First I would like to say that I also think you have borderline personality disorder. I have been in counseling for 16 of my 24 years and I just recently found out about this disorder, I had been mistakenly diagnosed with bipolar. I would like you to know that this is the second time I am typing all of this since my computer lost my first submission, so I want you to know how important this is. First thing is that you are getting angry at all of the things people are posting b/c it is true, and you don't want to believe those things about yourself. Second, bpd is responsible for many actions including but not limited too agression, implusive spending, depression, inability to hold a job, and many other things. There are several wonderful books on this disorder. I feel the first thing you need to do is check your health insurance benefits. If you have insurance most plans cover therapy and inpatient hospitilization. If you don't have insurance check into and charity hospitals in your area most of the time they have a waiting list so get on it, and also most states have a program that includes free counseling and medication. I have personally checked myself into a hospital 3 times. I will tell you from expierience that the first few days will not be pleasant, but the next few days will be like a rebirth, especially since you really haven't been in long term therapy before. Most people with bpd don't feel sympathy for others, which inhibits their want to get help. If you truely are tired of feeling the way you do about yourself for the way you live your life, you will go to a hospital. It may seem embarrasing to go to an inpatient treatment, but think about how embarrasing it will be to have your husband leave you (which he will), you are unable to get a job b/c of your condition, and you are homeless and destitue. You also say that you can't control your actions. I understand how you feel, but that doesn't give you the right to not walk away. I know how that feeling feels, you feel like you are going to explode if you hold your pain in any longer, like you gave the example of your husband not hearing you when you asked for a drink, that reaction is also bpd in your heart you felt like he ignored you on purpose, that he was not listening to you to be spiteful and you felt horrible to be treated this way, you wanted to make him feel like you do at this moment, STOP go outside and kick a tree, throw a chair or a stick outside. Get an old piece of furniture and break it, do anything but hit your husband. You can control yourself, you just have to learn how to, and the first step is to go to the hospital. There is so much else to this disorder that I think if you buy a book on bpd you will be shock about how much it sounds like you. I wonder if you have ever heard the Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Please go get help, you can come up with a million exucses not to, and I can give you two million to go to the hospital. You do not have the right to abuse another human, or to blame your actions on other people, you are doing this to your husband, and you must take responsibity for your actions, you will never become a better person unless you do.
After you leave the hospital there are several exercises you can do, the first is meditating, writing in a journal, getting up and cleaning the house, you may not want to, but it will make you feel better. Find a hobby like sewing or gardening. The last thing that I would like to say is that you can qualify for disability, but you have to have been diagnosed for 2 years first, you really need to go get help and start the healing process, your husband is your support, and believe me after he is gone it will be much harder to get better alone....

very well said... VERY well said.

Couldn't have said it better myself! I hope she is listening.

.









.

.









.

OOOH I see so everyone else should walk on eggshells to not set off your temper, YOU aren't the problem, THEY are. HE should figure out how not to upset you when you say everything does.

He does enough Rita. He does everything and nopw you are asking him to have ESP and not have any personality of his own or any personal dignity. Its time for you to take a hard look at yourself drop the pathetic excuses and do something about it or don't' go whining when he leaves you or when people don't enjoy your presence.

You can't change other people... you can only change yourself.

You may not be crazy and we are not asking you to go to a psycho ward-- but you could have any number of mental conditions that could be treated.

But I get the impression you want to wallow in your anger and use it as a crutch to treat others like you want and get treated like a princess.

Gets old.

I tried to be understanding but i refuse to listen to this anymore.

.









.

Rita, I certainly didn't mean to imply that you should automatically know how to solve your problem. You are right I cannot imagine what that is like to HAVE that anger problem myself.Your description of the pot was very helpful.

Where I am coming form is that I have been around people who have anger problems and had to deal with trying to avoid their anger- in fact I lives with a girl like that. It stinks when no matter what you do it sets them off and your life sucks because you can't ever relax, its not a life. And its not fair to the other person to expect them to micromanage themselves to avoid a problem you need to take care of yourself. Even if they are not the problem they will start seeing themselves as the problem. Saying that he needs to do this and that and stay on edge because you just can't control yourself is not fair. If you ask for help (which you wanted to do or you would not have posted right?) someone who may have gone through it themselves could help. There are things you can do, there are medicines that can take the edge off, and there is no shame in taking them. Maybe there is a group where people have this tendency to boil over quickly and you can share ideas. It is just not fair to aks someone else to work hard to avoid ticking you off.... sooner of later he will. Sooner or late someone will, people can't avoid ticking you off forever, so its important to figure it out for yourself.

