Hey everyone.....I have to say that I am in some real trouble this time around. I cant quit this ****. I cant seem to get my head around it.....I am trying to quit everyday, but, i just cant seem to. For those reading this that dont know my story....I am an oxycontin addict, with about 2 years, under my belt, and I am currently taking about 4-5 80mgs a day,(if i behave)

I am so worried, this time. I cant seem to handle the mental part of this. I am out of money, and time, and things are about to get really bad for me. I tried to quit earlier in the week, but, without luck.

I am really hard on myself this time around, about 8 months ago i started agian, i had quit, but i had no set myself up with support, and i relapsed, after 3 and a half months. But now, i am falling apart, really, falling apart.

I need some major advice, if i dont stop this soon, i am going to lose everything. everything. My habit , is now officially costing me at least 100 a day, since, well, i was going to a local doctor, who got his licence suspended, for over prescribing...that was last month. I have never been in such a low place. I think, i need someone, to lock my inside, or something, and get me a few days in without. I cant seem to get even 1 day in. I went on the methadone, program, but i cant seem to even stick to that. I dont want to be stuck on that stuf forever either. I am at a loss.

Oxy, Hi there, I am so sorry for the position you are in and how bad you are feeling. I know how it is, believe me. First let me say, i see the dose you said that you were on dailey and the cost, i dont know if the pills are all being prescribed or if you are buying them off the street, but let me tell you, in my area $100.00 a day for the amount that you are taking is CHEAP as compared to what drug dealers are selling them for around here. I know, IRRELIVENT, I am just babbling and saying what is on the top of my head. Anyway, you said you are in a Methadone treatment? So are you saying that you take a dailey dose of Methadone and also take the Oxy's too? If so, what dose of Methadone do they have you on? Is it possible that you could get your dose increased a little to possibly keep you from craving other drugs?

I may be way off here and if that is the case i am sorry. I am just trying to understand a little better. Please, take slow deep breaths and calm down. You can get through this. We are all here to help you. I know Oxy's are so very powerful. Keep posting and we will all try our very best to help you get through this....ok?????

ValleyGurl

My son is two months clean from 4 80's a day and 10 - 15 snorts of heroin a day. He did CT at my house. Second CT for him in the last two years. I told him he could live at home but only if he is clean. I drug test him every other day. If he ever comes up positive he is homeless so he has an incentive to stay clean. Do you have family who could help you through this? If not you really need to go to detox. Having gone through this with my son twice, I don't see how he could have done it without some support. What about suboxone? There is help out there, if you are willing to accept it. I can imagine how difficult this is for you, especially if you are alone. If you go to detox, once you are clean you still need some kind of support system- NA or AA or a drug addiction therapist like my son goes to. He won't go to meetings. I read your other posts and you wrote how great you felt for 3 months when you were clean. Remember that. It can happen again but you need to make it happen. I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better but I don't. It broke my heart to watch my son suffer through this terrible addiction and it breaks my heart when even someone I don't know has to go through the same thing. I pray you find the help and strength to get through this.

Well, i do have a supporting family, but i cannot summon the courage to tell them again, what i am going through. It will kill them.....I cant bear to do it. But, I dont know what else to do. To anwser your questions, I had a doctor prescribing me 3X80mgs a day, and he just lost his license. So, yeah, no i am buying them on the street, and they are pretty easy to get here, at a cost of 20.00 a pop, or 25.00 if your in a pinch.....its way to much. I am losing it, and I am losing all of the things i have worked hard for in the past. Its unreal what I will do for pills. I cant believe it, I am so ashamed of myself.....

OxYmOrOn

Listen oxy, don't beat yourself up and instead of hating yourself, how about turning the hate toward PILLS. That is how i went about it, i developed a severe hatred for them and what they turned me into....
Stick with the methadone clinic for now and GO TO A NA MEETING....you can just sit and listen, you don't even have to talk if you don't want to. If meetings are out, why not admit yourself to detox, it would only be a week or so of your life, to GET your life back on track. Sometimes being locked up is the only way we learn. One time when i was detoxing, my car broke down, and i was so thankful that i was "car-less" because it stopped the madness and let me follow thru with my plan. What happened with the methadone? Did they kick you out? How about suboxone??? maybe look for a doctor in your area, if you are paying 100 bucks a day for your habit, i am sure the sub. will be much cheaper. That would be my suggestion.....Suboxone.
Hang in there, and stop beating yourself up over this and just start using your energy on other things, like looking for a sub doctor, or finding a meeting near you. Try to stabilize for now....on the lowest dose possible, and just get used to the idea of not getting HIGH, just taking the least amount possible to starve off w/d.....How about switching to vicodin to taper down.....
I am just trying to give you every option i can think of.....
Please consider telling your family, you will feel so much better, once you do.
You say they are very supportive, so go to them, that is what family is for!
hang in there, i am praying for you, try to focus on a plan.....
luv,
LISA

