Hello again,

I just wanted to let everyone know that Walt's doing better. He's recovered a good deal of his speaking capability, but will need extensive therapy to get his right side working again and that may require strength that he does not possess at this time.

His cancer has spread to the right lung and is now taken residence in both lungs. The doctors do not predict his survival to last us past six months.

What I would like to ask now is what I can do and what I should expect during this time. The doctors are being extremely evasive as to the care he may need given the stroke and the cancer. The only thing they did say was his death would be "extremely painful, yet a blessing" Why does that sound like an oxymoron to me.

Any have suggestions?

Dana

Dana

When it comes time for Walter to go, You will find that he is no longer the person you married, and have lived with for so many years. You should always keep the hope, but you will find that the hope will change. From the spreading of the cancer to the other lung, it could go into the brain, the lymph nodes, the bones. I do not mean to scare you, you and Walter have been chosen by some sort of quirk of fate, or faith to go on this journey. I am glad that you had told Walter that he could let go if that is what he wanted.

A great book for you to read is titled "The Final Gift" I recommend to just about everyone here. Has the hospice been in to see you? Are the doctors saying that Walter is going to stay in the hospital, or are they going to move him to a 24 hr hospice or rehabilation center? I know that there is so much for you to deal with it, and I am truly glad that Walter found this site and you have decided to keep us all up to date.

Leisa

I am so sorry - the only advice I have for you is TRY to enjoy any moment that you can because the time will be here so fast. My dad's cancer was very agressive and spread very quickly. The doctors advised him to consider getting a "morphine pump" but my dad resisted. He was in a lot of pain all of the time nearly to tears, but when he finally began to take the pain meds like he was told (he hated to feel drugged) the pain was at least bearable. But dad always felt that he needed to be aware of everything in case mom needed him.

As hard as you think it will be - in the end you will wish it was that easy.

I wished I had better words for you, but I am afraid at this point the best advice I can offer is to just realize that the doctor is probably correct in an approximate time but any inkling that Walter is having a better day - just enjoy it. Hold him and talk to him even if he is too tired to respond just enjoy it all - as much as you can - I am praying for your family and for Walter especially.------Hope B.

Hi Dana. I hope that Walter's passing is like Dannys was. It will be different because Danny was up and walking the day he died, but hopefully he will still be himself. Donna's hubby had a vary hard time, lost a lot of weight, lashed out to her. I'm sure when she sees this post she can tell you.
I can tell you, don't force him to eat or make him feel guilty for not wanting food. If he doesn't want to talk, fine, leave it. Getting "distant" is a sign. Just be there in case he needs you and don't you get angry with him. I did that a couple times and now it's too late to take back. As Leisa said the book Final Gifts is wonderful. I couldn't read it in front of Danny because it made me cry so much. I never got to finish it... Order a dress for the funeral. Start asking Walter if he dreams about passed relatives. Danny thought he saw our dog and felt the cat jump on the bed, both gone. Is Walter going to be home or in a hospice house? Start deciding where to put things to get room for hospital equiptment if he comes home. I know as soon as I finish writing this I will think of a few more things. Any way, good luck and prayers to you both.
Cheryl

To All,

Some of you have raised question that I should have addressed in the original post. Walter is going to be cared for at home. I have thus far declined hospice care. The experience we went through with my grandfather's hospice was less than pleasant althought that was a good eight years ago. Walt has expressed his desire to be near our children and to have as much normalcy in their lives as possible for as long as possible.

Walt is still convinced that things are going to turn out for the best. He is determined to beat the cancer and recover from the stroke, his motto, "If the VC didn't get me, cancer won't either." I wish I had his faith. So far he has said that he does not feel any severe pain related to his cancer, the majority of pain is in his legs and is stroke related from what we can tell. He take shots of Demerol and some booster pills throughout the day and functions fairly well on them. The man is functioning better like that then I do with a migraine headaches, which I have been getting with increasing frequency.

