i am living in fear of my husband, no he has never hit me but he is known to have rather violent outbursts over the most minor things, mostly my 19 year old daughter. he calls her a "fat lazy slob, a user " and many other derogatory names, mind you he was 450+ # when i met him. he told me if she cannot change and do more work around this house in addition to going to school(now graduated) and working full time she has to get out. well last week her car broke down at work, she called home and asked him what she should do and he replied"what do you want me to do about it?" then 3 days later she got laid off from her job, has another job lined up starting next week but she had to leave the house last night and is now staying temporarily with my mother, who lives in elderly housing.there have been so many issues he has gotten ticked off at her for, mostly small things that normally wouldn't upset anybody. then he blows at me til i am a blubbering baby, apologizing for every littlt thing and for not raising her right. i started theray this week and if he doesn't start anger counseling i don't know if this marriage is going to work, there are 3 younger children here and i am frightened for them
all advice taken, thanks

If you don't care enough about yourself to leave immediately, then do it for your children. No mother should ever allow anyone to treat their children like dirt. I survived a 6 yr relationship with a boyfriend just like that. I was constantly walking on eggshells around him and everything was always my fault. I couldn't live with him and I couldn't live without him. Look up narcissistic personalties on the internet. A good website on this is angelfire.com. It says, bottomline, run away as fast as you can and don't look back. Good luck.

He was probably raised with an angry or absent parent. It is unexcusable though. He is an an adult. Kids don't need to live in fear/terror, neither do you. Verbal and mental issues are just as bad as physical and a child never forgets they may repress it but it will come back to haunt them -is that what you want for the babies you raised? That older child of yours is going to develop if not already an inferiority complex. I am sorry for you- you must feel trapped- just remember blood is thicker than water.

thanks for posting, his father was in the military, gone away for months at a time and according to my husband when his father was home he was abused both verbally and physically by him, he was called, an obese fat pig, among other things and now it seems he has turned that anger toward my oldest daughter. one day he wants a divorce because i have stabbed him in the back and betrayed him(how i did these things i have no clue)and then he wants to go to marriage counseling, but the conditions are that my daughter work full time, pay 100 dollars a week toward rent and car repairs from an old beat box he gave her for graduation but keeps breaking down, her real father paid child support until she graduated from high school and he said that 100 dollars a week nowhere near covered what she ate and used in household expenses, now this is my daughter, his stepdaughter, who he expects respect and thankfulness from, after being treated this way i don't blame her for hating him, she has no idea what she has ever done wrong, yes she should do chores around here and if i give her tasks they get done, he says he will go to mariage counseling but he told me he has no problems that warrant individual counseling. i am in individual counseling because i do not know how to handle this anymore, we fight all the time about the same things over and over, he said our marriage is breaking up because of my 19 year old who is leaving for college the end of september, please tell me if i sound crazy(i know i do)but i feel he is making me that way....

I am glad you are seeking outside help for your sanity- some people after awhile of being constantly antagonized will think they are to blame - and they are not. You can only change the way you react to him or feel towards his fierce words. Only he has the power to change himself and the way he treats others. hopefully you do get that counseling if you both want it. Just remember unprograming/conditioning or reprogramming someone is a long road.

I've been there not to your extent but I have learned to tune it all out because it is just a bunch of meaningless noise and I am not going to allow it eat me up cause if you do it will bring you down and destroy you.

Best Wishes for you and your family;D

thankyou so much for your kind words, i know in my heart that this man is not going to change and the only change i can make is within myself to be able to ignore his tauntings, i feel he is just hanging in and trying to stay cool because he knows if it comes to divorce i am getting a lawyer and he will be made to look bad before a judge and could lose his children. i am starting to believe he doesn't love me, cannot love because he has a disease that prevents him from loving, nobody that loves you treats you the way he has treated me, no matter what my daughter is or isn't, she is just the scapegoat, the excuse for him to lash out in this picture. so for the time being he has called a "truce" and doesn't want to fight anymore, but i do think he is just biding time, hoping i will lose my temper or do something to make myself look like a bad mother, it is a distressing way to live. my daughter is still looking for work and that is not helping the situation either because she is at the point she doesn;t give a flying fig what he says, thinks, or does, and she is not into the "lets do what i can to keep the peace" she hates him so much she doesn;t care what happens.myself on the other hand spend my life trying to keep the peace, make her do chores while she is not working, etc. he will come home and ask if she is working yet and i have to tell him she is still looking, one night he is going to come home and blow again, this house is in my name so i cannot and will not leave, i have a bunch of cats i will not leave either. UGH-what a predicament, enough of my rambling, thanks and hugs for your support

Sandra
Dear wake-up and smell the coffee, you said the words yourself IT'S YOUR HOUSE, so call the police and have a restraining order taken out they will come and escort him out then you will go b/4 a family judge in 2 weeks and he will make a decision what your husband can or cannot do, but take up for your children because when they are all gone you will be the one he hollars at and mentally abuses, and if you not there for them, they will not be there for you if the time arises. good luck change the locks set ur self free!!

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Malinda

Reply for Sandra421: I am so sorry to hear about your problem, I kinda went threw what you are now. Although it is with my second husband and he had problems way before we were married. He ended up in the hospital(mental ward) 4 times and had 5 yrs. of counsling before he finally knew HE had a problem. YES, he knows he needed help. He is BiPolar, depression, back problems, ect. It took ME having a anxiety attack and taken to the hospital for him to relize how bad it was. Even then, I had to get a PFA against him for a year(we never talked at all for a year) BUT NOW, (after he still went to counsling that year). We got back together (been 7 months now) You wouldn't believe the change, in both of us. If we made it a year apart, I think we can make it now together. Oh we know there will be bad days, but now we really think and lisson to the other before we yell and fight. IT WAS VERY HARD, but worth it. I hope deep down your husband knows there is a problem enough to get help. BUT he has to be the one to make up his mind and get help. That is the first step. Sometimes hitting rock bottom or separating makes people realize what they had, and will never want to lose it again.
There is more than just you and him involved, You sound like a very nice and caring woman, and I'm sure you worry about your daughter, please try to get help for everyone involved. There is help out there... IT IS WORTH IT....but don't wait until it is to late.
I hope everything works out for you and your family.
Think positive, and take the first step. Everyone has choices in life.Some maybe good, some maybe bad, but you never know until you try. GOOD LUCK!

thank you so much for your kind words, yes i am in therapy and even after a few sessions i feel stronger and know that he needs to confront his demons for our marriage to survive. he has a teenage son who is following in his fathers footsteps unfortunately you are right that there are so many other innocents involved here. his son would like to see us split up, so whenever he gets the chance to stir things up in the house he does, for instance telling my husband things my daughter does(in his eyes)hoping to cause an upset and hopefully divorce so he can have his father all to himself again. if my husband wants to leave me he is free to go, i am in therapy for myself, to make me better so i can deal emotionally with the roller coaster life i am living, i feel for anyone who has gone through this, it is now affecting my physical health but i will stay strong because i know if this marriage breaks up i can honestly feel that i did everything in my power to make it work, i cannot force him into therapy, he has to get there himself and if and when the next blowup occurs he can pack and leave because i refuse to let myself be reduced to the sniveling, blubbering, apologizing woman i was before.
i think he knows this too, as far as the son goes, i just keep my distance and stand up for what i know is the truth. hugs to you and i am very happy your marriage worked out, your husband must truly love you.