Hey sweetie how are you? Please let us know what is going on with you. We are all worried.
Hope all is well.
Love ya

Oh god I really hope nobody has been worrying...things are just not going good with me just now. So, where to begin...ok so in the last few weeks I have been almost sectioned three times now. I have been so amazingly fortunate that I have pulled enough tricks to keep me out...only now I am beginning to think they should...cos i think I am really starting to be a danger to myself...plus my body is really not doing good. I have troubles with my liver anyway,..and now I think my kidneys are starting to fail or something (melodramatic I know) but... I am not urinating...like only twice since sunday...and i have been drinking loads (cos I was water loading for my weighing appts). I don't know what to do anymore. And my husband really does not know how bad things have got because I have been lying so much to him, and I hate that I do that. But its just so hard for him to understand why I would want to do this to myself.
I am starting to get the feeling that I have totally and completely lost myself to the anorexia. I don't really exist now - my life is anorexia. And is that really a life at all?
Its funny ya know - I remember when I had to really work to not eat... now food just seems so strange to me, like what are you meant to do with it? Oh, you EAT it, how does someone EAT at all, whats the point? I know that sounds so stupid, but its all gone so surreal for me.
So...thats my news. I want to take this time to thank you all for posting to me as well, your support is much appreciated. I am sorry I have not responded sooner, but I am literally exhausted and also I have a feeling I am pulling back from interacting with people, for fear of being...judged? or maybe of being an annoyance to others. Anyway, you are all such lovely wonderful people, who really deserve to get better and find some peace within your own skin. You are beautiful and you are caring, and to all my old friends from the boards, and to the new ones too, I send a big hug to you. xoxoxo

Oh honey you are never annoying, we love you and care about you.
It sounds like your body is really shutting down slowly. Oh dear, what can I say to convince you that you are worthy, you are special, you deserve to live and be happy. Anorexia is a demon and you have to fight it, don't let it win. Eating is not a bad thing even if it's a little bit.
Would you be willing to get help? What can I say or do to convince you that you are a blessed angel that came to this earth and has helped so many of us on this board.
Please don't let this illness win, please don't give up in the fight. Stay strong and ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, your husband will be so proud of you. Please...........
Keep us posted and don't give up.
Love ya.

Hey Aur- havent heard from you in a while...i would ask how everything is but i can pretty much read it all above!

Aur I know ive said this way too many times before, but you really really need help. This isnt just "oh i will eat more" anymore...its a matter of life or death, and im not being melodramatic. I wouldnt be surprised if your kidneys DID fail, from all the stress theyve been through! Please PLease stop water loading...let the hospital help you!!

PLease PLEASE listen to us all and let it go....let the right people help you! Youve got so much to live for still!!

XO GG

Hey H,

I have missed you a lot recently and been worried about you - but please don't feel guilty that I have worried. I take after my mother and am a natural worrier :) It's amazing how I have only written to you on this board but I care about you and hate to see you hurting so much and feeling that you don't deserve a healthy body and a happy life. We love you on these boards and like Sumi I wish there was a way we could make you see how wonderful you are and how you can't let the illness win. It sounds as though your body is starting to give up, but please don't give up on yourself. Please, H, talk to your husband or someone who can help you, because you can get better. Eating may seem like a strange thing to you but it's something that you need to do to keep yourself alive. Eating disorders aren't just about food but however you're feeling at the moment, you need to eat to support your mind and your body. Oh honey, I wish I could do more for you...we will not judge you here, so please don't be afraid of that and you could never be an annoyance, you are an absolute star :)

I don't know what else to say that will help you. Anorexia does not have to be your life. Things do not always have to be this way and I promise you, life is a lot easier when you have a bit of energy to do things and your every waking moment isn't comsumed by the thoughts of self-hatred, exhaustion and food. There are better days and yours are out there somewhere! I weigh over 8st and you know what? It's okay. Sometimes I have bad days and sometimes I still hate myself, but mostly it's all okay. Life can be scary but you have your husband who will support you all the way, if you let him. You have us here as well and we want to help as much as we can!

I hope that you can see life for what it is, with all the wonderful things that it holds for you. I hope that you feel you can reach out for help and fight the illness, i really hope that so much for you H.

