Dear Friends, :wave:

Mom is coming back on Thursday and I am somewhat apprehensive about her adjustment, first to being 'home' again after 3 weeks, and then to moving to Bill's house in June. She told my sister that she is OK with going to Bill's house 'in a year' but not NOW. A year is far too late, I move out in mid June and she will have to leave.

Bill says he is worried about how to convince her it is a good move. He is great in his attempts, but Mom isn't buyig any of it. He told her that he will need her help around the house because Anna will be out of the house baby sitting. (In reality Mom is no help at all, but if she thinks she is helping, great. If she ever washes dishes, I have to redo them all, full of food stains ..and clothes she 'washes out' are still dirty.) He also says he wants her to teach his grandchildren - the first one comng in June - all the games she used to play with her grandchildren. Anything that will make her feel she is wanted, not being shunted off.

But I still think it is going to involve a lot of protests and tears and even screaming and anxiety. I dread it. Yet I hope he takes her about June 1, two weeks before I leave, so I can wind up cleaning out the apartment after she goes.

Mom usually adjusts well, and I often think if we present it as a long visit, 'until we work out some other way for you to stay in Astoria" that could work, after a month oftr two she may have forgotten this apartment.

Any ideas? deception is OK at this stage... The thing she hates to hear is 'you can't manage alone!' :nono:

Love,

Martha

Well Martha .. I can understand your apprehension ... quite well actually !!!

Her version of next year IS in a few months .. she won't remember .. so your pretty safe in that one .. just keep saying "it is next year" ...

Deception ~ Talk fast, talk excited, be animated, not cautious, make your body anguage look THRILLED ...... if it's a holiday, then it's a holiday ...

What a LUCKY girl she is .. having ANOTHER holiday!!! Wow .. she's SO lucky ....

hmmmmm............. *thinking cap on here*

Ok ...... try .......... Oh what a wonderful chance to have a holiday, I hope Bill doesn't need your help TOO much what with Anna working all the time ......

Something along those lines perhaps???

Hang in there ....... NO GUILT ... remember??? (yeah .. I know .. it's easier to say it than to feel it) ...... but ya gotta try Buddy !!!!!!!!!!

Hugs
Sally

If you tell your mom Bill and Anna really need help now, she'll feel better about the move. If you do it in a way that makes her feel like she's still useful, it'll be much easier.
I'm praying for you all.
Love, Barb

Hi Martha,

In talking about her impending move, what worked best with my mother was just stating facts. "Today, we're going to take you and your things home." No announcement ahead of the day, no debate about whose home or what home, nothing for her to disagree about. Sneaky, yes, but it's like dealing with a small child, you don't ASK if there is no choice.

Good luck when your mother comes home. It may well be several days or longer before she is is "at home". You may even need to stay home with her on Friday.

Hugs and high hopes! Barbara :)

I can't believe the 3 weeks are nearly over .... that went so fast! Now it will be back to square one for 10 weeks. I am not looking forward to it.

During these 3 weeks I got ONE e-mail (from my brother in law) and Bill got one phonecall ..otherwise they ignored all our emails (still not read, including my greetings to Mom from people who asked about her). Normally E picks up email at least once a week. My theory : she is in a state of exhaustion after daily hassles with Mom, questions repeated, answers garbled, nonsense conversations, etc ..too tired at the end of the day even to turn on her computer. Not to mention having to admit she was wrong ...

I must admit I'm quite scared about tomorrow: what will Mom be like after 3 weeks of being away ..how much further down that one way road is she now?

We'll know soon. It would have been better if they had kept in touch with me, but you can only change yourself, not other people ...

Love,

Martha

Be brave dear Martha .. be brave.

Mum may be somewhat disorientated. She may be deteriorated too ... be prepared for anything.

When my MIL went away last year to her brothers place, she came back distressed, angry and very deteriorated... be prepared .. it could be ugly, it could be good.

I agree.. it would have been much NICER if communication had been forthcoming .. apparently E is much like my BIL .. ignorance is bliss, but only for them.

We have alot of work ahead of us .. but it will happen. Read my new thread.

Hugs ... support and friendly smile

Sally

Thanks Sally, you're a brick!
M

Hi Martha,

Pie in the sky and too late to consider, but it probably would have been easier to have your mother return to your brother's home and never come back to the apartment at all. One adjustment instead of two for her. Peace for you. Early duty for Bill and Anna. You could have stayed with her at your brother's home when they're out of town at the end of April. Ah, well, some thoughts come too late, are impractical, or just wouldn't work anyway - and this thought may be all of the above!!

As the urologist said to the patient with the kidney stone, "This, too, shall pass." Don't you love medical humor?! Actually, it's amazing how quickly time has flown from Christmas to your Mother's trip, so the next several weeks may be equally quick. Hope so.

Remember the quote painted on all sorts of decorations in the 1970s.
Yard by yard, life is hard.
Inch by inch, it's a cinch!

That goes right along with shrea, shrea!!

Hugs - Barbara :)

Hello again .. last day of peace. Got email from brother in law in OHIO. A long one. I thought before reading: At last, someone out there will share with me their interpretation of Mom's condition, some hints, some suggestions ..

Not at all. He said, "we bought Mom a radio attachment so she can listen to it with ear phones, as loud as she wants and not keep on telling us her 'stories.'"

HELLOOOO?????

Mom can't turn on her radio here. She invariably pushes the wrong button and gets an AM rock station. Her classical station seems to be only findable by me. She does not play it loud! She is not deaf, just suffering from dementia. She cannot change stations, make it lower or louder, and this device will be just one more thing she can't handle. It will stay in the drawer.

On and on about the mechanics of this wonder device. Now she can listen to CD's. No kidding? But we don't have the type of radio with a CD player, nor has she ever wanted one, nor any CDs. Oh well, Jack is a retired engineer and that must be it: if there's a problem, solve it with some mechanical device.