All I am saying is don't give up and assume that you can't do anything about it until you have actually tried everything past just waiting for others to watch out for you. YOu can :)

Inappropriate...ignore posts and posters you dislike.

I can understand a bit about the anger in the morning before you even get out of bed, alot of that has to do with your own self esteem or lack of it. I also know what it is like to be so angry that I lose control of my actions, tho I have always maintained the ability to stop short of hurting someone. Anger is hatred turned inward. It is easier to hurt someone else than it is to find the underlying reason behind your own hostilities. I've walked the walk so I can talk the talk. If you don't get counseling this hatred will seeth deeper and deeper and when the bottom falls out of the kettle you will lose yourself. Have you ever tried other means of dealing with the anger? Do you tend to be a controlling person? Reason I ask is because a person who feels like they are NOT in control tend to be angry people. If you live your life like "It's my way or the highway" the relationship will not last, he will soon take the highway. I never was physically abusive to my hubby but it was the seething anger I woke up with that was killing him. You can change it, I did, was not even close to being easy and it took a long time and it was worth every minute of it. Hubby stayed and it has been 20 yrs. I still wake up irritable at times but I also learned how to keep the water from boiling over.

reacting on the baords is inappropriate

Rita,

I just want to know what you plan to do? A lot of people have given you some good advice. Do you think you will try any of it?


Sarah

Yes Rita, please do tell what you plans are.

Rita, it is NOT okay to hurt people. I dont care how mad you are. Get help! You are not receptive to any suggestions offered here, and obviously dont want to change. You want to pretend like you are a victim. Well, you arent. If you are hurting others due to your anger, it is YOUR responsibility to do whatever is necessary to keep those around you safe. Your husband has the legal right to have you arrested for your behavior, did you know that? You should consider yourself fortunate that he hasn't called the police on you. I would advise your husband to leave. If you are suffering from that much rage, you have the potential to either seriously hurt him or KILL him! It sounds like the situation has become so explosive and unstable, that ANYTHING could happen. You are out of control. YOu owe it to those around you to seek help IMMEDIATELY!!!! I am deeply alarmed at your posts. I truly believe that your inability to accept responsibility for your behavior could have serious, if not devastating consequences. This is EXTREMELY SERIOUS. What you are doing is not only wrong, it is against the law. You are an abuser. You have the potential to kill someone. It happens more often than anyone would like to admit. Id hate to see you in the headlines someday. GET HELP!! If you have any love for your husband, change now. You are putting him in danger and he is the victim here, NOT YOU!

Hi Rita, :wave:

I am new to this board, but have been lurking for some time now. I want you to know that I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through! I too feel angry or irritable from the minute I get up, until I go to bed. The smallest thing can set me off, because I am always on edge and ready to explode.

In one of your prior posts, you gave an example how the smallest things can set you off and your example described me. The example that I am speaking of, was when you were helping your husband with the laundry and the clothes hangers got all tangled up. You said that something as trivial as that, really pissed you off. I thought I was the only one who felt like this.

Rita, I have to admit that I too, am guilty of hitting my husband. I am a very controlling person and things have got to be my way most of the time or I get mad. I know that I shouldn't be this way, nor should I do the things that I do, but I just can't help it or stop it. I have been trying to figure out why I feel like this, and I have come up with some things that I feel may be my problem.

I have been analyzing myself and my actions, and I believe that the feelings that I listed below, are the things that contribute to my anger and insecurities.

1. I feel as though I love my husband more then he could ever love me.
(This makes me feel very insecure, to the point that I hate myself because no one would ever want me, and that makes me very angry and hateful)
2. I have low self-esteem, and I am very insecure.
(I feel like my husband could have been with someone nicer and prettier then me, so I am constantly worrying that he will meet someone better).
3. Sometimes I feel my husband only stays with me out of fear or because he feels sorry for me.
(This makes me feel unloved and I resent myself for making him feel that way)
4. My husband will let me do whatever I want, such as, go to a night club or go away for the weekend or whatever I want to do.
(This makes me feel like he doesn't care for me and doesn't want to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with him, and that really pisses me off. I think that is a control issue with me because I can't make him change the way he feels)
5. I never want to go out and do things, because I don't want him to look at any other girls, and think how he got stuck with me, so we never do anything.
(This makes me angry because, I want to do things and go places, but I know we will fight because I will start accusing him of things)
6. I always think my husband is doing something wrong, the minute he walks out the door to go to work.
(This makes me so angry because I think of negative things all day, and then it builds up until the point that when he gets home, we argue and fight)
7. My husband NEVER worries about anything nor does he ever get mad.
(I don't know why this pisses me off, but it does)
8. My husband lacks common sense and is an air head most of the times.
(Don't know why, but this pisses me off because it puts a lot of pressure on me)

So as you can see, I have alot of issues, but I don't know what to do or how to change them! :confused:

My husband and I have been together for 17 years, and I don't know how much more he is going to take. I know that he has to be tired of all the fighting we do, because I know I am. I am also tired of feeling the way I do. I want to, and need to, get a hold of all this anger and rage that I feel inside, and learn how to get rid of it.

