .. it's out there .. I'm just sifting through the Ka Ka ...

Yes, the imposter is here .. the trouble is, some people don't TRULY believe there IS an imposter ... I guess they're the ones riddled with guilt .. not me ....

Let's see... MIL's weekly routine:
Sunday Morning : Church
Monday Morning: 10 Pin Bowling
Tuesday : Nothing
Wednesday : Nothing
Thursday : Well, hopefully friends
Friday : Nothing
Saturday : Nothing

of course, Nothing days can be filled in with shopping .. food / goodies .. whatever.

I hope the friends come through, because that will be one day of being able to BREATH.

And anything else for the neck? Well, although I missed the doctors appointment on Monday, i will try and make another .. he can check by BP and I'll push my neck. Trouble is .. getting people to listen to me .. as I crash, I feel I'm being ignored as complaining, whinging and 'going on about it'.

I don't feel at all valuable or useful .. I'm feeling somewhat in the way.

ESPECIALLY when BIL says "Well I found Mother quite lucid today, i don't see why other people have a problem with it"

BLIND ........ ABSOLUTELY BLIND ........... methinks........

come on Social Worker G ............. I need you more than you could imagine.

Hugs to all
that's my vent for tonight
(yes, just tonight)

Sally

NOT FEELING USEFUL? Come again? Useful is far too small a word for your selfless work these past 10 months ... essential, indispensible!

I fully understand your feelings. When my sister said "Mom was just pulling the doctor's leg" and "she was perfectly lucid on the phone" and "it's not Mom, it's YOU." I felt I couldn't go on for another day. and yes, there is a feeling of satisfaction anticipatred when I think of how E will react to Mom's blank look which comes and goes. The first day or 2 she may be on "guest' behavior, but even that cannot restore her common sense, her memory, her reactions.

Yesterday I pointed out an error in her Center's monthly bulletin...They had written Thursday: LION of pork, instead of loin.

I laughed and expected her to laugh too. BUT, on TV, a discussion on NY as an Olympic site was on, and they were showing an ice skating rink. (I figured out the mis-connections later) and Mom said Yes, we always used to go there. You could rent skates. I said what? where? What are we talking about? Mom said " about the Center going on a trip to an ice skating rink. I hope they get a whole bus full. " There is no such trip planned, and I still didn't see the connection - unless there is a Lyon's Park or some such thing? Loin of Pork heard as Lyon's Park? and the TV image making it a skating park? This is the state of everyday communications .. how can my sister NOT see it?

Hang in there and tell the social worker what you need and must have ..and hope he can get the 3 sons to apply for full time care ... for 2, not for 3 ... if they keep misusing your good heart .. :nono:

Love,

Martha

Nope, I was wrong .. extra venting needed.

DH and I were sifting through FIL's hospital bag, sorting out medications, scripts, bits and pieces.. and MIL stood at the door and huffed. I walked out quite calmly and said "oh he comes home with a lot of junk .. he's worse than the kids sometimes" and she chilled out a bit .. but you could tell she wasn't happy.

I don't think she wants FIL home .. but that's my opinion ....

Anyway .. she's all a bit iffy. We got to talking about medications, and I asked her to 'show me' what she's taking. I used basic sign language, and she SORT OF got it .. (ok .. she kept taking me into her bedroom, so I kept guiding her into the kitchen) .. we went through it and through it .. you have to take these, stop taking that one, keep taking those ... nice .. nice .. nice .. she mentioned seeing another doctor tomorrow (invoice confusion today) and I said "nah ... you don't need to see her again, no more special doctors anymore" and she echo'ed me, and I clapped and all was well.

I went into FIL and he said :

"you speak to her like she's a retarded child"

So I said

"Well, I'm sorry if you feel it's like that, but it's the only way I can clarify that things are getting through and that I understand her"

and he repeated

"but you speak to her like she's a retarded child"

<b> And I'm not packing our bags because?</b>

Can you gal's remind me exactly WHY I am doing this???????? Cause that 'helpful loving' is turning into 'fed up' rapidly.

