i am married to the most negative person! i don't know what to do anymore , its to the point where i wonder what i am doing with him because i can't stand being around him at all, he is never violent but he gets so pissed at the smallest things, our tv remote has some issues and doesn't work sometimes you have to play around with it and just today he threw it on the ground twice,then after i fix it he wants it back,, he *****es and *****es constantly i have to tune him out i can walk out of the room and he will still be *****ing the other day he was telling ~*****ing~to me about something someone else did and his face was actually twitching!! it disgusts me so much , i am a very easy going person ,i try not to let things bother me and i think my husband is the only person that can get me mad, i have to constantly tell him that i am not the one who did it~~ (whatever he is telling me about) cause he starts yelling and stuff, he also doesn't take other peoples feelings into consideration when he is ranting and raving , then afterwards he will tell me how sorry he is, then he thinks everything is fine and dandy, it just makes me dislike him more and more.
i read another post where someone said their blood sugar was the cause of there anger,, how do you check for that? he wasn't always like this but the past few years i have just been biting my tongue and i keep telling myself to wait till the kids are out of school then i would leave him.
sorry this is so long , but does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with his anger? and i have to becareful what i say to him cause he takes everything so personal and he is aways on the defensive , i don't even bother argueing with him because he is always right no matter what and he would argue to the death if i carried on with him ,
i just wish i knew what to do

Oh yoga1, I'm so sorry. It sounds like my parents. My mother balanced that relationship as she was the exact opposite of my dad - so positive, always looking on the bright side of things, smiling even though underneath she actually walked on pins and needles wondering how he will react, how he'd get up in the morning, etc. Back in those days divorce hardly existed and women made the best of what they got until the kids were grown. Well, Dad passed away and she was in a sense relieved. She was able to live in peace and to this very day I've never seen her happier. Don't get me wrong - she loved him - but, she also feared and hated him. She tells me had it been this day and age she would have divorced him for a partner should bring out the best in you and shuold make you feel safe and happy and feel secure, well, most of the time, at least. I was married twice to men who would fly off the handle for anything, and being that I did too, it was a disaster! Doors were constantly slammed, didn't talk to each other for days, when I was in a good mood he wasn't, he never wanted to come to a compromise, we even saw a counselor and we worked on anger management and I worked on what was truly bothering me that made me angry. I made the effort - he didnt'. So he started drinking. Those were lost years of my life and I'm glad I chose not to have kids. (mommie dearest). maybe not. All I know is that I need someone to balance me, and I have it now (a lot of shopping around). He is very positive, tolerant and makes be be the same and I'm changing although I complain, but, it's usually in gest and I'm happier bellyaching at times, but, people know I playing around, too. Please find a counselor for both of you, or, another relationship, or, live alone for awhile. It is good therapy. I chose to live alone and my BF lives a few doors down and we get along great! Life is too short to spend it with an angry person, the world is in such an angry state as is. Take good care of yourself, for, no one else totally knows what's best for you - only you. Yoga is a great start. Bless you for being the way you are. The world needs more happy souls like you! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif, Anna

I survived a 6 yr relationship with a boyfriend just like that. I was constantly walking on eggshells around him and everything was always my fault. I couldn't live with him and I couldn't live without him. Look up narcissistic personalties on the internet. A good website on this is angelfire.com. It says, bottomline, run away as fast as you can and don't look back. Good luck.

Get him to excercise to lose that locked up volcanic adrenaline also folic acid because people who get all wound up cause themselves or have stress/ors which causes the homocystiene levels to go up which cause among many problems heart disease-folic acid a b-vitamin is essential to men and women. Have you tried massage therapy on him. Buy him a B-complex it helps if he is a beer drinker -beer zaps all the B's out of you. Good luck.

i was in a long term marriage for almost 20 yrs with someone just like you described...not even counseling helped...finally too late in the marriage to save it, he finally started anti depressive medicine. The main question is, how are you doing, and what is this type of situation doing to you? Good luck and remember it's not all about him http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

I am sorry to hear about your negative husband. One thing I could not stand was my negative Dad. Literally he was filled with doom and gloom. Every remark he made was "did you fail? Did you get beat up? Did the teacher suspend you?" He would always jump to the most drastic and negative conclusions and then when I'd get frustrated with his negative remarks he would blow up with rage and fury acting as if he was the dictator and he was going to hurt and demolish me, which he did many times.

I thought of suicide for many years when I lived with my Dad and mom. My mom is a relativly nice person and does want harmony and peace. I remember when my Dad blew up with rage when I didn't scrub his car correctly and I rolled my eyes at him. He blew up with rage and shoved me to the ground and started kicking me. Then he cussed me out and told me to get up and finish cleaning his car.

I had to live with his pathetic attitude and behavior for 18 years! I can only empathise , I too would like to know what to do around very negative people.

When I get around negative people at school or at work I tend to get very nervous and annoyed and frustrated beyond belief. Most likely because they remind me of how horrible my Dad was to me.

What was really annoying is that when I left his house. I signed up to see a therapist. And this pathetic therapist told me that I need to go thank my Dad for letting me live by myself and thank him for parenting me and doing everything for me. The therapist also told me passive aggresivly that I was not listening to him and that is why he repeats his doom and gloom statements over and over and that he probably is not being heard. WOW, I cannot believe a therapist would down play my feelings and work to maximize the important of an abusive idiot father.



[This message has been edited by wannabehotguy (edited 08-19-2003).]

My suggestion to you is to go to counseling with or w/o him IF you love him. If not, get out NOW and stop letting yourself be abused because that is exactly what you are doing. Do you think you deserve that? Is that how you want to live? I don't know your circumstances, but we never know about life. Why live it in misery? If he is an angry man, let him do it on his by himself. You do not have to be subjected to that crap. Are you a doormat? Think about it.

Counseling is the only answer -- no need to take abuse.