One thing I can honestly say is, the difference between you and I is, my husband does stand up for himself. He will tell me off in a heartbeat, and sometimes when I am really pissed and ready to hit him, he will urge me on by saying "come on B****, give me your best shot! For some reason, when we get into a huge aurgument, and I don't feel like fighting back (which isn't to often) that is when he will instigates me until I freak out. Sometimes when I do try to walk away, he chases after me, gets in my face and starts screaming. I have tried leaving the house on several occasions to calm down so I don't hit him, but he just takes my car keys, and when he does that, it pisses me off more and that is when we go at it.

All I know is that I am at the point that I feel really bad about the way I treat him because afterall, he is a very good husband and father. He does help me around the house, he cooks, cleans, he does laundry, and any other household chores that I need help with. He has always helped me with the kids, even when they were babies. He never had a problem with getting up in the middle of the night to feed the babies ao I could sleep. H ealso never had a problem changing their diapers.

So as you can see Rita, we do have a lot in common. I wish I had some advice for you, but I am also dealing with the same issues as you are. I would also like to add, that I don't think that you are crazy nor do I think a institution would help you in any way. If I thought being institutionalized would help me, I would have done it already. I did however take the first steps towards getting my anger under control, and that is by seeing a Psychiatrist on a weekly basis. I have been seeing him for a little over a month now, and I haven't noticed any changes in my behavior, but maybe I have to give it some time. I think one of my major problems is, I don't think anything or anyone can ever change the way I feel, nor get rid of all this anger that I have on a daily basis.

If anyone has any suggestions or opinions on my dilema, I am more then willing to give anything a try at this point.

Thanks for listening.
~Creeky

Rita, I have read your messages and the replies. I agree with everyone else. Whether you want to admit it or not - you NEED to get help. If you value your relationship with your husband then please get some help. He may be accommodating right now but don't expect him to hang around indefinitely if you continue this behaviour and especially if you expect HIM to take evasive action from you. YOU have to take responsiblity for YOUR behaviour not HIM. You have the power to make something happen by getting help.

I have some understanding of what you are talking about because I've been there too. I have huge cracks in the walls from slamming the door and I once belted my son when he was a baby and my husband had to pull me off him because I couldn't stop.

Someone mentioned anger with self, turned ******d - that is what it probably is. To have the thoughts you are having (irrational, dysfunctional thoughts) comes from low self-esteem and the negativity feeds on itself until one day you will just break and THEN you won't have a say about being hospitalised - they will just admit you without your consent.

Frustrated too

Creeky, it sounds like you have done a lot of self-discovery and you have a good understanding of why you get angry. The next step is to find someone who can help you to see things in a positive way. I can relate to a lot of what you have said because I used to think like that too.

My main concern if for the children - that they have to witness what occurs between you and your husband. These things go in cycles and if you have a daughter you are her role model and any sons have their father as their role model. Do you want to see them grow up to treat their spouses the same? If the answer is NO then please go get some help.

I have been doing personal development through classes, and private sessions (on occasions) for over 12 years now and I am a completely different person. My self-esteem is great and I no longer feel insecure and threatened when other women look at my husband. I don't get angry the way I used to and throw tantrums and completely lose control. I now have very good self-control and if I get angry I can express my anger in a positive way. Please for your sake, your husband's sake and especially the children's sake get some professional help as soon as possible.

You are already on your way simply by taking responsibility for your actions and working out what the negative thinking is. Keep a journal (if you arne't already) and write down what makes you angry - you will be surprised at what you find out about yourself.

Take care
frustrated too

Thank you Creeky ... finally someone who understands what it feels like

Hugs to you.

Hi Rita, :wave:

I am sorry that you are going through this because I know how you feel. If you are like me, I know that you have to be hurting inside. Sometimes I say to myself, "This is no way to live". I always think, if I left my husband I would be a better person and not have to go through all of this bull****, but I just can't let him go because I love him to much, and nobody else would love me or put up with me the way he does.