I asked Bill to pleaaase take Mom maybe 2 weeks earlier than my leaving date; NO. Maybe a few days earlier, not 2 weeks. I see his point. He wants me to move out, then movers come here and take Mom's complete bedroom to their house, so when she moves in she has her own room. But if she's there a few days earlier, in 'their' guest room, and her room comes in a few days later, how is that different from 14 days??

I am apprehensive to crazy right now... Mom appears tomorrow, and.. will she even know how to buzz in the Aide who will ring the bell at 9 tomorrow? I can't take a day off..we have no substitute teacher at the moment ... what to do? Leave for school Friday and pray a lot?

M

Oh Martha .......

Stop counting your chickens before the eggs hatch ! LOL

Gee .. I thought I was the only one beating myself up around here .. *chuckle*


Wait until Mother get's home before you jump into battle stations .. she may be back on 'best behaviour' for a few days which will give you a bit of respite too ... that's what I noticed with MIL and her trip away last year. She was psychotic at her brothers place, but once we got her back home, she was lovely for a couple of days .. almost normal .. made us think .......... "oh she couldn't have been THAT bad down there" (see how easy it is to fall into their mindset? ) knowing full well what we had heard over the phone but being happy enough to put on the blinkers.

Shrea Shrea dear Martha .. Shrea Shrea

Hugs
Sally

Martha H---I totally agree with Barb H. sometimes you just have to say"this is what we are doing" I know soooo difficult, but I have been thru mothers in ALF's Grandmas in nursing homes and now my husband here with FTD, sometimes you just have to say enough is enough, I have done my job--no one can fault you for that babes--let someone else take it for a while

Hugs and wishes for the best to you, Linda

Thanks, I need this Board to keep my sanity!

I just spoke to Jenny, my daughter, who drove to Dayton last Sunday (Easter ) to see her Grandma once more. E and J didn't have room to put her up (only 4 bedrooms, 2 unoccupied, but, I digress) so she and the boys stayed in a motel.

I called specifically to find out what SHE thought of her Grandma, and how the situation in Dayton looked to her. Jenny's assessment: Grandma can't tell people apart. She continually told J's kids to ask Grandma and Grandpa something (but E and J are their great Aunt and Great Uncle.) She mixed up Jenny with another granddaughter, or with me! She tried to tell a joke but never got anywhere near the point, so that E wound up explaining it! E believes classical music will 'heal' Mom's dementia, thus the headphones .. we have to bombard her with music all day long to get her well. Jenny also said, E "presents" in a very optimistic way which seems fake. In reaity she may be hiding some realy serious fears. At least I shout mine out to whoever will listen!! (Thanks, girls!)

Personal hygiene: not good, according to J, but since E took her swimming every day with the inevitable shower afterwards, it was tolerable.

Mom seemed 'happy' and having a good time, while not very clear on how long she had been there or when she was going somewhere else. Oh Barbara, that would have been THE answer! having already forgotten this apartment and the routines here, right to Bill and Anna's ..but they are not ready. When he heard my school's paint problem would be solved, and school would not close, he was relieved. too soon. They have to psych themselves up for this drama. They know more than I do about it .. after her Mom's 14 year stay with them excluding only the last 16 months of her life.

Sally, you could be right and Mom will be on 'best behavior' with me..YAHOOO! I could live with that!!

Love

Martha

Well, it's a good thing your mom isn't going to live at E's house. It sounds to me like they're using music and the headphones not to tune out loud music-but to tune out your mom and her dementia. Now you know the truth about how your mom really is at E's house. You got the scoop from Jenny and the validation too.

Now, forget about them. Just keep your focus on Indiana. And don't worry too much about what might happen. There's nothing you can do about it until it happens IF it does happen.

I'll be thinking of you and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Love, Barb

Friends, hold your ears - it's venting time.

Got e-mail from Elsie even though she says she is 'too tired' to read what I wrote to her. She is so sad Mom has to leave tomorrow. (WHY does Mom have to leave?) it is such a joy to have her there. She is so 'scintillating." Such good company. Wonderful sense of humor. No sign at all of bizarre behavior. Yes, she forgets names. But that is all, Otherwise she is in great shape. No sign of dementia.

AAAARGRGRGRGRGRGHHHH...

I shot bak a message - probably never to be read - 'since you are so great at this caregiving, I really wish Mom could stay with you for ever!!' Why not???

She says Mom is sooo happy there, and hates being in NY, where her Aide cuts her meat for her. Where she is treated like a prisoner beng watched. Yes, she feels like an escaped prisoner ..now being sent back, and guess who is the warden????

I could and almost am SCREAMING!!

WHY ME? Again I am being accused of mismanaging her care and of exaggerating her condition ..

Give me a break! I am just as sad as Elsie is ..she hates to see Mom go, I hate to see her come back ..so why can't she stay there.

Martha, tired and sleepless and overwrought!!!

Hi Martha,

Has Elsie always been such a jerk?? Good grief. You're a much better person than she is and that's clear. I suggest you never open her emails again. She's not worth the bother or your time. Shame on Elsie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe she's sour because she's got a cow's name! :mad:

Meow...you can pour my saucer of milk now!!

Hugs and blessings, friend, Barbara :angel:

oooooohhhhhhhhhhhh Martha!

Read Illinois Darla's post and imagine the last sentence applies to Elsie (insert evil smile here)!!

Maybe we'll be sent to the principal's office!!

Hugs - Barbara :)

Just put her on my queue for people who need slapping around ........

Meow, purrrrrrr

Sally

Hooray! A good laugh! Maybe now I can sleep! I've been in bed twice so far with no results ..even a mild sleeping pill did not bring the desired rest ..and in 4 hours I have to get up.

Elsie is a retired professor of finance at a big Ohio Univeristy. Plays tennis and golf. Plays bridge. Lives in a world a few echelons above mine ..a church nursery school teacher. We fought like cats and dogs as kids but later (over a long distance) reconciled mainly through mail and occasional visits.

As I've mentioned before, she has Mom there for 1 week or 2 a year and always found that a great hassle. On one of my longer (eye operation) visits here, E said to me,'how can you stand being with Mom all day long? She keeps telling the same stories over and over again."