I had an abusive parent like many of the people who replied to your note so I know what you are going through. There is a great book on overcoming dysfunction in your life that I think would greatly benefit both of you that I would love to recommend to you but this is my very first post on these message boards and it sounds like they do not allow you to recommend books to others from reading the rules when I signed up, which seems kinda silly since these are support bb's? Perhaps you can reply to this with your email and I can send the name of the book to you privately if that is allowed? If you are interested.
Good luck, I think it is simply the improper processing of his thoughts that cause him to be the way he is and that's fixable :-)

------------------
Don't expect anyone to help you, if you won't help yourself!

How similar our situations are. I know how you feel for sure! It is so strange how they just become different in time. Less patient, less loving, irrational, and downright mean at times. Mine never hits either. Although, he grits his teeth, look like he wants to tear my head off, and acts like he's going to whack me in the face.

I hope trying to stick by him and offering him options for change, is worth it. If not, I hope I figure it out soon enough!

Keep your calm yoga1st! My thoughts are with you

armon

I am 33 and have been divorced from an angry
husband for 3 years now. He went to counseling.
I went to counseling. We went to counseling
together. He was still angry. I divorced him
finally after realizing he would not change,
at least not with me. I feel much more peace
and happiness since I did this. It can be lonely
at times, but I've made friends and more
connections with people than before, when
I was always worried about his next outburst.
If you try counseling and that doesn't work,
I guess you figure out what your breaking
point is, the point where you really can't
take anymore and go from there.

Originally posted by yoga1st:
he wasn't always like this but the past few years i have just been biting my tongue

How is your sex life? Guys who are low on testosterone get angry very easily and are often very irritable (the smallest stupid thing sets them off). If he is over 40 and your sex life is in the dog house, then it's a very real possiblity. A simple morning blood test can detect the problem.

In your heart if you can honestly say you do not love him anymore and know that thearpy would still not bring back the love then you need to get out.

You made the statement about waiting until the kids get out of school. I am a FIRM believer that should never be the deciding factor if you are unhappy. I think a lot of the times that excuse is used as a cop out. Not saying that is your case. Nothing is worse on children being brought up in an "angry" household.
I was, my father was the angry one, abusive among other things. He never had a nice thing to say about anyone! My mom was the passive one in our family but she never stood up to him. You don't think children at 5 & 6 years old would pick up on stuff like that but we do. After I got in junior high I asked Mom, "why don't you leave him, why do you stay?" Her excuse was because of you three kids, I'll never be able to take care of you own my own. B*llSh*T...She was just what I call one of those "weak women." It got to the point where we not only hated our dad but also BLAMED our mother for MAKING us stay in that horrible household.
My brother use to be so negative after he grew up and got out of our house. We could see the effective all that negativity had on him.

You wouldn't want your childred to grow up thinking that this is a "normal" way of married life..would you?

I hope you do what's right for you and your children.

I'm 23 years old and I have been fighting depression since I turned 15, and now I know why. My dad was exactly like all of that... only I was taught he was right, and learned that what I felt, what I thought, meant nothing.

I would come home crying -- even the other week I did, and he yelled at me for being upset. I can't believe how messed up growing up in that kind of house can make you. Both my sister and I are on anti-depressants. My mom has been trained so well that she doesn't even think his behavior is unacceptable. Blowing up because I did something wrong because I didn't hear him.

Well, I've had enough. I finally stood my ground and told him he was over-reacting, which as you can imagine make him much worse... it is really hard to describe what it is like, having to stick up for yourself, and having your parents hate, no, loathe you for it. I have not returned home for two days now, except to pick up homework things. It is so difficult, not being able to afford to move out.

I wish my mother could see the way he really is. She is old now, and very used to his world. Get out of it while you can, before you are too old, or too broken, to leave. Your kids will thank you. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

How to deal with HIS anger? What about yours? I have been where you are. I was married for 10 years to a man just like your husband! My ex was sooo negative and he was angry all the time. The least little things set him off and I never knew who, what or when the tornado would hit! I am very easygoing and patient and I took it for 11 years until I couldn't stand it any longer. He was the MOST selfish person on the face of this earth. It was ALL ABOUT HIM! Never about me or my feelings or my problems. I loved him so much, I took his crap. I honestly didn't think I could live without him. But one day (after I turned 41) I was thinking "is this how I want to live the rest of my life?" Life is too short to be unhappy and miserable. I'll never forget walking on eggshells ALL the time - I was a nervous wreck. I had a sleeping disorder the last 3 years we were married and miraculously, after I left him, it disappeared. Now, I sleep like a baby! Go figure. lol.

Something you need to know, however, is that verbal abuse will lead to physical abuse. I don't know which is worse. I've been on the receiving end of both and neither of them is a good thing. Do you want your children around this? I know how you must feel, but children are NOT always better off with both parents together. Another thing to consider is that some children will follow in the abusive parent's footsteps and will do the same thing to their wives (or husbands) and children. We must STOP the cycle of violence. It ain't easy, believe me. I didn't have a job or a dime when I left my ex. I didn't own a car, but the judge had given me use of HIS car until we went to trial. My ex told me we should put it in his name to build up his credit. Right. 3 months after I left him he had the car picked up by the bank and I couldn't do a da** thing about it because it was in his name! By then, I had a job, and had to borrow my girlfriend's car until I could get one. It took me a month to get a car. I was helpless for the first 6 months after I left him. I couldn't even decide something so simple such as where the heck to go out to eat because he made all the decisions for so long (and I allowed him to), that I didn't know what to do! I had lost myself. I didn't even know who I was any more.

What I'm trying to say is that this is NOT going to get better on its own. I know you think it will. I did. I kept thinking if I just did everything perfect, and tried harder that he would have nothing to b**** about. WRONG. There will always be something for him to blow up about. You see, you are not the problem, HE IS. And until he realizes that, things will never change. They will just get worse.

