ggrl65,
How are you doing......... haven't seen much of you lately and wondering about you. Just wanted to touch base with you and let you know that I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts

I was thinking the same thing...Hope you are hanging in there Ggrl!
Big wave to Marilyn! Hi hon, good to see you too, thanks for posting!
Ell

Hello- my friends..
You guys are so good-you make me feel like you really care-more than the people around me sometimes..
im feeling a little off-im breaking pieces off the 1 mg now..so i wake up really tweaky..like when i used-and needed to get straight-that creepy/crawly thing-oh thank God-my coffee is here..too tired to get to s'bucks/for beans-.
I must be honest-ive had flashes of my "past"- lately-coming down-and its recall-im not afraid-that im gonna use-because-like i said-rehab before using.
uno momento-
ggrl :angel:

im back..marilyn/ellen-thank you-you know i need you now..i know this is gonna be hard-but i got so many other things going on-its hard to stay focused.
I realise now-this was prolonging the inevitable-but again it gave me close to 2 yrs of relative peace..(addiction).my relationship has been difficult-sons got issues of his own-im in pain-(threw my back out)..
the list is long and overwhelming-but i won't bore you w/ the details of my sad story-cos im trying to rise above-and let go-i can't hold on to all the periphery..when i got this work to do.
i love you guys-and i hope you are both hanging in there..
any news?
ggrl :angel:

ggrl65,
I am so pissed I just typed this long post that was so good and I lost it ........OOOHHHHHH I'm ready to chew nails. One of my best pieces.......it would have won a Pulitzer, and one wrong click and it was gone. Which probably saved you now you can get the condensed version.
I have had you on my mind alot, and hadn't seen much of you but knew that you were on a mission and was concerned. I lurked for so long and feel a special attachment to you,Dal Al, Ellnyc,Lisa,the Twinkies, C'Mom, Banker, Sara oh there were a few of ya'll that I followed and I'm not trying to differentiate between "old timers" and "newer timers" we're all here for the same reason just felt that special bond. Don't know why I feel the need to 'splain myself Lucy it's just my way I guess.
Our home issues sometimes are our worst triggers, I feel like such a fraud and I'm not going to get on my chronic pain soapbox, told that story enough.My problem is not taking them with any sense, I was telling someone the other day that I stop at the pharmacy and pop them like popcorn on the way home, and am so curious about the sub. I haven't seen it mentioned as something that I maybe could use to keep from abusing mine like I do, I know years ago when it was just an addiction with me they put the naloxone in Talwin but they did that to keep people from shooting up I think. I am doing OK right now but I get so disgusted with myself when I mess up.............so frustrating!!
Well, so much for the condensed version, sometimes I just take a thought and ramble sorry.
Have been missing you and want you to know that I keep you in my heart and send you prayers and good thoughts daily, and I hope that each day this mission becomes easier and easier. GIRL, we are survivors, we have shown that with the things we've let ourselves get into. I firmly believe God has something for me to do, I've had too many situations that could have gone bad but for some reason I am still here.
You're always in my heart,
Marilyn


Ellnyc,
Sooo good to see you as well, I knew after your trip you seemed to be in a liitle bit of a "funk" that we all get into sometime. Then there are sometimes that things happen to friends we don't understand or can't stand up for but we have to remember that one day, some rainy day we may run into them on a crowded street. (I'm a die hard romantic)
El, you I have a special space in my heart for, you have medical issues and you deal with your pain so sensibly, you are such an inspiration to me you just don't realize.
My thoughts and prayers as well
Love
Marilyn



ioafd,
Thanks for your input on the sub W/D I have been curious about it, and hope everyone can take it as intended. We all fear the unknown and I think your post would have helped me if I was at that point, of course I'm not. How long have you been off the sub,or did I miss it in your post? Congrats on your success if you are off and I wish you continued strength, ONE SECOND,MINUTE,HOUR,DAY whatever it takes.
Good luck and sending prayers
Marilyn

Hang tough, I'm sending you power, feel it?!

DCV_
Yes i do-!!!Thanks i need it!And appreciate it.
Whats happening?How are you doing today?
Well im now on close to .5-its next to nothing..now-its the tinest piece..
Think im just gonna stop this weekend-seems like i should.
Most people stop around this point..im ready.At least see how i feel-if not ill keep doing .5 for a week-
When i was talking about waking up feeling weird/its still ok.I knew i was gonna feel something-im never going back to that way of life.
I can't/i won't-i owe this board so much-every morning i pray for the board-and that we all find peace and recovery.
Did i ask you if you saw-"dope sick love on hbo?
If you get on demand-its on-very intense...and there were sections i could definitely relate too-the frantic/chaotic/need-God-please never let me go back to using again.Im a little hyper-sorry..the coffee..
Hope your alright-and ill hear from you soon-
ggrl
I do get to meetings when i can-but its time to step it up..