Let us know how you are feeling and how things are going.
Love and hugs to you,
Lucy xxxxxxxx

Hey all.xxxxx just thought id pop my head in and see how u all were doing...hey to those who I know ( may not remember me but that's ok:p)...juicy lucy....aurora.......sumi.....still familiar faces. I hope you're all doing not too bad!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :wave:
Caroline

Aurora, you haven't posted in about a week and I'm starting to get worried again. Please elt us know how you are.
Juicy*Lucy how are you? I read all your posts and I'm so proud of the advice you give, you have come such a long way. I hope you are doing better and on the road to a happy recovery. Keep us posted on your progress.
Caroline, it's so nice to hear from you again. How are you doing?

Well, I'm doing ok. My pregnancy is going well. I just hit 12 weeks so we (me and my little peanut!) have reached the safe point. Hooray!
I am doing much better but have a hard time with peoples comments. (I know it's always been my problem :p )
I am still pretty nauseous and my stomach hurts all the time so I have to becareful with what I eat. Funny enough I am not worried about the weight gain and realise that there is more to life than this awful illness. But anyway enough about me.
Hope you are all well.
Lots of hugs. ((((((((((((((((((((9 ;) ))))))))))))))))))))

I second sumi's worries- Aur you haven't been around much (and my emails are bouncing back). The last time you posted things didnt sound great for you- I hope youre doing alright and are letting people take care of you properly...

Hey girls

Aurora, I'm also worried and really hoping you're okay, do let us know how you are sweetie, we care about you so much.

Sumi - you star! 12 weeks eh? It sounds like you've got the whole pregnancy glow thing going on, and I am just so happy for you and so proud of you for dealing with everything so well. :D I'm smiling so much!! I hope you and the 'little peanut' are doing well; it really sounds like you are! Keep us up to date with everything that's going on and how the eating's going coz I miss you when you're not on the boards :)

Caroline, good to hear from you! I hope things are going well for you, you're at uni, right? I hope it's all going good, you deserve it :)

As for me, I'm doing pretty well at the moment. Things are really, really busy at work, I'm co-managing a launch event next week, so I'm burning off more calories because I'm so busy at work all day. It's actually meaning that I'm eating more, and I have more energy, and I've been in a really good mood all week, I'm actually feeling really happy at the moment. Which I'm really enjoying :) My boyfriend's home for Easter soon, 5 whole weeks of seeing him everyday! And my weight has kinda stabilised. I saw my sister at the weekend and she said 'oh, you're looking really skinny Lucy, look at your cheekbones sticking out, you really should put on some weight' but it didn't have the usual effect of 'well if she thinks I'm thin I need to lose even more' - it's not like I'm going to put on any weight or anything but that sort of comment would usually make me want to keep losing. And this time it didn't! Maybe it's because it's sunny outside that everything seems better, I don't know, but I hope I stay in this good mood for a while! It makes a welcome change.

I hope you are all well, Aurora honey please let us know how you are doing, we want to help you as much as we can.

Hugs to you all,
Lucy xxx

I think Aurora is having computer problems at the moment, although am not sure. She said she would try to get online tomorrow so maybe she will post then. She is alive and kicking though, and not IP!

Oh, Thank Goodness. Thanks for the update.

This post is hard for me to respond to...I know I feel an overwhelming sense of unworthiness that you have taken time to actually care enough to write to me. To have even spared me a thought.
I think I am realising that I have no way out of this hole I dug myself. I am just utter rubbish and should have been drowned at birth. I don't deserve food, I don't deserve friendship, I don't deserve life.
I am filled with such utter emptiness and despair. I love you all so much, I wish with every fibre of my being that you all learn to love yourselves and realise what amazing people you are. Realise that you are so beautiful inside - that you deserve to shine like the stars that you are.
Love always, H xoxoxo

