This afternoon, I took FIL some more medications he requires in hospital. He said he overheard one of the nurses saying "oh yes, this one .. his daughter in law isn't coping at all well"

He challenged me. I chickened out. I said the Kids aren't coping at all well. He said "we'll get Cam downstairs and that'll fix it" but I said "we can try, but I don't think so .. they've had enough"

He changed the conversation. :nono:

Ok .. I AM BEATING MYSELF UP ....... I can't HURT the old man .. I can't !!!!!!!!!!! I can't say HONESTLY TO HIS FACE, Enough ..... ..........

**insert sound of whipping here**

I am THE BIGGEST CHICKEN .. THE BIGGEST BIGGEST CHICKEN .......... :mad:

I am SO cranky with myself ......... I COULD have faced him .. I really really could have .. it was the OPPORTUNITY we've been screaming for ... and he looked at me with those big blue eyes that look like my hubby's and kids, and .................... I froze. :(

Dammit .. dammit .. dammit...........!!!!!!!!! :mad:

BIL didn't call ACAT today .. he 'forgot' .. so he's promised to call them tomorrow. I've even given him the words to tell them for them to say to FIL .....

"You are not well enough to stay at home anymore .. you have to look at other accommodation"

He will say "You trying to kick me outta my home"

Their answer "no, we're trying to keep you alive"

It's the chickens' way out .. I know .. I admit it ...........

I CAN'T HELP MYSELF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so mad with myself.................

Sally

Sally, it's all right to do it by roundabout means. It is really OK. You are not a chicken. You are doing your best. You just happen to love your in-laws, unlike most people .. and you are suffering for it (no good deed goes unpunished...)

Hang on, if YOU can't use those words, BIL will, or hubby will .. eventually he will be told. He will also accept the inevitable. Just a little bit longer.

Just think: by the middle of June, once I get my new computer, I will be sending in messages about being the 'far off daughter' calling once in awhile (I promise to call Mom twice a week or more, NOT once in 3 weeks!) and finding out through email (Bill and I are avid writers) how she is doing ... since whatever she tells me may or may not have any hint of reality in it. YOU, Sally, by mid June, may also be free of the constant care you are now bending - but not breaking - under.

JUNE ..just a couple of months off ...

Prayers, ((((a big hug))))) and best wishes. Don't do what I do - beat up on yourself!

Love,

Martha

don't beat yourself up for being compassionate! isn't this the hardest conversation we could ever have with ANYONE????? plus, you were caught off guard. quite honestly, i believe it's the responsibility of the child, not the child's spouse. why aren't your hubby and BIL stepping up to the plate?

Sally, I am thee worst--I cry when people win money on a game show, so do not ever ever feel bad about being a caring and feeling person. However--

There does come a time, I think, when you need to either have your hubby or other relatives step up to the plate.

I love my brother but my sister cared for our grandmother for 10 years, finally she decided she could not do it anymore, and put her in a nursing home, my brother had a fit---but to be honest in 7 years that g-ma was in there he visited like 2 times. Yes he lived out of state, but hello, airline tickets are pretty cheap.

So sometimes I think that intentions are good on the part of "out of mind relatives" but in the end you have to do what is right for you.

Mayo Clinic told me that caregivers, can have 5 years shaved off their lives just by what they do---the stress the constant demands. Do not do that to yourself.

Be strong and most important be good to yourself

Ok MISSY! :) First off, you are NOT chicken! It's not like you had time to think about what you were going to say before you said it. And you love your FIL and don't want to hurt him. That makes you a compassionate human being, NOT A CHICKEN!

Second, FIL knows the truth now. He knows those nurses wouldn't have said that if they didn't hear it. Deep down, he knows. He just needs to hear how you feel from you-when you're ready to tell him. I'm a firm believer that things will happen when they're meant to happen. And the time for it to happen wasn't at the spur of that moment. As a friend of mine says-In God's time, not ours.

But sometimes don't you just wish God would put on his running shoes? :D

Love, Barb

Hi Sally,

Like everybody has said, you're not a chicken, you're a loving, sympathetic, compassonate, sweet, tired, drained, and diplomatic ... daughter, wife, mother, DIL, nurse, psychiatrist, chauffer, referee, cook, laundress, gardener, launguage translator, peacekeeper, friend, woman. Where is Super Woman when you need her?? :rolleyes:


:nono: Lighten up on yourself NOW!!!!!!!!

