my mom is dying from lung cancer gone to her brain. for the secound time. im not sure how much longer she has. she has ok days and bad days, now confined to a wheelchair. sometimes mentally ok, sometimes doesnt know what day of the week it is. back in november , one week before i gave her her first grandbaby, she was told she had till the end of the year. she did respond to the radiation , so that is what has bought a couple more months, that and her stubborness, she will fight till the last secound. she doesnt remember exactly what the doctors said and sometimes she'll ask me 'am i dying?' all i can say is no mom your just sick from the radiation. i cant tell her yes.
my biggest problem is that she never has quit smoking, actually she smokes more than ever now, and it causes me to have alot of anger and resentment towards her. it may not have made a difference after she was diagnosed, however i have found info that suggest she may have got a few more years if she had quit. and im buy all means am saying quiting is easy, however if it ment more time with me , my dad, and her new grandbaby, i think it would be worth it. everytime i see her leave us to go to the other room to smoke. i feel as if she is betraying us. saying these cigs are worth dying for and you guys arent worth living for. i know she doesnt really feel that way but it hurts. one time i ask her if life would be worth living if she couldnt smoke and she said ' i dont know' that really hurt.
i know here soon im going to regret being so angry and having so much resentment but everytime she smokes it feels like a slap in the face.
im scared, im confused, i feel sometimes like i am so evil. how can i get so angry with a sick dying woman.
anybody out there have any suggestions or stories of feeling angry when you should feel compassion.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through that with your mom. My father has severe COPD and he continues to still smoke. Seeing him continually smoke one after another breaks my heart, b/c i know what it is doing to his lungs, but he says that he cant quit, he has tried several times. So all I can do is continue to love him no matter what and be there for him. Believe me i know its frustrating. I know that one day I will not have my father around anymore and i have asked him if its worth it and he says "its just something i cant quit". You and your family will be in my prayers...

thank you, we can use all the prayers we can get
you and your father will be in my prayers as well

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I will be praying for you all.

My father was a heavy smoker for over 50 years. About 4 years ago he had a heart attack and then in by-pass surgery he had a stroke. He's still living and 81 years old, but his left arm is paralyzed, so he can't drive and so he can't get cigarettes for himself--he doesn't smoke anymore. He used to be the best storyteller--telling my kids all the family stories from the past. Now he can't even speak very well. I really blame the cigarrettes a lot for what happened to him. He is only a shadow of what he used to be and now my mom is more of a caregiver than anything else and she hates it. Dad tried to stop smoking several times, but he always started again. Nicotine is so addictive. It is so hard for smokers to quit for good.

My father-in-law had 1 lung removed because of lung cancer. It has been over 5 years since then. Both he and my mother-in-law did quit smoking afterwards. But please try not to be angry with your mom. Just love her during the short time you have--probably quitting after she was diagnosed with cancer would not have made much difference in the length of her life.

thank you for your thoughts, you are probrably right it wouldnt have made a difference. i will try to make every moment with her special. i have read your story about your son. i am so sorry. im not going to pretend i know what to say. i will pray for you, your son, and your whole family.

Dear cem9532:
Thank you for reading about my son and for praying for him. Cancer is such a cruel disease. I can certainly understand you being angry with the cigarette smoking as it has to be the cause of your mother's lung cancer. So you have a cause--something to blame for her suffering and your mom had a choice. Because tobacco has caused so much suffering and loss of life worldwide, I wish it didn't exist. (I wish the same thing about alcohol--so many deaths caused by drunk drivers) With childhood cancer all we hear is that they don't know what causes it, so we are just left wondering--Why is this happening to my child? What did I do wrong? Was it some pesticide, food, the air, the water, something in our house? There are no answers. Wish we had known sooner--in time to stop it before it spread. In my son's case, I've even thought, with tears streaming down my face, since the tumor was in his foot, that I wish my baby had been born without that foot so we didn't have to lose him now. None of that can change what is happening. There is nothing and no one for me to blame.

I find it very hard to talk to my son right now about his cancer. I would give him the world if I could. I would give my life in exchange for his. I would give anything if he could only be well again. On another list I visit the sister of a deceased cancer (sarcoma) patient wrote this about the time of his death and I thought it would help us both and maybe others:

After listening to him(her brother) breath hard, struggle, cough,
wheeze, etc. I finally asked him if he was OK. We began talking about his
disease what he hated, what he appreciated and then finally about dying. I
layed in that bed all night long just thinking about what he had said to
me...he told me that he was not afraid to die that things happen for a
reason and there must be a reason that he is leaving so soon. I had my
chance to "talk" to him about dying and not that it made the process at the
time any easier...by far THE hardest thing I have gone through, but looking
back on it after almost two years...I now know that he was prepared and
ready and the most comforting part to me, he was not scared. The day
finally came, about two months later and there really are no words to
describe to you how to handle it, because so many people handle things
differently. I can tell you that I cherished every moment I got to talk to
him about his feelings as well as mine, knowing, that he died knowing, I
loved him very much. I think someone else on the list wrote (I am not sure
if if was to you or not) to take that time to tell them how much you care
and love them. During the grieving aspect of it, I really used the
conversation that we had as a way to heal.