Hang in there Goddessgrl!!!!
You are doing really well!!! I can't believe how far you've tapered down. It sounds like you are almost ready to take the plunge. I have all the faith in the world in you, i know how strong you are. You can make it thru this, just go at it slow, just like you have been. Have you checked out rational recovery...???? It is a pretty good alternative to meetings, they have all kinds of worksheets on their website and lots of info....very interesting stuff :)
O.k.....sending you [[[[strength]]]]and {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Hope you have a nice weekend.....i gotta get out today and try to find something to wear for Easter. I HATE clothes shopping, it always puts me in a crabby mood. I can never find anything that fits me. I hate it.
The doctor has me on Ensure shakes and i have finally gained 5 lbs.....
See the weight thing is a struggle with me too, i am just on the other end trying frantically to gain weight. O.k....gonna jump in the shower so when the kiddies get up, i can jet to the store....the earlier the start the better.
I am a coffee freak too!!!! I GOTTA have my coffee :D
I love ya Goddessgrl.....stay strong, i am praying for you
luv,
LISA

Lisa-
Thanx hon-You know i always think about you-and its true-you are such a comfort-to so many of us.
Everyone just wants you to be happy..
Wish we were meeting for coffee..but i raise my cup o' good morning america-and say-cheers!!!To miss lisa-and power/love to you-girl..
Im very interested in RR-im gonna check out there meeting at the local hospital here next week-based on cognitive behavioral therapy-right?
I need meetings but i still have a tough time w/ AA-i think i never found the right grp. to click with-(locally-the meetings-are filled w/ people i know from my past-its hard to share in that enviorment..ya know what i mean????
Have a great day-and coffees brewing!
ggrl

Marilyn-
i also wrote the "constitution"..to you and lost it..i need to type faster..
Yes-we are survivors-how/why i don't know-God does have a plan-for us..a second chance perhaps?Pain management has got to be difficult-even the folks i know personally-who have needed meds for severe health issues-struggle so hard-with the addiction-its the nature of the pills.
But whats the alternative...i guess you have to do-what you got to do-to function/and be somewhat comfortable-is that a crime?No way..
Manageing your intake..well-thats something else..do you generally stick to the required dose?But when you get some over do it a little more?
Whatever the case-remember..you didn't ask for the pain-your trying to manage it.That is tricky-when you are prescribed highly addictive medication.
Sub-is not a choice for use w/ pain meds-and it does not help w/ pain at all.
If i were to have surgery-id have to go off them to feel the effects of the meds.
Its strictly for maitainence/w/d-and knowing what i know now-short term is the way to go-6 months to a year..for long term users.
oh well-i was a guinea pig-but it worked-ive been drug free-for almost 2 years-and im getting off this-any day now..of course-i was just plain ol addicted to drugs-i wasn't in physical pain-but my life was filled w/ pain.
Letting it go...
ggrl :angel:

ggrl65,
Yeah, that's how mine started, don't remember the exact reason just was perscribed something for pain and while it took the physical pain away it miraculously took away the emotional pain so the self-medicating began. I've even asked myself if this is some sort of payback for using/abusing them all those years that I didn't have pain. If so, I think I've put in enough time and I need a reprieve. LOL
With me there is no management of intake, if they are there I'll take them. But I have to say the last two months I have done so much better, not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but not eating 20 or so a day, it's this lack of control that just IRKS my butt.
As you say, I do what I have to do to keep some sort of quality in my life at least that's what I want to do. I was hoping that maybe the sub would be



an option of being a pain reliever that I COULD NOT abuse. I think that

what I've been wanting to ask for awhile but was scared of the answer.
Maybe someday someone will concoct just the right formulation, and we'll

work just as hard figuring out a way to abuse it. I don't mean to sound so cynical, I get so frustrated with myself..............OK enough whining and piypartying.















bump





I continue to send good thoughts your way and hope that with every minute that goes by you have renewed strength. You have been so helpful to so many people on this board, and I feel very safe in saying we are all here for you now sending our love and support.
Wishing you and yours a Happy Easter
Marilyn

Hi ggrl,

Wow, .5 mg, I didn't realize you were that far down. Good for you. I must say you complained very little but I'm guessing that is your nature. I'm sure it has been tough. I admire your strength.

