Hello to all of you. I know that some of you are dealing with the recent deaths of your parents and I just wanted to share my experience with you.
My Mother was 48 years old and she was diagnosed with emphysema, by looking at her you never would have known that she was even sick most of the time. She had a job at a local department store that she talked about all of the time, and she was pretty active. She had started smoking at about 13 years old, and she would never quit. I watched my Mom go from a beautiful young woman, to an old woman in 6 years. My daughter was closer to my Mom than anyone in the world. We visited my parents almost every day. I have 3 children, my daughter is now 13, and I also have 2 sons ages 10 and 3. The day before my mother died, she called me and we talked for over an hour on the phone, we didn't visit her that day, but we were making plans for the next day which was sat. April 3, 1999. You know, I remember so many things that we talked about in that conversation and I cherish them. Anyway, we went to my parent's the next day to arrive at the same time as a police car and a fire truck, they rode up the same elevator with my family and I and I heard them say the apt # that they were going to and it was my parent's apartment. Now that was not strange to me, there were so many times that my mom would need an ambulance, and it was almost routine. I watched as the firemen tried to break in my parents door and I couldn't figure out why neither of them would unlock it. My husband, my son, my daughter and I went down the hall because bu this time there were so many emergency workers arriving that a crowd was forming. The door finally opened and I took that walk, alone, up the hall to find out what was happening before I let my children go in. I saw my Father, still sleepy eyed talking to police and a room full of medical personell in my mother's room. I walked up to my dad and he told me that he woke up and my mom was not breathing, so it turned out that my dad was doing cpr on her and he was afraid to stop long enough to open the door. He told me that was the hardest thing, to stop doing cpr and unlock the door. I was looking at them working on my mother, they were using the paddles to try to get her heart going, there was an actual Doctor there who was working on her as well. I then took that long walk out to my family in the hall wondering how to tell my daughter that her Grandma had died and they were trying to save her... I tell you I was absolutely numb, and I walked up and told her that I think Grandma died. As soon as I told her that she started calling "Grandma, Grandma!!" with such urgency. We all knew that the day was coming that she would die, but even her own Doctor was suprised. However it was that she continued to smoke that did it. They came out after almost 30 minutes of working on her, and I already knew that she was gone. It was like surreal, I saw this on tv so many times, and here the Doctor was saying that there was nothing more that could be done that she had died. My Father begged the Doctor not to give up, to keep working on her and he and my daughter were holding on to each other tight, but the Doctor very gently helped my Father to understand that he did everything that he could. You know, there were so many people there and they were all so nice, they were very warm. One of them asked if anyone wanted to go in to see my mother for the last time, my sister who lived up the street had also come over by this time with her family. I knew that I had to go in and see my mom, the emergency worker told me that I should not bring my daughter in to see her due to how my mom looked from them trying to revive her, they told me that it would be better if she remembered her alive. I don't know if it was the right choice, but being that my daughter was 7,I agreed with them. My daughter now tells me that I should have let her see my mom, but she is not angry that I did not let her. I went into my mom's room alone, no one else in my family could bring themselves to go in. The first shock to me was that they covered her head with a sheet, but my arm was laying so that her hand was sticking out from under the sheet, and her hand looked just like it always did, I went up and I pulled the sheet off of her, it was shocking the changes were extreme from trying to revive her, they asked if I would help take her jewlery off, and I tried to but I couldn't unscrew the clasp from her bracelet. I told them to let her keep it on. I said oh mom, and I hugged her. I told them I wanted to give her the hug I would have given her that day if she were alive. I know I wanted that day to pass by and to be far away from it, I cried and cried and cried, tears fell from my eyes nonstop, even though I wasn't sobbing and when I was talking normally, for days tears just continued to flow no matter what I was doing. We talk about my mom all of the time now. My Dad had a very hard time for years, but he is doing ok now. If you haveever heard Elvis Presley sing "Softly as I leave you," it describes almost the same thing that happend to my father. He took a short nap and awoke to find my mother dead. He cries every time he listens to that song.
Now, almost 6 years later I still miss my mom. But it is easier now. I was the type of kid that would gethomesick for my mom if I tried to spend the night away from home, my parents would always wind up picking me up. It gets easier over time and I think about my mom everyday. I know that life is so fragile, and I hope to never experience losing a child. Thank you for letting me share my story