H honey,

I can only imagine how hard it is for you to respond to our posts when we so openly care about you. It's also hard for me and all of us to read the words you write, that you cannot see the beauty in yourself that we see. I know you say that you can't find a way out of this, but there is a way out, for all of us. It doesn't matter how deep we get, we can always claw our way back up. Of course it's hard but it can be done. The fact that you love us all here on these boards and want us to see the beauty inside ourselves tells me that you haven't given up. You can see that we deserve life, just as we can see that you deserve it. And you do, H, you deserve the whole world, your kind words on these boards have been an inspiration to me ever since I started coming here. You have shown me that even in the darkest of times you can find the light to show others the way, even if you are blinded to that light yourself. Sometimes trust is all there is, and this is something that you have to trust us on, because honey, you deserve so, so much, but most of all you deserve happiness and to be free from all this mess. With help from the right people you can get through this and you can learn to love yourself for who you are, and you can learn to love life. It's scary as hell but the alternative is far more scary. Honey please think about what we've all said - the number of people here who care about you...we can't all be wrong! We recognise that you are a wonderful person, and there will be a lot of other people in your life who know how amazing you are as well. Please don't give up, please, please, please. If only you could see the person we see, I wish you could H. Just please don't give up.

Love and big hugs to you,
Lucy xxx

Lucy - you are an angel, I swear!
It is hard to understand. I feel like a nothing, yet you all make me long to be 'something'. I have spent a lifetime knowing I am worthless, taking any problem or worry and making it my fault. I cannot lose that mindset, but I hope one day to accept that if I tried to help as best I can, then thats all I can do.
I do love so many of you on these boards. And those I don't know that well - I still feel for you all. I know the pain you are suffering and wish with all my broken heart that I could help to heal your pain.
I guess that means you are right Lucy, I have a little hope still in me. I feel like I deserve nothing and nobody, but I still want to be there for you all, and that means I can't give up on myself. To do so would be to give up all those I love.
I am trying, yet again, one day maybe I will make it...cos the only alternative is death by anorexia, which is not a nice thing for my family and friends to have to watch.
Big hugs my friend,
Love H xoxo

It's so good to hear from you and know that you are hanging in there. You are an kind person and a caring soul. You are worthy, you are not to blame for situations that are not in your control.
I wish I could reach out and give you a hug and tell you how much you mean to so many of us on these boards. I don't want you to ever feel that you are a burden.
You were put on this earth for a reason and whether you know it or not you are an inspiration to so many people on this board.
You need to learn to let go of other peoples problems and accept that somethings are just meant to be. I always try and fix everyones problems and that takes a toll on me too.
You are worthy, you are special, you deserve to be happy.
Take care.

Thanks for all your support Sumi, it really is so lovely of you.
So tell me, how is your eating going now you are eating for you and the baby? Are you coping OK honey? I know it must seem strange having to eat for someone elses sake as well as your own. Keep us posted on your progress honey.
I am so happy for you to have been blessed with this gift of a baby, and you deserve all the happiness that the future holds for your little family.
Hugs H xoxo

Hey H,

I'm no angel :angel: just someone who cares about you a lot. If there was a way I could help you outside this board I would. You have helped me an awful lot in my own recovery - with realising how lucky I am to have these wonderful people round me and that life may be scary but the alternative, as you said, is much worse. I remember people like you who help me out and I always want to do as much as I can in return.

I know you say that you have spent your whole life 'knowing' that you're worthless. The thing is though, that's just your perception of things. Just as I have spent much of my life 'knowing' I'm fat (the image I have of myself in my head is of a short and somewhat stocky figure, when in fact that's a long way from the truth) I am beginning to accept that I may not be right. We're not always the best judges of our own character; sometimes it takes an outsider to see what we cannot. You have to surround yourself with positivity - you have your husband, and you have us, your friends, your job - and start to believe other people when they say you are a good person. You can then internalise these positive thoughts, and start believing in yourself. Self-confidence is one of the keys to getting over anorexia, and although loving yourself for who you are may seem a long way off, it can be along the path you choose to take and life is a lot better once you stop hating yourself.

I think at this stage you need to keep reminding yourself that life may be scary, but the alternative is much worse (by your own admission). You say you are trying...and I will support you every step of the way.

Big hugs to you H,
Lucy xxx

Well Lucy - you seem like an angel from where I am sitting, lol!
I am surprised and very happy that you feel I have helped at some points with your recovery. If I had it in my power I truly would love nothing more than to shoulder the pain that eats away (literally) at each of you, but its beyond my ability and I have to except that. (though it hurts like Hell). Instead all I can do is try and be here when I am needed, to give support in the only way I can.