NOW, with Mom in dementia, she writes,"scintillating ... no sign at all of any bizarre behavior .. just mixes up names which she has been doing for 30 years ... all my friends say 'this is the woman who is supposedly demented' etc." BETWEEN the lines I am clearly reading "You made it all up, you don't appreciate her wonderful qualities, her sense of humor, you are the bad daughter and I am the good daughter." OHO! It's all about that, isn't it. I am the 5 year full time caregiver, she is the 21 day a year visiting, wining and dining daughter, so she has a lot to prove. In a couple of weeks she has to make sure Mom (and I) know how wonderful she is and how MY life style with her is so low-level ..no concerts, no outings (well,a walk to the cafe on the corner ... no car!) etc. " I showed her a good time, and with ME she was NORMAL! YOU are such an awful caregiver that she gets bizarre just to escape." meanwhile they have her plugged into headphones and thus cut off from their conversations!!

I went back and 'unsent' my answer. She doesn't get an answer. This may well wind up separating us for life, meaning: I write 52 letters less, she writes one letter less.

Good night. nOW I will sleep, thanks fellow sufferers ... I feel better. Even if I dont sleep, it's only one night. I slept fine in Miami!

Martha

Martha ...........

You are SO frustrated with E's responses and obvious head in the sand thing (and don't I KNOW how you feel!!) ....... your screaming, very loudly, I can hear you here over the din of the kids!! (and 20,000+ miles is some distance lady! LOL)

Your 66 years old. Your supposed to be looking forward to retirement for heavens sake. How old is E? Oh that's right .. she's one of those 'beautiful' people ... the ones who have enough money to buy what's needed to make the problems go away ..

Am I right?

You put in 100% .. no .. 1120% and she puts in 10% and she thinks she's done her duty. It's so EASY when your handing the 'issue' back ....... it's so EASY to judge others ........ she's hypocrite and YOU know it.

Stop beating yourself up .. you have done YOUR BEST .. you have done MORE than anybody else in the family (Bar Bill .. but I have alarm bells ringing with him at the moment ... I hope they don't back out on you at the last minute, and I if not, I hope they don't change their mind in the next 6 months either)

Sleep my dear Martha, sleep the sleep of an HONEST woman .......... E's time will come .. somewhere, somehow, karma will bite her in the bum ...... LOL

Many Many hugs

Sally

Thanks Sally. I did finally sleep from 12:30 until 5. Got e-mail from Bill, and he said stop it already. It isn't a competition to see who is the best caregiver. It's all about making Mom's last years happier.

He is right. But YOU, way over there, understand my (hurt) feelings. I needed to hear "Wow, Mom really is very difficult now, thank you for caring for her so long!" But that is not coming.

I have moral support, from my 3 children, YOU on this board, and friends and colleagues, so I will just have to stop hoping to get any from Elsie.

The one sentence really got my goat: "During the 3 weeks there has been no bizarre behavior at all. It is all very confusing." I see this as "you are making up all that bizarre stuff!" but perhaps it isn't what she meant.

I am not going to correspond with her any more, unless she asks me a direct question.

Elsie is 67. She did not really have a charmed life. I am physically healthier. She has celiac disease (intolerance for gluten) and osteoporosis. But she is financially very well off indeed, has 3 nice grown up children and 2 grandchildren, is busy and active in her community, and her husband is still in love with her after over 45 years of marriage, so she did hit that jackpot (lol ..his NAME is also Jack!!)

Maybe I am jealous of that ..but I am more solid and more grounded in truth and reality, and I chose a low paid job out of genuine love for little children and a basic indifference to money ..my motto these last 5 years has been
"Enough is as good as a feast." It's an old Irish proverb, found in a book .. I am ethnically German. But my German statementn also applies "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger."


Love ..this is the day ...

Martha

Martha ...............


Martha, Martha, Martha .............

YOU are a lovely person ............YOU have a heart ................YOU are one of the good souls on this planet ..........YOU are not selfish ...........YOU care for others ...........YOU don't give a **** (I blanked it out myself) as long as others are safe, secure and happy.

YOU AND I (and yes, you .. the other reader) are the ones to WHO DO THE HARD YAKKA (aussie slang .. means we work harder) .......... WE are the ones who DON'T EXPECT THANKS ........ WE are the ones who GET THINGS DONE ..........

Others ....... they want the ticker tape parade .. they want the accolades ..they want recognition .. while WE KEEP KEEPING ON ........

Your STRONGER than E ...... your BETTER than E ........ and .. yes, you and I (and our readers most likely) know .. WE KNOW THE TRUTH.

We can see BEHIND the facade AD gives it's patients ......... we KNOW the truth and the reality. We DO NOT have blinkers ...... we KNOW what is right and what is wrong .. and that in itself makes us stronger and our attackers weaker.

E is a selfish B**** (X'd out .. on purpose LOL) ........ she's silly, air headed and unrealistic ....... she's egotistical and not on our plain of existance. DO NOT waste ANY more time on her and her thoughts.

YOU know you've done your best. DO NOT let her think she's better than you by doubting yourself. WE know .. yes .. US .. we who go through your day each day ourselves, WE KNOW what you have put up with .......... Bugger (aussie slang) her and her input .. her voice is useless ...........

OH I WISH I LIVED CLOSER ..........we could all be SO good for us if we could meet for coffee ! (note: Wish I drank coffee ....... I drink Lemon Twist Tea .. *sigh*)

Martha ............ I have never met you ....... but you, Barb, BosBarb and our newst members have been my SISTERS since I joined .... YOU GUYS understand my crap, and in turn, I understand yours.

We are in this together.

so .....that being said ......... I love you ..... I adore you ...... I appreciate you .... I award you .....

Hugs ...........big sqeeeeeeeezy ones

Sally

Martha, I doooo so much relate to you. But, you have done your part, it is time for your other relatives to step up to the plate. Just the fact that you are a teacher proves you are a giving person. Let's face it we do not pay the caretakers of our children well----so you do it for the love not the pay.