If you choose, you can revisit the conversation with FIL and say, "You know you asked how I was doing? Well, I love you dearly, but in all honestly I cannot continue as it's been. You and MIL are in need of far more constant care than I can give. I am out of gas. My shoulder is injured. Alan and the kids need calm, order, peace and they need my time and attention. You already know this. I love you." Now use the tissue because you're likely to cry from relief and regret that you're not Super Woman. You don't have to do this at all, but if you do, then on your way home do something nice for yourself.

Remind yourself of all you've done for almost the last year. :eek: Like Martha and others, being guilt-free is required. You have nothing to feel guilty about. What is stopping you from doing everything ad infinitum is that you are one human. Guilt arises because you expect yourself to do the work of 3 or more people. You would not expect that of anyone else. Step back and realize that's more than you can reasonably expect of yourself. You've done extrodinarily well. You should be proud of yourself. Really. Applause, applause.

Peace be with you. Hugs - Barbara

And keep this in mind. None of us would EVER tolerate ANYONE treating us as we treat ourselves.

You did the right thing by not saying what needed to be said at that moment. You weren't prepared. Had you said what needs to be said then, it may not have come out the way you intend it to and you may have walked out of that room angry with yourself because FIL became hurt or angry with the way the conversation went. Like Barbara said, this leaves you the oportunity to ease into it. It wasn't the right time. You'll know when the time is right. You'll feel it.

I'm keeping an eye on the skies now. There's a tornado watch here. Tornado warnings are about 60 miles away now but that storm is headed right for us. We're expecting strong winds and hail.

We're used to tornadoes here. Last year about this time, I was just a few blocks from where a tornado hit in Joliet. It passed right over us just before it touched down. The windows were rattling in the building I was in. That was scary. I'm going to shut my pc down soon and stay close to the tv. Maybe I'll pop the Wizard of Oz in my DVD player. :D

What can I say? I'm a strange character today....lol

Love, Barb

I have experienced only ONE tornado. It was the "Palm Sunday Tornado" of 1965. We lived in Goshen, IN where my husband was a student. High death rate, much damage. We were lucky to survive, since we lived in a mobile home at the time. It was scary. I must remember to ask my new landlord what we are supposed to do in case a tornado comes along ..the one story apartments have no basements. But the public library is very nearby and must have a shelter .. GOOD LUCK!!

Love,

Martha

The storm came through-big hail and lots of it. Our street flooded a couple of blocks away. The hail and rain came down so fast, it was cleaning the leaves out of the gutters! Couldn't see across the street. The wind was blowing the hail against our picture window in our living room. The hail filled the yard. In just a couple of minutes, the ground was covered completely with large hailstones-some of them the size of golf balls.

And guess what dad did..........he went outside for the first time since going to the doctor.......guess the hail, wind and blinding rain as well as the thunder and lightning fascinated him. When it started to rain, he went and got a broom and started sweeping off the porch. 40+mph winds won't put the dirt back on the porch, will it??? lol

Waiting for the next batch of storms to get here. Yes, spring is here..... :rolleyes:

Love, Barb

Hi -

Sally, how goes it????????????????? Are you exhausted from remembering all you've done for everyone in the last year? Are you looking for Super Woman??? Are you on Cloud 9 congratualting yourself for your accomplishments?

Hope there's hope ahead! Hugs - Barbara

Barb - glad you didn't blow away! :)

Ok .. how goes it .........

hmmmmmmmm...........well ..........

remember my sore neck/shoulder?

It's broken *insert wide eyed look here*

Yup .. I managed to snap off the pointy bit off the C7 ... it's 'still healing' (3 months later .. 3 months people .. 3 months !~!~!~!~!) it's gonna take A G E S ....

Now ............ this is the answer we've been waiting for really.

I cannot lift anything heavy, am not allowed to stretch. I have to rest it, and take it easy. It could take another 2 - 3 months if not LONGER. Osteoporisis is also visible. I am going for a Bone Mineral Density test tomorrow morning at 9.30am.

so .. showers for FIL are definately out. He will now have no choice but to look into other options. Now to gracefully back off ... back away ...

Working slowly .. slowly slowly .. softly softly .... but moving ahead all the same.

