Hi, some of you might have seen my previous posts "Just wondering". I am trying to get a handle on helping a friend with an ED. I was wondering two things... 1) What do you do to cope with having an eating disorder, especially when in treatment. 2) What kind of things are not good to say to people with an ED, and what kind of things are good to say. Any comments would be apprechiated.

I hate it when people point out my weight because I'm a fuller figure gal. My sister is good at always telling me when I look bigger..she'll say "you look bigger today then you did yesterday" or she'll say "why are your pants hanging off of you" meaning I'm looking smaller. Either way it's terrible. The first comment makes me think that I'm as big as a house and need to not eat for a few days and just take laxatives. The second comment makes me feel like I'm too small and need to gain some weight. Maybe I'm just weird though. Another thing, I hate when people comment on how much or how little I'm eating...it just upsets me because I don't like being watched or being the center of attention. :nono:

TRY NOT TO EAT JUNK FOOD IN FRONT OF HER! It may trigger a binge....I know when I see everyone else eating junk and being happy I end up eating too....the only difference is that I am not happy afterwards...
Ask her what would make her feel guilty about eating and what wouldn't, then respond accodingly. Eat what she's comfortable eating with her..
When I eat with my boyfriend, he can tell when I go from deciding to eat comfortable to deciding to binge...I'll eat things I normally wouldnt. So he will stop me, gently, and it lets me know that he cares, so it helps.

Just know that....
*might trigger*


for all people in general, food is just temporary satisfaction... but for bulimics, once the eating is over the guilt sinks in...do your best so that she doesnt feel guilty, Hope I helped some! Whoever agrees/dissagrees feel free to post, everyone is different and recovers differently.

I really apprechiate all the advice and I have 2 more questions. When you have an ED is it normal to be isolative? Do you avoid people or situations and why? Also do you have any fears surrounding having an ED????? :)

Hey washee

Can I first off ask whether your friend has anorexia or bulimia? Because different things trigger each different ED, and from there each person finds different things triggering. From an anorexia point of view and what I don't like people saying to me, people commenting on what I eat really puts me off, especially when I'm trying to have a normal-sized portion of food and someone says something like 'hey that's a lot of food' or...well really any comments about food in front of me. I don't like eating in public - there are only 3 people in the world who I can comfortably eat in front of. People commenting on my weight is either 1)triggering if they say I'm looking thin or 2) makes me really depressed if they say I'm 'looking better' or 'healthier'. Aviod these sorts of comments if you can. Remember that there is always a root problem to an ED, the outcome is food but there is always something underneath whether it's bullying, abuse, a divorce or whatever. Try to find out WHY she is doing this to herself, because understanding is the first step to recovery :)

With your other 2 questions...When I was really deep into my anorexia, I didn't want to talk to anyone. A lot of the time when I was at school I would sit alone in a classroom all lunchtime, because I just wanted to avoid other people. Kids at that age can be so mean and I found it such an effort to socialise. I still do - social situations that involve food, or even going for a drink after work to a place where they serve food, even if we're not eating, I still hate it. It's important to involve your friend in things that you're doing like going out or whatever but she might find these situations uncomfortable. Again, I can go out with my boyfriend for a meal or a drink and that's fine, but if there are people who I'm not close to or don't really know then I just have a really **** time. I feel out of my depth, I don't feel interesting, I feel like why would these people want to be around me, I don't have anything interesting to say, I don't want to be here...I wind myself up about it and make it even worse, which ain't great! Fears...main ones are eating in public, being fat (obviously), being rejected, not being good enough. Self confidence plays a big part with EDs and anything can shoot your self esteem to pieces.

Phew. Hope that helps a bit! Ask more questions if you want coz we all love to talk (or type as it were) on this board!

Another idea is...depending on whether your friend recognises that she has a problem, you can always direct her to these boards.

Hey,
I haven't been doing too well with "coping" lately, so I honestly can't give you any advice on that! However, things not to say- what have you eaten today, hey, you've gained/lost weight, and basically anything that has to do with what/how much I'm eating. Having an ED also made me isolate myself from my family when I was younger. I still have problems with eating in public. When I have to eat around people I'm not close with, I practically get panic attacks :eek:, I'm afraid that I look disgusting, or that there's food on my mouth/in my teeth . I don't know, I think that my phobia came from being told I ate too much or I was getting fat (while I was eating) when I was very young- I just assumed that I must look like a disgusting pig when I was eating, since my family kept making hurtful comments. Anyway, hope this helps.

~Nova

Yes thank-you this is helping . And my friend has anorexia not bulimia.

Hi washee-
I came on these boards about a month ago to find out how to confront my friend because my friends, her sister, and I *knew* or *thought* she had anorexia. Everybody on here is really helpful (thanks guys!) and it's great to kind of see her side of it. My one friend talked to my friend about it and told her we were all worried, but she brushed the whole thing off (she didn't get mad) like it was nothing. Our attempts weren't really successful, and we aren't really sure what to do now. I haven't seen her much lately, but my two other friends have been saying she looks better. I don't know about that. She isn't coming to a dinner we are having tonight because she will be tired from an intense fitness conference all day today (she teaches aerobics), which totally sounds bad. ANYWAY, have you talked to your friend, or does she know you are worried? Perhaps we could encourage each other, now that I know someone else is in the same position as me! Take care!

I really apprechiate all the advice and I have 2 more questions. When you have an ED is it normal to be isolative? Do you avoid people or situations and why? Also do you have any fears surrounding having an ED????? :)

I know for me, I isolate myself. In fact, if it wasn't for therapy, grocery shopping, and my sister I'd probably never leave my apartment. I avoid going out to eat unless it's with the family because they know about my ed. I totally avoid buffets...I never eat at buffets....that's just asking for a binge. My biggest fear is that I'll never recover. I also have a fear that I'm going to binge one day and my stomach will explode. :nono:

Washee-

As you have read, for people w/anorexia, it's important not to focus on food (probably w/bulemia too). You need to remember that it's not the eating that's the problem...your friend has something else going on, and the symptom of it is showing up in the eating/weight.

Is your friend getting help for this? If so, just let him/her know that you are there if he/she needs to talk. Part of getting better will be getting to the root of the problem causing all of this, which can be hard...and of course, if he/she has lost alot of weight-that needs to be fixed too. It can be very stressful and very scary. Isolation is very normal for many reasons...depression is on of them.

We're here if you need help....you are a TERRIFFIC friend!!!

Jenn