Maybe I'm too sensitive ..... but he's REALLY REALLY pushed the wrong button tonight ........ first night home and it's gone to crap already .....

***fed up***
Sally

Hi Sally,

I'm sitting here with mouth hanging open in disbelief. :eek:

FIL is outrageous. He's been away for weeks and has no clue. Maybe he would prefer everyone talk normally to Doris and have no real communtication take place. It would sound good and be useless. Maybe he's bad tempered because he sees his rein ending as off to the nursing home he and ditsy Doris go. Maybe he's having second thoughts about sharing a room with Doris - the Fan Fairy!

Whatever, you're not the whipping girl. Walk out of the room.

You can tell BIL for me that whether he believes it or not, whether the sun comes up or not, whether the moon is made of green cheese or not, his mother is not well, not herself, has significant communication and cognative problems (that sometimes make her a danger to herself and others) and he can stuff his denial. Do not EVER refute your observations and experiences until he can match the time you've spent with FIL and MIL minute by minute. Then he must acknowledge Doris' medical diagnoses - he'd never presume to disregard any other patient's diagnosis.

Oh, and BIL and L. can play their silly games in their own house. Who cares if L. goes to school? Who cares who told who what? For my 2 cents, BIL should also be ashamed he belittled L's course of study. :mad:

Sally, I'd nominate you for sainthood :angel: . Maybe that's why you haven't yet packed your bags, but how you've kept from knocking their lights out (figure of speech) is beyond me. Don't do it now as it would hurt you shoulder!!

G. HURRY AND BE OF SIGNIFICANT HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Vent as needed!! ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and blessings - Barbara :)

Yes Sally you go ahead and vent all you need to. Better to get it out here than blowing up at home.

Lets see-because you care. You're frustrated, angry, hurt, upset, TIRED-and all of these things you have every right to be. It's the kind hearts like you that people like your in laws (BIL and L) take advantage of.

It's easy to deny something when you're not around it all the time. And when your MIL acts "quite lucid", could it be that
A. He's seeing her on a good day or
B. He's seeing her the way he wants to see her, the way he wishes she still were.

Either way, it's not fair to you to shift all the responsibility on you.

What you are experiencing, my dear, is caregiver burnout. Something has GOT TO GIVE! You CANNOT go on forever like this. You just might have to get ugly with BIL and L. I mean, I can understand work and school but hey, there's weekends. If they don't have the time, they can MAKE the time. That's what parents do for their children. Why can't children do that for their parents??? I'm sorry but it just p's me off when grown adults want to shun responsibility.

And how can you think you're not doing enough? You got me on the soapbox, girl, with that one! You're the ONLY ONE stepping up and caring for MIL and FIL! Don't you ever think you're not doing enough! You should be PROUD of yourself!

Ok, I'm done yelling. :) I'm giving you a cyber pat on the back!

Love, Barb

EXACTLY! You do it because you are good hearted. You get to keep on doing it because it is easier for all the others to let you do it.

Perhaps you can set a date. If nothing has significantly changed by, say, April 15th, you are leaving. Where you are going and how you are finacing it will take 6 weeks to figure out. A long visit to your Mom , staying with friends, anywhere but there! Hand over the patients to the rest of the family.

Good luck! If they take you seriously they will start right now with the Sally-Relief Plan: one person every Saturday ALL DAY not 4 hours ... One every Sunday. The friends on Thursdays. Someone esle to take her bowling and pick her up on Mondays. Someone to come to the house and baby sit with FIL and keep him occupied, clean and happy. Anything that costs money is shared by all 3 sons.

TRY it.

I got their attention when I said I was ready to spend every cent I had to put Mom into a nursing home. (I might have enough for 2 or 3 months!!!) That's when my Brother began to talk about taking her into their home.That's when my sister agreed to pay 2 days for a 6 hour a day Aide.

And even so, I feel burnt out. It is simply too long a day: work from 8 to 2, at least 3 hours of subway and bus travel a day, then watching Mom and putting up with her 'strangeness' from 3 PM to 6 Am the next day, including interrupted nights, weekends, etc ..so even WITH help I am climbing walls, and only my prospects of a 3 week break from Mom, a weekend with K, and FREEDOM as of about June 15, is keeping me partially sane.

