does anyone have any advice for me in dealing with my inlaws that i completly hate?i have been with my husband for 14 years and cant remember a time that i didnt feel discusted to be around them and i dont see any improvement in the future,unless i get some advice.and i also really dislike my sister-in-law and her husband.if any one has any insight i can fill in the details....thanks

Why do you hate them so much? I mean.. is there a reason or do your personalities just kind of clash?

------------------
~*~ Kristy ~*~

our personalities do clash,but also thier extremly judgemental and critical of everything.they nit pick all the little issues and never ever acknowledge anything positive.and with my husband and his sister the parents always created compition between them(for attention,acceptance, money,love).i feel like we shouldnt need to work so hard to be considered worthy or good enough.

Youre right. You shouldnt have to work hard to feel accepted and loved by family. Im guessing your husband doesnt have the greatest relationship with them either? Listen, just dont let them get to you. Remember when you were a kid if someone said something to you and you told on them what would parents and teachers respond with? Well I dont know what they told you but their response to me was pretty much "ignore it" Sounds stupid and trivial but hey it works. If you have to try so hard to feel accepted around them then they obviously arent even worth the trouble. Just ignore their rude comments as much as you can. If they say something you dont like just dont respond to it at all. In your mind think of something humorous like a funny song, situation or joke. That should help take away some of the stress and anger of the situation. If they keep talking to you when you dont respond try changing the subject to something that wont cause any confrentation or you can even try giving a compliment. Kill them with kindness. The meaner and nastier they are to you the nicer you act towards them. Its not fair that they cant be nice back to you but obviously they have problems and you need to be the bigger person in the situation.

------------------
~*~ Kristy ~*~

I'm having the same problem, I can't stand my wife's mother. She ruined her own life, her husband left her (quietest man i've ever known). She consistently tries to manipulate my wife to promote her interests and her views on how we should, no, HAVE TO live.
It makes me angry each time my wife speaks to her on the phone.
I don't know what to do. I can't expect my wife to cut off ties with her family. I'm freaking out really hard.

For example she's pressuring us to have kids sooner. In order to do it she starts telling about other relatives that have 2+ kids in our age and how much fun their are having. She tell stories like "Oh, btw, i saw Sam's little son, he asked me where's my unt Diana, he's so pretty."
How's that supposed to make my wife feel when is spending each minute on education and work.
Any advice?


[This message has been edited by Totah (edited 09-26-2003).]

hey,maybe youe mother in law wants u to have a baby so she will have something to do since it seems like she is so caught up in your lives.which is selfish and if you and your wife arent ready, dont give in to her.my inlaws dont spend any time with my daughter but they do with their daughters kids.i can see now that its better that way because they are not nice people.that is the simple truth,but even though we have limited contact with them they always create compition between the grand kids and between my husband and his sister.i think that is a discusting and pety,and will only continue the problems in the family.well good luck to ya,how does your wife feel,sometimes people cant see the flaws in their parents

2manypills

My wife agrees with me when i explain everything logically. The problem is that the next time she speaks with her mother, she totally forgets it. It seems as if her mother hypnotizes her. Than my wife says something like "Oh, may be now she just said it without hiding something". That drives me nuts. If we would follow her advices we would have been living on the street by now.

well since your not on the street u and your wife must sence enough not to listen yo your inlaws.just keep it that way

That is the kind of thing that breaks families apart. Sibling rivalry. You’re falling into this trap. Break the cycle and don't play into it, or they will keep on doing whatever it is they do. They are getting attention from you-the things you want-that you are not getting. Turn the tables. Should not feel objectified. Gives me chills. You are not buying and not for sale. Nobody wants to do or say anything to "lose favor" and this would be one of those things.
They may never change. Your husband needs to be strong for you and take matters to task.

Two words-emotional detachment. Avoid fueling that fire and it will flicker black. Stop looking for parental approval. They will lose interest. Redirect energies. If people refuse to respect each other-don't get together. Draw a personal boundary line.

The less fuel in energy you give away the stronger you will be. Anything else will wear you down. The undercurrent of tensions sounds strong. It takes two to tango. Don't dance. Have expectations of those in your life. Be your own champion.
Take Care, G


Ps: If I am off base please accept my apologies and disregard.
Change directions. One day you may wake up and ask yourself where am I and how did I get here?

[QUOTE=Gemi]That is the kind of thing that breaks families apart. Sibling rivalry. You’re falling into this trap. Break the cycle and don't play into it, or they will keep on doing whatever it is they do. They are getting attention from you-the things you want-that you are not getting. Turn the tables. Should not feel objectified. Gives me chills. You are not buying and not for sale. Nobody wants to do or say anything to "lose favor" and this would be one of those things.
They may never change. Your husband needs to be strong for you and take matters to task.