Please don't waste your life on this jerk. You seem like such a nice person. Men like that PREY on women. It's like they have a 6th sense about them. Start thinking about yourself and your children. One other thing: as often as you can, start saving money. Even if it's just a couple of dollars a week, do it and hide it.

No one can tell you what to do. You have to be the one to make that decision.

I'm sorry if I sound hateful (toward him), but the bad thing about living with an abuser is that it makes YOU angry, but you stuff all that anger down and don't deal with it. I am now dealing with it. Some days, I just want to hurt him so bad for wasting all those years on him, but then my sanity returns and I am so thankful that I am away from him NOW. My life has just begun.

Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.

C

Hi! I can't believe what I'm reading... It's like I'm reading about myself. Walking on egg shells, he blows up at me and the kids over NOTHING. He is SO mean and always angry. He says it's OUR fault! The kids want do what there told etc... I don't know what to do!! It's to the point that the first thing my son ask when I pick him up from school is~ "is dad home". He curses at us daily and he throws things and YELLS very loud at us. He doesn't care who hears him, I tell him that the 'neibors are going to hear him' and he says "I don't give a ----". We are a church going family and he has just gotten worse and worse over the last several yrs. I don't even like sitting w/him at church. It's like HOW can you cuss us out on the way to church and then sit there like nothing is wrong. I use to be a strong person. I feel SO weak now! I'm on med. for depression, though I'm not sure it works. He has only hurt me (with his hands) one time, that was 2 yrs. ago. It was very bad! He says it was an accident... he feel on me. He didn't mean to trample me and when he fell on me his head flung forward~ (didn't head but me) etc.... Well, I had a broken nose and my mouth was messed up on the inside and I had bruises from my toes to my nose. The hand prints on my arms were from him grabbing me as he was falling. Yeah, right! He turns EVERYTHING around! It really does make me question myself sometimes, like I'm the one going crazy. I will ask my 13 yr. old later to tell me as honest as possible "what just happend". I know it's not me...it's him~ but he is driving me crazy! I really feel like I'm loosing it sometimes. I didn't feel that way until he did that and then my grandmother died, I felt like I lost the only person in the world I could REALLY count own. Anyway, I've been getting better and I'm trying really hard to "find myself" and some how get help for my family. I do love him and I want him to get help! I've written heart felt letters, begged, I'm giving him a chance to get better. I've TAKEN him to doctors who have put him on med. and then he doesn't take it. I have 6 kids and I DO NOT have any where to go! My parents would never let me move-in even if they had the room. I don't want my kids living in a nasty shelter. He is aware that i don't know how much more I can take. Any advice would be great! By the way, I can't get free child care and I can't afford child care. I have NO training at all for a job, and I don't think I'm emotionally able to fuction at a job right now. Good luck to all in need, I'm right there w/you.

Do you have any family at all that you can lean on for help? That is so important when you are in a situation like this. My family lives 1500 miles away and I had no one (but a few friends) to lean on during my separation/divorce. It was very difficult. But it made me stronger. Of course, I didn't have 6 children either.

Are you committed to this marriage? The reason I ask is that IF you are not (and I am not encouraging you one way or the other), have you considered talking to an attorney or legal services in your area? If you hire an attorney, I can assure you that you will be given ample child support; alimony; a place to live; and a car. Judges do not look too kindly on men like this. I know what I'm talking about.

You mentioned that you did not want to take your children to some "nasty shelter". Have you been to one? I had to go to one years ago and it was not nasty at all. Any shelter is not going to be the same as home. It is a temporary place for you and your children to feel safe until you can get on your feet again. They will help you through every step of your journey through the legal system.

Only you know how much abuse you can take. ANY abuse is too much. The toll it takes on your psyche (as well as the children's) is unbelievable. Personally, I think the mental abuse was much worse than the physical abuse I endured. I felt like my spirit was broken. I wasn't sure I would ever get "me" back - the old spunk and sparkle. But I am getting it back every day.

Before I left my ex, I remember asking all my friends what to do. I couldn't decide. My mind was racing all the time - if I did this, this would happen; if I did that - that would happen. I now realize I was so mentally screwed up that I was unable to make ANY decision on my own - I had allowed him to make all the decisions for 10 years. I was like a child and he was the parent.

I am not going to lie - it was the toughest time of my life. I don't know how I kept my sanity. (and that is still questionable - lol). With all the crap that he pulled daily (and got away with) and stalking me (keying my brand new car; slashing all 4 tires 2 weeks later; calling me at my work; calling my friends; writing my cell phone number in the men's bathrooms of bars; etc.). I'm amazed I am still around. It's like it was a test to see who would break first. I stood my ground. I won.

I will tell you that it is worth it in the end. I am living again. No one will ever tell me what to do again. No one will ever make me feel scared like that again. No one will ever make me do anything I don't want to do again.

It is so peaceful to come home and not have to answer to anyone. If I want to go out with my girlfriends, I do. I can stay out all night if I want to. I can watch whatever I want to on TV. I can eat whatever I want to. I don't have to tiptoe around in the morning to get ready for work for fear I'm going to wake his sorry ass up and hear him barking at me to be quiet! I can talk on the phone to whomever I want to without him interrupting "who is that?" and "get off the phone". There are so many LITTLE things that I enjoy every single day now.

It is called FREEDOM. It's like I was in jail for 10 years and I got out. And I'm not going BACK!

Please think about this. I know you love him. It is hard to leave someone you love. But guess what? You must love yourself FIRST. If you do that, you will not live like this much longer. Good luck to you.