Talk to her like a retarded child? Wake up Daddy - she has the MENTALITY of a retarded child, and is getting worse!

Demand. The squeaky joint gets the oil. Show them your medical report. You can not and WILL not continue being the 24 hour a day 7 day a week caregiver.

If you had to enter a hospital for surgical repair of your shoulder (just an example; I'm sure you don't) THEY WOULD FIND A WAY. Let them find it sooner.

Love,
Martha

Ok ....... had a lovely 1 hour meeting with G. He's a nice lad.

Still not sure if there is anybody about to shower FIL ...*sigh* .. because FIL refused services a few years back .. <b>THEY'VE REMEMBERED</b> .. and are having issues that they'll send someone and he'll buck the system again (not surprisingly) .. so I was told to ring the Carer Respite Centre ..who have informed me today that they probably can't help me, but if they could it would only be short term, because the Home Care Services should do it (the ones who remember FIL), Carer Respite don't get funding for personal care, and unless he's in palliative care, we'll be pushing any kind of personal care assistance. They're going to ring me tomorrow and see what they can offer.

Oh goodie ............

We also touched on <b>ME</b> ..... my emotions, my feelings, my reasonings, my ethics, morals and goodness knows what else. I'm a complicated gal !

8-10 soggy tissues later ......... LOL ...... I've been told I have a profound insight into myself because I've sorta figured some of my behaviour ...... has <b>alot</b> to do with my Dad's death last year .. he was quite amazed I had come up with that myself, and when I pointed out that I am a Student Councellor (although very early days) he said I'm going to be very good at it .

I just have to work on myself .. which I know .. which is why it's taking me SO LONG to do the course.. it's emotionally exhausting, because it does make you look at yourself and repair!! (In a normal healthy human, a damaged mentally ill person finds it much much harder) .. but I digress ... again *sigh* ...

He's going to come back on Tuesday around 11am because he wants to help me work through the grief of loosing my Dad, why I bottle up emotions until it's too late .. ( a repeat behaviour of mine, I do admit it), why I can't be more assertive in stating my case, why I tend to let things slide at the cost of ME ..

I'm not used to thinking about me, I'm always thinking about others and how I can help them (for instance, I made a friend of the family some lasagne meals because he got robbed the other week and has no money), yet my other 'self' is on the defensive saying "I'm invincable - I don't need help" .. I'm just a walking contradiction really ! LOL

Anyway, that's the latest in the latest events. Am checking out ONE nursing home tomorrow morning with BIL and L and DH and ME ... have a friend of MIL checking out the other nursing home (<i>bad word, bad word, don't call them nursing homes, they are aged care facilities here - sounds so much nicer</i>) and await BIL's choice of facing FIL with his increasingly limited options.

Y'know .. in a perfect world, FIL would see the struggle, realise the problems and say to us "Time to get me into one of those Aged Care Facilities" ...... wouldn't that make life SO much easier!! Then MIL could join him by the end of the year, and EVERYBODY would be safe and happier.

In the real world, I have this sinking feeling of dread.

Hugs gals .....

Sally

Dear Sally,

I am contemplating your latest letter. Wow. You have so much insight into everything that is happening. Losing your Dad last yearand then within a couple of months taking over the care of your husband's dad and mom .. yes, I can begin to see the connection.

So, even if we know what prompted you to take upon yourself this burden, we still don't have the more important answer: how do you get out of it, reduce your responsibilities, and spread the load out thinner among more people?

I see nothing repugnant about 'nursing home', the words. A nurse is a caring person, we nurse our babies, and a home is a warm friendly place.. 'aged care facility' sounds so hard and cold. Like a place to store old machines. My Mom hates the word aged. She said I am not a cheese.(this was when her sense of humor was still intact.) She also doesn't use 'old'. We are not old' only 'older.' Older than Methuselah, I think.

When people tell me 'you have the genes for a long long life, I say "who needs it?" Anyhow, all 4 of my grandparents died relatively young. In their 60's or earlier.

Long life is great if you are fairly intact .but ...???

