Martha H
03-13-2005, 08:00 PM
Well, dear friends, I did finally get e-mail from my sister.
Mom is doing fine. So much better than she thought. Not deteriorated as she had heard from both me and Bill.
She goes swimming with her and Mom finds her way alone back to the showers and dressing rooms.
E is so slow that Mom has to wait for her all the time, which is a great 'and very empowering'.
I am glad Mom is happy there and having a great time.
BUT, in between the lines of this glowing report, I feel horribly criticised and misunderstood. I think E is saying, not in so may words, 'you are exaggerating Mom's condition, nothing is really wrong with her, with me she doesn't feel rushed, she is much happier, I don't see any signs of mental trouble, what's wrong with you?" :rolleyes:
it is nothing but what I expected - but it makes me feel angry and guilty at the same time. maybe I AM doing something wrong? Is Mom's confusion because I "rush' her all the time? In what way? Is she so less 'deteriorated' than E expected because I have horribly exaggerated her condition? So why did the doctor say 'progressing rapidly, MRI needed?'
Is he making it up too? :confused:
I am upset by good news. Mom is happy there, E finds her fun to be with, etc. No toileting accidents? No smells? No inappropriate comments? No wearing odd clothes? No asking you to do her eye drops 10 minutes after you did them? No telling you 'how I met Daddy' stories and getting all the facts wrong?
No seeing her departed sister in law at the Center?
How could that be? Or is Elsie just playing one-upmanship on me again: "You can't handle her, but I can?"
I think I'll send her that "well in that case, since it is obviously me, YOU had best just keep her there in Dayton! You apparently get along better and bring out the best in her - even way more than Bill and Anna do, so we could send all the rest of her belongings to you and let her just stay there?
This may well be the end of these types of letters. What do you think? Never answer in haste, I think ..just sleep on it one night and then answer ...
Love,
Martha
Mom is doing fine. So much better than she thought. Not deteriorated as she had heard from both me and Bill.
She goes swimming with her and Mom finds her way alone back to the showers and dressing rooms.
E is so slow that Mom has to wait for her all the time, which is a great 'and very empowering'.
I am glad Mom is happy there and having a great time.
BUT, in between the lines of this glowing report, I feel horribly criticised and misunderstood. I think E is saying, not in so may words, 'you are exaggerating Mom's condition, nothing is really wrong with her, with me she doesn't feel rushed, she is much happier, I don't see any signs of mental trouble, what's wrong with you?" :rolleyes:
it is nothing but what I expected - but it makes me feel angry and guilty at the same time. maybe I AM doing something wrong? Is Mom's confusion because I "rush' her all the time? In what way? Is she so less 'deteriorated' than E expected because I have horribly exaggerated her condition? So why did the doctor say 'progressing rapidly, MRI needed?'
Is he making it up too? :confused:
I am upset by good news. Mom is happy there, E finds her fun to be with, etc. No toileting accidents? No smells? No inappropriate comments? No wearing odd clothes? No asking you to do her eye drops 10 minutes after you did them? No telling you 'how I met Daddy' stories and getting all the facts wrong?
No seeing her departed sister in law at the Center?
How could that be? Or is Elsie just playing one-upmanship on me again: "You can't handle her, but I can?"
I think I'll send her that "well in that case, since it is obviously me, YOU had best just keep her there in Dayton! You apparently get along better and bring out the best in her - even way more than Bill and Anna do, so we could send all the rest of her belongings to you and let her just stay there?
This may well be the end of these types of letters. What do you think? Never answer in haste, I think ..just sleep on it one night and then answer ...
Love,
Martha
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angel_bear
03-13-2005, 08:49 PM
Oh Martha .........
All your asking for is verification that it's not YOU!!
But yes, they can 'bung it on' (Aussie speak?) for others ... MIL is so much better behaved for BIL .. ALWAYS ...!!!!! Of course, "Good behaviour" can last for a few days ...
Rest assured, Mum IS deteriorated, and is comfortable and trusting enough around you to be 'herself' .. whatever that is this week LOL .... I do believe she's on 'bestest behaviour' for now ... remember, she CANNOT keep up the momentum for an extended time .. her natural self WILL come out ..it's just a matter of when ...
I would have a chat to Bill and air your thoughts with him ... perhaps you can unite together and approach E ? Done in love and friendship of course, but seriously, if Mum IS happier with E .. then why wreck the flow??