Don't be ashamed of yourself. Those feelings won't help you. I really think you need to tell your family. If you go to them asking for help to get into a detox center, hopefully they will support you. You really need to talk to your family. I know you must be afraid right now but think of how good you will feel if you tell them and get into a detox and get the help you need. I know you can do it. Tell them to drug test you when you get out of detox. That's what keeps my son clean. He knows I will drug test him 4 or 5 times a week. It makes him accountable. Please think about talking to your family.

If you are already on the methadone program and you plan on going that route then YOU NEED TO UP YOUR DOSE! I am the first one to tell people to try to not go the methadone route but sometimes it seems to be the only option to keep your sanity at the moment. UP your dose every time untill you don't want any more oxys. Take it from my experience, the methadone, when at the right dose will totally satisfy you all the way. It is always wacked when the drugs get hard to get, run out, or you run out of money. It always seems like everything in your life is wacked. Been there and done that about a million times. The thing is that one day you will have the ability and stregth to completely quit and untill that day comes you have to find some way to keep your sanity. Methadone is some powerful stuff, but so are the drugs, and if you need some temporary fixing to gather some strength then screw it. Get your dose upped and you will be much happier and won't want the pills.

And what lisa said is all too true. I was thanking God for the jail cell I wound up in. Locked up or rehab, whatever. I could always check out of rehab and it was never long enough for me. I needed to be locked up to keep myself from myself. It gave me enough time to get my head, heart, and body back in tune and to gather the strenght to fix myself. I am now three years clean. Back 5 years ago I was a complete mess and every day it was a constant battle of how my insain butt was going to get off the stuff. I had access to whatever. I had oxys at my fingertips (80's) for a few bucks which sucked.

I agree that you need to get to an NA meeting so you can get some support. I feel like taking drugs right now too. It is a matter of making a decision and doing your best to stick to it. We as addicts tend to use because we are hurt, angry and we can make excuses for it all. We are experts at it. I have found that talking it out with fellow addicts is the best therapy there is. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you get to a meeting and talk out your issues, whatever they may be.......Kahlia

RELAX, slowwwww down stop the madness of this shame you feel. You need to understand that you are sick. Opiates are physically addicting, it hurts to quit, and the mental element is even worse. You know this, you also need to come to terms with the situation. But don't panic, getting off oxy is a "process" very few people can stop CT. I know, I tried, and there was just no way. So, I've taken a long route to sobriety, but like I said, its a process, the key is in designing a process for you that is tolerable and has a chance to work, given your unique circumstances. You know that you'll go broke buying this crap off the street, so thats the first thing you need to stop. Next, you need to get professional medical assistance to detox, from what I've read that may be the only option for you. A few days clean will do you good; give you time to get your head on straight, get your game face on, and get ready to go to war. You are fighting for your life, literally. The only success I've had so far was to go to a psychiatrist specializing in addiction. She first taperd me down off the percocets untill I was taking only 4 5/325 per day, not bad, but thats where I hit the wall, I couldn't maintain on any less. So at that point she put me on methadone and it worked, it kept me from craving the percocet, she wanted to get me on suboxone but the VA pharmacy didn't have it in their formulary. So while I was on methadone, about 50mg per day she fought, and fought, and fought to get the pharmacy to stock suboxone and she won! So, I've been on 24mg suboxone per day for about a month, and I didn't feel any effects of withdrawl from the methadone. I had just about 24 hours of discomfort as my body got used to the suboxone. I am now down to 20 mg of suboxone, and my slow taper continues. But, the key to staying clean is to have a support group to keep yourself from relapsing, you must hold yourself accountable at that point. NA is such a great way to do that. And I highly recommend that you start going to meetings now. And, you also need to tell your family, you need all of the emotional support you can get.