Rita, I want you to know that it took a lot of nerve for me to write my post, because some people can be very judgemental, but I had to let you know that you are not alone. I am sure people are going to look down on me now because of it, but it doesn't change what I am going through or my circumstances. This is how I see it, I just happen to fall in love with the one person that brings the worst of me out, but I love him to much to leave him. If he wants to stay and put up with me, thats his choice, because nobody is making him stay so he must be happy living this way.

Rita, sometimes we have the tendacy to blame everthing on ourselves because we know what we are doing is wrong. I am in no way saying that hitting our husbands is right, but did you ever think that he may push you or provoke you into doing it? In my situation, my husband will get in my face, which he knows I don't like, just to get some reaction from me. I swear he does the things that bother me the most just to piss me off. When I am full of rage, he will start laughing at me and start saying ignorant and degrading things until I hit him or throw something at him. For some reasons, he just knows how to push my buttons.

I think my major problem stems from depending on him to much! Before I met my husband, I was a very independant person who did everything for myself, and he took that all away from me. What I mean by this is, first of all, you have to understand how my husband is. My husband is very hyper, so he tries to keep himself very busy at all times. But my after having my second child, I had post partum blues big time, and couldn't function at all. My husband was always trying to help me out and would do anything and everything for me that I didn't feel like doing. My husband would do anything for me that I asked him to do, and since it kept him pretty busy, I took advantage of it not knowing that this would be a problem down the road. My husband would go to the store for me, run errands, help cook, clean, laundry and ect..... Well, I got so use to it and it became a routine. I expected him to do everything not knowing or realizing, that I was losing what little independance that I had left at the time. This went on for years until one day I said "enough"! I wanted to do all the things that I use to do, and get back into the groove of things. Then one day I went to the grocery store by myself, and as embarassing as it may seem, I was scared. I had not gone to a store by myself in years! I also tried going to go to the hairdressers' by myself, and let me tell you, it was very hard. My husband has driven me everywhere for years, so I wasn't use to being by myself. My husband and I are joined at the hip, so I don't go anywhere without him. He goes places without me, but I don't go anywhere without him! This is when I realized how much I need him, and I guess this is where are problems stem from. He is content with me being this way, but I'm not! He says it doesn't bother him that he carries most of the load, but I feel as though he is hurting me more then helping me. It really bothers me that I depend on some one this much, that it really scares me that I need him more then he needs me. I think he knows that he can do whatever he wants and say whatever he wants to, and I will put up with it because I depend on him so much, and that infuriates me and it makes me lash out on him!

I can only guess that all of my feelings of insecurity and being afraid of losing him, is because at this point in my life, I really do need him. I guess that I am guilty of trusting someone and thinking that they are looking out for best interest not knowing that this is a form of control on my husband parts.

Lately, I have been doing most of the chores, and that does make me feel better about myself. I do take little road trips to the store, but not that often. I have gone to the hairdressers twice now by myself, and my husband doesn't seem to happy with that. Maybe he likes that I am so dependent on him, who knows.

No matter we are going through, it still doesn't give us a right to hit our husbands, but where do you draw the line between physical abuse and mental abuse?

Rita, I am very embarressed that I shared my personal problems on this board for everyone to see it, because I can't imangine what people are thinking of me, so I am hoping that you could tell me what is REALLY going on with you and why you are so angry so I don't feel so alone.

Thanks for listening,
~Creeky

Your husband WILL leave you.
Get out of your fantasy land.
Read the book: I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.
Cheap book, but most of all YOU--need to read it.

RitaF, If you truly love your husband you'll get help. It's not called a phychward because you're crazy, that's an instition. It's called that because it deals with psychological issues. My friend's husband is bi-polar. He used to beat her. What you are doing to your husband is abuse and who's to say that one day you won't throw something at him that seriously injures him or kills him?
Then will you seek help. Don't let your anger make you lose someone you love and somone who cherishes you.
My friends husband got diagnosed and started meds about 3 years ago. He has told me that he feels more relaxed and things don't anger him the way they used to and the beatings stopped. He felt the same way about my friend that you do about your husband. He felt she should have known better or walked on egg-shells to keep from triggering him. That is not normal!!!
He didn't know how bad it was until he actually started his meds. It took a bit for him to see the difference. Now he has a better relationship with his wife and daughter and he actually looks forward to his days.
You do need to take responsibility for yourself. If you don't you will never gain any control over it and you'll find yourself in hot water soon enough. Should someone hear you during a fight and call the cops they will take you away just as fast as they take a man away.
I'm not saying to blame yourself for being bi-polar, but it's up to you to make sure it is treated. I read a site one day about rage and it talked about a man who dearly loved his wife and was a good person (as I'm sure you are) and one day he flew into such a rage that he killed her. Because he denied his rage problem and never sought help he is spending 18 yrs. behind bars and a lifetime of lonely and his wife no longer lives at all. Get the help you need before you are forced to it and suffer the consequences. It's not too late to stop, but there will come a time when it's just tooo late.