My friends Mum 'behaved' for 6 months .. then broke into her 'usual' behaviour ... and got shafted off to another sibling, where she was on bestest behaviour for 3 months, then the usual behaviour came out and she got shifted again ...
Hang in there .. WE know it's not you !!!!
Hugs
Sally
All your asking for is verification that it's not YOU!!
But yes, they can 'bung it on' (Aussie speak?) for others ... MIL is so much better behaved for BIL .. ALWAYS ...!!!!! Of course, "Good behaviour" can last for a few days ...
Rest assured, Mum IS deteriorated, and is comfortable and trusting enough around you to be 'herself' .. whatever that is this week LOL .... I do believe she's on 'bestest behaviour' for now ... remember, she CANNOT keep up the momentum for an extended time .. her natural self WILL come out ..it's just a matter of when ...
I would have a chat to Bill and air your thoughts with him ... perhaps you can unite together and approach E ? Done in love and friendship of course, but seriously, if Mum IS happier with E .. then why wreck the flow??
My friends Mum 'behaved' for 6 months .. then broke into her 'usual' behaviour ... and got shafted off to another sibling, where she was on bestest behaviour for 3 months, then the usual behaviour came out and she got shifted again ...
Hang in there .. WE know it's not you !!!!
Hugs
Sally
BarbaraH
03-13-2005, 08:51 PM
Hi Martha,
Just what you expected - maybe not all the facts either, but only the highlights.
When my mother visited us for the last time in Texas, she had herself under tight control. She had bathroom accidents, used her glaucoma eye drops incorrectly twice, and opened that Christmas gift bag 3 times, like I've mentioned. We shopped and she bought oddly glitzy things: wreath, Christmas cards for the next year, and a sparkling bowl. She did dress at 11pm and say she didn't want to miss anything, but my sons were staying up, so she did, too, for a little while. My family and I thought hummmm, and exchanged some alarmed glances. The trip back to VA with her was not eventful other than she got very angry when she couldn't follow me down the ramp onto the airplane. I had fallen behind a few steps and motioned her ahead - WRONG!
All was normal at her home except it was cluttered and the refrigerator was scary. Nothing prepared me for the fight over the keys at 11pm 3 nights later when she couldn't read the clock or see the night sky with understanding, or her sudden lack of comprehension of the pronoun "you" as we looked at family pictures in the middle of another day. It was as if she was home and could relax - and let all of her confusion tumble out. I was so upset that I wrote it all down - all the crazy things Mom was doing and saying, and I cried a lot. If I knew your address, I'd copy what I wrote and send it to you.
For the previous 7 months, an accountant had come to her home monthly to help her pay bills and that had worked well. I suddenly saw that Mom could not continue to live alone at all because she could not safely cook, store food, drive, or manage at all.
I wonder if you mother's control will slip soon and Elsie will see what she wishes not to see. On the other hand, your mother may lose it after she gets home like my mother did. Be ready and talk to B. about that possibility.
Perhaps you should wait a day or two before sending the email!!
You've done nothing wrong, nothing to make your mother worse, and you know it. Banish those silly and negative thoughts. You know Elsie will talk a good line just to make everything as it should be - or to pretend it is.
Enjoy your days of freedom!! Cheer that your mother is still in Ohio. What Elsie says doesn't matter. Ha!
Hugs - Barbara :)
Just what you expected - maybe not all the facts either, but only the highlights.
When my mother visited us for the last time in Texas, she had herself under tight control. She had bathroom accidents, used her glaucoma eye drops incorrectly twice, and opened that Christmas gift bag 3 times, like I've mentioned. We shopped and she bought oddly glitzy things: wreath, Christmas cards for the next year, and a sparkling bowl. She did dress at 11pm and say she didn't want to miss anything, but my sons were staying up, so she did, too, for a little while. My family and I thought hummmm, and exchanged some alarmed glances. The trip back to VA with her was not eventful other than she got very angry when she couldn't follow me down the ramp onto the airplane. I had fallen behind a few steps and motioned her ahead - WRONG!
All was normal at her home except it was cluttered and the refrigerator was scary. Nothing prepared me for the fight over the keys at 11pm 3 nights later when she couldn't read the clock or see the night sky with understanding, or her sudden lack of comprehension of the pronoun "you" as we looked at family pictures in the middle of another day. It was as if she was home and could relax - and let all of her confusion tumble out. I was so upset that I wrote it all down - all the crazy things Mom was doing and saying, and I cried a lot. If I knew your address, I'd copy what I wrote and send it to you.