My grandmother died nine days ago. She was diagnosed with emphysema and copd in her fifties, but didn't stop smoking until her early 70's. She died in the cardiac care unit, because her heart couldn't work overtime anymore for her lungs to get the oxygen all the places it needed to be. In the 6 days that it took her to totally give up, I learned that she had somehow summoned power from every organ, system, and muscle group in her later years to suck as much life out of whatever amount of oxygen she was able to get into her body. I was surprised to find out that she had found a way to live a daily life on a carbon dioxide saturation level that would have killed me or any other healthy member of our family. I was her primary caregiver for 12 years, until last year, when I got married and my mom took over. She tried her best, but system after system started to fail in my grandmother--most of it due to the side effects of the drugs she was taking to keep her lungs going. I know that this time had to come, but as an adult grandchild, she was my guiding light and my consigliore. I know she was in great pain, and so unwilling to let go. I can fairly say that she did not want to go, and kept holding on, drifting in and out of consciousness for the six days she managed to linger after her lungs failed. Her last question to me, with a gesture with her hands, was "Why?" I had no answer for her, and it makes me feel so inept that I could not find some other way to help live life in a comfortable way for yet another stretch of time. I'm in my late thirties, and I wonder if this pain will still be raw for another 20 years, will it dull, will it ever go away? Of all the members of my family, I trusted her the most. I guess I'm angry that I have to grow up now, and make my own decisions without her counsel. It's even more raw for me right now because my grandmother's legal heirs are already selling her house, her oasis from the world. Only yesterday, eight days after she died, a family has walked into her bedroom, her kitchen, her backyard and assessed it as a "bargain" for themselves. I don't want to let go of her memory. Am I being childish? Am I still trying to protect her from forces that would harm her? This is the most profound loss I've ever experienced.

i am so sorry to hear of your sad lost. My father is now suffering from emphysema was diagnosed 6 years ago, a year after my mother passed away. It is so strange but im sure that a piece of the child we all have inside dies when we loose a parent/grandparent. Who do we ask for advice and guidance now! We need that approval of our decisions! Its hard and i completley understand how u feel. A little more confidence in ourselves is what we need. I am still trying to find that now. Its horrible when people are touching our loved ones stuff and in their once owned space, i think it is probably a very common thing to have these emotions, i used to have a tea towel of my mums, it was old and tatty but special to me.....3 weeks ago my husband chopped his index finger off...and i just grapped the tea towel to wrap around the bag containing the finger and ice....i didnt realise until after what i had done ..and left it at the hospital....perhaps it was there for a reason..to protect my husband from blood loss. but i hated loosing it. The house she lived in is now sold and i cant bear to go pass. We will learn to cope with these feelings i hope.
God Bless

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties as well. In your situation, I would console myself by believing that if my mother had been alive, she would have been the first to use the tea towel for that purpose, too. After all, when we love our parents/grandparents so much, isn't that because they loved us in the same way, and would sacrifice so much just for our health and happiness? I feel a little better than I did just yesterday, because I was brave enough to tell my mother how I felt about missing her mother, my grandmother. I was also brave enough to express my sad expectation that once the house would be sold, she would move a few states away to be with the rest of my family, and I would be "left alone" here, with only my husband and his family in the area. To my surprise, my mother responded in a very self-reflective way, and started acting in a way that showed me that she was going to try to step in to my grandmother's place in my heart and in my life. She had never been this unselfish with me before--usually her husband and the rest of my siblings came first. It meant so much to have her acknowledge that I mean enough for her to take me into consideration before she makes any important decisions regarding my grandmother's things. She spent time with me last night and today, like my grandmother would have, and gave me the undivided attention I didn't realize I had been craving. Perhaps what I am learning from this is that if I am brave enough to actually share my feelings to someone I trust, he or she might step up to the plate to help me not feel so alone. Do you have that opportunity with your husband's family? Is your mother in law in the area? Or is there another relative or close family friend you could try to share some of your burden with?

its sad sometimes but a death often brings people closer together which is a positive thing to come out of grief...i am so pleased this seems to have happened with you and your mother. Your mother is obviously thinking of you alot now and respecting your feelings...same thing has happened with my dad. The closest time spent with my mother was the 20months of her illness...before she died .i felt so close to her. i have a wonderfull husband and 2 fabulous daughters ..who have been a tower of strengh to me. All my grandparents died when i was young. Not close to inlaws. Have a wonderfull sister who is very dear to my heart and we support each other.
I am glad you are feeling a bit better today. Take each day as it comes. ((hugs))

Every day is getting better--it's easier to cope with things a little bit better each day. It's important for me to be able to talk it out anonymously in the privacy of my home, so I can cry when I feel like it, and heal faster. I agree that we have seemed to come closer in the last two weeks. Taking a full two weeks off from work seemed to also bring my family and I closer, because it's an action that proves that I'd rather help us out of the grief than focus on money (for as long as is feasibly possible). These boards have helped me a great deal, so I am very appreciative of the time you have taken to reply. Blessings.