Well no thanks to my Dad I've suffered from severe depression since I was 5 years old. He refuses to take any accountablity for his actions or words. He also blames me for feeling depressed and inferior. I am 20 years old and taking hold of this situation by going to therapy since I was 18 ON MY OWN. My own choice to seek help and behavior change etc. I know I am my own person and I am an adult who must learn to be happy and learn ways of dealing with anger. My dad was against therapy saying that it was me who needs to look inside myself and a therapist cannot do that. WELL later did I learn that I suffered from post traumatic depression and that I need to assistance in helping myself to LOVE myself because I was consumed with self hatred and loathing and intense bitterness.

YES I am so angry with my Dad because he has come up with every passive aggresive and hostile insult and used them on me since I was 5 years old. And he still does it till this day. He blows up with rage when I say anything that he may dislike also he blows up with rage when I use a tone of voice that he does not like. MANY people throughout my life have used rude tone of voices with me and I have yet to come up into their face and try to strike them or criticize them beyond belief. My dad LOVES to yell and grind his teeth and give the evil eye as if in utter complete disgust when I talk about my goals or things I like or dislike. I used to feel like he wanted to demolish me as entire person NOW I know that he probably hates himself and is envious of me and I CANNOT do anything but try to raise my own self esteem and confidence and move on with life and try to befriend people who have empathy and give support.
I was one of those good kids that wanted nothing by my Dad's affection and approval. I never missed school, I rarely ever disobeyed and I always wanted harmony within my family. In fact I GO to church and enourgage others to go and have faith in christ and to pray.
My Dad looks at me in complete disgust when I talk about the love of Christ and he told me that I would be a sexual pervert if I kept watching the christian channel.
Yes I have a lot of sadnes and abdonment pains. I also need to deal with anger because recently him and I got in a shouting arugment and I used a lot of cuss words at him and I felt so good. But he was coming at me ready to attack and I HAD to use some sort of defense.

Well I hope some people can help me out here.

[This message has been edited by wannabehotguy (edited 08-08-2003).]

my heart goes out to you, your dad sounds just like my husband, who is verbally abusive and as nasty and cruel as a human can be. please know it is NOT you, he needs help as does my husband and until they realize that there is nothing you can do but make yourself strong and well.
my husband hates my 19 year old daughter, and is very good at handing out abuse and blame when he needs to be looking inside himself but until he hits rock bottom, and I may or may not be here for that, he will continue to be the abusive, hateful man he is now. Be strong and know others are in the same boat, you have not had an easy life, having to deal with this since you were a small child, but you can overcome and be a healthy strong adult. use your support systems, whether it be peers, medical people, church, whatever helps you feel unburdened, you will make it through.
hugs

I'm really having trouble managing my anger after reading the two above posts. You have both been through hell, and yet your humanity and goodness comes through loudly and clearly.

I also had poor parenting and have spent many years trying to recover from it. I eventually broke off all communication from my mother for years. We reconciled, but she could not change. We had a limited relationship, after all, how could it not be, for several years and my main goal was to make sure that when she dies die, did I/have I done the right thing: did I keep my honor; did I give her every opportunity; did I do what my father would have wanted. The answer to all of this is yes, so I am peaceful now. She as full-blown Ahlzeimer's and while she is still alive, she has totally withdrawn to some other planet and recognizes no one.

It was very therapeutic for me to break with her. I'm not saying that you two should break with your father and your husband, respectively, but it worked for me.

A parent who abuses you is hard to take, but a husband was a relationship of choice. If he is physical, I would say leave him immediately even though I do not walk in your shoes or know your situation but I know that you both can make a lives where you will be happier than you are now. It may take time, but I know you can make it happen. If this means cutting off these people, do it.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Mary

Thankfully I moved out of the house a year and a half ago. Ever since I was a child he would come home from work and want to do nothing with me, having nothing to do with me at all. He was obsessed with the television and would grind his teeth and snarl at me if I said anything or if I wanted to hug or be with my Dad. Well after many years he is still the same way. Comes home from work sit infront of the TV, then gets up badgers me about my grades and homework, then we eat together, he spends my time trying to eat in peace sitting as if he is a greek god lecturing me about aspect of my life, from school, to making friends, to handeling conflict, and ALL his information is hostile and agressive and full of anger, then he leaves to work out, and then comes back and basically that is how it has been since I was 5 years old, just throw in a lot of huge arguments, with a lot of cussing and some physical abuse on his part. Yes I cuss at him because the rage of being neglected and abused was unbearable and I have so much rage and anger but I am working on that. I know cussing out at people when angry is NOT the best way to handel conflict.