Hugs to all, especially new members.

Love,

Martha

HI Martha,

Actually, we 'started' moving in here in May ..it took us 2 months to move in and my Dad died the day after my birthday, he died on the 3rd June. A really good friend of mine died on the 4th of June. Do I want to celebrate my birthday this year?? :rolleyes: I don't think so, anyway we were slowly moving in here when Mum rang me to tell me Dad had passed away. I went into shock, I went into disbelief, but I just kept on doing what I do best, keeping busy and looking after people. Crying all night, and at moments, alone ... non stop for 2 months I howled and howled, I ANNOYED myself at this 'stupid' crying, this POINTLESS exhaustion I would send myself into ......... yet continue lovingly caring for my FIL .... and I remember saying ...... "your the only Daddy figure I've got left now" .. and it's the GUILT of not being there for my Dad at the end, my mother saying to me when I asked if I should go down "nah .. it'll be ok" and my Dad departing our world within 3 days ..... I couldn't help him, so I'm DAMN WELL GONNA HELP THIS ONE ......

Ooooo .. I think I'm depressed and grieving ....

G told me that a long time ago a woman 'decided' there was 7 levels of grief .. you know the ones, denial, anger, bargaining, ignoring ......... etc until acceptance. Well G said "but why??? Why should you accept that your loved one isn't there anymore? You still have beautiful memories, you still can keep your relationship alive with photo's and stories and anything else ..." .... and he's so right !!!!!!!!

But anyway ..... I waffle on .. perhaps in my journey of acceptance and understanding I can help someone else...........

Lord love a duck, I just can't help myself can I?

Hugs
Sally
*who is in quite a bad mood tonight ..... mentioned our friends would like us to go camping and MIL got quite cross and cranky and 'grrrrr' at the table... but of course, I have to talk to her like a normal person ...... thrilled?? nope*

Sal, you DON'T have to talk to her like a normal person. You can keep on talking to her like a retarded child because that's where she is. FIL can grin and bear it.

I see a connection between your self sacrifice and guilt, and I greatly fear that my SIL, Anna, who is willing to take Mom in as of June, is also guilt ridden because she finally couldn't deal with her AD Mom any more, sent her to live with her brother, and then into a nursing home, where she died. SHE ALSO wants to 'be there for this one" and "this is the only Mom I have left." I appreciate her sacrifice but wonder what it will do to her, psychologically, when it inevitably gets worse and worse.

That is why I always reserve the possibility of a nursing home no matter how everyone protests 'no no'. It may become a necessity! My brother and sister in law are going to be Grandparents in June, God willing, and will also be doing a lot of baby sitting for the two young working parents ..so how can Mom-care fit into that picture?

It is so sad to lean on this as 'the way out' but it is true: Mom will be 97 this year and her life expectancy is zero. I did a life expectancy test on the internet for me, (90 plus) my kids (high 90s except for the smoker, who got 80), and everyone else in the family - just for fun. Mom's answer came out "you have already outlived your life expectancy." So that means ...a short stint for Bill and Anna.

Why are women generally so guilt ridden? Why do we have to be all and do all for all people? We are only human after all. I never sem to find a guilt ridden male anywhere.

Are boys taught to accept their limitations? Girls seem not to be ...

I hope even just your sessions with G will help you. Your sense of humor held up for a long time. Try to laugh at FIL when he makes those ridiculous comments. By the way, how does he speak to his wife? In a normal tone, expecting normal answers? or as little as possible?

I hope after your birthday you will start to recover ..it is said to take a year to get over a death of a close loved one. My SIL's Mom died last March.

Love and prayers,

Martha

Dear Sally,

It's good that you're getting this out in the open now rather than later. I did the same thing you did when my mom passed away. I cried and cried and was angry at myself for not spending more time with her. The guilt I put myself through was horrendous.

And I understand about the birthday. Mom died 5 days after my 31st birthday. Every birthday that went by for 11 years, I kept all of these feelings inside.