Two words-emotional detachment. Avoid fueling that fire and it will flicker black. Stop looking for parental approval. They will lose interest. Redirect energies. If people refuse to respect each other-don't get together. Draw a personal boundary line.

The less fuel in energy you give away the stronger you will be. Anything else will wear you down. The undercurrent of tensions sounds strong. It takes two to tango. Don't dance. Have expectations of those in your life. Be your own champion.
Take Care, G G.. i appriciate the good advice,but of course its easier said than done,due to the fact that even if we dont see his parents for a few weeks,as soon as we do its all the same.i know that i am in control of how i feel about my family and myself and i shouldnt give anyone else the power to affect that,but these people are supposed to be role models and provide guidence and support to thier kid and grandkids,so when they dont its discouraging.and my husband has perfected the ability to tune out all the critisim,but i have a really hard time and so does my daughter.and shes who i am really worried for because shes just 12 and she cant understand why she is rejected and treated so differently than the other grandkids.her dad and i are very encuoraging of her and she is truly loved. i am doing the best i can ,thank you..chelsea

G.. i appriciate the good advice,but of course its easier said than done,due to the fact that even if we dont see his parents for a few weeks,as soon as we do its all the same.i know that i am in control of how i feel about my family and myself and i shouldnt give anyone else the power to affect that,but these people are supposed to be role models and provide guidence and support to thier kid and grandkids,so when they dont its discouraging.and my husband has perfected the ability to tune out all the critisim,but i have a really hard time and so does my daughter.and shes who i am really worried for because shes just 12 and she cant understand why she is rejected and treated so differently than the other grandkids.her dad and i are very encuoraging of her and she is truly loved. i am doing the best i can ,thank you..chelsea[/QUOTE]
Hi chelsea-
I'm really sorry to hear about that :( If her grandparents are rejecting her and treating her differently, it needs to be addressed some how to stop it. It's great that you two are encouraging her, that can offset it. Yes, it's easier said then done but don't give up. You are her role model. Your expectations of them perhaps are too high. I know what your gonna say! Your husbands ability to tune out sounds like it stems from experience. The bottom line is your kids come home with you not the inlaws. If things got out of control, I'd stay home with the kids and let dad go to the outlaws so he could ignore them lol. How are the grandparents rejecting your daughter? How are they treating her differently? Any chance this is a misunderstanding? What they do won't make your daughter less then who she is but If she's feeling that way (it's a tough age) it did, I'd put daughter first, protect her and deal with them. I understand a united front is necessary in dealings with inlaws. What are your husbands feelings about it? Can you two come to an understanding in how to deal with this? Him tuning it out is not helping your daughter feel secure and frustrates you. Oye-vey. Maybe I'm wrong but do hope things are better. Take Care, Gemi

well thanks for the concern,we have delt with the in-laws by aviodance,we havent visited for 5 weeks.my husband doesnt think its necessary for the grandparents to be involved in our daughters life..at least on a weekly or monthly basis.for examples of how she is treated differently..my daughter as played softball for 5 years,but whenever we have invited the grandparents to watch a game thier too busy with work or have plans.but they make time to watch my nephew play football,and then rave about him.my daughter is 12 and notices these things.it has made her jealous of her cousin,that he gets attention.i dont want her to feel she needs to compete for attention.i just dont like the effect this unhealthy relationship could have on her.i try to be supportive.thanks

Noticed this thread and don't know if you still read this, but anyway my two cents here.

I had problems with my inlaws and it sounds exactly like your probs. No matter how much I overcompensated to make up for their lack of everyhting it didn't replace for my kids that they were that way. The inlaws never earned my kids respect.

Now my kids are grown, father in law died a few years ago, mother inlaw died last year, and there is still the competition between her kids that were fostered so many years.

One kid at a time seemed to be favored, whoever was sucking up. I got out of that loop a long time ago. I realized there was way too much emotional fallout.

When the inlaws didn't have time for my kids, I told my kids there would be a time when the inlaws would wish they had taken the time to be with them, but then it would be too late.

My children however, still harbor resentment and always will, nothing can change that.
They do not associate with the the inlaws who act like they are better. At least I gave my kids the good foundation to realize their own self worth. I had a relative who always acted like she was better than everyone else and now all these years later, every one of her kids are criminals.

Hold up your head and realize you are the better person.

Just wait until your husband or wife wants to move the in-law you can't stand into your home. Where can one go to escape the insanity? Going home is out. :eek: