Hello.

I found this board last Friday while searching for Iressa updates. Its the first bit of relief I've felt in a while. Its strange but the comfort of strangers can do just the trick sometimes. =)

Well I guess after reading many of the posts and eight months of "silence" I'd just like to vent a little.

My dad was diagnosed with non-small cell squamous Stage IIIb lung cancer. He was a heavy smoker and drinker for over 40 years. (He'll turn 63 next month) I grew up loving my dad, but always wishing he would quit smoking and quit drinking. When my parents sat me down and told me the news, I wasn't surprised but I was in disbelief that so much crap could knock me upside the head and hit me harder than the last time. Don't get me wrong. I'm not under the impression that my life couldn't be worse or that there aren't some really things in my life. But Ive come to a point in my life where Ive finally learned that an unexpected worse is waiting out there.

Well back to my dad...doctors wouldn't say much as far as what to expect. Our 1st and 2nd opinions disagreed on what dosage to do the chemo and sequencing of the radiation. We chose to do full doses of chemo and radiation concurrently while also adding a vegetable juice to each meal, tons of vitamens, other herbal meds and a moderate dosage of prayers. He wasn't able to finish round of radiation because of a "mysterious" pneumonia. They didn't know what it was for almost 6 weeks. They just kept trying different drugs until finally he started to get better. We thought his days were numbered. All of the sudden he was able to breathe a bit easier, eat normally again (with the help of steroids), walk around eventually with no assistance and his hair drew back. My mother and I thought it was the Christian healer that had come to our house to prayer for my father. I swear my perspective and the pure joy of thinking that God had shown such mercy upon my dad and my family was made my body tremble. Doctor told us the cancer was gone. My prayers had come true and God was giving my dad a second chance.

Two weeks later, our doctor shattered us. It was a mistake. She misread the results of the pulmonary doctor. The cancer was still there. More of the lymph nodes were showing cancer. Not only had it not dissappeared but it was spreading. Correction...it is spreading quickly.

He's back at chemo. Doctor says not to cure...rather just to slow it down. Hopefully to add a few months to the few months she expects him to live. This time the chemo is a bit more daunting, possibly because the doctor has taken much hope that we had left.

At the present, I look back at the last few months. Its been more than difficult to watch my dad start to become such a small, helpless man. There have been so many worst parts...Watching him heave up 4 stairs...cleaning the pieces of his hair off the pillow...wondering if the pause in his endless coughs means that he has finally fallen asleep or something worse...being so scared but not being able to share it with family because the pain is just to overwhelming to let out...not being able to share it with friends because they got their own problems...imagining the fear of facing death.
Looking forward...I wonder will my dad make it past the first year (September)?...will my dad see his first grandchild in November (my sister is pregnant)...if my dad makes it past september, how will figure out a way to fund his treatment when our insurance expires? (mom lost her job a few months before we discovered the cancer)...will my dad go the hard way or the quiet way?...will a better life await him?

I know my story is in no way unique. People suffer. People die. Please tell me the good that I have to look forward to! I'm 23 years old. I'm very angry. Angry that I can't deal with all this. Angry that life has just become so cruel. Angry that I'm forced to live mine. (Dont worry I'm not suicidal.) Just overly frustrated.

Thanks for listening.

I sincerely pray that we will somehow be miraculousy relieved of our current sufferings.

Take care.

I am sorry for all of the pain you and your family are facing. Unfortanately I cant give you any relief. I lost my father April 17th and today would have been his 73rd birthday. I know how you feel about the short lived miracle you felt, then the slap in the face. My father was in remission, (thats what the Doctors wanted to call it) instead of saying oops we made a mistake, anyway it was short lived 2 weeks the cancer had spread and with in 7 weeks my father had died. I can only say, stay with him as much as you can, talk to him about anything you want to say. Tell him everything you need to say. He will pull away from things (earthly things). Ask Hospice to come in. If he is terminal and it sounds like he is. They will come in , a nurse can come by once a week and check him out and then when the times get rought they can come and they will take care of everything, I mean you can do for your father. I did I bathed him, Fed him and helped the nurses. But what I mean is HOSPICE is heaven. They cover all the expenses, all his medicine , pain meds , anxiety meds. They also have a doctor who can come in and assess his condition and change meds to comfort him more. They will provide canes, walkers, wheelchairs, bath chairs, oxygen, hospital beds. all for no charge. please check them out it will relieve the financial burden from your family. My prayers are with you and Hospice can help you and your family deal with any fears that you may have . Read my post about my Daddy's passing I hope I can help you through this time and I will check your posts and maybe help you through this. I know what you are facing as do all of us. Love and Prayers to you and your family. And May God hold your Father in the palm of his hand Eva

Hi I lost my dad march 8th he was 61. I wish I could make you feel better I desperately wanted the same while going through it too I am on only one and I really wanted another sibling to share the pain with but it was not mean't to be like a lot of other things.

My dad got 6 weeks from diagnosis and when I look back I don't know how I got through it all I even stayed with him all night on my own I got strenghth from some where and I believe you will too. I was so like you very angry why him he's only 61 then something my dad said changed that, he said be happy for me I've lived 61 good years think of the children that don't get that much feel for them not me I've accepted what I've got you do to for me.. well what else could we do we did it for him from then on we deceided to make what he had left happy and we did it was killing on inside but we never let him see it that's what got us through we deceided to accept it what else could we do

The ending my dad got was quiet and beautiful with all of us around him it was very sad but by that time we wanted him to meet god he was exhausted and ready to go so we let him go..We did our crying after he went and we did a lot of that.

Things are hard just now but I am so glad gave me him to be my dad because I was so very proud of him so proud to call him dad...
I hope things get better for you and I will pray for you and your family god bless...mags...

Thanks Eva. Thank you Mags.

When I talk to my best friends and boyfriend about what I am feeling and going through I dont feel like they can understand. I know they try, but their "problems" are so much different than mine that I can't help but resent the fact that they dont understand.

Although it hurts to understand, I'm a bit relieved to know that you guys no exactly what I'm going through.

Eva, I just finished your last few posts. You're braver than I can imagine I could be. I hope I can find your strength...maybe borrow some of yours?

Thank you!!

It is so so hard, I know my dad passed away 5/3. His was not an easy passing for any of us. He was only diagnosed 2/19 - he didn't make it 3 months after diagnosis. My dad hadn't smoke in 14 years! I was angry too at first. But my dad helped me through my anger - He said not to waste any of my time being angry - after all my days aren't promised to me either. My dad's lung cancer had spread to his liver, spleen, adrenal glands lymph nodes and bones. He was in tremendous pain nearly all the time. by the time we found a pain med that would relieve the pain in a day or two he would become resistant to it. His pain meds were 4 and 5 HUNDRED dollars with each script. Lasting less than a month. If your dad qualifies, definitely get him enrolled in a hospice program in your area. Like the other posts said - they are a godsend! All the expenses are paid, including the 4 and 5 hundred scripts. Me and my dad are both hard headed and rejected hospice for a while in the beginning. Our logic was you had to be terminal in order to qualify for their program and in the beginning Dad and I were both sure that a miracle would occur. It didn't. So we agreed. My only regret is that we didn't do it earlier. He had "home health nurses" before hospice and IN MY OPINION the hospice nurses are much more attentive to the terminal patients than the home health nurses.

I am truly sorry for anyone else going through this terrible nightmare - I too found it a bit comforting to come here to the board where strangers were having similiar situations.

Try as hard as you can to be honest with yourself and your dad. One thing I am so thankful for is telling him aloud how proud I was to be his daughter. It really kind of sounded silly at the time but he laughed and said thanks he was glad I was his daughter too - especially now he said. I sat with him at home and cared for him in every way. Dad was only 60 and my mom is also dying with lung cancer. She was diagnosed 17 months ago and is down to 92lbs.

My chest hurts sometimes really hurts like an anxiety attack or something when I think about both of my parents dying at the same time.

I am trying to look at this as a happy thing now that dad is gone - because my mom is within a week or 2 of dying and I know how happy mom and dad both will be to be reunited again. And they both will be out of pain then.

You are in my prayers, hon.

Hope B.

One last important thing I forgot to mention - when we finally enrolled dad in hospice the hospice nurse told me to forget about the fact that the hospice criteria is "6 months or less life expectancy" that her hospice office had more than a couple of patients that had been on the program for over a year. The time line is strictly a formality in order for medicare to reimburse the hospice program. That made me feel a lot better-silly isn't it. Also you make stop the hospice program anytime you feel it necessary, although I bet you will not want to unless you dad should be cured. Prayers and hugs for you ~ Hope B.

Hospice is free? Medicare covers it 100%? I must be mistaken?

I'm not sure how old you have to be to qualify for medicare but I thought it was 63. My aunt was on medicare and hospice. Hospice was the best thing we did for her. If I am wrong about medicare maybe your family could all pitch in to pay the premium to continue your parents medical coverage so hospice will be covered. After my aunt passed away, I rec'd a bill for a hospital stay for 3 1/2 weeks and it read $80,000 paid in full by medicare. So it might be worth it if your family could possibly swing it. Good luck to you and your dad. My prayers will be with you. Enjoy your dad all you can during this precious time. This message board is a great encouragement and place to vent! God Bless you! Krissy

You asked in your orginal post what good you can possibly have to look forward to...
My dad died of cancer two years ago and none of my friends had lost a parent. They didn't know what to say to me, and couldn't possible understand what I was going through.
After about 6 months (and a Hospice Grief Group - which was invaluable) I found the Healthboards here.
What I've found is that unlike my friends, here I AM someone who knows EXACTLY what you are going through. Because of my Dad I can maybe, just maybe, help someone else out who is overwhelmed with the loss of their dad.

You may find, too, that the good you are looking will come out of being able to help someone else down the road who is going through what you are going through right now...

It may sound like small comfort - but to the person you are helping it can mean the difference between feeling alone and feeling understood.
And you can feel good about making a difference.


[This message has been edited by HoosierBj (edited 05-16-2003).]

hi,, I only want to add that my husband was only 55 and on Hospice. And, their care was far beyond my expectation!
I sent my heart full of best wishs for you and yours, and for everyone here. hugs Donna

My husband was only 53. Our insurance paid hospice. It was not free. We had to use the hospice the ins.co. told us to. Except for one idiot Dr. (tried to tell me I made his pain worse) they are wonderful.Cheryl

Thanks for your input everyone. I appreciate it much more than words can express.

Right we are just waiting to see if my dad is eligible for Irressa.

As for his insurance...My parents were covered under my mom's company. Unfortunately my mom was laid off last year and her COBRA will expire in September. Although my mom will probably be able to get coverage on her own, my dad in his current state probably won't get anything that'll cover his cancer care. We're looking in Medicare, but it really is confusing trying to understand their system. Hopefully things will work out. They always do, don't they? (Even when its not the way you want it to)

I look forward to reading some good news on the boards soon.