I moved out of the house and visit him and my mom twice a week until the other day he exploded with rage during a conversation, (He hated my tone of voice) and was coming at me like a freight train ready to attack or spit at me or who knows what. I've never seen anybody in my life lacking in so much self respect, self control and full of hatred towards his family. Attempting to Demolish all of my self respect and assertion because he feels empowered to do so, and a sense of grandiosity, WHICH in turn he behaves that way because he really feels hateful at himself and feels so out of control for who knows what reasons.

He has constantly reminded me that their is no book on how to parent and that I need to lay off him and start to accept him. He has labeled me as stubborn and thick headed and that I think all wrong and I filled with doom and gloom and bring it into his house.

Well I've been out of his house for like I said over a year and still when I come over he is the same grouchy man snarling and attempting to micro manage everything in his path.

I know for a fact I have nothing to do with his rage problem and lack of control. What I am most shocked at is his total lack of empathy, no once has he expressed joy for me being joyful, no once did he understand how difficult a class was and how I studied 4 hours almost every night to do well. Only shame and belitteling spew out of his twisted snarling mouth.

Hey wannabehotguy,

I can relate to your situation. I am 21 & my father is bi-polar, he has exreme mood swings all the time. It's strange b/c he & I always got along so well when I was young (I am 1 out of 6 children - 3 girls, 3 boys - & the youngest girl) but when I was early into my teens he started in on me bad. He would get mad at the littlest things & start screaming & yelling at me. He thought that I was into smoking, drinking, drugs & all that stuff (which I was not at all!) & thought that I was out of control. When I was 16, he made me see a few different shrinks b/c he thought I was the one with the problem. He tried to convince me that I was bi-polar, too!!

The last straw happened the night before my sister's graduation party when I was 17... she & I were fighting over a sweater. She ran up to our room with me right behind her, she slammed the door shut so I started banging on it to let me in. All of a sudden, my father ran from his room across the hall, grabbed me by the neck & shoved me against the wall & started to lift me up! I didn't know what to do, I was scared that he was gonna choke me so I started screaming. Luckily, my sister came out of the room b/c she heard me screaming, saw what he was doing & started crying - that is when he let me go. But nothing was EVER said about it again, not by him (he has never appliogized to this day) or anyone in the family & I just had to go on as if nothing happened.

That was the last straw for me! There was no way that I was going to stay in the same house as him, so I moved into my b/f's house (we had been together since we were 16 & still are now http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif !). He was the one who was always there for me when times got bad. He saw a lot of the f**ked up stuff that I went thru with my dad & he was always there to help me thru!

My parents ended up getting a divorce & when he left the house, I moved back so I could help out my mom with my younger brothers (she worked nights so I would stay there with them at night). It worked out good tho, b/c I had my daughter when I was 18 so in turn, she helped me & my b/f out with that.

I don't talk to my father & haven't for a LONG time. I honestly don't know if I ever will or not, but don't plan on it & don't worry about it. He put a damper on my life for a long time & I don't need that. I especially don't want to worry about how the way he acts or whatever is going to affect my 23 month old daughter. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me (other than my wonderful b/f) & I am all set with his trying to ruin it for me!

I know what you mean about trying to seek his approval - I did that for a LONG time. I was so confused by the whole thing for a long time, I didn't understand why out of 6 children he felt the need to take all his anger out on me. What did I ever do that was so terrible to him that would make him feel that way towards me, his own daughter?? Well, now I know the answer is NOTHING, I didn't DO ANYTHING! It was HIM that had a chemical imbalance & it was HIS responsibility to see someone & find out what he could do to control it & his temper!

Sorry that I don't have much advice to give you, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone! If you are living on your own, why do put up with his s**t?? Why don't you try telling him that if he doesn't stop treating you this way & start showing you some respect that you don't have a need for him to be in your life, especially like this!! You are so much better than that & don't deserve to be treated in that way... you deserve respect!!

Good luck & if you ever need someone to talk to, I (& many others) are here! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Tetro,

Thanks for sharing your story. I can really see how difficult it was for you and how it still may be difficult.

I do stand up for myself every time my Dad lashes out at me. I tell him that I need the respect and I don't appreciate the yelling, and the snarling and the hatred. And that I want harmony and peace within the family. And his excuse for everything that I said is "you are selfish and self centered, that is your d**n problem. Your spoiled that is it, your too spoiled".

I don't think I will ever visit him again. He has some very deep issues that he doesn't ever talk about. But it shows up in his really evil looking eyes and facial expressions. I am thinking that he is delusional. He will never change his methods because he is prooven to me that his beliefs and ways are engraved in stone and will never change. Rigidity is a big indicator of mental illness.