I know I am blessed with some amazing people in my life, including you and my other board buddies, but I feel so undeserving of you all. Like one day you will realise that I really am a bad person, and turn away from me. And part of me tries to old back and not get attached to anyone, but I always end up getting too attached, and loving people so much it hurts.

I know the alternative to choosihng life is much worse, I try to think of it in terms of the pain it will cause those I love, but its hard. Sometimes I truly wish i would just disappear, or fade into nothingness. Anorexia, for me anyway, is unfortunately a very visible attempt at disappearing. Lol, can't even get that one right eh? hehe

Thanks so much for all your support Lucy, you have no idea how much joy it brings me knowing you are around for me, as I am here for you too. ALWAYS.

Big hugs to you my friend,
H xoxo

Hey, hope you are all doing well. Sorry I haven't written in such a long time but the battle with my boss checking my pc everyday is still ongoing.
Aurora - I'm so glad to see you on these boards, just the fact that you post puts my mind at ease cause I know you are still fighting. I hope you are getting the help that you need and the support and love to get through these difficult times. As I always tell you we are here for you and truly care about you. You can beat this and deserve to be happy. You are a survivor!
Lucy - I'm so proud of you. I can see from your posts how much you want to beat this and I think you are doing great. Just hang in there, it won't always be easy but you can do it. Your boyfriend and family sound wonderful, it must be so great to have them help you and support you through this. Now tell me, did you get your iron levels checked out? Are you still feeling tired?

As for me, I'm doing on. I'm now 14 weeks and although I thought I would be showing by now I really am not. People can't even tell I'm preggers. I get comments all the time that are very hurtfull though, like the other day I walked into the gym and the lady at the front desk looked at me and said "wow! you are getting busty" she knows I'm pregnant and said it infront of about ten people. I was really hurt and I know most of it is the hormones going crazy but still. I am also hungry all the time cause my baby is trying to grow, sometimes I get angry that I'm hungry "again" but then I just think to myself that I have been given this joy and this beautiful miracle. As my mother said to me the other day "it's only 9 months, after that you have your whole life to be on a diet" and she is right.
Anyway, love to all, take care of yourselves. :angel:

Hey,

Aurora, honey - you have helped me with my recovery. Each reply from you has given me a little more confidence that this is beatable, and I try not to take my support network for granted because you have made me feel so lucky to have it. I really hope that this makes you feel good about yourself, because it should do! You have been a great friend on these boards, I just remember when I started using them how you were so popular, all your threads had SO many replies and I didn't think you'd want to talk to a little newbie like me :) Well I appreciate every word you've said to me, it means a lot.

I know what you mean about shouldering the problems of the world, of feeling helpless and insignificant, and of trying not to love people but getting attached anyway. I was like the agony aunt for my year group at school; always listening to people's problems and doing everything I could to sort them out...it usually ended up that I sorted them out and then they fell out with me for whatever reason :) I've learned from that that you really can't make everyone elses' problems your own, and that you can support and advise, but you can't take responsibilty for anything other than your own actions.

And just so you know, we are not going anywhere! The only reason I wouldn't reply to a post of yours would be if I was on holiday without a computer :) so don't worry honey.

Sumi - 14 weeks!!! Goodness, time does fly. I really hope everything is going well, and don't worry about people making comments, they're probably just jealous of you healthy, pregnant glow! I always thought that if I got pregnant I'd have to wear a t-shirt saying 'I'm not fat, I'm pregnant'...lol :) but to be honest with you it's usually pretty obvious if someone's pregnant and easy to tell the difference between larger women and pregnant women. So don't worry!! And don't take note of these comments, if anything I expect they're meant as compliments, I mean doesn't everyone with an eating disorder miss having breasts?!!?!

It really means a lot to me that you are proud of me :) I'm kinda proud of myself sometimes...I mean today I feel a bit fat really, but I've still eaten breakfast and lunch (I'm afraid I'm still having cereal for lunch though) and I'm planning on eating this evening so it's okay. I still have the guilt after eating and the thoughts that I shouldn't eat or that I should weigh less...but I still eat and that, to me at the moment, is the main thing.

Okay, I've been at work for aaaages now, so I'm gonna go home! Speak to you girlies soon, keep your spirits up :)

Love and hugs,
Lucy xxx