How is your son? I have a 21 year old son, I think we've chatted about him. He's an addict too. He was sober 5 mos and slipped for 2 days and ended up in the ER. It didn't take him long to go all the way down. He's been sober since, going to meetings and lives at a new halfway house because they kicked him out of the one he was in for slipping.

I was able to get him on my ins plan at no cost to me. That was great news because he is on very expensive pychiatric drugs...to many in my opinion. He is beginning to taper 1 of them.

I'm doing well. I've been clean&sober 6 mos now! Life is good. I still have crappy things that happen like I just checked my bank acct and I'm overdrawn!!! But even so, my life is soooo much better. I would say even happiness peeks out every now and then ;)

Patty

Hi everybody!

Ggrl!
Wow, so very close to freedom! I am awestruck by your courage and determination to get free. Eeeech! I'm nervous for you! I still remember my very last miniscule dose of methadone (so many, many years ago, like 1976! - G-d I'm so ****en old!) and how it felt letting it go. I remember too, taking my very last dose of withdrawal medication when I was in rehab and detoxing from xanax in 1988. Extremely scarey and exciting moments, just before taking the plunge. I salute you girl and will pray for an easy transition for you! You'll know when it's time, no need to rush till you feel it. I'm so proud of you!

Marilyn,
Hi sweetie, you too have a special place in my heart and I know there will be better medication and pain control in your future if that is what you want. I too suffer with chronic pain (been "talking" a bit about my own struggles with that on some other threads, ie: Ultram), and I know the balancing act for those of us formerly addicted is not easily achieved. It is a struggle! Just do the best you can to reach a small goal each day and continue to pray for more willingness.

Hiya Patty!
Big congrats on 6 months clean! I am thrilled to hear that things seem to be coming together for you AND your son and that you are sounding so good! Keep us posted.

Love and Hugs to all!
Ellen

hey hey girls

Good morning.. :wave:
Thanx el/patty/marilyn-
You are so kind to me..i say it all-the time..thank you..for being here for me-listening to me-and praying for my recovery.
I don't take your friendship and compassion for granted-you guys/and the gang..are like angels to me.. :angel:
There is no point in flippin' out-yet..lol..this dose is now barely a blip-i can feel the adjustment to .5-which is something..it takes the weepy eyes/sneezing away-energy low but got coffee to boost me-if this works-and i can come off this ok-(realising there is gonna be some weeks of transistion)
I know it will help others realise this can be done-this treatment was worth it-and maybe-someone who needs help-can't seem to get out-will find a way-thru sub.
Thank you Goddess/God-for another chance at life.
be back
ggrl :angel:

Good morning.. :wave:
Thanx el/patty/marilyn-
You are so kind to me..i say it all-the time..thank you..for being here for me-listening to me-and praying for my recovery.
I don't take your friendship and compassion for granted-you guys/and the gang..are like angels to me.. :angel:
There is no point in flippin' out-yet..lol..this dose is now barely a blip-i can feel the adjustment to .5-which is something..it takes the weepy eyes/sneezing away-energy low but got coffee to boost me-if this works-and i can come off this ok-(realising there is gonna be some weeks of transistion)
I know it will help others realise this can be done-this treatment was worth it-and maybe-someone who needs help-can't seem to get out-will find a way-thru sub.
Thank you Goddess/God-for another chance at life.
be back
ggrl :angel:

ggrl, HERE I AM!!!! lol Really, i may be being fairly quiet (for a change) but I have been following your story. I am so proud of you and the progress you are making. I was soooooo sure a few weeks ago that i Sub was the route for me, i had the first of many appts. set up and then i had to cancel because my little boy (he is handicapped) became very very ill. So in the mean time i have been doing alot of lurking on here and reading about the Sub and now i am not so sure that this is for me. I believe God works in mysterious ways so maybe my having to cancel my appt. was a sign. I dont know, i am just still confused and of course i am still stuck in this rut of a life. I really need to take a minute and look deep within myself to get some answers and to make decisions, however, around this mad house I cant even go to the bathroom in peace!!!! lol I am just sad and lost, someday maybe i will find my way. Anyway, I just wanted to touch base with you and to let you know I think about you often and I draw strength from your every word. You are so strong and doing so well, I am so proud of you!!!!!

ValleyGurl