"I don't think I will ever visit him again. He has some very deep issues that he doesn't ever talk about. But it shows up in his really evil looking eyes and facial expressions. I am thinking that he is delusional. He will never change his methods because he is prooven to me that his beliefs and ways are engraved in stone and will never change. Rigidity is a big indicator of mental illness."

Wow, sounds like I could have written that! I know exactly what you mean, my father is the same way. I just don't get it... & I know that I never will. It wasn't enough for me to try my hardest, even after all I had been thru with him!

After I had my daughter, I actually tried to have a relationship with him - well, I was sort of forced to in a way. Basically, none of the family that I have on his side was really talking to me b/c I was living with my mom & not really talking to him & they blamed the whole thing on her(when my parents split up & then divorced it was a HUGE ordeal in the family!!). The biggest problem is that while growing up, they were all we had (& there was a lot of family on that side) we never really talked to or saw anyone from my mom's side of the family except her mom. I know how screwed up that is now, but that just goes to show you how much control my father had over the situation... & still kinda does.

Anyway, so I started a 'relationship' with him again, but wasn't really happy about it. I never felt comfortable being around him after that whole neck thing! But I would just end up sitting there listening to him bad mouth my mother & tell me all this s**t about her, I didn't want that & I would tell him not to talk about it with me. He would stop, but then without even realizing it would go on about it again!

Then, a little over a year ago when the divorce went thru, they found out they would have to sell the house & split the profit - on the day they were supposed to go sign the papers he threatened not to go & that would have meant that my mom would have lost the house we live in now! I called him right up & told him that if he did anything to screw this up & leave us without a house he would never see me or my daughter again. Well, not to my surprise he didn't show up! We got lucky & they were able to re-schedule at the LAST minute... needless to say that is that last time I have seen or talked to him (other than to answer the phone & hand it right over to my brothers or if they are not here I just say "they aren't home" & hang up).

The worst part is that in the past year & few months I haven't spoken to anyone in my family, my oldest sister & her husband used to live down the street in the same town as me... they up & moved without so much as a call to just let me know! My grandmother (father's mom) won't call b/c she is afraid my mother will answer the phone. My uncle (& Godfather) whom I used to be so closed with never talks to me anymore. It's pathetic & all over something that I should have never had anything to do with in the first place! I was a child that got stuck in the middle of a nasty divorce... how fair is that? But you know what I say?? Their loss, not mine! I guess I know who the mature one was in the situation & it certainly wasn't anyone who SHOULD have been.

So yes, it has been a difficult time for me, but I am glad that I got thru it & I know that it only made me stronger!!

I am glad to hear that you stand up for yourself & no matter what he has to say about it you let him know how it is. He is the one that has something to deal with here, not you & you shouldn't have to suffer from it!!

[This message has been edited by TeTr0 (edited 08-18-2003).]

[This message has been edited by TeTr0 (edited 08-18-2003).]

"I don't think I will ever visit him again. He has some very deep issues that he doesn't ever talk about. But it shows up in his really evil looking eyes and facial expressions. I am thinking that he is delusional. He will never change his methods because he is prooven to me that his beliefs and ways are engraved in stone and will never change. Rigidity is a big indicator of mental illness."

Wow, sounds like I could have written that! I know exactly what you mean, my father is the same way. I just don't get it... & I know that I never will. It wasn't enough for me to try my hardest, even after all I had been thru with him!

After I had my daughter, I actually tied to have a relationship with him - well, I was sort of forced to in a way. Basically, none of the family that I have on his side was really talking to me b/c I was living with my mom & not really talking to him & they blamed the whole thing on her(when my parents split up & then divorced it was a HUGE ordeal in the family!!). The biggest problem is that while growing up, they were all we had (& there was a lot of family on that side) we never really talked to or saw anyone from my mom's side of the family except her mom. I know how screwed up that is now, but that just goes to show you how much control my father had over the situation... & still kida does.

Anyway, so I started a 'relationship' with him again, but wasn't really happy about it. I never felt comfortable being around him after that whole neck thing! But I would just end up sitting there listening to him bad mouth my mother & tell me all this s**t about her, I didn't want that & I would tell him not to talk about it with me. He would stop, but then without even realizing it would go on about it again!

Then, a little over a year ago when the divorce went thru, they found out they would have to sell the house & split the profit - on the day they were supposed to go sign the papers he threatened not to go & that would have meant that my mom would have lost the house we live in now! I called him right up & told him that if he did anything to screw this up & leave us without a house he would never see me or my daughter again. Well, not to my surprise he didn't show up! We got lucky & they were able to re-schedule at the LAST minute... needless to say that is that last time I have seen or talked to him (other than to answer the phone & hand it right over to my brothers or if they are not here I just say "they aren't home" & hang up).