For the previous 7 months, an accountant had come to her home monthly to help her pay bills and that had worked well. I suddenly saw that Mom could not continue to live alone at all because she could not safely cook, store food, drive, or manage at all.
I wonder if you mother's control will slip soon and Elsie will see what she wishes not to see. On the other hand, your mother may lose it after she gets home like my mother did. Be ready and talk to B. about that possibility.
Perhaps you should wait a day or two before sending the email!!
You've done nothing wrong, nothing to make your mother worse, and you know it. Banish those silly and negative thoughts. You know Elsie will talk a good line just to make everything as it should be - or to pretend it is.
Enjoy your days of freedom!! Cheer that your mother is still in Ohio. What Elsie says doesn't matter. Ha!
Hugs - Barbara :)
BarbaraH
03-13-2005, 10:18 PM
p.s. -
Hi again! Did you notice the time signatures on what Sally and I wrote? We were writing to you at the same time!!!! Support from around the world!!!!!!!!!
How about that?!! Hugs - Barbara :)
Hi again! Did you notice the time signatures on what Sally and I wrote? We were writing to you at the same time!!!! Support from around the world!!!!!!!!!
How about that?!! Hugs - Barbara :)
Martha H
03-14-2005, 04:19 AM
Thanks girls, for your moral support, that's what I needed! Elsie called Bill and told him the same thing - Mom is fine, no visible problems at all. Mom then got on the phone and spoke to him: all the facts wrong. Garbled stories. And E. stands by and doesn't register it? It's seeing the world through rose colored glasses and B is not surprised.
Meanwhile I do have 2 more weeks of respite, a lovely trip to Miami in only 10 days, and time to clear out all the junk and get ready for both of our moves.
I sent E only a friendly message. I know she will never ask Mom to live with her because according to her, Mom cramps her life style. She said this years ago when Mom was normal, just old.
Love,
Martha
Meanwhile I do have 2 more weeks of respite, a lovely trip to Miami in only 10 days, and time to clear out all the junk and get ready for both of our moves.
I sent E only a friendly message. I know she will never ask Mom to live with her because according to her, Mom cramps her life style. She said this years ago when Mom was normal, just old.
Love,
Martha
Martha H
03-14-2005, 05:42 AM
Here I go again, obsessing on this subject. E. thinks I 'rush' Mom. Her email is full of "It all works out because I don't rush her. She has to wait for me." E. was always so fast that I could not keep up with her, so how did she get so slow? And how does she think I 'rush' Mom? I leave before Mom gets up, and in the afternoon we watch TV and go to bed. On weekends I walk slowly to a nearby cafe for lunch.
There never is any 'rushing.'
Of course I have to remember that Mom tells tall tales! She may have told Elsie that she can't keep up with me (actually she hangs on my arm like an anchor), etc. E's other 'secret' is 'empowering Mom' e.g. letting her do things without help. This also does not sound at all like the E. I last saw. At the wedding in 10.03 she took charge of Mom because she didn't like the shoes Mom had chosen to wear ( slight heel, strappy) so E. insisted Mom take them off and walk barefoot! Even to the rest room!! This is empowerment?
I just dont get it. B. is not perturbed, saying E. lives in her own world on Cloud 9 where everything is wonderful, everything is fine, and that is how she copes with the world. She does not read newspapers or watch news on TV, because its all full of bad stuff. She asked me last Fall to stop sending reports of how Mom keeps forgetting things and all the other problems Mom has. "I don't want to know about it." That's how she copes. But right now Mom is there and she HAS to know about it. How can she still not see it?
OK, now I've vented enough. On to better things! Back to school today .. I wonder if the report on Lead Paint has come in yet ... the inspection was on March 8th.
Love,
Martha
There never is any 'rushing.'
Of course I have to remember that Mom tells tall tales! She may have told Elsie that she can't keep up with me (actually she hangs on my arm like an anchor), etc. E's other 'secret' is 'empowering Mom' e.g. letting her do things without help. This also does not sound at all like the E. I last saw. At the wedding in 10.03 she took charge of Mom because she didn't like the shoes Mom had chosen to wear ( slight heel, strappy) so E. insisted Mom take them off and walk barefoot! Even to the rest room!! This is empowerment?