Then last year, my aunt (dad's brother's wife) passed away. I was never particularly close to her so I didn't understand why I felt so deeply about her passing. I cried and cried and cied. Then a dear friend of mine whom I had confided in asked the key question. She said "Is there some unresolved issues with your mother's death, not your aunt's, that has you so upset?" BINGO! My aunt had me called several weeks before she passed. She wanted to speak to me but I wasn't home. I never called her back. So there were the guilt feelings of not calling my aunt back. And when those feelings hit me, I didn't realize that was also the guilt of not spending more time with my mom.

Sally, be patient with yourself. Let yourself feel the feelings. Grieve for your dad. YOU ARE NOT GUILTY! You didn't know when he was going to pass on. He knows you would have been there if you knew how bad it was. He does NOT want you to blame yourself! Spend your time cherishing the time you did spend with him.

As for me, I have to be very careful because I tend to get into helping others so that I don't have to look at myself and my feelings. I'd rather get lost in someone else's problems than to have to deal with my own. Of course, now it's much easier for me because I recognize that about myself and I have the ability (I don't always do it-I'm human) to switch gears and put the focus back on myself.

Take care and many cyber hugs to you!

Barb

Ok ............ a phone call today in response to mine yesterday about someone to shower FIL ...

Starting Monday ...... I have someone come in Monday, Wednesday and Friday, just after lunch to shower him ...... I only have this service for 6 weeks and over the Easter long weekend (Friday to Monday) He'll miss out as well. They've estimated I should be better by then and can resume normal duties!!!

Hmmmmmm ....

In between all this FIL will be back in hospital for his other cataract surgery early April, notwithstanding any further infections or downslide in his condition.

He's turning into a cranky crotchety demanding old man at the moment .. he's been home two nights, and each night has been a drama. He hates his $2,500 bed (electric hospital type bed) .. he hates the mattress, he hates the control, he won't go into his old Queen Size bed in his bedroom, he wants his 4 (yes, 4) urine bottles stacked up like little soldiers on his bed, but then demands one get's put on the floor. You put it on the floor, and he get's cross and say's he doesn't want it there and never said so .. so you stand there, like a statue, holding a urine bottle waiting for his next step. If you make a suggestion, it's wrong (and I said that last night .. well every suggestion I've made has been wrong, so you figure it out and call me) .. and I'm getting VERY FRUSTRATED with HIM now............ on the bright side, MIL was in a top mood as we're all gathered around his bedside ...... !!!! He's miserable, she's happy, she's miserable he's happy ... either one of them is miserable, so are we upstairs!!! *sigh*

Geeeeeeez, how did he manage in the damn hospital eh??

Checking out a "Aged Care FAcility" in a few hours .. will write more then I hope

Hugs
Sally

Sally it is scary to hear this, is FIL ALSO getting Dementia????

Sally,

I hope the aged care facility is promising. You need relief. Now. The facility doesn't have to be a home away from home. It must kindly provide the needed care in a clean environment.

This is so unfair. As if your sadness at losing your dad isn't enough, and losing your sweet mother-in-law wasn't/isn't awful, now your almost dad is behaving badly. Not fair! It's well and good to understand that your sorrow over losing your dad is affecting you to this day, but it is NOT the reason that you're fed up. You have beaten back the odds for close to a year. FIL is still alive thanks to your good care. MIL is still at home because you have made that possible. You have valiantly cared for FIL and MIL in their preferences, oddities, and medical conditions. You have kept your own famiy afloat, too. You have simply used up your reserves and understanding what else might be bothering you isn't going to replenish what is used up. You need months away from all but your DH and kids.

The aged care counsel must understand FIL's care is no longer "until they reckon you'll be well again". You're out of the loop. If the loop remains at home, you're out of that home. If the loop moves entirely to an aged care facility, you can enjoy the home. The ill are beyond your abilities to care for them - they require too much. You are one person. You can do no more. Enough.

Bless your heart. You've done well. Well done! Understand that continuing to try is harmful to you. That will be harmful to your DH and kids. For your good and the good of your family, as Martha said, declare after some specific date or event (the eye surgery?) after which FIL and MIL are no longer home or you are no longer their caregiver - period. It's not your family's turn any more.

