Hi all, it seems like I'm on the same boat as many of you, and times are really hard right now and I could use some help...

Okay, I've been having bulimia problems since I was about 13, I'm almost 20 and in college now and between now and then, I have had my parents put me into counseling, hire a nutritionist, a trainer, among other things. I have quit and relapsed more times than I can count. I've tried counting calories knowing that 1200 should be the minimum, but I have always felt like i need to keep under 1000 or I freak out. I go through phases where I purge 3 times a day, or go days on end with nothing more than a few celery sticks. I work out EVERY day, doing around 45 minutes of intense cardio (running/wind sprints)...sometimes its hard because i have no energy, but i get it done. So all of this leaves me at 5'5 and 118-120lbs....skinny, but not unhealthy, yet.
My friends tell me I'm tiny,
I get told I'm beautiful by so many people, and I just don't accept it
I have the best boyfriend in the world, who supports me through all of this, who I hurt everytime I hurt myself. I worry that this is really hurting our relationship because I cry constantly, and we always go in circles having the same "motivational talks"...i always feel like I'm failing him......
I feel like I have it all, but nothing at the same time, I want to shake this habit so badly. WHY IS BEING A SIZE 2 NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME??? Why does every meal have to be such an inner battle? When can I skip a workout and not hate myself? My sunken eyes, my scarred knuckles... Gosh, I'm starting to cry just thinking about it.....I just want it to end, I want to stop sooo badly, I cant live like this forever

Cricket,
It's not about being a size 2 or people telling us we're beautiful. Do you look at your food and think you don't deserve it? This was my problem for a long time. It sounds like we're built the same. I'm short and small boned, around 118lbs. I'm 36 and my problems started when I was around 12. When I got to the bottom of it, I was punishing myself for just not being 'good enough'. YOU'RE WORTHY OF BEING HEALTHY. That's what I had to keep telling myself. I thought I was over this problem years ago, but , I gained all sorts of weight a few years ago due to a medical problem, relocated to a different country, my mother died and I was unemployed, left looking after an autistic child I couldn't communicate at all with. I found myself in the bathroom throwing up a sandwich, because I didn't feel worthy of eating. It shocked me that I slipped again, but that's what this disease does. We have to see ourselves as worthy, no matter what is going on around us. Don't put that much pressure on yourself. It's a downward spiral. Guilt, anxiety, binging, throwing up, Guilt..... etc... Tell yourself that you're going to break the cycle and do it. Sure, you might lapse. My lapsing tends to take the form of not eating for a day, but I have to stay healthy now because I have a 4 month old baby of my own to look after. I have to look after myself first, so I can look after the people I love. My husband tries to be supportive, reinforces a good body image, but it's not his battle. It's mine. You sound like a strong, determined person. If you don't want to live like this, I bet you could change your behaviour. Good luck and TAKE CARE of yourself.

cricket! u must stay strong!!! u can do it!!! im 14 and started when i was 12, and i havent binged or purged in 2 days(yay) and ate ALL my meals:) if i can do it, u can! at least for a week.! remember ur beautiful! and who gives a crap if ur not a size "2" or whatever. we're not sizes, we are human beings. we are all built differently, and personally i think bigger is more beautfiul. Im just not quite there yet...nehoo, i hope i helped! make goals for ur self, and if u stick with them, theyll be concered!!! and u can do nething u put ur heart in!

Cricket!!!
You sound so much like me. Mostly in the fact that you say you bearly eat and it sounds like when you do you purge. Right? If so I'm really glad to hear I'm not the only one who does that... it seems people are either anorexic or bulimic not both.
Anyways, what you said about your friends telling you you're beautiful but you just can't accept it? I understand so much.. my boyfriend tells me that so much and I know it hurts him so much to know I'm not convinced.
Anyways, just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one. And I"m thinking of you. Good luck in everything you do.
God Bless.
~Mel :wave:

I understand how you feel because I'm both bulimic and anorexic. I'll have my period of not eating anything for a few days and then bam...binge and purge for a few days. It's terrible. Hang in there and keep coming to the boards for support. :nono:

Thanks you guys, soo much...I knew that I couldn't be the ONLY one! It's just hard to not have anyone to relate to, these boards are the answers to my prayers!!!
Today I had (and kept :) ) half a can of chicken noodle soup, some apple sauce, and a banana....its not much but it's a start....
Littleone you are right, I definately am both....If i'm not starving myself I'll be purging. It's like, if i start eating something "bad", even if a little bit, I'll be like "OH WELL" and then go all out and eat a ton of stuff because I know i"m going to purge afterwards.
Sometimes I'll be good though, I've gone months before without any problems, and think I was over it, but I always end up relapsing big time and the cycle begins again! I feel like I'm so close sometimes to being better! But it's like once i hit anything over 125, I feel like I a failure and need to redeem myself... I just dont know.
Cazzie, I totally know what you are saying about telling myself that I'm worthy of being healthy. I do feel like I am worthy, but it's like, there are tons of girls who are way skinnier than I am, and they seem healthy and happy to me. People will tell me I'm distorted though sometimes and be like, "no you are definately skinnier than her..." even though I dont see it.

Thanks you guys, I'm glad to hear that you all care and can relate! I've always found someone who cares, or who can relate, but never both because those who relate are too caught up in their problems! This is going to be really good for me i can tell.

health is the first step! i havent binged and purged in 3 days and ate a LOT! all the needed calories and food groups, this morning i had peanut butter toast and orange juice.! like, i think i am really bound to recover and my hopes are with u that u will do the same!:)