I just dont get it. B. is not perturbed, saying E. lives in her own world on Cloud 9 where everything is wonderful, everything is fine, and that is how she copes with the world. She does not read newspapers or watch news on TV, because its all full of bad stuff. She asked me last Fall to stop sending reports of how Mom keeps forgetting things and all the other problems Mom has. "I don't want to know about it." That's how she copes. But right now Mom is there and she HAS to know about it. How can she still not see it?
OK, now I've vented enough. On to better things! Back to school today .. I wonder if the report on Lead Paint has come in yet ... the inspection was on March 8th.
Love,
Martha
angel_bear
03-14-2005, 06:27 AM
MARTHA, MARTHA, MARTHA .........
BUDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY................. (Aussie saying)
DO NOT ENTER INTO THE ARGUMENT .............. E is trying to 'prove a point' .. she has NOT had to live with it, nor will she take responsiblity for it ... she CANNOT be allowed to play the game AND WIN .. at any cost !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Empowerment, my foot ...... she's a control freak .....
OH .........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr on your behalf ......
Girls you know what we need to do? Swap houses ...... we would be so good for each other elsewhere !! LOL
Hugs
Sally
BUDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY................. (Aussie saying)
DO NOT ENTER INTO THE ARGUMENT .............. E is trying to 'prove a point' .. she has NOT had to live with it, nor will she take responsiblity for it ... she CANNOT be allowed to play the game AND WIN .. at any cost !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Empowerment, my foot ...... she's a control freak .....
OH .........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr on your behalf ......
Girls you know what we need to do? Swap houses ...... we would be so good for each other elsewhere !! LOL
Hugs
Sally
Twinlynn
03-14-2005, 12:35 PM
Hi, Martha,
Your post has roused me from a sleepy sorta day here at work--because all the underhanded criticism and "suggestions" you are getting from your sister, are just a "wee bit" too familiar for me to remain pleasantly comatose! :D
My younger sister's reactions to my Mom's increasing "flights of fantasy" was not to register them with any sort of doom and gloom. Well...sure! It was easy for her to ignore it all....she lived down in Florida--and my Mom was up here with my sister and I in New York! Besides, my sister was just full of good advice--"If you had only done x,y and z......you wouldn't have had to worry about u, v and w!!" According to "Sis"--we were overreacting....otherwise--why wouldn't SHE notice all this stuff??
I couldn't even begin to explain just why my sister would not have noticed this "stuff". But, more important was the fact that my Mom had a completely different "face" she was able to show to all but my twin and I, who truly KNEW her!! With my younger sister...and with everyone with whom she had intermittant, short periods of contact ....Mom was the same humorous, gracious, quick person she always had been. So--for those first two years, before it became so clearly obvious that something was, indeed, wrong with her, she managed to fool so many for so long.
But--with my twin and I--she was so depressed and distraught. She admitted she was confused by everything...nothing felt familiar....she wept over the loss of life as she remembered it. And her deteriorating skills were so very noticeable to us. I do think she was honestly so relieved to be able to show how she was REALLY feeling.
So---I truly understand, Martha, what you are going through now. And....all I can say is that it is YOUR observations that are the "true" ones. And that you mother will find that she just cannot keep up this facade for long. My Mom learned that by saying less....asking fewer questions, etc.....and just sort of going along "with the flow"...she did not stir up any anxiety among other friends and family. But, there was just so long that this could go on.
Believe me--your sister is already noticing things that she is hoping not to have to admit to, until they become so "out there", she will HAVE to. Right now, she wants to win the battle between the two of you by showing you how "well" Mom is doing. But--like with my younger sister--it can't and won't last. And, when that point arrives, your sister may well ask you for suggestions on what YOU did to best help your Mom during her "down" and confused periods.
I just hate to think of you going over and over in your mind how you might have made life easier, better, calmer, etc. for your mother. YOU are the one who has done all the caring and the loving. And your sister KNOWS that...and her defensiveness is part of her own guilt. She KNOWS that it's been you who's been there for your mother.