Hi! Thanks for the reply, don't know what to do! He has told me MORE than once that he'd take the kids if I left him. He says he KNOWS he can get them. Also, this is embarresing for me. I'm not sure why, I guess because I don't want them to realize we aren't 'the perfect' family he makes people think we are. Plus, and the biggest issue of all to me is that I DO NOT trust 'child protective' services. They would get involved and I don't want ever body in my buisness and messing w/my kids. I just do not trust them! I've heard SO many bad things!! I fell like I'm ---if I do and --- if I don't. Please help with more info if you can. Thanks


[This message has been edited by moderator2 (edited 10-31-2003).]

Hook your husband up with RitaF. Let them dook it out together !! And may the best "man" win !
:rolleyes:
:p

Hi, first when he is in a "sorry" state of mind, I would be prepared to say more than "it is ok" or whatever. You might consider really laying it out to him about how his behavior is so toxic to everyone around him. I would keep notes or a diary of exactly how you and the family feel when he is blowing up etc. In the times he is sorry, I would get those notes and share them with him. He may get over it, but it is abusive and has lasting effects on others. If he really cares, he should see his doctor and discuss getting a complete check up to see if he might benefit from an anti-depressant, or if he has some sort of chemical imbalance. Or if there is something else going on in his life you are unaware of that causes him to be an angry person, who vents that anger in the wrong ways. Did he grow up in a dysfuntional family? Verbally,physically, or emotionally abusive parent?
He may truly not be aware of how his behavior is affecting others. If he loves his family, he may get motivated to make changes.
If he is completely unwilling to do anything, then I would consider making a life change. I agree, it does not help the kids to "stay married" just for their sake. My husband did that in his first marriage and the three kids are suffering as adults because of the negative environment they endured. It is just easier sometimes to stay in the rut and have the courage to make a change.

I must disagree with the previous poster. The worst thing you can do when he is in his "tantrum" mode is tell him everything that you feel and that he needs help. First of all, most abusers do not think they are to blame - it's everyone else. Second, in my experience, you cannot reason with an abuser when he is in that state of mind. They are not reasonable people. The last time I tried to "reason" with my ex, he beat me up in a funeral home parking lot. That was the last straw. I never went back. I realized that he would always be right and I would always be wrong. Period. I was the one with the problem - not him. Getting them to go to counselling is a joke. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it is reality. Why should they attend counselling when it's not their fault? They do not think like normal, rational people. If you are fortunate enough to get him/her to counselling, then that is wonderful. But I think the majority of abusers do not see themselves as the problem. I don't know what the answer is other than when you have had enough, you will know. No one else can tell you what to do. You are a strong person and you can do this, if you choose to. I know how you feel and empathize (sp?) with you.

One of the reasons I married my husban 17 yrs ago was because he was a happy cheerful friendly guy. Now the pressures of finances (mortgage, debt etc) child raising, and my recurring depression and sciatica have turned him into a very negative person.

The home I grew up in was very low key. My parents didn't fight, at least not in front of us. It was a harmonious household. I don't know how to fight. I don't want to fight. I hate raised voices and hostility.

It stuck me the other night when he said "why do we always degenerate into a fight". I truthfully said "but I'm not fighting, you are". I was simply "letting him vent"...very common lately. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. One of the posters said not to worry about the kids, but I do. It would be such an upheaval for all of us to break up our family.

I am seeing a lawyer next week just to see what my options are. I don;t want to go ahead with this but I need to know what I'm up against if I do.

He has said that he used to lie in bed at night with his pillow over his head when his parents were fighting. Last night I pointed out that our 8 yr old experienced just about the same thing. I think it struck a chord. My 11 yr old duaghter is moving into early adolescence with all the problems that go along with it. I worry about her a lot. I don't want her to think that men are shouters and that's what's common practice.

Every night he "vents" about the awful dysfunction at his workplace but he won't do anything about it. I've given up making suggestions.

If I were to initiate a split up my feeling is "what's the alternative?" Is it any better? Will I be happier? Will the kids cope? But I find that the more I think about leaving the more relieved I feel. This must say somethng? On the other hand I feel selfish leaving him without a thought for the kids and how awful it would be for them. Or would it?

All the best to tyou. I hope you can come to some resolve. I'm with you all the way....Tagger

Wow Tagger your situation sounds very similar to what I went through, although I left before we had children. (i.e. thankfully my soon-to-be ex husband started to turn more aggressive and "vent" on me very often before we had children)

He, too, was very frustrated about his work situation but he was to blame for sticking with it for so long (due to his temper nobody but his own family would employ him, and they paid him very little compared to what he believed he deserved), and he was insanely jealous of the fact that I got a better job straight after finishing college, that I earned more etc. So I had to suffer for that, and he made himself feel good by putting me down :(

Leaving was one of the best things I have ever done, even though it ruined my barely existing social life and he's spread some pretty nasty rumours about me.

Hubby and I attended out first "counselling" session today. We left feeling pretty upbeat. We'll both see the counsellor twice on our own and then together. I'm to undergo "cognitive therapy" (due to my history of depression) and I guess he is too on a lower key.

We both got good vibes off the cousellor. We want very badly to work this through. Here's hoping....Tagger