Hugs gal's
(with no fleas in crotches LOL)

Sally

Yes, you must take it easy. The cervical spine is nothing to play around with. Take it easy. It will take a long time to heal. And if I may make a suggestion....ask the doctor to test your hormone levels too, especially thyroid. Hyperthyroidism is known to cause osteoperosis. You are too young for this to happen without a reason.

Good luck with the bone density test!

Let us know how it went.

Love, Barb

Oh my goodness..what have you been doing all these months with a broken bone in your spine. NOW is the time. Move out. Live in a tent, but get out. Leave ALL CARE to his and her biological children and professionals. Now is the time. Do whatever has to be done. Do it now.

My prayers are with you for FAST healing and better prospects. You have already given 101%. More on another thread about Mom's arrival...

love,

Martha

Hi girls.

BosBarb .. my thyroid broke YEARS ago _ I sympathise with your own plight, because it took a good 5 years of begging my local doctor to look into my exhaustion further before his partner finally did and diagnosed Hyperthyroidism... I have not long had a full blood work up (January 05), and hormones are fine (no menopause yet .. darn it, darn it, darn it .. yes, I am panting for menopause .. I have the worst periods)

I was informed that Sesame Seeds are FULL of calcium, and I should start pumping them into me ...I'm not, and never have been a big milk/dairy person .. neither is my middle child who is 12 .. she detests milk and supplements .. fortunatley I have scared her now !!!

And so ........ I rest ....... and feel useless ..LOL

Loves & Hugs
Sally

Sally, you're better off than I am as far as the thyroid goes. I'm hypo and my levels are STILL all over the place. This is a year and a half after diagnosis. Sometimes, I go hyPER and have to cut down on the meds. Have you been on the thyroid board here?

One of the tests they did on my dad when they were testing for alzheimer's is TSH because his doctor said thyroid disease can mimic early stages of alzheimer's.

Interesting.....

Somehow I knew you were going to say you had a thyroid problem. Did you have yours removed?

Love, Barb

Hi Barb

No .. not removed .. if it doesn't turn into the 'goiter' (which is usually associated with an overactive not underactive) it doesn't need to be removed. There are no nodules, it just 'stopped' one day.

I take 1000mg of kelp on my 'slow' days .. it's a fantastic pick me up (and ya don't smell like seaweed .. promise) ... I'm on 200micrograms a day. Sometimes it's too much but we leave me on it. It's not helped me lose any weight unfortunately !!!!!

I had the Bone Mineral Density test this morning. The results won't be back to the doctor until next week IF I CAN GET IN TO SEE HIM of course ... *rolling eyes* ... but we DO know the osteoporosis is starting in me early (thyroid activated .. quite possibly, lack of calcium from me .. highly probable ... 3 pregnancies and no vitamins .. highly likely) ... I suppose I was just asking for it really but not realising I was running out of catch up time.

I guess I'll end up taking MORE damn tablets now .. ai yi yi .. I HATE THIS ...

1 tablet for Thyroid
1 tablet for Blood Pressure
1 tablet for Heart
1 tablet for fluid (not that I notice much there)

Now I just sound like I'm whinging (yes, with the G LOL - Win - gin - not wine-ing)

Hugs to all
Sally
(who is sore today, they made me raise my arms and it 'urt)

Look on the bright side-once MIL and FIL go where they need to go, your blood pressure should go down. ;)

Just curious what med you're taking for thyroid. Are you taking Synthroid? You may already know this but I'll say it just in case you don't. Calcium interferes with absorbtion of thyroid hormone meds. For that reason, you should avoid taking calcium tablets or anything with calcium in it for four hours after taking your thyroid tablet.

I hope all is well on the homefront. How is MIL now that FIL is in the hospital? Have you thought about how FIL will be approached regarding the living situation at home?

Love, Barb (who's been very sleepy-would love to sleep 15 hours but it's not practical :rolleyes: )

*~*~*~*~ rushing off to cupboard to check tablets *~*~*~*~*~

I'm on Thyroxine (Oroxine derivative) 200 mcg per day.

That helps keep me awake *grin*

The Noten (Blood Pressure) ~ helps relax me (makes me tired)
The Tritace Inhibitor (Heart tablet) ~ helps my metabolism slow down (oh great, put on weight ...)
The Natrilix (fluid tablet) ~ helps get rid of excess fluid to counteract the weight gain (yet to see or notice).