And you took care of your mother for the same reason--pure love.

Please go on with your life---have some fun--you did your job for sure and now you should be reaping the rewards.

The only thing I wanted to mention is we do have "day-care" here in Florida--do you have such a thing?? Here you do have to drop them off at a senior center, but does give you peace of mind for the day while you are working?

Actually they will pick them up and drop them off? I know NYC is big but maybe such a thing? Might give you peace of mind the next 10 weeks?

My thoughts are with you, my husband has no relatives, no children no brothers and sisters, so I do know it is me alone, but he is very very sweet right now, so ok, just hope it stays that way.

Love and hugs, Linda

martha,
i know all about those hurt feelings from feeling unrecognized by family. am working on learning to give it to myself b/c i've always, on some level, believed that their lack of appreciation for who i am carried some sort of truth. but it doesn't. i agree wiht the others, it's hard and it's brave to be the strong one. you may be alone in your family, but you're not alone in the world. ((((hugs)))) your ability to fall asleep after 'unsending' your email lets you know that detaching from this interaction with E feels right. makes good sense, i'm sure you have no extra energy to spare.
good luck!!

Martha Martha Martha....I almost thought I'd have to pull a MISSY on you! lol I think I figured something out. Maybe not but it's worth a thought. Elsie (btw, if you get really mad at her, you can call her MOO MOO to us-we'll know who you're talking about lol) isn't really happy with herself. Sure, she has all the fine things and money and a marriage that's lasted a long time. But does she have what it really takes to be happy with herself? Sounds to me like she may be jealous of you. Think about that. Anyone who is truely happy with their life wouldn't feel the need to exaggerate the good which is what I suspect she's doing. She did it with your mom. I used to think Elsie had her head in the sand but now, I don't think so. I think she knows exactly what's going on. And I think she's not trying to put you down persay, but in a strange way, I think she's trying to make herself feel better. I know that sounds way off the wall and I am by no means trying to defend her actions. What she's doing is wrong, plain and simple.

And if she had such a great time with mom and hates for her to leave, why does she have to leave? Because Elsie truely loved seeing mom but she couldn't handle seeing the one she keeps denying, The Imposter. Remember. Seeing is believing.

You have so much going on now and so many worries. Please don't let what she says add to it. You don't have to prove anything to her. You're a great caregiver! And you're an even better daughter. You're there for her, no matter what. And when you're in Indiana and mom is at Bill's, you'll still be there through e-mails and phone calls and visits. You'll still be doing much more than Elsie. Because you want to and because you can.

Love, Barb

Hi Martha,

Thinking of you as you deal with whoever your mother is now. Hope she's a delightful guest for the next 10 weeks!

Wonder if a friend, anyone in your apartment building or someone nearby would come to the apartment for 3 hours each morning to keep your mother company and fix her breakfast?? Now that MooMoo and BIL agree that Mom cannot be left alone, they should agree that this added 3 hours of care on week-days is necessary for Mom's safety. You cannot leave for work any later and the aide cannot come any earlier. Ah, well, it's only until June. Hang in there!

My heritage is German, English, French, Scots, and Irish!!!! Cruitzberger, Hall, Wilkinson, Flournoy, Sheppard, and Peden.

Sending many (((((((((hugs))))))))))) - Barbara :)

I went to work this morning and cried on my colleague's shoulder .. not easy when I am 5'8" and she is 5'2" .. I told her my sister had written (direct quote) "Mom feels like aN ESCAPED prisoner here." I said, obviously, I am the jailer. Thought: is it more cruel to send a person to jail, or to have a person in your care who needs help, even if that person sees it as jail?

Okmi said, "even if your Mom ever did say such a thing, reporting it to you was PURE CRUELTY. There could be no reason to report that, unless your sister wanted to HURT you, badly." I agree.

Mom is back. All I hear is Elsie says ...and Elsie does ..and Elsie thinks ...it is as if she is quoting from a sacred text. Goody for Elsie.

I am - in the German expression - "sour!"

Love,

Martha

Martha, my mom was on dialysis for 8 years. My poor sister lived right around the corner from her in Michigan--I was in Florida so my sister got all the crap. I of course flew up about 4 times a year and to quote my sister when I was coming to visit "you would have thot Princess Di was arriving" It perplexed me for years why my mom was sooo cruel to my sister and yet thot I was the "good one" Fortunately my sis and I maintained a good relationship, mostly because I Knew what my sister was going thru and was grateful for what she did.

One day a social worker explained to us that all elderly treat the primary caregiver "rotten" They hate the fact that they have to depend on them and need them. They see them as their reason for losing their independence, whereas my visits gave her the oppoortunity to "do" for someone else, she would prepare meals for me and make sure I was comfortable while visiting.

Even tho your mother was visiting them I am sure she saw it as an opportunity to "spread her wings" for a while and stupid Moo Moo encourges her.

Bottom line---One thing I have learned for sure you do not need stupid negative people in your life. So forget E and remember what a good and loving person you are.

Thanks Siesta ..(Linda!) I will remember that. I've also heard it from others ..the primary care giver remnds the patient of her disability. At the other persons house she is still 'herself' not the handicapped person. Of course she resents the caregiver. It seems to 'go with the territory." But it makes our lives so much harder than they really need to be....

M

PS Yes there are adult day care centers in NY, one not far from here. But Mom has been an active member and volunteer at her senior center for over 25 years, and still enjoys going there. As long as an aide goes with her, and back, nothing goes wrong. Yes, I am sure she makes weird statements to people and mixes people and facts up, but she gets a decent meal there and enjoys it.

Got news from the Agency: her old Aide, Candy, took another assignment while Mom was away and is not coming back. A substitute will come tomorrow, and starting Monday a new regular person. Bill told Mom on the way from the airport. I mentioned it while he was still here and she looked surprised and shocked. Then I told her again just to make sure she lets the new person in. She may not be fully dressed to go out, but I said you have to let her in, you can finish getting ready then. At E's house they stay up much later and get up later. So Mom was put on a different schedule: to bed at midnight up at 8 or 9. HERE, she is ready to go out by 9, and normally gets up at 7 or 7:30. It takes her that long to get ready ..everything in slow motion. She began to unpack. E did not send back the rest of her pills. She sent all the vitamin tablets dumped into one plastic bag, mixed, No labels. She packed dirty clothes. No CD player with earphones.

