Hi:

I lost my dad two weeks ago today (03/16/2005). I can't stand it.

He was a great guy. The best. Losing him really is cutting me on the inside.

I don't know why I am writing. I guess I am just reaching out.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

I lost my mother, to cancer, this past year. To be honest, it hasn't gotten any easier, but I thought I could at least say, you're not alone and that I do understand. I've felt so exhausted these past few months. I don't even want to go out, but, when I go for a walk or feel the breeze on my face, I feel like maybe I'll "walk" again. You have to treat yourself gently, during this time. Reach out to others, when it feels right, like you did here. I'm thinking about going to a therapist, because I'm so haunted by how much my mom suffered. I hope this helps a little. My heart goes out to you, because I feel your grief.....Today, I bought some flowers to plant. Maybe this will help me feel joy again.

Kimianne,

I am so sorry for your loss...I could say I know what you are going through...but no one knows that but you...I lost my dad five years ago in May...he was my best friend...I didn't think that I would ever be able to get through the grief...but I'm still here...I think of him daily...and still cry sometimes when I really miss him...
I know it's hard now...but it will get easier to get through...you will always miss him...and your life will never be the same...but find comfort that he is always with you...maybe in a smile...or a certain way of doing things...but you are his daughter...a part of him that he left behind...
I wish somehow I could help with your grief...but time is all that can...

D

kimianne--right there with you....i lost my dad the day after you did...3/17/05. i was there from the moment the doctor told him/me that he would not live through the day....i was there up until he died. i have had a few emotional moments, but spent the evening that he died, up until last week, busy with funeral arrangements and helping my mom to get legal business tended to...so have not had time to really grieve. we have most of everything taken care of...that we can at this time anyway...so now that things have settled down.....it has hit me....and i dont know what i am supposed to do. i cant talk about it...i can talk about my dad being gone..but i cannot, in no way, talk about the last 3 days of his life...way too hard for me.

i am trying to figure how what is the healthy way to deal with losing my dad...am i to keep busy so that i dont think about it...or am i to make myself talk about it and cry, so that i am not holding it in...and risk having it hit me 10 times harder later on???

I have never experienced losing someone this close to me before...so I have no clue what I am supposed to do...to keep my sanity. I am soooo afraid that if I cave in and allow myself to truly grieve...that I will fall into a depression....and I have seen what that can do....my father fell into a deep depression a couple of years ago...and attempted suicide...so, I have seen first hand what depression can do to a person...so I am scared to let my emotions go....as I may not be able to stop. I loved my dad very much....he was ill for 5 years, and I was his caretaker right up to the end. I do not know how to make the pain go away....I am new at this myself...but just wanted to let you know that I am right there with you.

I wish I had some comforting words for you. I lost my mother 10 years ago and when I think about her, my heart still hurts. The passing of time still makes it a little bit easier. My mom and I were very close.

Maybe with the passing of time, your heart will heal and you will not feel so sad, only happy for the times that you spent together.

I can feel the pain in every word that has been written here. I lost my mom this past june 2004 almost 11 months ago. I have been going through the days in a kind of fog, some days I just want to scream, when mom died a piece of me went with her.
She was my rock and the only person who truly understood me.....she was a daily in my life, she lived with us for many years........now im lost. I was her care taker as her health declined......it was very painful to watch the changes in her.
I miss our talks and her laugh.....my husband who is such a good man is trying to understand my feelings. He was very attached to mom also......she was more like a mom to him then his mother-in-law. There is a deep void in my home now.....her presence is missing.
I wish i could give some comforting words, but my pain is quite new. I don't think i ever grieved for my dad like this, he died 40 years ago, but all those feelings have surfaced again........my dad was a victim of a hit and run accident....the driver never was caught and brought to justice. I had to give that up to god so that i could continue on with my life. Sorry to have ranted on so.....I am trying to take one day at a time........I sometimes feel mom around me, that gives me comfort...........be kind to yourself.

the hardest thing for me is the dreams at night. how long do they last? when will they stop?? it makes it so much more difficult to heal and move on...when the dreams are a constant reminder of losing my dad.

at first, i was having them nightly....now--2-3 times a week, so they are slowing down....but still....it hurts to have these dreams. for the most part, the dreams are of my dad being in the hospital, or about his death. last night was the first time i ever "heard his voice", and him not be in the hospital. we were all here at my home mourning his death....i was on the computer...and i have callwave....an internet answering machine....it takes calls while i am online....soooo clearly...my father called and said "Rita, dummy, get off the computer and give me a call. well, since you are on the computer, forget it. "-----it blew my mind in my dream....i got so excited, saying "dad is still alive"......well, of course, the dream woke me up...and i cried and cried. it felt good "hearing" his voice again....it sounded exactly like my dad....but i really would give anything to be able to truly talk to him again.

Thank you for your kind words everyone.

Today marks 6 Wednesdays since my dad passed. I am wondering when I will stop saying x # of weeks ago at this time dad was still alive and doing this or that.

It is just not getting a lot better here. I knw that 6 weeks isn't really all that long but it feels like this is never going to go away.

It hasn't helped that since my dad passed there have been 5 other deaths of people I knew or are friends with their loved ones (the last two were last Thursday and Friday). I just feel so heavy.

I wish you all luck with this grieving process. I will check in and maybe if we share we can get through this somehow.

God bless us all!

I can't believe that it will be a year so shortly.

