Hi Coach, Just worried about u.

Managed to get some help and support ?

thinking of you

jj

I dont know anymore how I am doing. I am afraid to think about it, talk about it, etc. I upset my friend today because I asked for the pain pills she took from my house the other day. I am not addicted to them - I barely take them but the thought of them not being there if I need them is driving me crazy. Now I have pissed her off and I am afraid I will lose her friendship - I cant handle anything like that. My life is a mess and I am so tired - she says I have an alcoholic mind and that it is going to destroy me if I dont accept it. So not only am I depressed I am also an addict. Not worth it! Thanks for caring anyway.

Hi Coach,
I was so relieved to see that you answered. We all care about you. I just don't know what else to say. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I want you to feel better so you can enjoy life. I want that for myself too. Hang in there.

Sam :wave:

im glad that u answered too!!!! :) see people do care coach,. even people who havent met u before like us. im sure ur friend knows that ur going through a crappy time and she is only tryingt ohelp so dont be too hard on urself! take care coach

Brett

hey coach - go easy on yourself !
You're allowed to be depressed and despairing but not to wallow in self pity.

It may well be that you do have "an alcoholic mind" - but that's not the same thing as being an addict - i certainly have that type of mind - not too good with alcohol, managed to stop smoking but scared to death to get close to anything else cos i'm sure it would be easy to get addicted. I'm not worried about AD's - different mechanism of action - but terrified to even try any kind of tranc or benzodiazepine - would rather live with anxiety ,stress and insomnia . Anyway, more and more, addiction is being seen as an illness rather than just a decadent and undisciplined personality - not easy to live with but just as dangerous as high blood pressure if ignored.

Now - if you had a 104 degree temp and severe abdominal pain you'd be at the doctor - right ?
You've got that much pain in your heart right now and it needs some help !!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try and get some !

jj

Coach,

The desperation and the urge to give up I hear in your posts shakes me to the core. I've heard these thoughts before. They came from my husband. My heart breaks just thinking about all the unnecessary pain he went through in dealing with depression for over 24 years. He spiraled out of control....never being able to understand why things were taking this drastic turn....and wondering all the while if it was even possible anymore, that he could ever return to the person he was so many years ago. He had given up all hope....lived day to day, hoping to catch a glimpse...a small promise that things won't always be so bleak. Each day, that hope grew dimmer. Devestating!!

I'm sharing this with you, because we did finally find hope, the possibility of an end to all of this. It takes time....but it can happen. It just depends on how bad you want it.....

There is a wealth of knolwedge out there. You just have to know where to look....and believe me....no doc I've ever come across would have shared this knowledge with us.

While meds do have their place in treating depression...the actual amount of people who really benefit from them is relatively small compared to those whose lives diminish as a result of them. With the numerous side effects associated with these drugs....is it any wonder they cause more problems than they cure? I really believe that all you're feeling is a direct result of the meds you've been prescribed and have taken.

Coach, you are a victim of this disease....not the cause of it. There are numerous books to read that will help you sort all this out...and prove that what I'm saying is true. There are great and wonderful doctors (outside of the "standard medical world") that can and will find your cure!! You'd be surprised at the number of things a typical doc won't even consider looking at, that could be the root of your depression!! I'm willing to share my list of books and alternative routes if you're interested. Just please don't give up!! There really is hope!!

Wishing you Peace & Healing,
mj

I will take any help and advice mj -- I am very desperate right now. All I can think about is drinking and finding a way to get more OxyContin because I want to be numb...my mind is a mess and I am scared.

I will take any help and advice mj -- I am very desperate right now. All I can think about is drinking and finding a way to get more OxyContin because I want to be numb...my mind is a mess and I am scared.

Coach,

The first thing you need to do is get yourself the proper help. I don't know if you're in some sort of therapy/counseling or not....but if you are....stay there...if not.....get there!! Getting things out in the open definitely puts things into perspective, helps keep the mind clear of clutter, and can help dispell any unwarranted fears. If you are in counseling and not feeling these things are being appropriately dealt with.....try another therapist. Keep trying until you find the one that DOES give you the help you need.