As to the hospital equipment, the doctors told us we will need to get a hospital bed with a soft mattress, a bedside toilet, IV stand and as times goes on O2 tanks and such.

I took Cheryl advice and asked him what he dreamt about last night. He told me he had two dreams. One was a nightmare about Nam, he's had those for years, and the other was about me and the kids. We were all on vacation in Virginia, a trip we planned to take this August and still hope to if his health permits. He seems determined to want to do that.

He still seems ticked at me for that if you want to let go it's okay thing and Mom still says she does not see me as a widow in the near future, but mom's intution cannot argue with medical data. My mother is extremely religious woman as is my husband and they both thought he should take a trip to Lourdes, France and send a petition to the Blessed Virgin there. I say why tax his strength taking either trip, fight as hard as he can as long as he can, then relax and let go.

The doctor predicts that Walt will be release from the hospital sometime around the 15th. He says he'll be released before that as it is Father's Day. He is so stubborn sometimes for his own good.

I will keep you all posted on his situation. He says he can't wait to get back on here and show everyone how well he's doing. If only I thought he wasn't kidding himself.

Question - Did any of your husbands/fathers/brothers/ pull the "I'm fine" routine with you while the suffered in silence? Is Walter's positive outlook more of a detriment than a help? Should I try and make him see the reality or let him go on with the ideas of health he currently posesses? Any suggestionson these feel free. I'm open to all.

Dana

Hi Dana,

Tell Walter he is in my prayers. Also, if you can find time to get to a book store, buy Final Gifts. The book answers the questions you are asking.

My father came to my office on Thursday and I walked around him and gently rubbed his back and asked him how he felt. He said, "I feel fine." Every time someone asks him how he feels...I feel good, I feel fine even though he is having severe chest pains.

Let us know when Walter gets home.

Nancy

Dana,

When my dad came home from the hospital, we had a hospital bed waiting for him. My brother, my nephew and I took my folks queen bed out of the room, got my mom a twin bed and we sat them up side by side. Put their own bedspread over both of the beds. This meant the world to both of them. They thought they wouldn't be sleeping next to each other, so they were both very happy.

During the day the beds are apart as dad doesn't leave the bed now and he needs turned every couple of hours (bed sores). So things are changing, we don't know what to expect. This board has helped me tremendously.

Also if my dad is "short" with anybody, it is my mom. But I think that is because he is more comfortable with her and knows she understands. It hurts her sometimes as dad was never like that before. But there is such great love there between them, and dad does remember to inquire about her health once in awhile.

Our experience with hospice has been great. The meds are paid for, all the equipment, they even have a volunteer massage person. One of the best things is that mom has someone to talk to. We are all there for her and talk to her, but sometimes she needs someone besides her kids to bounce her thoughts off of.

Take care

Hello Dana!

okay as for hospice care, you can have it at home. A nurse can be there during the day or the night and then 24 care as it arises.

Mom had a hate on for me at the end, and basically stopped talking to me and recongnizing me about the last 2 - 3 months before she died. But to me, it was okay, she needed someone to be mad at and I think she knew it just rolled off of my back and I was able to get in and out of the situation by driving nine hours back to my husband. There were many times were I had to pull over and cry.

Mom only took the oxygen for about a week, but that was her wish. If Walter is holding on for that trip, go for it. Plan it out, do out a map. Even if you are going by road, book the hotels and cancel if you can't go. Mom wanted to move out of the house, but dad did not want to. so when I was down we looked at the ads for houses. I made sure that there was something wrong with each one, but it eased mom's mind that someone was listening to her.

Now for your miagraines, I betcha, you have not been looking after yourself. Try acupucture...... it wourked miricles for me. An hour treatment would cut it down to just the last strings of nausea. Or go in for a massage, again only an hour long. It would do Walter great to see you do something like that. Lets him see that you are taking care of yourself.

Mom did not start with the morphine till about the last 4 months. Then it was only one shot daily. The last two weeks it was every four hours. The last few days it went to every two hours.

Can't wait to see Walter at home!

Take Care
Leisa