I am so encouraged to read all of the bulletins on this board! Some of you are describing exactly what I am feeling now...guilt, pain, hurt, loss, grief, anxiety, stress, much sadness. I have never been through anything like this before with someone so close to me. My grandmother had ovarian cancer a few years ago, and she had a surgery and it was removed. Back in the fall she was diagnosed with lung, liver, and bone cancer. They told her that she could do chemo and live longer or just wait and let time take its toll on her and pass at anytime. It was unbeleivable to hear that, but I guess I did not take it too seriously that she would "ever" die. I tried to call her as much as I could, but I could have called her and gone to see her more. THat is my guilt coming on strong! she said over one month ago, that the cancer was contained and dr said it looked good. then a couple of weeks ago, she called and said it was back and i still did not see "death" close by. So, i put everything that "i" had to do above her, so much guilt. even 2 weeks ago, my husband and i fit her into our "busy Sat" schedule, and we barely stayed 1 hour before we ran off to the next place. So much guilt! I told her "I will call you tomorrow" and we will discuss when you can come over to have more time with us and lunch soon. Did I forget to call? YES! So much guilt! Last Sat, Dad told me that she had called him Friday, walked with him to the car from her apartments for elderly people, and he took her to his house so he could take care of her. Sat, she did not walk, eat, or drink, she slept all day long. I came over that night to my parent's house and held her hand while she slept and cried. Eventually we put her in bed and it took one hour to take off her clothes and get her into bed. She still had reflexes though. Sunday Dad called ambulance, she stayed in ER all day, I came up to hospital late Sun afternoon, held her hand and caressed her head the whole time I was there. Monday, she said my name and I told her "i love you" and she said "i love you" back to me. I flooded with tears then. I held her in the hospital bed, touched her, played with her hands, and did not want to leave. She was hallucinating i guess b/c of morphine drip. Monday before I came to hospital, dr came by, said nothing we can do, she had the most aggressive form of cancer around but she never told us that! He said, let's just make her comfortable and it is a matter of days or weeks. PAIN set in for me, so horrible to lose a loved one! So horrible to see them suffer! So horrible not to recognize their face, their body, and their life being taken before your very eyes! The pain is indescribable. Yesterday I got off work, spent all night until 10pm at hospital, then went home. Could not handle it anymore. She is not talking any longer, she is not gripping my hand, the color is all gone in her body, and she looks like a corpse laying on the bed, but the morphine is still dripping and she is still trying to breathe. I want to go see her today, but honestly, I am not strong enough to do so. she is all i can think about. I loved her so much. We had some hard times. Do you think she knows that she told me " i love you"? My sister said that it was a gift from God and very much a "god thing" that she told me that...the last couple of years of my relationship with grandmother had been really minimal b/c she was so negative and hard to be around. can anyone tell me how much longer she will suffer? she started to have fluid build up in her mouth now where she "gurgles" when she breathes. This pain is so unbearable. So like a nightmare! i wish i could just get her to talk to me one more time! but i know that it will not happen.

okay, so you have guilt..... would it have changed if your grandmother had always been so negative if she had said that she only had a couple of months left??? what you are feeling right now is part of the grieving process. Yes, guilt is totally normal, I felt guilty leaving my mom and travelling 9 hours to be with my family. I am having guilt today because, I saw the mother day cards. My dad is feeling guilty that he survived prostate cancer and mom did not.

What I am saying is that your grandmother knew how busy you and your family is...... she does or did not want your life to stop so that you could mourn her. She knows that you love her, that you are well taken care of.

Yes she does know that you are there.... If you want, say how you wished that there had been more time with her..... Onething is to make sure that you tell her that it is okay to go. That yes, you and your family will hurt but that when it is time, that she can let go. I know that sounds really hard to do, but it will help you find the peace.

Leisa

Take your grandmothers hand and tell her how much you love her, let her know that it is okay for her to go now. Just be with her and offer her words of comfort and love. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's a natural feeling. I will pray for you all, God bless, Ann.

Well, she passed away last Wed, May 7, 2003. How I miss her! She did not suffer as long as she could have suffered, but it was and still is VERY hard to let that sweet part of my life go. I am looking at her picture here on my desk, wishing to see her walk across my path or call me once more....i know that this will never happen, it is just so hard to beleive that she is gone forever! Grief is setting in as of the day she died. I have cried many tears for this incredible woman. I have tried to remember the "sweet" memories. They are not coming fast enough though so I get frustrated. I am so glad to be able to express my grief and seek encouragement from people who are reading this note. How can you ever stop wishing to see, hold, and hear from them again? it is soo hard!
thank you for listening!

Dear msuria, I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I hope you are okay. I will be thinking of you and praying for you, take care and God bless, Ann.

Dear Msuria, I know the feelings you are going through. My Mom died suddenly almost 2 years ago. Since then there have been countless times when I have wanted to pick up the phone and tell her something. Then I remember she is gone on to a much better place. The first holidays without here were the hardest, hte first one being her what would have been her 62nd birthday. This past Mother's Day was hard too, for I have to remember that I made her a Mother. And then my birthday is always hard because I have to remember the one that gave life to me is gone. I hope you can find comfort in the good memories that you have and please know that she loved you very much. I learned a lesson from my Mother's sudden death, every day always tell your loved ones that you do love them and appreciate them being in your life. My husband has terminal lung cancer and we don't know how much time he has left with us. I have a 12 year old son that tells us both that he loves us everyday. Hope this helps. My prayers are with you and your family.

Thank you, Dallas, for your sweet reply. I am very sorry to hear about your mother's recent death. I am also very sorry to learn about your husband's terminal illness. May God be with you in this painful time. I hope that His love may surround you and prepare you for whatever is to come. He tells us that He is near to the brokenhearted. May He be very near to you every moment!
I am leaning on that promise, and I am clinging to His comfort for me. The days are becoming easier.
However, I do not know if that is a good thing or not though b/c should I still be mourning her recent death? I know I love her a whole lot so should I still not be in hurt and pain? I have never lost a loved one before, so I am not sure about what I should be feeling and am not.
ms

Dear Msuria, Sure you should still be mourning her death. My mom died 6/4/2001 and I still am mourning. I mean it is easier now than it was in the beginning but there is not a single day that don't go by that I don't think of her and like I said just the other day, I reached for the phone to call her and then realized it was impossible so i just talked to her in my head instead. Although you may find this hard to believe I felt better after doing so. So take you time with your grief. It never goes away but it does get easier. Also, thanks for the kind words. I feel like this is a place I can come to and express my feelings and ask questions.

Hello, My husband died May 6th, so I understand, exactly how you are feeling. You put 'MY' feelings into words quite well!
It is work sorting out all of these feelings right now. I am just completely worn out! from _just feeling!
I do my best when I am thinking of how I know he is 'better off than we are right now.' (So, then I am really crying for me!)
But, it makes sense...that when we love someone so deeply we seem to mesh together..and then the seperation of death just has to hurt!
There is NO right or wrong about grieving..we all do it differently. Just let yourself feel. Just remember , they don't want us to 'stay' sad or feel guilty. (Now remind me when I forget all of that, next week or whenever I need it, Ok?) Hugs, Donna