My husband definitely has an anger problem. I can usually deal with it, but he has always done something that I can't deal with. That is, things will be going along fine, we haven't had any fights or disagreements, then all of a sudden, he calls me in to talk and he's LIVID. it's over something I said years and years ago. we've been married 24 years and he still holds resentment for something I might have said regarding doing laundry or odd jobs around the house. I've been to a psyciatrist and she said to just leave the place where he is and let him stew all by himself. He still continues to come up with stuff that pissed him off years ago. I could understand if I'd been unfaithful, or if I'd done something horrible, like doing drugs or something. But I haven't . Any suggestions?

Your husband seems to have a problem with closure. If something is bothering him that much, he obviously has been stewing over it for quite a while.

I suggest that you facilitate a discussion with your husband. If you have regularly scheduled talks, you can bring it up then, otherwise, set something up.

You can approach him (when he's not angry), and say something like:

"(Hubby), I sensed a lot of frustration last night when you were talking about ..."

(It's important to tell him that you understand his emotions -- sensed frustration. He'll open up more and be willing to talk.)

I agree that you should leave the house if things turn ugly. Otherwise, discuss the issue, and try to address the following (in a loving, caring voice - DO NOT SOUND LIKE JUDGE JUDY!):

Why did what I do make you so angry?
Is there more to this issue that you aren't telling me?
Since I can't change the past, what would you have me do the next time this situation arises?

When he answers, don't try to defend yourself with phrases like: I can't do that! or I never said..., etc. JUST LET HIM TALK. You may not be agreeable to his suggestions, but you can address that at the next discussion.

You can end the discussion like this:
"I now have a much better understanding of ... (the situation). I didn't realize that (such and such) bothered you so much. If it's ok, I'd like some time to think this over. Can we continue this conversation tomorrow night? (or when ever you're comfortable)" -- This allows him to blow off steam, and let some pressure off before you talk to address the issue. If he blows up at you, he probably has a lot of pent up frustration that comes out all at once.

Finally, you need to bring closure to the topic. Be sure to say that you cannot change the past, but will work on the future. Discuss the progress in future discussions. Agree that neither of you will bring up the past incident.


Try to schedule regular talks where you can both discuss things. Talk about how your relationship is going. Discuss what you are both willing and not willing to do.

Good Luck

j1m9 - GOOD ADVICE! I completely agree. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 6 years and if there's anything I've learned, it's not to waste time fighting over such trivial stuff. When you have an arguement, try to solve it and put it to rest immediately and understand why it happened so you can prevent it from happening again. Then you should agree to not bring it up again to hurt or score a "win" over the other person. We call them "Ace Cards" (hee hee!)

On the bright side though, 24 years! WOW! Congratulations! Good luck!

Thanks to both of you. Wonderful advice. I will surely try this.