I will remind the doctor about the calcium thing .. we have a special tablet here, called Fosamax ~ you take it once a week at the same time and stay still for the next hour. Upright preferable. Sounds dramatic to me .... I think they'll be throwing me on that .. seems to be the case with fractures.

MIL is coping quite nicely without FIL here. She's JUST A HAPPY .. Happy, Happy, Happy, giggly sleepy little girl ..... having lots of Nanna Naps everyday, and heading off to bed around 10pm when I ring her phone and wake her up again.

She's quite PLEASANT .. it's SO nice !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am still suspicious, and I don't think it would take much to push her over the edge .. but ....... ya never know!!

FIL is VERY sook'ish at the moment. if your 5 minutes late for visiting time, he's ringing asking where you are. He asked if I was coming to visit him tonight, and I said No, I'm hurting too much .. too many people prodding and poking me and making my neck and shoulder do things it doesn't want to ..I'm hurting .. you could hear his bottom lip drop.

I MUST contact the Discharge planner at the Private Hospital and have a word with her. I want her to say "precise" things to FIL, that coming from HER will be listened to. . . but it's friday .. and I need more pain killers .... today is a bad day :-(

Hugs

Sally

Dear Sally,

Useless? NO way. You can rest now, because you were told NOT to lift, etc, but you are still there. Now you might even find you have more time for your children, just to listen to them, which is more important than physical work.

Last night: I konked out first and went to bed after the bad night before, and Mom still on Elsie Time. I thought, if anything burns, I'll hear the smoke detector. After initially telling me 'NO TV, Elsie says it's bad for me" Mom asked me to turn it on and watched it for the rest of the evening. I heard her going to bed at about 10. She has to walk through my room.

I slept fine, up early but that is OK. Mom was able to turn off the TV. When I got home from school yesterday I rang the bell instead of using my downstairs key, and asked Bill earlier to let Mom push the buzzer to let me in, just to see if she still can do it. It took awhile, but eventually she buzzed me in. So she ought to be able to let the Aide in at 9 today. I deliberately did not call Elsie to say Mom is safely home. She didn't call me the day of Mom's arrival there, and until I called, I didn't know how it went. No one called. Ill bet they were both out celebrating the end of the awful 3 weeks!!

Promise: I will try not to mention MooMoo on this Board and bore you all! As kids we were BOTH mercilessly teased..she was called Elsie the Cow, I was called Mardy the Bull. As teens, she was popular, I was a wallflower stringbean .. those days Marilyn Monroe was the beauty standard, and I hear she was a size 14. Nowadays size 8 is considered fat .. and I wear DOUBLE that ..

When I am settled in Indiana and without the caregiver role, I plan to lose 20 lbs. I did it 6 years ago .. but most if it snuck back on when I was not looking!

Love to all, and have a HAPPY caregiving day,

Martha

Hi -

Martha, sounds to me like your Mom is on those first better-than-usual honeymoon days before she loses it again. So sorry that it's all been harder on you than need be. Some people are just toads, and you cannot change them. Hold your head high and laugh "with" your mother as if her words are endlessly funny. My mother always looked puzzled when I laughed, but joined in and happied up. It does lighten the mood.


Sally, SOOO sorry you're broken! We have Flosamax here and I'm osteoporetic, too. What a bother! I've broken a bone in my left elbow and a bone in my right hand in the last 5 years just from simple falls. Bummer! Along with fluid pills comes the need for extra potassium in your diet - whether by pill suppliments or lots of bananas!! Also don't take pills with any acidic juice like orange juice because the juice makes the medicines less effective. So many things to consider.

Glad MIL is happy. As I see it, the call to the discharge planner is your key to freedom.

Hope you feel better and better. Enjoy the forced relaxation, read, listen to music, take walks in the cooling autumn days.


Barb, hope your Dad is calm and tranquil and has gotten his kicks for the week in braving the storm!

Happy April Fool's day! Hugs - Barbara :wave:

Yes, Barbara, dad is calm and tranquil at the moment. He does so love storms. :confused:

Speaking of dad, I have yet to hear from the social worker that the doctor said was going to call me. They'd better get on the ball. They don't want to make me angry. :nono:

Sally, thyroxine speeds up your matabolism. Are you taking the Tritace Inhibitor to counteract that? I don't want to keep going off the subject of this board so would you meet me on the thyroid board? I'll post to you there. I don't want to get into trouble here.

Happy April Fool's Day!

Love, Barb