Mom right now in the kitchen in the dark. Has she forgotten we have a pull-string to turn on ceiling lights here?

She unpacked her deoderant and put it in a new place in the bathroom, not where it always was.

She dozed off for awhile and stopped telling me things the Wise Woman said. Then "it is way too cold in Elsie's house" and "the repair people in the midwest don't know what they are doing." Very interesting. It won't take long before the whole episode is forgotten. Oh yes ..Mom also said "I am going back in JULY". (I think not. July 2006 maybe .. Elsie has now done her 'bit' - hervery LITTLE bit, for 2005 ...)

Martha

I get that every time dad comes home from Alabama. Robin this. Robin that. I just figure he was so exited about being there that he talked about it for months. And I'll bet that your mom may have just said something Elsie misunderstood and then exaggerated what she interpreted was said. That was wrong of her to say that. It was cruel of her. And if I were you, I'd take it with a grain of salt. Your mom has an illness and your sister, well, you'll probably never understand what's wrong with her. And it IS what's wrong with her, not you. If she's so miserable that she has to make others feel misterable, she has a lot of problems. You won't be able to fix them and you can't understand them. So to heck with them! I don't mean your mom, I mean Moo Moo.

I have a picture in my mind now of the cow (the one in Twister) flying through the air. Am I sick or WHAT??? :D

Love, Barb

Update: the first day with the substitute HHA went WELL! When I got home they were back from the center, and the aide was cleaning the kitchen, having just cleaned the bathroom! Mom's previous aide washed dises and took down garbage, but that was all. I am impressed. She also said she would do a little local shopping if we needed it. She will be here again Monday to Wednesday, but after that she didn't know what would be her assignment. I hope she stays, she's a gem! Mom said she also walks slowly enough and doesn't rush her to quickly cross a street before the light changes....

Mom happily watching her usual TV shows tonight. I noticed she's wearing new shoes. "Elsie didn't like my old ones ..but I saved them ..they are just right for a rainly day " ... (I do not see them in her suitcase.) The new ones are a bit heavy. Probably expensive!

Lots of things I haven't noticed or heard about yet! I know Mom doesnt know what the 'truth' is ..but obviously Elsie bought the new shoes. That's nice! She never did call to see if Mom got here safely....

Genug already!

Martha

I'm not going to say what I'm thinking of Elsie now. But it just seems so uncaring to not call and ask if your mom made it home ok.
Your mom sounds like she's adjusting now to being back home. And it's great that you have a helper who likes to clean. It's a huge help for you, I'm sure. Hopefully, you'll be able to keep her.

Love, Barb

Hi Martha,

Glad to hear your mom is settling in and is back in a nice routine. I second the hope you get to keep the aide who is really helpful. That's a boon to both you and your mother.

Considering how my mother was, I am amazed that your mother continues to do as well as she does. As for Elsie's lack of tack, compassion, interest, concern, or common courtesy, well, cows are challenged in showing those skills, I suppose!!

Good night, Sleep tight, Sweet dreams!! Hugs - Barbara :)

As for Elsie's lack of tack, compassion, interest, concern, or common courtesy, well, cows are challenged in showing those skills, I suppose!!

:D :D :D :D I'm laughing my big butt off!!!! :D :D :D :D

Hi everyone,

This morning I got a long email from my daughter who was in Dayton last weekend. Among other thngs she wrote that Mom almost took JACK's pills. She saw a prescription bottle on the table and began to open it. He saw it from across the room, and yelled NO, THOSE ARE MY PILLS! He takes a drug for heart trouble, and it could have been serious if she took it. She said "I saw the bottle here so I thought I was supposed to take one." Jenny writes, "this is very strange because during the whole visit Elsie has put Grandma's pills on a saucer for her , she never takes one out of a bottle." Yet Elsie wrote, "no bizarre behavior!" Jenny also wrote, Grandma could not follow a conversation, and at one point said "that's a shame' completely out of context and inappropriately, in Elsie's presence.

I wrote Elsie a real letter (not email, she doesn't pick those up.) I asked her why she felt it was necessary to tell me Mom feels like she is in prison. I asked her if she thinks I WANT to be Mom's jailer? I also asked her if , as she says, Mom is so much happier out in Ohio, why can't she go there to live with them? I wonder if any answer will ever come. If not I am ready to cut off communications, at least for a while. It is so obvious that E is not exaggerating but lying, or bending the truth. Jenny says lucid or scintilating Grandma was NOT! Example, after singing an old German folk song my mother started translating it for Jenny. Jenny said I understood it! What, you speak German? Yes, of course, I grew up in Germany and have a German high school diploma! She had forgotten that, or mixed Jenny up with someone else....

Scintillating converstaions!

Oh oh, I broke my promise not to dwell so much on Elsie ..well, after this ...

Love,

Martha

Hi Friends,

Sally I hope all is well down under!

Mom's substitute aide is now going to stay! We are all happy about that. Yesterday the nurse from the Agency that sends out the home health aides came for her monthly visit, at 8:30 AM (she called the night before.) Mom's BP is OK, and she said she was satisfied with the new Aide, "Esther." However, The nurse told me later on the phone that Mom had NOT TAKEN any of the 5 pills I laid out for her before leaving for school.

I hope she is not routinely forgetting them now. I suggested that when Esther arrives at 9 every day, she will have to make sure the pills are not still on the table.

But the time could come when Mom just throws them out instead of swallowing them. Before I began putting them out for her, when she was still taking the morning's supply out of a dated pill holder, she often left one in the box, one on the floor etc.

And she is supposed to take them with food, not a couple of hours later.

I am really looking forward to the time that Mom is at Bill and Anna's house and can eat breakfast and take her medicines in their presence.