The worst part is that in the past year & few months I haven't spoken to anyone in my family, my oldest sister & her husband used to live down the street in the same town as me... they up & moved without so much as a call to just let me know! My grandmother (father's mom) won't call b/c she is afraid my mother will answer the phone. My uncle (& Godfather) whom I used to be so closed with never talks to me anymore. It's pathetic & all over something that I should have never had anything to do with in the first place! I was a child that got stuck in the middle of a nasty divorce... how fair is that? But you know what I say?? Their loss, not mine! I guess I know who the mature one was in the situation & it certainly wasn't anyone who SHOULD have been.

So yes, it has been a difficult time for me, but I am glad that I got thru it & I know that it only made me stronger!!

I am glad to hear that you stand up for yourself & no matter what he has to say about it you let him know how it is. He is the one that has something to deal with here, not you & you shouldn't have to suffer from it!!

Oops! Sorry for the double post!!

~TeTr0

Wannabe... I am so sorry that you have this kind of story. My mother passed away many years ago (I was only 22), but because my dad was very immature, all of her estate was left to me. I handled the estate just as my mother had requested, which did indeed take care of my dad, nevertheless because he felt slighted, he was most angry. While we did work through this and had a decent relationship, for the next 16 years (until his death) any time he would get angry at me, he would bring up my mother's decision and it always caused an uproar.

The thing that kept me going all those years is the same thing I recommend to you. You said that you are a Christian and as such, you have the best Father that's ever been. When I finally realized that my dad was a caretaker that God had given me, I became less angry at him. I knew that all the things I had expected from my dad (love, attention, instruction) were mine for the taking from my Heavenly Father. I don't think I loved my dad any less, I just stopped expecting anything from him and looked at him in the light of someone who was given a job (by God) and had failed to perform adequately. Acknowledging his complete failure as a parent helped me to move on and to love him as just another human who had messed up beyond repair. Dad passed away 6 years ago and looking back, I have a great deal of sadness about the way he treated me, but I have a great deal of pride about the way I treated him.

I know it's hard to really believe that God is the answer to even the smallest of our problems and I know that some folks think it's sappy to offer God as a solution to a problem, but that's my advice. For whatever reason, He chose your dad as your caregiver and that alone should be enough to foster compassion for him. But if all else fails, remember your dad is just someone who has failed at the job he was given. I hope that in time, you won't repeat his mistakes!

Take care and know that you will be in my prayers.

[This message has been edited by Baboo (edited 08-19-2003).]

Baboo,

Those are some good suggestions. I do not condemn my Dad. I do see him as a child of God and imperfect person. I do have compassion for him, I have prayed for him and I've wanted to work on his issues and anger problems. And I still want to do so. But he is in such denial and it so rigid. He has exclaimed many times and shown in behavior that his beliefs and methods and attitudes will never ever change. I think a lot of his attitude, beliefs, and methods are so abusive, dysfunctional, and irrational. I understand he probably had a miserable childhood, and other problems but he refuses to want to discuss it in a calm fashion. He chooses to shout at me telling me "When I grew up it was worse I lived in a horrible neighborhood were there was violence, you have everything you want you have no reason at all to have anger or sadness". He has said those same words to me since I was 5 years old on up until recently. He refuses to get to the real issues he refuses to get help for whatever was so "HORRIBLE" about his neighborhood.

As a growing 20 year old man ( I am no psychologist) I cannot HELP him with his deep issues especially since he does want to change or look into it and he only wants to shame and bring others down. In a strong way he is bringing up all these issues into my life and into his present life, and making it obvious that he is a deeply troubled person yet he turns his back as soon as I or anybody wants to work with him, he lashes out, blames, and prepares for attack. I feel as if he is an anchor on me and wants to drag me to the bottom of the sea so that I can drown in chaos and misery with him. And since I moved out and sought therapy I have not often let that anchor get the best of me. I have chosen a life of christianity and of goodness, joy and acceptance and of change and progression. I really do want to see him get better and I want him to improve and be happy and let his real personality to come out. BUT he will not change unless God and Jesus or something knocks him in the soul and gives him a powerful message that he needs to work on his self issues now and forever.

You are right there... there is nothing you can do to change your father, HE has to want to do it for HIMSELF! He has to be the one to step up & do something about it & unfortunately it doesn't seem to me as if he is willing. Maybe someday he will realize what he is doing & do something about it. But right now, all you can do is what is right for YOU!

~TeTr0