Blessings and hugs - Barbara :wave:

p.s......maybe FIL's new unreasonable petty control issues are due to a lack of oxygen. Not that it makes it okay or reasonable. Maybe it's his way of demonstrating his "rage against the dying of the light" as poet Dylan Thomas put it. That's something else you and the doctors cannot fix.

Just a thought. Take good care of yourself, honey. (((hugs))) Barbara :)

Oh you girls make me feel so much better .. you really do you know !!

Ok .. we met up with BIL and L and one facility .. its LOVELY .. it's only been opened since last September 2004, and they still have two wings not opened. It's complicated in costings, but basically MIL and FIL will be assessed by our ACAT team (we know all this) and we know they are being assessed as High Dependency. This Facility has High Dependency (HD) Basic, and HIgh dependency (HD+) plus .. the plus means you get a choice of meals and extra medical assistance such as physio etc. Even so, basic HD still gives you choices, and you still get physio anyway ...... <<shrugging shoulders>> I think it's also called splitting hairs and who can afford what LOL .. but it's VERY nice .. colour scheme was pleasant, beautiful gardens and flat ground to walk around, elevator between the two levels anyway .. it would be PERFECT for them - they have a BBQ area and family and friends are invited to come and have family day's with them, they can leave the facility and come out with us at any time (not if they're sick sick of course) ... it was LOVELY .. they will even accommodate FIL with his new bed ... allow his computer/internet in the room ... his manual wheelie, his scooter ... it would be like living in a luxury hotel but with 24/7 nursing!!!! MIL could have a next door room or an across the hallway room - near enough but soliatary enough to have their own space ... the bathrooms are perfect ... it's just .. just .. PERFECT .........

We went to another Facility, and it was JUST as nice, actually, probably a bit nicer. Grounds were a bit more concreted than I prefer, but the individual rooms are HUGE, the dining rooms and reading rooms and 'tea' rooms are HUGE .. it was a real sort of village atmosphere, only difference being this place isn't fully air conditioned .. and that would be a problem for FIL .. he can install his own (at a cost of $1400) but the facility would absorb the running costs and it would end up staying in the room when his time was up.

So .. first thought is the first one ..

Now comes the problem of approaching FIL with the news. "Dad, it's time ..." and THAT'S the hard part ......... saying it ......... and although I've put the boys onto the job, I'm laying bet's it'll be me eventually ...........*sigh*.

anyway ... if nothing else, we're armed with some facts now.

Hugs girls .....
Sally

Hi Sally,

What good news! I'm so glad both places are lovely, light, and well arranged. Perhaps FIL could go see each and choose. That way, he'd have a say in the decision??

That's what I did with Mom. I took her to see two places that were not too far from her older sister's home. One place had nice apartments, but the common areas were small. The place she chose to move to had large and gracious common rooms and sunny apartments with good closet space and good size rooms. They both offered almost an "a la carte menu" of nursing care and other care (laundry, room cleaning). Mom was not at all happy about leaving her home, but she knew she had problems doing a lot of things.

When I decided Mom absolutely could not remain at home and that I didn't have time to find someone to live with her (her sister was too infirm and was 87), I sat Mom down and held her hands. I told her I had something to say that she wouldn't like, but I had to say it because I loved her and wanted her to be safe and get the care and good food she needed. I told her that we'd go see a couple of senior apartments because she could no longer safely live alone. She could make the choice. We cried, but I was firm. It was so sad. I just held her in my arms and hugged her, rocking a little, telling her over and over that I loved her.

I do so hope this transition goes as best it possibly can for everyone. It won't be easy. I asked my DH if I could please be absent! I survived. Mom survived, and she wasn't angry for long.

(((hugs))) and blessings - Barbara

Dear Sally , that is wonderful news. Let the sons present the news to FIL, not you. All you can do is reinforce the decision. "It is the best thing for YOU." Never mention that you yourself need relief.

I am using that tack for my Mom. I know you would rather stay in your own apartment but going to ive with B and A is better for YOU. YOU need more help, and there you will get it.