I miss you sooo much daddy.

I guess I wanted to touch base with you all. I hope you are all doing well.

yes...hard to believe that it has been almost a year (3-17-05 for me)....i still miss my dad terribly....but the days have gotten easier. the hardest thing is going to my moms...i cant stand going there...the house is just too empty without dad. i do still have dreams...but not near as often as i used to. not a day goes by that i dont think of dad in some way. i would give anything to hear his voice again, to hold his hand again, to laugh with him again......but you know, i am just thankful that he is not suffering any more. as hard as it was/is to let go....it was sooo much more harder seeing him suffer and having no quality of life. my dad is gone....but far from being forgotten.

I was opening a book I hardly ever look at, last night, and a note that my mom had written to me fell out of it. It was if she had just written it and sent it to me. The tears fell.....it's hard....thanks for reaching out KIM....,it helps me feel less alone, as I struggle with losing my mom to cancer.

Lots of love to you both.

We will get through this somehow. We have to it is the circle of life and we have no choice.

My mom was really sick a month ago and was in the hospital for several days while they tried to figure out what was wrong with her. She is in California for the winter with my sisters so I couldn't even be with her. Her life has changed so drastically with the passing of my dad. I got really worried that she was going to give up and go to join him.

I don't think that I can handle that.

Let's keep in touch. And smile for the wonderful memories that we do have.

kimianne...I am so sorry that your mom has been sick. I do hope she is getting better. Seems like you and I are "twins" going through practically the same things....my sister was hospitalized last month...with very unexpected colon cancer. she was in the hospital for a week. we took her to the er thinking she had major impaction. they ran tests, and discovered the cancer. she is ok though.

so that you can learn a bit more about me and my experience....i would like for you to read my post in the Lung forum...under the post of "has anyone ever watched an emphysema patient die" (or something very close to that!) i put a post in there...explaining the ordeal that i went through. i never did say what my dad died from in your postings...and was planning to eventually ask you about your dad..but i wanted to wait til the time was right. writing that post was extremely hard....and feel like i am having a bit of a panic attack...hard to breathe....but i am ok. still havent smoked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 11 days!!!

We are more twins then you think.

My father too had emphysema. Awful disease! He died in the middle of the night due to hardening of the arteries. He went to the bathroom and then got his inhaler. He never took a puff, it dropped to the floor and he fell into the guest room.

Congratulations on 11 days- it is awesome! I am still smke free too. :)

Lots of love.

Oh my! This is crazy! LOL. Wow....at least we are able to fully understand each others pain and sorrow.

Even though your dad passed away in the manner that he did...you are like me...we were expecting it to happen...just didnt know when....but we thought we would have some kind of notice that it was going to happen. I just hope that your dad didnt suffer. I know that he was trying to use his inhaler at that time...but hopefully, he had not been struggling, gasping to breathe....and if so...I pray that it wasnt for long. That really is a horrible disease. I pray that I dont get it. Which is why I am planning to stay smoke free from now on! Smoking was fun, enjoyable, etc....BUT it just is not worth the end results! I will be praying ALOT for you during this next month. Great Job on still not smoking!! We can and will do it!!

Well ladybug, next Thursday will mark a year for me and Friday a year for you. :(

I am just sick with it. Boy, it is all right back in my face again.

I am taking both Thursday and Friday off. You will certainly be in my prayers. We will get through this. OK? It is the circle of life and unfortunately we have no choice.

Lots and lots of love.

hey kimianne. yeah....already started for me, too. today is the one year mark for the last time my dad was admitted to the hospital. between everyday life, grieving, and quitting smoking (3 weeks today....yes!!!!).....depression is starting to hit me pretty hard. i honestly question if its the wellbutrin having an adverse affect on me. i was slightly depressed before, but now it is very obvious that i am. but maybe after we get through this next week....i will start to be myself again. if not, then i guess i will go to the dr. i have been thinking about you...just havent felt up to going to this forum. lots of love and prayers being sent your way. but, as you said, it is a part of life...everyone has to go through it....and most everyone is able to move on eventually. hopefully, we will be ok. just hang in there. remember.....they are looking down at us....watching over us.

Friday (03/16/07) will mark two years since my dad's passing. I still breakdown and it still cuts as strongly as when it first happened.

I have learned to have a better control on when I let my emotions surface but, that is about it at the moment.

It seems like just yesterday but, also like it has been forever.

My heart goes out to all of you.

hey kimianne,

yeah this saturday will be 2 years for me. i know what you mean...it feels like dads been gone forever and yet it seems as though he was still with us just yesterday. i miss him terribly...and there hasnt been a day yet that i havent thought of him and wished he were around to share my joys and sorrows. i get by the days fairly good, but i still cant talk about the day he died without getting emotional. my dad and i were very close and i just cant seem to find that bond with my mom. i love her and all, but i just cant seem to find that close bond with her. my thoughts are with you....it is very hard i know. but as with all the other days, we will manage to get through it. take care of yourself and talk to me if you need to.

hey kimianne how did thing go for you? we went to dads grave yesterday and planted some tulips....was like losing dad all over again. it really hit me hard. ive been there several times and i was just somber....but yesterday was so different...i couldnt control my emotions. i dont know why. i just know that i REALLY miss dad so much. today was so so. slept much of the day after taking my anxiety meds last night. just wanted to let you know that i was thinking of you.