Anyway...just had to make sure you knew that so many of us have had exactly those same thoughts that are now churning over and over in your mind. But--the truth is--you deserve nothing but First Prize for the concern and the love you've shown to your Mom!! :)
I know you're probably going through an emotional period--that is sooooo normal. But you have been such a good person...and your Mom has been so very lucky to have such a loving daughter as you!!! (And I'm sure she knows it!) :angel:
best, Lynn
Your post has roused me from a sleepy sorta day here at work--because all the underhanded criticism and "suggestions" you are getting from your sister, are just a "wee bit" too familiar for me to remain pleasantly comatose! :D
My younger sister's reactions to my Mom's increasing "flights of fantasy" was not to register them with any sort of doom and gloom. Well...sure! It was easy for her to ignore it all....she lived down in Florida--and my Mom was up here with my sister and I in New York! Besides, my sister was just full of good advice--"If you had only done x,y and z......you wouldn't have had to worry about u, v and w!!" According to "Sis"--we were overreacting....otherwise--why wouldn't SHE notice all this stuff??
I couldn't even begin to explain just why my sister would not have noticed this "stuff". But, more important was the fact that my Mom had a completely different "face" she was able to show to all but my twin and I, who truly KNEW her!! With my younger sister...and with everyone with whom she had intermittant, short periods of contact ....Mom was the same humorous, gracious, quick person she always had been. So--for those first two years, before it became so clearly obvious that something was, indeed, wrong with her, she managed to fool so many for so long.
But--with my twin and I--she was so depressed and distraught. She admitted she was confused by everything...nothing felt familiar....she wept over the loss of life as she remembered it. And her deteriorating skills were so very noticeable to us. I do think she was honestly so relieved to be able to show how she was REALLY feeling.
So---I truly understand, Martha, what you are going through now. And....all I can say is that it is YOUR observations that are the "true" ones. And that you mother will find that she just cannot keep up this facade for long. My Mom learned that by saying less....asking fewer questions, etc.....and just sort of going along "with the flow"...she did not stir up any anxiety among other friends and family. But, there was just so long that this could go on.
Believe me--your sister is already noticing things that she is hoping not to have to admit to, until they become so "out there", she will HAVE to. Right now, she wants to win the battle between the two of you by showing you how "well" Mom is doing. But--like with my younger sister--it can't and won't last. And, when that point arrives, your sister may well ask you for suggestions on what YOU did to best help your Mom during her "down" and confused periods.
I just hate to think of you going over and over in your mind how you might have made life easier, better, calmer, etc. for your mother. YOU are the one who has done all the caring and the loving. And your sister KNOWS that...and her defensiveness is part of her own guilt. She KNOWS that it's been you who's been there for your mother.
Anyway...just had to make sure you knew that so many of us have had exactly those same thoughts that are now churning over and over in your mind. But--the truth is--you deserve nothing but First Prize for the concern and the love you've shown to your Mom!! :)
I know you're probably going through an emotional period--that is sooooo normal. But you have been such a good person...and your Mom has been so very lucky to have such a loving daughter as you!!! (And I'm sure she knows it!) :angel:
best, Lynn
LuvMyLilDoggie
03-14-2005, 03:41 PM
My sister and I have had those SAME disgussions when my dad was with her in Alabama. Here's my theory:
1. Your mom is in a really good mood with E. because she hasn't seen E. in a while and is really exited about something different than her normal routine even when she gets confused on what her normal routine is.
2. your mom knows she has to concentrate really hard on things because you're not there to help her.
So, on this point, imagine studying all you're waking hours for a test that's coming up. At first, you're doing pretty well. You're full of energy and exitement because you want a good grade. But as time goes on, you get tired because your brain is getting overloaded so to speak. I think this is what happens to people with alzheimer's. That's why they eventually digress back to where they were. It's too physically and mentally exausting.
So Martha, it's not that you've done a bad job or that E. is doing better than you. It's that your mom trusts you enough and feels comfortable enough with you that she doesn't have to concentrate to the point of exaustion with you. She knows that on her bad days, you'll know just what to do and she knows that E. might not.
As far as E. goes, let her think whatever she wants. To tell you the truth, if my sister were taking care of my dad and he acted ok whenever he came to see me, I might be thinking the same thing she thinks of me. So I've learned to just let it go. I know the truth and that's all that matters.
Martha, don't spend your time away from mom being upset or hurt. There are too many things to be enjoyed out there. You have a trip to Florida soon. Btw, I hope you have a GREAT time! ;)
Maybe the best thing is to avoid contact with E. until your mom is ready to come home.
Love, Barb
1. Your mom is in a really good mood with E. because she hasn't seen E. in a while and is really exited about something different than her normal routine even when she gets confused on what her normal routine is.
2. your mom knows she has to concentrate really hard on things because you're not there to help her.