[/FONT]I too have 4 of the most beautiful kids you ever saw, I entered my 3rd in an all american pageant and he was overall winner in the regional , state and Grand N ational , that is one of the reasons why I chose to have my angry husband leave , I love my kids so much they do not deserve to grow up with such abuse and neither do you deserve to carry his burdens on your shoulders, the children will also carry his burden and pick up his behavior problems which will down the road destroy those beautiful children you have into not so beautiful on the inside , please for your sake and children seek immediate help and support on this issue , do not wait! Very good you seem to be getting some of it out by being here this is the 1st step but you have many more to take as well as myself. I struggle with what to do often, but am so relieved he`s out :rolleyes: I can live again and so can`t my children :wave: :bouncing: :o Keep talking and take a few walks to reach a more serene home for you and kids God Bless! :angel: i am married to the most negative person! i don't know what to do anymore , its to the point where i wonder what i am doing with him because i can't stand being around him at all, he is never violent but he gets so pissed at the smallest things, our tv remote has some issues and doesn't work sometimes you have to play around with it and just today he threw it on the ground twice,then after i fix it he wants it back,, he *****es and *****es constantly i have to tune him out i can walk out of the room and he will still be ************ the other day he was telling ~************~to me about something someone else did and his face was actually twitching!! it disgusts me so much , i am a very easy going person ,i try not to let things bother me and i think my husband is the only person that can get me mad, i have to constantly tell him that i am not the one who did it~~ (whatever he is telling me about) cause he starts yelling and stuff, he also doesn't take other peoples feelings into consideration when he is ranting and raving , then afterwards he will tell me how sorry he is, then he thinks everything is fine and dandy, it just makes me dislike him more and more.
i read another post where someone said their blood sugar was the cause of there anger,, how do you check for that? he wasn't always like this but the past few years i have just been biting my tongue and i keep telling myself to wait till the kids are out of school then i would leave him.
sorry this is so long , but does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with his anger? and i have to becareful what i say to him cause he takes everything so personal and he is aways on the defensive , i don't even bother argueing with him because he is always right no matter what and he would argue to the death if i carried on with him ,
i just wish i knew what to do
[FONT=Book Antiqua]

i almost forgot about this post!!!,, my youngest is almost 15 mths and i have 3 other children ranging ffom 4-8- and 10 yrs old,, i just went out and got a job today i don't start till the end of the mth,, my husband owns his own company so i will be able to save up some money and i had my own business also but that didn't work out that well,
the dh doesn';t drink beer he has gout and that triggeres it but he goes thru a half gallon of whiskey every two days!!
i just told him tonite i would like him to stop drinking
i have decided to save up some money and leave him but it will take me awhile,,i am going to rent a storage and start putting stuff away, i hate the way he is ,, this is not how i wanted to raise my children ,i plan on moving a few states away,, but for now it might take me a whole yr to plan this out i have actually known i made a mistake in marrying him after my first child was born so i have wasted over a 3rd of my life on him,, i am still young so i know things will work out in the end,, thanks for your posts,,
yoga

After reading all the posts above, it's pretty plain that there are untold numbers of these guys in the world. There are daily storms at my house also, some days they come hourly.

I was in counseling for almost 7 years trying to get a grip on things. I stopped going about 5 years ago. I've been married to one of these hotheads for 25 years and after the first 12-13 I was in severe depression and that's what sent me to counseling-the depression. I was working for a company with really good benefits at that time. Went once a week for 2 years, then once a month for another 2 years, and then only a few times a year for the next 3. It really did help me and the worst of the abuse did stop when I started going. We relocated 3 years ago and our business has been in a financial wreck for the past year and it started again.

I guess we've all learned to just stand there and take the accusations and all of you are right when you talk about "it's never his fault" because that's just the way they are and it's not just us but the whole world. It's the banker's fault, or the car mechanic's fault, or the patrolman's fault, or the machine's fault, or the mailman's fault but NEVER their fault. One of the other problems with these kind of guys is that they have very, very few friends. That means they usually spend most of their free time with us. Don't all of you find that to be true? Noboby else wants to listen to their bit**ing, nobody else wants to be around someone that's always negative. And then when the occasion does come to be in the company of others, they are totally different people. They are yelling and screaming and spitting but when the phone rings and they answer, butter wouldn't melt in their mouths.

After 25 years I've had enough. I saw early on in our marriage that we didn't need kids so it's just me and my dogs. I'm trying to sell our business so I can get away from him. Would rather have someone come in and buy his half out but he'd see me rot in hell before he let me take control of it. He's pretty pitiful right now. He can't work for anyone else because he's so hot-headed so he's got to find another occupation where he can be self-employed. Only thing is, he can barely read and write and because of this is severely limited in what he can do. He can operate any kind of heavy equipment, he can drive a truck, he knows farm machinery inside out and can tell a sick cow from a half mile away. I don't worry about me because I can do so many things I'll be able to get a job nearly anywhere. Thought about going back and getting my RN license. Problem with things is that he's likely to fail at whatever he tries to do and then that will be my fault also so there's no winning in any of our situations.

All I do know is that I don't want another man in my life. May sound harsh but I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I don't know what my solution will be but if any of you read my post in the thread "don't know where to put my anger" I'm really looking forward to early widowhood. Doctor already told him he'd never live over his first heart attack and he still hasn't changed his way of life so it's only a matter of time before he throws one of his monster-sized hissy fits and kills himself. I even told him that 2 days ago when he was throwing a pretty big one but it didn't change a thing-he kept right on ranting and raving and spitting and being totally irrational.

Thankful for this site though. Glad we live in an age where we have the technology to be able to communicate with others and get such good support from each other.

cowgal,,my hubby doesn't have friends either,, he talks bad about every person he comes across!! i am sure his Karma is sooo bad and i keep telling him that,, i do not bother to argue w/ him because of course he is right and everybody else in th eworld is wrong!!! i think it makes him mad that i don't argue,, but its a waste of my energie that i would rather put elsewhere,the reason i have stayed w/ him so long is because of the kids but i have also been expecting him to keel over soon,, i know thats awful but i just feel it wil happen soon but if it doesn't in th enext yr i will be leave him anyways,, and i also am not looking for anyone else,,,after this experience i do not need to clean up after anyone else and put up w/ theire crap!!!!i would be totally happy to be single for the rest of my life!!!!in fact i cannot wait!!! isn't that terrible how somebody can ruin your perception of love and life so badly :-(
yoga