By the way, buying a new house / selling their present house is going to take 3 to 6 months time. They will not be able to move her directly into the new home, but they will all move together when the time comes. In a way this is good since Mom is expecting to go to live in their present house which she knows well. Any further moves will be worked out by them, after I am off in the Midwest!

I got through the week .. 10 to go (I had mistakenly counted 10 from last week, but it was 11 ) ... weekend coming up. Weekends are the hardest, 24 hours of non stop Momcare.

Keep in touch!

Love,

Martha

Hi Martha,

It's good to hear that the aide is working out so well. The pill situation is a concern. Perhaps if you put the pills on a plate or in a bowl....?

Hope your mother will go to church Sunday AM to give you some peace. Can she now be told to get ready for church instead of being asked if she wants to go?

You and all have been in my thoughts, but we've had our older son and his almost fiance here fir the last week. It's a delight, but busy.

Sending hugs - Barbara :)

Martha, I am so happy the aide gets to stay! Mom must be very happy with her, eh?

Barbara, how nice you have company. How long will they be there?

Love, Barb

Weeeellll .. Mom WAS happy with her. But today I finally had a moment to speak to Esther alone. (I got here first and when they entered Mom went straight to the bathroom.) She said every day Mom gives her an argument about where to get off the bus. The first day Esther didn't realize Mom was not rational, and stayed on 2 stops further .. and they both had to walk 4 blocks extra to get home.

Today at the Center Mom took another lady's coat! When confronted she insisted it was hers. Esther, bless her heart, managed to convince Mom that she had worn her red jacket today, not the blue one ..and she accepted it. Esther seems to be able to be more authoritative than Candy was...anyhow, Mom was looking very 'sour' when they returned ..she probably thinks Esther made her get off the bus too soon and caused a longer walk!

I do already put the pills in a little tea-bag holder dish .. and usually Mom takes them. Esther now knows that she has to check every day.

Mom is going to church Sunday! The friend called Wednesday to ask how she is and why she hasn't been around. So I do get a couple of free hours. (if I time it right I can get to Central Park and buy my painting!!) Mom is still able to make that decision for herself and I want to preserve as much autonomy as I can. If she feels I am pushing her to go, she may stop altogether. Just last year she was going by herself, taking 2 buses each way.

I have belonged to a different denomination than Mom since my marriage hundreds of years ago, which is why we don't go together except on Easter and Mothers Day etc. I find her church cold and uncaring, but the woman who picks her up proves this is not true of everyone!

Well .. now the weekend to get through. Bill and Anna return at midnight Sunday night from New Orleans. They called, having a great time.

Love to all,
Martha

Hi Martha,

Joy! A free morning!! Hope your painting is there or there's one even more perfect and at a sale price!!!

Hang in there - soon it will be you calling Bill to say you're having a great time in the great midwest!!

Hugs - Barbara :wave:

I did all but get down on my knees and BEG Bill to take Mom 2 weeks before I leave, on about June 1. He said no.

Reason: they do not plan to have an AIDE in the house as long as they have not moved yet, and that move will now be around mid to late JULY. That means he will be the full time Mom sitter, and he needs time to pack for the move, etc, BEFORE Mom comes.

I asked him why not have an aide for the 4 or 6 weeks? No answer yet. If that is what is prolonging my stint and continuing to leave Mom alone for 3 hours a day, I say pay for the aide out of Mom's money for those weeks.. saving it for a possible future nursing home is silly ..she may never live that long. I hope he reconsiders. I would love to have her safely there and a couple of weeks to clean up here, before school ends and I GO.

Otherwise ..we are approaching the '9 weeks to go ' mark ...

Love,

Martha

Stick to your guns, Martha. Everyone knew WAY ahead of time when your move was coming. You need time to clean the appt and get things in order too. They are not the only ones that need that time. You're moving out of state and there is only you to do this. They are moving to Long Island, correct? And Bill has help. You don't. And you will have mom while you're getting ready for your move and working too. Bill can't take her early because he needs time to pack. So do you. If Bill won't hear of an aide 2 weeks early, maybe it's time to say "Sorry. But I made my plans clear long ago and I cannot change them now."

I know that sounds harsh but you gave them plenty of notice and they have made excuses that have caused you to put this off for too long now.

What is the date that you plan on being out of there?

Love, Barb

Hi Barb, My colleague at school had a great idea on this: ask ELSIE to take Mom to Ohio when she leaves after her class reunion sometime in June. And ask her to keep Mom there until Bill and Anna are all moved into the new house - then they can pick her up at the airport and take her to her/their new home.

I am not changing any plans, my flight is on the 16th of June at the crack of dawn. I was just hoping I could have a few days or a week or two alone here to get everything done. Now I will have to leave a lot for Bill to do! My own stuff is already under control; I only have a couple of suitcases to take with me.

I was planning to get Mom's stuff sorted out (what I didn't do in March due to illness) and throw out a lot of shabby towels, bed linens, etc. I can't very well do this under her nose. So if it doesn't work, Bill will have to.

Today, funny - after my long story about the podiatrist this AM - her Aide said to me "we walked to Dr L today." I said why, your next appt is on April 27th! I had made the mistake of telling Esther yesterday that she will have to make sure Mom gets there at 1 PM that day.

Well, with her strange memory Mom 'remembered' that Dr L was mentioned yesterday .. and insisted that they walk there TODAY. I don't know what time. The practice was closed. Back at home Esther found the note on the fridge with the correct appt. She will make sure Mom gets there and I will not mention it in Mom's pesence again.

I am not going to ask Elsie to take Mom, but will highly recommend it to BILL ... maybe HE can ask her and get a good result. Why not? It's her Mom too. I had her 5 years, Bill is taking over full time care for ???? months or years, and Elsie had her 2 weeks last July and 3 weeks this March. She could have her out there for the rest of June ( wish I knew the reunion date) and all of JULY, thus taking us up to Mom's actual move ..