So, on this point, imagine studying all you're waking hours for a test that's coming up. At first, you're doing pretty well. You're full of energy and exitement because you want a good grade. But as time goes on, you get tired because your brain is getting overloaded so to speak. I think this is what happens to people with alzheimer's. That's why they eventually digress back to where they were. It's too physically and mentally exausting.
So Martha, it's not that you've done a bad job or that E. is doing better than you. It's that your mom trusts you enough and feels comfortable enough with you that she doesn't have to concentrate to the point of exaustion with you. She knows that on her bad days, you'll know just what to do and she knows that E. might not.
As far as E. goes, let her think whatever she wants. To tell you the truth, if my sister were taking care of my dad and he acted ok whenever he came to see me, I might be thinking the same thing she thinks of me. So I've learned to just let it go. I know the truth and that's all that matters.
Martha, don't spend your time away from mom being upset or hurt. There are too many things to be enjoyed out there. You have a trip to Florida soon. Btw, I hope you have a GREAT time! ;)
Maybe the best thing is to avoid contact with E. until your mom is ready to come home.
Love, Barb
Martha H
03-14-2005, 03:59 PM
Barb, that is great advice. I will stop communicating. Yes, I know Mom is on her best behavior, and trying really hard right now, it is only Day 5 of her trip, and soon she will be worn out.
I aready noticed that Mom is silent much more now; in contrast to non stop talking which was normal for her whenever I came for a visit, and of course I figured, we have a lot to catch up on, and she has been alone all this time. I came to NY once or twice a year, she came to Germany or Africa once a year, I took her on a North Sea cruise, and to Switzerland, and to the part of Germany that used to be behind the Iron Curtain (her childhood home) to reunite with relatives she hadn't seen since age 17 in 1990 when the Wall came down, that year she was 82. I wrote letters every week. My sister in Ohio invited her there for 2 weeks every summer.
Maybe E has to prove that she is the GOOD daughter now ..but why? Who cares?
I miss the Mom she was. And I find it incredibly hard to deal with the Mom she is now, the Imposter. I am glad I sent that poem to Bill but not to E!
Love,
Martha
I aready noticed that Mom is silent much more now; in contrast to non stop talking which was normal for her whenever I came for a visit, and of course I figured, we have a lot to catch up on, and she has been alone all this time. I came to NY once or twice a year, she came to Germany or Africa once a year, I took her on a North Sea cruise, and to Switzerland, and to the part of Germany that used to be behind the Iron Curtain (her childhood home) to reunite with relatives she hadn't seen since age 17 in 1990 when the Wall came down, that year she was 82. I wrote letters every week. My sister in Ohio invited her there for 2 weeks every summer.
Maybe E has to prove that she is the GOOD daughter now ..but why? Who cares?
I miss the Mom she was. And I find it incredibly hard to deal with the Mom she is now, the Imposter. I am glad I sent that poem to Bill but not to E!
Love,
Martha
LuvMyLilDoggie
03-14-2005, 04:23 PM
Good choice. I'm sure Bill can appreciate that poem much more than E. And since your mom seems very trusting of Bill too, I think it's a wise choice not to suggest she live with E.
That is so wonderful you both got to go to all of those places and enjoy each other's company so much. Who did you see in Germany? Were they cousins of your mom? I LOVE family reunions and I can only imagine how that was. After all, they probably thought for many years that they'd never be able to see each other again.
I just had a thought. (No, that wasn't fog.) :) Sometimes people who put others down (like E. is doing to you) because they feel so badly about themselves. Just a thought.
How are you doing on the sorting of mom's things?
Love, Barb
That is so wonderful you both got to go to all of those places and enjoy each other's company so much. Who did you see in Germany? Were they cousins of your mom? I LOVE family reunions and I can only imagine how that was. After all, they probably thought for many years that they'd never be able to see each other again.
I just had a thought. (No, that wasn't fog.) :) Sometimes people who put others down (like E. is doing to you) because they feel so badly about themselves. Just a thought.
How are you doing on the sorting of mom's things?
Love, Barb
seekalot
03-14-2005, 04:46 PM
Hi, Martha, hope it's okay if I jump in. I haven't known how to offer any help but have been following with great interest and concern your difficult situation and the heroic and loving job you are doing.