Yoga1st, there are no easy answers. Those that haven't walked in our shoes can talk big about they wouldn't put up with it and they wouldn't stay and they would do this or they would do that but until they've been there, they really, really don't understand all of the dynamics involved or know what they would do. Our men can be the most charming people in the world when they need to be. Probably are the greatest con artists alive today. I know in my case that if I were to leave him, I'd never have peace. He will find a way to stay in my life and make me as miserable as he is for as long as he's alive. Those of us who live in the environment that we do understand why there are women on death row for killing their spouses. Juries cannot understand what motivates these women to take another life but I do. We all have breaking points and it's survival instinct to preserve your life above that of another except for your children. It's too complicated a life for any that haven't lived it to comprehend.
I hope that you can maintain some sort of sane life for your kids because they were born into the mess and don't have any choice in the matter.

i almost forgot about this post!!!,, my youngest is almost 15 mths and i have 3 other children ranging ffom 4-8- and 10 yrs old,, i just went out and got a job today i don't start till the end of the mth,, my husband owns his own company so i will be able to save up some money and i had my own business also but that didn't work out that well,
the dh doesn';t drink beer he has gout and that triggeres it but he goes thru a half gallon of whiskey every two days!!
i just told him tonite i would like him to stop drinking
i have decided to save up some money and leave him but it will take me awhile,,i am going to rent a storage and start putting stuff away, i hate the way he is ,, this is not how i wanted to raise my children ,i plan on moving a few states away,, but for now it might take me a whole yr to plan this out i have actually known i made a mistake in marrying him after my first child was born so i have wasted over a 3rd of my life on him,, i am still young so i know things will work out in the end,, thanks for your posts,,
yoga

Alanon and alateen are great groups and have helped alot of families to recover from alcoholism. Good luck

Wow! All of these posts, especially the ones that identify similar situations as yoga1st, really hit home. I’m married and, perhaps, the angry man in the situation. I find myself getting ticked at the smallest things. When I vent, I apologize and my wife says it’s okay, but I know it’s not.

I have to point out that I have multiple health problems and, either because of or in conjunction with those health problems I believe I’m depressed. I do not say this to excuse the behavior. I’m seeing a counselor and I even joined a gym. I guess I’m wondering how common this is and if it is often related to health. The more actively I think about my mental health, the fewer problems I have with my wife. It also helps that she’s so positive. I think a lot of men ignore their internal processes and assume external forces. I hope my post doesn’t bother anybody; I just started thinking about all of these posts.

You described me when you described your husband. And my father, grandfather and uncles. After years of dealing with anxiety and depression and guilt because I couldn't control it, I finally educated myself on depression and got help. It was a TREMENDOUS relief to know that many of my issues were genetic chemical problems and not my own behavioral failures. I would feel so bad after acting like an a@@ but the damage had already been done. I went on celexa for 18 mos and then decided to explore a natural alternative (we prefer natural medicine). In September I read a book called "The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross. It was a godsend. I have been following her diet/supplement regimen for the type of depression I have (serotonin deficient - she has quizzes in the book to identify your type) and I feel great! As good as when on the meds minus the side effects. I would recommend you get a copy and read it. I got mine used online for about $10. I don't want to excuse your husband's behavior but there may be more going on than you realize. I wish you both the best. I know how hard it is to live with a person like me (or like I used to be).

Many of these posts are very close to home for me as well. Seeing as so many of you surely know where I'm coming from I'm going to vent a little. This seems to be the only place that I won't just get a "why don't you just leave him?!" response.

I know that before I was in an abusive relationship, it was easy for me to say "if I was ever with a man that hit me, I would leave. No questions asked."

Easier said than done it turns out.

I should have run when his temper first reared it's ugly head, but no... I stuck it out. 5 years later I'm regretting that decision in a HUGE way. I know I don't love him anymore, I know I want out, I just have lost all the self confidence to make it happen. Unfortunately my lack of passion for him & the relationship in general just pisses him off even more.

Somehow, over the course of the last 5 years he's managed to alienate me from just about all of my family & friends. Coincidentally enough, that leaves me with no one but him to turn to. He's also done things in the past to make me believe that leaving him would be nothing but an agonizing experience. Any talk of breaking up immediately leads to him saying that he's going to kick me out(effective, seeing as I have nowhere to go!), take the cats/do them harm(which he knows mean the world to me), and basically make my life a living hell.

At one point I could reasonably picture myself marrying this man. Not anymore. This year my New Year's resolution is to - get my life back! I'm not sure HOW I'm going to do it, but by this time next year I vow to be a free woman!

There are many, MANY strong women(and men) that have left their abusive partners under worse circumstances than mine... so I know I can do it. I also know that it will likely be the smartest decision I will ever make.

Thanks for the "shoulder". :)

It's always easier to stand on the other side of the fence and say "Well, Yeah, if I was in that situation I'd ...........". Before anyone starts throwing stones, climb over the fence and come and stand with us a while. After 25 years I still don't have answers. I spend at least one half of my day trying to foresee what will make my pis*ed off partner explode and defusing it, sometimes with good luck and sometimes missing it. It's not a fun life. You're afraid to go anywhere with them because you have no idea how they will react to different situations. They won't go anywhere without you because they have to have someone there to vent to and they know that normal people won't tolerate their behavior. If they do go somewhere alone then there's hell-to-pay when they get home. You get to hear what everybody else was doing wrong, why everybody else is an a-hole, why anything that might have happened couldn't have possibly been their fault. It's the same story, time after time. And yes there are thousands of us still listening to it. We don't know why. We don't enjoy it, don't want it, would like for it to be different but to change it means to upset our entire lives and then most of us would have a terrible time trying to live with the guilt. So we hide out in our homes, hoping that nothing sets them off, trying to keep things as perfect as possible, hiding mail, erasing messages, making excuses-we've got lots of practice in self-preservation.

Makes a difference to me that there are others that understand exactly what I'm going through. Am so thankful for this board. Hugs and understanding to all of you in the same circumstances. cg

I know that if a friend were in my situation I would have a really hard time understanding why they don't leave. A lot of the time I have a hard time understanding myself why I didn't leave a long time ago. I know it's the best thing for me, and yet I still stay. It's not like we're married w/kids or anything, so it shouldn't be that hard?!