If you feel you have hit a dead end with conventional docs.....seek out someone who practices Environmental Medicine, Holistic Medicine, Homeopathic Medicine, Alternative Medicine, or even Accupuncture. These types of docs, I've found out, are much more aggresive and determined to find a cure. There are many causes for the way you're feeling....thyroid, food allergies, hormonal imbalances, nutrient absorbsion(or lack thereof), digestive imbalances, over-medication.... the list goes on and on.

Surround yourself with only those people who can honestly love you for who you are at the moment, those you know that truly have your best interest at heart and will do anything to support you in getting yourself back where you need to be... not the ones who treat you negatively hoping to "shock" you back into reality. While the negative people can't always be avoided....they don't have to be part of your "inner circle". Heck, you already feel bad about where you are right now in life...you certainly don't need the constant reminder from so-called friends!!

And most importantly, please don't give up!! There really is help....you just have to go get it. If you're up to reading let me know. I've got some great books that have helped open our eyes and given us the strength to keep going. Please keep posting.....please consider trying alternative medical venues.....please remember that people here care....and please know that I am here for you!!

Talk to me.......
mj

Coach.....

You've been quiet for a few days.....how are thngs going?

Just concerned,

mj

I would love to say things are getting better but they arent -- I spent the last two days inside my apartment doing nothing but watching tv and taking things to try and numb myself. I scared myself last night because I started getting really hot and my chest felt a little heavy - was light headed and felt sick to my stomach. I mixed a few things last night and I know that is so stupid -- yet I know I will be doing it again tonight to make it through the night. My life is out of control and I dont think I can stop it -- I am going to mess up and lose everything -- probably my life. Life is not supposed to be this hard and I cant handle this anymore. I am just wasting space -- and letting everyone down and being a burden. I NEED help and part of me WANTS help - while the other part truly wants to not try anymore. Sorry so negative and I apologize to everyone in here for being like this. I am trying but just want to be honest on how I am doing and feeling -- cant do that with anyone here -- my friends are tired of my issues.

Coach,

It pains me to know that you are hurting so!! What is stopping you from getting out and really getting the help you need to move on? I do understand numb...I understand the false sense of safety it gives a person.....but it is that "safety" that is what it truly is keeping you prisoner. You say part of you wants to get help....why not really give THAT little voice a chance? No one should have to live with the pain you're living with.

You are not worthless!! You are not taking up space!! You are in pain...and owe no one any appologies for that!! But Coach, you really need to try to get yourself out of that drug induced rollercoaster ride your on. It is a quick fix to what's ailing you...but nothing gets resolved and the problems will continue to loom larger and larger. They are already starting to take over your life and your mind....they are the evils that are telling you that you are worthless.....

Have you considered detox? Not an easy step I am sure....gotta be a pretty scary thought really.....but it may be your only hope right now. I know it's hard...but thinking you really need to get away from the "self-medicating".

I hope I don't sound too harsh...that is not my intent. I really am concerned and wish there was something I could do to help you get through this. I am glad, though, that you are willing to post how you're feeling...and what you're doing. I appreciate your honesty. At this point....because of the boards rules...I can only be here to talk to you.....to share ideas, thoughts...and offer support. But if it's worth anything to you....I'm willing to that. Again I wish I could do more.

Please continue to post and let me know how you're doing from time to time. Keep hanging in there!!

mj

I am making it through majority of the day -- struggling to get through then finally giving in at night to taking something to make my headache, anxiety, depression, etc disappear for a little while only to have it return the next day. This cycle is getting the best of me. Today was the first day I thought about taking something or drinking something during the day because of how I feel -- but I know I cant because I am out trying to run errands so I will just wait till I get home and I know I am not leaving again. Soon I will not be strong enough to do this -- I am not taking that much or drinking that much...I will be fine. Just have to get out of this funk.