If the reunion is AFTER I have gone to Indiana Mom will have to stay at Bill's house for awhile, and then go to Ohio - of course we can't predict how E will react.. probably have a list of reasons why this just cannot be done, as much as she loves Mom's compnay... Maybe she can have her just for a couple of weeks right at the time of moving??? That would help too. I imagine Mom will find it terribly confusing and stressful .. seeing all Bill's furniture being moved out? Her own stuff from the garage plus what they have put in her room, taken out? I would spare her that if only I could, but NOT by staying here in NY for any longer!!! Our lease ends June 30 anyhow!

Hope it all works out, somehow..

Love,
Martha

Sounds like a plan. It looks like you're keeping your expectations of Elsie low. Good job! Less disapointment.

Barb

Dear Friends and Fellow Sufferers!

I got the date of my reprieve! :bouncing: June 11, B will come and take Mom with a weekend suitcase to his house. He'll move the rest of her things within a week. I will then have that weekend and the next 3 days after school to do whatever can be done, and GO; my flight is June 16.

Graduation (this ceremony where 3 and 4 year olds get their certificates and diplomas is the highlight of any school year! :) ) is on June 14th, and June 15th is clean up day - we sterilize all the toys, put everything away for next year, and leave the 2 nursery rooms in sparkling condition for the next school year. In this case, I have to add "IF they can find another teacher who will do it for 13,000 a year ... before taxes."

Now the amazing part: B does not WANT to ask E to take Mom for mid June to mid July ; he SAYS HE WANTS MOM WITH HIM DURING THE MOVE BECAUSE HE WILL NEED HER HELP. HE ALSO SAYS HER DAYS ARE NUMBERED AND HE WANTS TO BE WITH HER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

My first reaction was massive guilt. I am trying to get rid of her as soon as possible, while other people love her company and even expect her to 'help' them... help? Mom threw out 8 open boxes of cereal this weekend ..and cannot tell me what hapened to them. At least I HOPE she threw them out, not stashed them in a drawer someplace ... :nono:

ANYHOW, I rejected my guilt feelings and decided "They will learn. They will undertstand. Very soon."

B had Mom there for a week at Christmas. Since then, only an occasional day or afternoon. HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW SHE REALLY IS.
Pretty soon, once I am settled, I will probably hear "actually we need to put her in a facility." And I will say "I told you so!"

Love,

Martha

BRAVO! BRAVO! Let the words roll right off your back. Good job! You didn't allow yourself to continue feeling guilty. You're not guilty. You just want a life. That's not too much to ask. You had your mother for five years. You've been a wonderful daughter. And you will continue to be. I pity Bill and Anna. They'll be the ones hearing your mom say "no no no, that's not how Martha does it." Your name is be thrown all over the place just like E's was. You'll be the wonderful daughter and Bill and Anna will be the "jailors".

That reminds me of when I was putting plastic on my dad's bedroom windows for the winter. The windows are bad in his room-really drafty. He got mad and told me "You're putting me in a jail cell!" and "You REALLY want to lock me up, don't you?". When I was done and he saw it was clear plastic, he was ok with it.

Anyway, what did you do with that new picture you bought? Do you have it packed away for the move?

Love, Barb

Yes, Barb, it's on the bottom of my hard suitcase ..ready to go!

A new plateau has been reached thanks to my wonderful brother Bill.

He took Mom out to Farmingdale today, just the two of them. He showed her the outside of the house, since they are not yet the official owners, showed her the nearby Bethpage State Park, and drove her to Jones Beach, also not far away. They had a late breakfast at a diner, then drove back to his present house, and later had supper with Anna also.

Mom came home and with Bill decribed the day: house, porch, park, beach. I said, 'Wow, it sounds like you are moving to Paradise!" and she said "Yes, it is Paradise!" This was such a brilliant idea on Bill's part. He is making the move sound like a wonderful adventure for all 3 of them and not at all mentioning any losses .. loss of her own space, most of her furniture, the daily routines of Senior Center /bus /exercise group, going to her own church, etc etc.

While they were away I went through her 2 dressers and threw out/gave away 5 more plastic bags full. I began the 'picture' clearout. Mom has saved pictures taken from a moving train (blur only), postcards from places none of us ever went, etc. I threw out the bad ones, and kept a couple of snapshots for myself, one of my sister and me playing with dolls at ages 4 and 5, and one of my Aunt Tillie who everyone says looked like me - in this picture she is about 30 ... she died quite demented at 89 ... she thought a younger man 'was in love with her' and bought him a car and put his name in her will ... but Fate had the last laugh. He died first!

Lots of love,

Martha

PS never know if LOL is lots of love or lots of laughs or what ?? Never did IMs or palm pilot or blackberries or whatever is 'in' now ...

LOL = Laughing out Loud

ROTFLMHO (and it's derivaties) = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Head Off

------- I can see I'll be in the same pickle as you Martha, as MIL has 4 drawers in the little bedroom FULL of old/new photo's and postcards, 18 Photo Albums, and in the Dining Room Buffet another 8 packets of photo's .. chock a block !!!

Blurry roses, distant sunsets (nothing remarkable), grass (that's a favourite LOL)

Ahhh the things we do ........ LOL

MIL going to hospital shortly .. will ransack kitchen

Hugs
Sally

Hi. I love 'rolling on the floor" ..when will I ever feel that happy again?

Here I have a week off. Esther is coming every day at 9, (which costs my sister and brother money they could save) so I can have the time to work on Mom's clothing, pictures, knick knacks --- perhaps also a little free time, and get her ready for the move. After this I won't have any free time unless Bill takes her to the country for Memorial Day weekend.

I should be jumping for joy, but feel more depressed than happy.

It is so strange that all this is coming to an end. Five years in New York! Yes, I rejoice at the idea of having my own place at last ; I am not sure whether my daughter can pick up the keys May 1, May 15 or June 1 ... and I will be free of the dementia care that is making me crazy.

But I also have bad feelings.