Hugs to you as well, cowgal... I don't know about you, but I know I could use all the support I can get! :)

When anger and disgust builds up over the years it's hard to let it all go. Maybe leaving is the answer, but even then what remains inside is the same feelings that have been put up with for so long...It takes time to purge and deal with them, whatever they may be...

When anger and disgust builds up over the years it's hard to let it all go. Maybe leaving is the answer, but even then what remains inside is the same feelings that have been put up with for so long...It takes time to purge and deal with them, whatever they may be...

I think it I had the time to myself to deal with my own issues I would be a happier person. I'm not looking forward to the actual "breaking up" part - I know that's going to suck... but I am actually looking forward to being alone. Sometimes I think I much prefer the company of animals over people anyways. ;)

This too sounds like my parents relationship. My father was depressed. Depression ran in his family, this is also the way his father treated his mother. His depression seemed to be seasonal and occasionally he would treat it (medication), but he didn't like the side effects so instead he would not to talk to my mom for weeks on end because of some minute thing she did....The few things I learned from this situation are; you can't help them if they don't want to help themselves and you need to take care of yourself first. The scary thing is that it's not just you it's affecting it's your children too. Try to get some help for yourself even if he won't go with you go. It's important that your children have a positive role model and someone they can trust isn't going to blow up at them. I'm sure your husband does try and I'm sure he's sorry after an episode but this doesn't make it okay. My dad was a good guy he just didn't know how to deal with depression. He died four years ago in his sleep of a heart attack, of which I'm sure was brought upon by the severe depression he was experiencing at the time. Life's too short. Good luck and take care of those beautiful kids!

Yoga, I'm sorry you're in that situation.
I don't think I can give any advice, but I wanted to let you know that you're a strong person, don't give up.
I myself is like he is. Reverse rolls of course, I'm a woman who is usually always grouchy for NO reason. Even today I was trying to get something out of a plastic bag while I was driving...well another thing rolled out of the bag and I got mad and tossed it aside almost off the seat. I don't even realize the anger happens, it's just like a 'rush' that hits instantly. I'm not even aware it's happening till after the fact. I feel like I'm jumping all over my daughter & husband daily. I don't get feedback so I don't know how they feel inside but I'm sure beating myself up over it.

Just in my opinion and what I think could be the reason he is like this (if it winds up not medical), is that someone hurt him mentally a few years ago and he hasn't been able to let it go. I just posted about my issuses and requesting help for that very reason, me being a @#$#^ and I know I need help but one half of me is always fighting with the other so I don't get it.

I'm tired of feeling miserable which in turn makes me more miserable. Did that make sense? The anger (which has nothing to do with the people I yell at) will not go away until it is addressed which may be the same in his case.

Good luck to you, and be careful...that was only my opinion...it could turn bad...make sure you follow your gut instinct and take care of yourselves. :)

reading thru all your responses shows I am not the only one going thru this , I wish I could pull this thread up for him to read but that would just make him mad. We did have a good day today,, it was really nice, I have tried to treat him differently lately and not be so standoffish towards him, hopefully with this new chinese new years things will change for the better,
yoga

I read this thread and decided to add my 2 cent's worth.....
I also had an angry, angry husband. Being angry was his whole way of being. Like the other posters have written, he was always right, never wrong. I could never do anything right. He could verbally assault people (especially me) like nobody's business. We would fight, or even just talk, and he always always cut me off in mid-sentence with his twisted view of what I just said, which was never what I said, he was great at twisting things around. Then he would get mad because I wouldn't talk. (because he always always interrupted, and whatever I said was wrong anyways)

Over the years the relationship degenerated into physical abuse, and drug abuse. Although he always had pot or pills, it got way worse. I was with him for 14 years. One day, after he choked me (again), I walked out of the house and never looked back. I called the local battered women's shelter. They came and picked me up, because it was 30 miles away. I had the clothes on my back and $40 in my purse. My idea at the time, was just to get away for a day or two to let things calm down. I talked to a friend on the phone and told her what happened, and she said 'girl, why don't you take this opportunity to change your life around?' I really heard that. I decided right then and there I was going to do whatever it takes to get on my own two feet, and to never go back to him. I was done. But it took getting away from him to see that option for myself. I was so "under his influence" that I couldn't see anything clearly at all. Just being away from him for a couple days gave me enough time for my head to clear to start making healthy choices for myself. The people at the shelter were wonderful, they were a great resource.

We were separated for 1 and 1/2 years, ( I wasn't mentally ready for the challenges to be faced by divorce court yet) and I got a phone call from a friend. ( My husband and I were not on speaking terms. In fact I had to get a restraining order because he was stalking me). My friend told me that he heard that hubby was in the hospital with cancer. Three weeks later he passed away from cancer that was untreated because he didn't know he had it. Let me tell you, hate and anger DOES kill. It causes heart attacks, and cancer, and other diseases. He was full of hate and anger.

Fast forward nine years. I did much counseling and soul-searching. I healed myself from my bum-magnet tendencies. I still work on my emotional and mental health, I have developed a spirituality that helps me to continue healing. I love and value myself today, therefore I make great choices for myself now. And because of all the growth and change and healing that have taken place. I am a newlywed again, to a wonderful, kind, sweet, loving, gentle and NON-VIOLENT man. Yes, they are out there! LOL I didn't believe it either, at first. But I learned that the more I love myself, the better-quality people I find myself hanging around. Our relationship isn't perfect, but no relationship is. We are both very happy, and committed to honesty and open communication so we talk about things that bother us, and share feelings. We have lots of mutual respect for each other, something I never had in that first marriage.

I just wanted to share my story, to let others know that it can be done, it takes lots of courage, but if I can do it, so can you, if you choose to. God Bless all of you who find yourselves going through the trauma of an abusive relationship.