I know what you mean about the cigarretes. I get so mad at my Mom. She is struggling with Breast Cancer. Was diagnosed almost 9 years ago and was cancer free for 7 years...now metastacized through bones and god knows where else. Another round of tests this week to check lungs and liver since she's not doing so well. After a mastectomy, chemo, radiation, now more chemo for over a year now, she's still smoking like crazy. She's watched countless friends die of cancer (smokers), my father just died this past August of Prostate Cancer and she continues to smoke. I feel the same way, like it's a slap to those who love her. Smoking is considered a high risk factor for breast cancer but she just doesn't see that. Have begged her my whole life to stop and she refuses and it just infuriates me. To think all this could have been prevented. I find it a very selfish choice and I too am afraid I'm going to have alot of guilt someday for being so mad at her. :mad:

I think what it is with the individuals who are smoking like crazy is that they see that they have been given their death sentence already and they want to continue doing what they enjoy before it's their time to go. My father was the same way. He figured he already had the cancer so why not continue? It was too late now in his mind. I chose not to argue with him because I figured he's the parent I am the child, he is going through this and I am going to let him deal with it the way he needs to. I am so sorry to hear of your situation and I really hope you find the strength you need in this time. Call on whoever you need for support and thankfully there is a place like this where you can vent and get advice. When it was me there was nothing like this and boy could I have used it! Take Care

i know I'm just a young teenager, and probably doesnt understand much. but i would just like to let you know that I'll be praying for you and your family. i lost my grandma a few months ago..and i cried so much. i'm so sorry. best wishes. :-)

its helps to know that im not the only one and that im not evil for feeling angry towards her. no matter how much anger i have, i will always have more love for her.
thanks

cem9532,

I cannot say I have been in your shoes but after reading HEALTHBOARDS for things much more minor than yours at the moment, I am sorry and I know that God will be with you/her. Life is rough. You keep your head up all things will pass.

to sunnysmile240
thank you for your response. it doesnt matter how old you are, a prayer is a prayer. and ill take kind words from anybody. im sorry about your grandma. ill be praying for you and your family as well.
thanks

to vedder
thank you

you bet. ;)

I know how you feel my mom is also on the second go around with cancer, but hers is cancer of the bowels. She won't quit smoking either. She's been fighting this for over an year and a half. She's in the hospital now and they are talking about yet another surgery but they can't do it because she only weighs 77lbs and we can't get her to gain any. Almost everything she eats comes back up. She was getting much better up until december 1st when she had a radiation treatment/surgery and its been all down hill from there. lots of complications. She was in the hospital almost all of december even for her b-day christmas and new years. But just like your mom she's gonna fight till the end. The problem i'm having is that being in the hospital so much lately, we are all pretty sure she's addicted to the morphine. She watches the clock and asks for her next dose the second she is allowed to have it and if the put her on anything else it doesn't work. So I really know how you feel and i wish you, your mom and your family the best.

jenniferjune
i just spent over 20 min. writing a message to you and my computer kicked me off the internet. its late now so ill make it short.(boy thats annoying!) i hope with all my heart that your mom gets better. that radiation sure is hard on them. when my mom originally got radiation to her chest, it took a good 2-2 1/2 months for to get to not be so exhausted from it. it had done a good job and shrank the tumors but boy was it rough. she too was addicted to morphine. it apparently doesnt take much time for the body to get addicted to it. i will warn you she had some pretty strong withdrawal from it, shakes, sleeplessness, and very very emotional. you ask her what was wrong and she had no idea. i would make sure that her dr. does everything ossible to make it an easy transition for her.
i wish cigerettes were illegal. that would the best. but that will never happen.
i will be praying for your mom and your whole family during this difficult time.

Thank you for your prayers. I didn't know what the shakes she had last time she was home was from but you have just answered that question. I've noticed that she doesn't have them aymore now that she's in the hospital and back on high doses of morphine again. At leaste i know now that there is someone else out there that knows how I feel and REALLY understand what I/we are going through. I will keep you in my thoughts.

jenniferjune
i just wanted to say that i dont think morphine is a drug that can be dropped cold turkey. wether addicted or not. i think that is to dangerous for causing heart attack, stroke, etc. her dr. should be weining her off slowly. if he isnt i would ask about why?
evening with weining my mom had the awful withdrawal. i would hate to think about cold turkey.
hope she gets better and stronger.

they gave my mom morphine at the end, boy did it help to relax her and take the pain away, but they say it's like herion VERY addicting we only used it the last hours of her life