Hi, I read all of this and I have a different opinion. I think should ignor him for the most part for now. ONLY FOCUS ON YOU. Let the anger sit in the backseat while you drive forward. To hell with anyone else. Dream of where you want to be. Your mind can take you anywhere. You can close your eyes and take your mind where you want to go. Everytime you go somewhere (in your mind) anger will be left waaaay behind and love will be your destination. You will finally feel peace where you are. Open your eyes and pretend that you are still there (because you are). Try this until you are used to it and always be alone. Notice that you have so much love emanating all around you. See if you can go for a walk where you are surrounded by strangers only and see if you can carry it with you, notice their reactions and yours. Notice how you are aware of everything and yet nothing can bother you, far from it, everything feels beautiful including you. When you are ready let your husband see this part of you. When he does (he will see it in your eyes for sure) he will love you very deeply and you will love him. In his eyes your love will shine and never leave. That is what you must do.

Hi, I read all of this and I have a different opinion. I think should ignor him for the most part for now. ONLY FOCUS ON YOU. Let the anger sit in the backseat while you drive forward. To hell with anyone else. Dream of where you want to be. Your mind can take you anywhere. You can close your eyes and take your mind where you want to go. Everytime you go somewhere (in your mind) anger will be left waaaay behind and love will be your destination. You will finally feel peace where you are. Open your eyes and pretend that you are still there (because you are). Try this until you are used to it and always be alone. Notice that you have so much love emanating all around you. See if you can go for a walk where you are surrounded by strangers only and see if you can carry it with you, notice their reactions and yours. Notice how you are aware of everything and yet nothing can bother you, far from it, everything feels beautiful including you. When you are ready let your husband see this part of you. When he does (he will see it in your eyes for sure) he will love you very deeply and you will love him. In his eyes your love will shine and never leave. That is what you must do.

It sounds like you are trying to hypnotise her LOL. If you did read all of her posts you must know that she is beyond "going away to a destination in her mind".
:eek:

I don't think you are aware of the power one has in there mind. I have tried this before and it works. It's about getting to the root of who a person really is without anything in the way. It's who you were when you were just a baby/saint. Anyone who can post on here has the ability to do this. It's very natural and self theraputic to just empty your mind and return to your self. In my opinion she can do it and she must do it. I haven't seen any posts which have helped her and that is all I'm trying to do. What about you? :)

I don't think you are aware of the power one has in there mind. I have tried this before and it works. It's about getting to the root of who a person really is without anything in the way. It's who you were when you were just a baby/saint. Anyone who can post on here has the ability to do this. It's very natural and self theraputic to just empty your mind and return to your self. In my opinion she can do it and she must do it. I haven't seen any posts which have helped her and that is all I'm trying to do. What about you? :)
Actually I have seen many post to her that could have helped her but she refused any of the advise. I'm sorry but I still think that your advise will not help her as I believe she has a mental condition and "thinking her way out of it" in my opinion will not work in her case. Sure, your advise may help sombody that is mentally stable, but I dont believe Ms. Rita is. :rolleyes:
:wave:

1.Just because the advice given did not help her doesn't mean that she refused it.

2.She was aware that she had an anger problem by posting under Anger Management. Also, she was hoping for help for her problem by posting on an advice forum. Nobody forced her to do this which shows a certain level of mental stability and a wiilingness to change.

3.She is smart to first look for help anonymously since she may not get help otherwise. She doesn't want to be locked up, she wants to be helped. If I were in her situation I wouldn't know how to change on my own either, would you?

4.She hasn't even mentioned why she is so angry, which makes it very difficult to give her the advice she needs. I hope she does. If she is being attacked or feels that people are not listening to or understanding her she will not get anywhere and she will be less inclined to talk in a real way. By calling people names or putting people down how is that going to help?

5.I hope she can read this and know that someone doesn't think she is beyond hope. Why? Because if she is asking for help then she is far from beyond hope.

Tomsgirl- How can you be so certain that something won't help when she probably hasn't even read this?