Sending you the power!

Stay in touch.

no need to beat yourself up the dope already has hit bottom and thereis only one way up .For us junkies there are three guarentees jails instittutions and death .hope you choose to live .jesus realy helped me and thats why im saying it to you. GOD BLESS keep coming back

hey everyone....wow, thanks for the responses. Lisa, I hear you. I do hating these friggin pillz, and I know what you mean, last year, when i kicked them, it was the hatred of them that lead me to it. But for some reason, its just not enough this time around. I didnt take the meth today, and yesterday was my first day, but i didnt do it today. I seem to have some problem with it, thinking that i will be on it forever. But, really , I am be on these pills forever, if i dont do something about it...Should I continue to take the meth, and get the dose uppped, and If i do, will it really make me feel like i dont really want the pils all that much....Because I am worried, that I will end up doing both and dying........I am really scared of myself, and what I am capable of at this point. I have recently proved to myself, that I cant be trusted, and I am willing to do almost anything to get these thing..........scary....I will keep everyone posted daily as to what i am doing...I have to fiqure something out...

Oxy, out.

Inpatient detox and perhaps inpatient rehabilitation. If you are this sure that you can't hack this on your own. You don't have a choice, unless perhaps you do get on a good maintenance program. Methadone worked for me fine, no cravings for opiates what so ever, and gave me a slight boost in energy, but NO BUZZ! Same with suboxone, but I don't really have an energy boost, or a buzz, no nothing, it just controls the cravings, and I have a clear head. I've just begun a slow taper off suboxone, because I figure the less time I'm on it the better. Have been taking it about a month at 24mg a day, got my first reduced dosage this week to 20mgs, and seem to be doing fine. Whatever you do, don't take methadone or suboxone and opiates together, thats playing with fire because the methadone/suboxone blocks the receptors in the brain that opiates occupy (because they are also opiates) and if you take percocet or oxycontin trying to get high, it won't work and you may be tempted to take a larger dose of oxy in order to acheive a high, the result could be an overdose. Whatever you decide, do it fast. Hopefully you are just feeling bad because you've hit the bottem and we ALL had to do that in order to make the decision to try and do something about it. Its part of the process, so don't sweat it too much. But you DO need some professional medical help, please get it.

ok. so i am thinking, that i should go back to the meth place, and get my dose tommorow, and continue on it. I just dont get this whole , stabalizing thing. when i get there, am i really going to feel ok. I just have a hard time feeling like, the meth, will reduce my cravings. I think i can go up to 40 mgs, on monday, but only if i take my dose tommorow................................ ..

I wish i didnt have this doubt about it, like its going to be bad for me or something. I guess, i am thinking that...ahhh, i dont know what i am thinking, today has been one of the lowest for me ever.ever.

thanks for all you help. i really appreciate it. I will continue with this meth. and i will try to get it working for me. I have made that decision at least.

Oxy out

Your addiction is making you second-guess the methadone....
Go TOMORROW and get your dose and get it upped on Monday to 40 mg....
Give it some time, i know it will work you just have to get stabile.
Forget about oxy and just concentrate on stabilizing on meth.
So what if you have to be on it for awhile or forever, it beats what you have been going thru with oxycontin....that drug is freakin evil, i know, i''ve been there and it is very rough. A good friend of mine, is heavily into oxy and has successfully kicked using methadone. he has almost a year in now....
And believe me he could take some CRAZY amounts, i wonder how or why he is still here sometimes. I would ask him, are you trying to commit suicide??? His tolerance was just threw the roof!
So there is hope in this situation. Stay on meth, give it a chance. Don't let oxy run your life any more. Take control of the situation, you are letting a stupid, mind-less pill control your every move, the meth. will free you of that insanity. Just be honest with yourself, and the meth clinic, i would tell my family too, once i stabilized. Don't knock the meeting thing, until you've tried a few. O.k......try to have a nice Easter tomorrow,and make sure you get your dose in tomorrow. A new beginning tomorrow, just give it a chance...
luv,
LISA

I say the same thing....at this point who cares if you have to be on it for a while. Give yourself a brake dude. Don't take your pills and let the methadone kick in. From a addicts stand point methadone is good stuff and you don't have to worry about it not working. It is strong. It will get you well and maybe a little high too. That is not the idea but it does and can. I think you need a break from all the craziness and need to go the methadone route. A month from now you will be on here saying you love your methadone and dont crave the pills anymore and your whole life is different.

hey jessy, i really hope your right, i really do. I have been flirting with it for about 2 months, taking it for one day, then going off, i have not given it a chace at all. The area where i am, they start you at 25. and then every 4 days you can go up, well, at 25, i am still really hurtin and it causes me to do other stuff, to compensate, and that scares me....