I just had a quick thought about E's comment about Mom being "rushed" by you -- don't know if it applies, but I think I read you work outside the home, perhaps E does not? Those who are privileged to be supported often have the luxury of setting themselves a more leisurely schedule than the "worker bees" must. When the caregiver is also an employed person, inevitably the household pace MUST pick up (which may then indeed feel less "relaxed" and more "rushed" to Mom) as the caregiver/worker is under the pressure of meeting the time demands of the JOB which the non-working caregiver doesn't face.
Now, in an altogether fair world the employed caregiver should get DOUBLE credit for carrying a "double burden" -- but if someone is missing the "big picture" that reality demand could come out being held AGAINST you for supposedly "rushing" the person (but who could imagine anyone being so small-minded and unfair :rolleyes: ) ...just a thought...
I just had a quick thought about E's comment about Mom being "rushed" by you -- don't know if it applies, but I think I read you work outside the home, perhaps E does not? Those who are privileged to be supported often have the luxury of setting themselves a more leisurely schedule than the "worker bees" must. When the caregiver is also an employed person, inevitably the household pace MUST pick up (which may then indeed feel less "relaxed" and more "rushed" to Mom) as the caregiver/worker is under the pressure of meeting the time demands of the JOB which the non-working caregiver doesn't face.
Now, in an altogether fair world the employed caregiver should get DOUBLE credit for carrying a "double burden" -- but if someone is missing the "big picture" that reality demand could come out being held AGAINST you for supposedly "rushing" the person (but who could imagine anyone being so small-minded and unfair :rolleyes: ) ...just a thought...
Martha H
03-14-2005, 04:55 PM
Barb, It is an exhausting job, and the middle is worse than the beginning ...(stuff all over the place) but an end is in sight!
In 1990 I drove 10 hours each way to the little town where Mom still had many living relatives, 3 first cousins (2 have died since ) and their children and grandchildren. The dialect they spoke was difficult for me , since I had learned German in the West (near Holland) .. but the warm feelings were wonderful. Mom had sent them CARE packages throughout the post war time of near starvation. One woman got a package of aspirin in one of Moms packages and said they were kept for years and rationed out only in dire emegencies, when someone had a high fever. Another family had received a roll of Life Savers, and (this is true!) used them in the same way. Someone translated the words for them and they actually believed these were life saving pills. Talk about the placebo effect ..those candies supposedly saved many lives!
We stayed there for 10 days and then I drove the long way back to my house. It was one of the highlights of my life. I found conditions in East Germany similar to the 1950s in America .. and this was 1990.
Mom has always said that coming to America was the smartest thing she ever did.
It is so good to remember her, the way she was! Not to argue about the way she is now ....
love,
Martha
In 1990 I drove 10 hours each way to the little town where Mom still had many living relatives, 3 first cousins (2 have died since ) and their children and grandchildren. The dialect they spoke was difficult for me , since I had learned German in the West (near Holland) .. but the warm feelings were wonderful. Mom had sent them CARE packages throughout the post war time of near starvation. One woman got a package of aspirin in one of Moms packages and said they were kept for years and rationed out only in dire emegencies, when someone had a high fever. Another family had received a roll of Life Savers, and (this is true!) used them in the same way. Someone translated the words for them and they actually believed these were life saving pills. Talk about the placebo effect ..those candies supposedly saved many lives!
We stayed there for 10 days and then I drove the long way back to my house. It was one of the highlights of my life. I found conditions in East Germany similar to the 1950s in America .. and this was 1990.
Mom has always said that coming to America was the smartest thing she ever did.
It is so good to remember her, the way she was! Not to argue about the way she is now ....
love,
Martha
LuvMyLilDoggie
03-14-2005, 05:02 PM
Thank you so much Martha! The Lifesavers thing-I'm falling off my chair laughing! LOL!!! You have no idea how much I needed that today. Oh wait-yes you do!
Love, Barb
Love, Barb
Martha H
03-14-2005, 08:46 PM
Yes, Seekalot, I work full time as a nursery school teacher. My sister and her husband are both retired. Now that Mom is there, E has all the time in the world to take her places (she has a car, I use public transportaion) and be with her. No schedules, no deadlines. I RUSH home to get here before Mom's aide leaves ... I FEEL RUSHED, but I don't see how Mom can.
Thanks for the input. My brother reassured me tonight that E's attitude has nothing to do with me, and I should not take it personally.
Love,
Martha
Thanks for the input. My brother reassured me tonight that E's attitude has nothing to do with me, and I should not take it personally.
Love,
Martha