Elsie was actually the one who said I ought to leave and go to Indiana. This was last October. I remember her saying go over Thanksgiving; you can line up an apartment and move soon afterwards. Her solution for Mom: "we will pay for an aide to come in for 3 or 4 hours a day. The Aide can make sure she takes her pills. The aide can take her to the Senior Center or to the Pool, and then go hme and clean the house and do the wash, and pick Mom up again 3 hours later. Then Mom can just be alone for the rest of the day."

I was appalled at the idea and told them 'no way.' Mom needs someone around the clock, not a few hours a day! That's when Bill said she can come and live with us, but not yet. If you can hold out until June, we will take her then.

The whole idea on Elsie's part was that I was making Mom crazy! Getting me out of her life would make her normal again.

Now, when Mom expresses sadness at having to leave, I started using that. It's time Elsie gets her share of the blame. I told Mom, "Elsie said I ought to go to Indiana. She wanted me to move out last Thanksgiving already. She decided it was better for you if I leave."

It really makes no difference because Mom forgets it right away, but I feel better when I say it.

Now Mom seems pretty "OK" with the idea of moving to such a lovely area ... that's great! It is all going to work out.

Meanwhile, I'll stay here today until Mom gets up and has her coffee and oatmeal, then I'll go. "leaving a little late today, bye." She doesn't remember the details anyhow. I left a note for Esther with a new set of keys pinned on : "Did you take Mom's keys by mistake? We can't find them. If not, here is a spare set." Mom might think her keys have returned...

I'll get myself a leisurely breakfast and then go to the Post Office (opens at 8) and do other errands I need to do. I'll be back well after they leave.

Then I'll work on her pictures all day.

Love,
Martha

Martha,

you know .. BIL often says that WE are the stress on MIL ...

we know what he says is crap .. but it's his way of justifying his mothers deteriorating behaviour.

I haven't heard a PEEP out of him since we got home. He LIVES on his mobile phone, so there is NO reason for him NOT to have rung us.

Something stinks ......... but I havent' quite figured it out yet.

I AM NOT feeling GUILTY about having extended time away and dumping it on him. HE'S the one saying his Mother's behaviour is our fault, so .. away for a week .. I'm still wondering what weird things she did.

Speech is non existant ........ garbled junk with the odd recognisable word. We haven't been here, so how did we contribute to that eh?

I am SO SICK of RELATIVES who have a say who have NO IDEA what is happening on a day to day basis. I am SO SICK of RELATIVES who think they know better. I am SO SICK of RELATIVES who are judgemental.

I have had enough ..... you have had enough .... WE have had enough ...........

sitting here seething on your behalf ..... LOL

Hugs
Sally
(btw = by the way ..... imho - In my humble opinion ..... n1 = nice one ..... I spend too much time on the computer ... comes from being a Telex Operator many moons ago)

Sally .. we also have had little or no communication since Mom was with MOO and CO ... they feel guilty, that's my opinion. They KNOW what its like now, finally, and the very thought of pushing it all back onto your back makes your BIL feel so guilty that he can't face you, not even on the phone But he is even less willing to get up and arrange for permanent placement for the two of them.

I felt so awful when E first told me all that .. way back when we were thinking about hiring a HHA for Mom. she said, Great ..hire a HHA, and then you can go ..Mom is better off without you anyhow.

THIS WAS THE THANKS I GOT FOR 5 YEARS OF CARE.

At the time I thought, well, they don't KNOW. They last saw her in July. If they knew, they would be thanking me.

Well, now they do and they aren't!

Love,

Martha

PS still home, 7 AM, Mom eating. Now she won't burn anyting so I might as well go ..back in 2 hours when she's on her way to the center. I HOPE!

Hi Martha and Sally,

A pox on the ingrates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's you doing the "caring" that is making their lives so trouble-free. Fie on them and other similar antiquated English words long out of common use!!!!!!!!! Shame on them for being so selfish and childish to the detrement of other. :mad:

Martha, thank you for the time, effort, creativity, and love you've given to care for your mother. I cannot imagine how hard, sad, tiring, and frustrating that it's been. You've done well and it's time for your to have your life back. Thanks again. You're an :angel: !!! I appreciate all you've done.

Sally, thank you for the time, effort, creativity, and love you've given to care for your MIL and FIL. I cannot imagine how hard, sad, tiring, and frustrating that it's been. You've done well and it's time for your to have your life back. Thanks again. You're an :angel: !!! I appreciate all you've done.

Don't beat yourselves up, friends. It only hurts you more and won't change the toads a bit. Now copy and paste those little thank yous, print, and put them where you need to see them. Enjoy the view of the light at the end of the tunnel!

Put some great music on to play and dance through your days! Your bundle may dance, too. Maybe?!

Blessings and hugs - Barbara

p.s. - Martha, remember to write names, approx. dates, and location on the back of as many pictures as you can as you sort them. You'll be glad later!

Hugs - Barbara

Day II of Mom free daytime hours. Threw out old artificial Christmas tree. Hoped to find some very old ornaments I remember from childhood which I think were still on the tree the last time I saw it ..in 1999. Since I moved in here and we put one extra chair in the LR, there was no room for it. I got her a little table tree. BUT, none of the old ornaments were found, just things available in any store.

I threw out an old quilt, cleaned the house, sorted out a few pictures. Hand shredded some more of Mom's old paper files.

It is exhausting work. especially getting up on ladders to get things down that have been untouched for 5 years ... daunting. It's pretty much done now, though - no more 'high up things' left.

Some things I cannot bear to throw out and will leave here. My brother will decide after he moves Mom, which of the rest he will also take over to the new house. Example: her little tape player and many tapes of German folk music. Beer drinking songs, polkas. I snatched one for myself. Mom stopped listening to any of them many years ago and prefers radio or TV.

I now have to wrap things up because Mom and Esther can return any time from 12 to 3, usually around 2. Yesterday I was just done examining her bank records and had just shut that drawer when they appeared.

By the way, Esther DID take Mom's keys by accident, did not notice them in her pocket until MONDAY MORNING.

Back to work ..it's hard on the back.

Love,

Martha