Are you on meth, and if so how much, and how long till it worked, and are you still on it...etc..etc...any advice on the meth, would be helpfull..

Oxy, Really, when you go to the Meth Clinic Tomorrow you need to tell them how bad that you feel on the dose that they have you on right now, explain to them how it just doesnt maintain you and that you find yourself in a bad situation because of it. I dont know what their rules are, I certainly wouldnt want you to get kicked out of the program, but if their rules arent real strict and you can be completely honest with them, YOU SHOULD! That way they will understand what you are going through and be able to better help you get through this.

Sure, Meth isnt always for everyone, but i would most definately say that with the severity of your habit you really need to give it a chance and get leveled out and feel better. Once you reach that point you will be able to think clearly and understand/know what your goals will be.

Please, keep the faith that you will get through this and all will work out for you. Dont be negative!!!!!! BE POSITIVE!!! You can do this and you CAN get your life back! I dont think (?) we have exchanged any posts on here, however, I have been following your story and i think of you often. I know EXACTLY how it feels to be where you are at right now. I am not to far from it at this time. Anyway, hang tough...... you can get through this.

Remember..... there really is no reason to be negative, your goal is to quit and no matter how you achieve it, whether it be C/T, Meth, Sub, etc.... there is NO WRONG WAY TO GO ABOUT IT !!!!

Hope you have a great day, ValleyGurl

Hey Oxy,
I don't have any personal experience with the methadone or the sub, all I know is pretty much what I've read on here, but I graduated SUMMA CUM LAUDE in opiates and just wanted to throw my two cents worth in. Sounds like to me you might be overthinking things and getting a little rattled...........keep things simple. Are you the one who was talking about the people who administer you the meth being so negative? If so we can probably rule out talking with anyone there that could explain it better, make you more comfortable about taking it and help you out with some of the doubts you are having. This is no small step you are taking and by some of the questions that you are asking it sounds like they didn't spend a whole lot of time explaining things to you. When you go on Monday try talking with them and tell them about your fears and doubts, the Dr should be able to make you more comfortable about taking the methadone. Heck, I'd be scared of it too.......and if you do happen to go to an AA/NA meeting maybe you could find someone who has traveled the methadone route and they would be more familiar with the what-too's and the wherefores of it.
Good luck and will be watching the board to see how things are going, and sending my thoughts and prayers.
Marilyn

>but I graduated SUMMA CUM LAUDE in opiates<

Wow...me too...we went to the same college...........lol
SS

Well, I have decided to give it one last shot at CT, i know that the meth will always be there, but, i feel like i need to keep trying the cold turkey, untill i feel its just not working. I did my last dose, a few hours ago, and the morning time should determine how i really feel. I finally got ahold of some valuim, and I got a whole bunch of it. If i need to , i will space myself right out on valuim, for the first day. I feel that if i can get thourgh a day, then i will sort of ok. you know what i mean.

Wish me luck. and thanks for you help.

Oxy

Oxy 1 Word

SUBOXONE Find a Doctor who can prescribe it, you'll be better in 20 minutes DO IT NOW!!!!!!!

I'm praying for you God Bless You

oxy
Hey, so they start you on 25. Like Valley said tell them the truth and just go up and up untill you feel satisfied. And when you are at the right dose you will know it and you will not want any other substance. I was on methadone two different times and am not now. I have been off everything for three years. The first time i was on methadone i went up to 70mg eventually through time. I was on like 50 or 60 and then went up. My methadone did not do much in the beginning but as they increased my dose it did more than the trick. I actually over medicated myself and loved every minute of it untill i realized i had gone too high to fuction properly during the day at work with out nodding out. Anyway I eventually got off of it after like 9 months and was not ready to quit so I just did dope. The next time i was on methadone i stabalized at 100mg and was fine untill i took a bunch of other stuff that messed up my dose and i had to increase to 200mg. I wound up on crack on top of the methadone and wound up in jail kicking cold turkey.