Flygirl

what an inspirational story fly girl...I am so glad you found the courage to find your feet...I am not in an abusive relationship now, (I love my fiancé' and he treats me wonderful) but when I was in high school at 16 years old, I had a verbally and mentally abusive relationship, (I imagine that it would have turned into physical abuse if I wouldn’t have gotten out when I did) the day I told him I was breaking up with him over the phone he threatened suicide, it was just a total nightmare. but I am thankful I am where I am today, and it sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for as well :)

That's an interesting point. What kind of work does he do? Many times people are exposed to solvents (painters, mechanics, dry cleaners, plastics industries, cleaners, oil recovery workers) and it actually damages their central nervous system ... and they can't help these type of outbursts. Here is a resource on solvent effects (http://www.whis.nzl.org/snftaas/pt17.html) If so, they would have other symptoms, too.

Studies say they often loose their marriages and their jobs. And quite frankly, their lives. The solvents like ethylene glycol monobutyl ether (2-butoxyethanol) are not worth this price. They should be banned.

I've studied this chemical and it's effects for over a year and often recognize its many symptoms when people share... such as bones that don't heal, and increase blood pressure and blood sugar 'out of the blue,' horrible fatigue, eyes burning & watering leading to blindness, etc. Next time your husband goes to the doctor, ask the doc to throw in the 'retic' ratio and check for fragility of red blood cells, which this chemical targets. (A lab technician needs to comment on the red blood cells, too & check for kidney and liver function) Maybe your husband isn't well and he is concerned about how he feels but not sharing it with you.

What you describe is one aspect of what 'gulf war syndrome' is. It is pandemic in our society. It just showed up more in war time, that's all. You can expect to see our today's troops with the same, by the way.

I don't mean to take exception with those of you suggesting physical causes but if the problems were physical then these men would have no control over who they lash out it. The truth of the matter is that these men maintain control around most people outside of the family and reserve their episodes for their spouses. In my case, hubby does have blood sugar issues and takes meds for that along with high blood pressure meds but the fact remains that he won't blow up in front of certain people-mainly those that he knows will not tolerate that kind of behavior or those in a position to spread news of his temper tantrums throughout the community at large. These guys are truly Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personalities and they can turn it on and off like flipping a light switch. In some cases there may be hidden health problems but in most cases this just happens to be the way these guys choose to live their lives. They lash out at those that they are the least threatened by. Plain and simple. cg

What kind of work does your husband do?

Like most of us, maybe even if he is ill, he can compensate to some degree ... but doesn't try so much at home; there may come a day when he can't compensate for his ill health anywhere at all.

There is a news article in about November, 2003 on Staff Sgt James Alford. A decorated 6 year soldier of the Green Beret in Afghanistan. He was said to be 'compensating' for his forgetfulness ... prior to going there, as he was very intelligent. He came home and parents found out in time to help him see his last days ... as a vegetable with his brain being eaten away. He is not an isolated case. I say our troops today are at the same risk for 'gulf war syndrome' and even though this soldier has a neurological diagnosis, it may not be the whole story.

A gulf war soldier checked himself into the VA psych ward on Christmas eve day - 03. He was concerned about his emotional outburst, "like when he went for food stamps and was told they couldn't help him and his family" He had been unemployed since March, because he couldn't keep functioning in his job any longer. I don't suppose that family of a wife and two gradeschool sons had a very good Christmas.

Count your blessings! He isn't smiling in any photos these days, as his teeth are falling out. (bone marrow damage)

hi guys-I am married to a great husband and he is a great father but he is also an intolerant and angry person.But the wierd thing is that he is never like that to me or the kids just everything else.I don't understand it-he is so negative about everything else but he is great with me and the kids!? he is an angry driver-doesn't like some people b4 he knows them-and is intolerable to certain groups of people. I don't understand it at all-how can I get him to lighten up?

Well, thank your luck stars!

Maybe he just has learned bad habits; maybe he is a perfectionist and that is a set up for disappointment. Maybe you can coax him into wanting to change and learning new habits of responding.

All the best

After 7 years I finally got out.Walking on egg shells is NO way to live!!

:confused: :confused: :p ;) This is how my life has been for the past 5 years.. I am perfect. I am always the one that is wrong .I am a total and much documented failure, that is constantly doing everything wrong on purpose. No matter what I say , have not any trust except that I am a smart *** know it all if I ever attempt to add any input at a get together. He says it right in front of the guests. . I dont really mean anything I say.There is just no defense if all the negative things he says are really true about him...
.i am married to the most negative person! i don't know what to do anymore , its to the point where i wonder what i am doing with him because i can't stand being around him at all, he is never violent but he gets so pissed at the smallest things, our tv remote has some issues and doesn't work sometimes you have to play around with it and just today he threw it on the ground twice,then after i fix it he wants it back,, he *****es and *****es constantly i have to tune him out i can walk out of the room and he will still be ************ the other day he was telling ~************~to me about something someone else did and his face was actually twitching!! it disgusts me so much , i am a very easy going person ,i try not to let things bother me and i think my husband is the only person that can get me mad, i have to constantly tell him that i am not the one who did it~~ (whatever he is telling me about) cause he starts yelling and stuff, he also doesn't take other peoples feelings into consideration when he is ranting and raving , then afterwards he will tell me how sorry he is, then he thinks everything is fine and dandy, it just makes me dislike him more and more.
i read another post where someone said their blood sugar was the cause of there anger,, how do you check for that? he wasn't always like this but the past few years i have just been biting my tongue and i keep telling myself to wait till the kids are out of school then i would leave him.
sorry this is so long , but does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with his anger? and i have to becareful what i say to him cause he takes everything so personal and he is aways on the defensive , i don't even bother argueing with him because he is always right no matter what and he would argue to the death if i carried on with him ,
i just wish i knew what to do