I did once say "it is difficult for me" but immediately dropped that line of reasoning when I saw her look. It was as if she had been accused of gross misbehavior.
Yesterday and the day before Mom was strangely slient. The non stop chatter has dried up. I asked my brother what he thought. Maybe she is afraid of saying anything for fear of being corrected? I try not to correct, but it may have some truth in it. If she says she saw Stella today, I am likely to say Stella who? Not realizing it was her sister in law who died long ago ..and then even point out to her that Stella died. I will have to really stop and think before answering, I do not want her to be uncomfortable with me because I 'correct her mistakes.' Darn! That's the Teacher in me. OR, she is getting depressed. She shows no joy at going to Ohio. "J doesn't really want me there." J is E's husband. True. He never likes company.

Sally you must stick to your deadline, and not let anyone or anything get in the way. I am sure that all the brothers will be HAPPY to see their parents in a safe place with trained helpers.

Good luck

Martha

My ex-sister in law (BIL'S ex wife) called me tonight .. informs me she called in the ACAT team because she had to.

Ok .. fine .. somebody had to do something .....but she keeps apologising?? Why?? She says she also reported the situation to the Department of Community Affairs (DOCS) who have a tendency to take children <b>AWAY</b> from dangerous areas. MANY people claim this is a dangerous living area because of MIL ..... so what .. I lose my kids??

<b>NO WAY ........ NO WAY ......... NO WAY ........... *panting*</b>

She's an ex-sister in law for a reason .. heavy violent drinker .. attitudes, lies, stories, but .. some of BIL's latest behaviour makes you think maybe not all her stories were twisted ....... LOL

Tonight we had a nice dinner. Chicken Cutlets, honey/soy chicken leg and potato wedges and peas. MIL a bit out of sorts today. The longer FIL stays home, the more addled she gets ... it's a noticed behaviour now ..... the eye opening 'ah ha!' happens.

I got 'locked' in the toilet, (broken handle) and had to call for help. MIL got cross with me for 'whatever reason' .... imitated she never has a problem and just does 'this' .. but hey yeah .. she doesn't shut the door either ! LOL ... DH let me out .. *phew* .....

FIL and I went through his med's tonight, threw out old/out of date/never to be used medications, sorted expiry dates, filled his weeks supply ... MIL not thrilled but not doing anything else either ...

Anyway, Ex-SIL is on the phone again .. will talk more again later.

Hugs
Sally

Hi Sally,

Mercy, it does try to get more complex!! That ex-SIL is a wild card, isn't she? On the one hand, it's good she called the ACAT team, but that other...? That could tip the balance and move things more quickly. Nope, you don't lose your kids because the wheels are in motion to remove MIL from the home. She's gone and *presto* the environment is safe.

Hope that 2nd phone call from ex-SIL was helpful and wasn't more hassle.

I vote the bathroom door handle should be fixed today just so it's one less thing to deal with. It could be a problem if no one was there to let you out except of ditsy Doris. Mischief could be afoot with you stuck in the loo! Not good!

Maybe today is the day for the sons to brave their dad. Nothing is gained by putting it off. Delay could increase difficulties in every direction (especially in your direction). Can China son lend his input and support for moving by phone, email, letter, or appearance? They need to be firm. It's time to move, you choose where or we'll choose for you by the end of the week.

Really do NOT go back to doing all for everyone as you were doing. FIL will be glad to slip back into that routine and not move at all. FIL and MIL get no choice to stay home. It's time to move - in the next 10 days. And Sally, don't you get rooked into going to see them every day at the new place!!!!!!!!!!!! Not every other day either!!!!!!!!!!! Once or twice a week for an hour is plenty.

Saint Sally, hang in there. I hope all works like clockwork - the sons act in unison in the next few days, FIL seees the wisdom and cooperates, a place is chosen and the furniture is loaded. Have the tissues ready. Send flowers to their new rooms (or you can use stencils and paint like I did if the facility allows it!). Rearrange the house. Say good-bye to BIL and L for at least a week. No other company for a week either. Let peace decend.

In the chaos du jour of our house remodel, that's your custom version of my pie-in-the-sky vision for someday!!

(((hugs))) girlfriend! Peace and blessings - Barbara