Oh dearest dearest Martha ...........

Time to stop now. You've written your letter .. you've vented .. now you need to REALLY let it out of your system.

And I'm going to try and help .............

ready?? Let's go ...

Elsie is .. from what I can gather, threatened by you. She has to make things look 'insignificant' to make herself feel better. She has no regards to your feelings, other than to make YOU feel bad so SHE feels better.

DO NOT GIVE HER THAT POWER. Everytime you LET her make you feel insignifcant, she get's points.

YOU know YOU know THE TRUTH .. YOU are the one who lives with it each and every day. Her small amount of input is NOTHING compared to what you have given .. please, please, please DO NOT think you have NOT given your best. YOU have shown, through your 24/7 care, that YOU care .. again .. I reiterate .. her small amount of input is NOTHING. She see's a small amount of 'best behaviour' followed by 'justifiable' behaviour.

My BIL is doing his damndest to justify his mothers behaviour. Even to the point of 'not quite saying' I am exaggerating, but I know what he means. She's on happy tablets now, calm, restful and peaceful. Long may it reign. But her odd behaviours are justified each and everytime .. especially with the 'how normal Mum can be" routine .. drives me mad.

HE doesn't live here. HE doesn't have to live with it. HE isn't prepared to deal with it on a day to day basis.

HIS opinion IS CRAP. . . . as is Elsies.

Elsie is being a selfish, manipulative BITHC (yes, spelt wrong, you get it) .. she get's pleasure out of knowing she's hurt you. DO NOT give her that power, and DO NOT let her win. Calling her a cow is insulting cows. They nurture their young and their elders. Calling her a cockroach .. well, now .. I didn't actually SAY that did I ? LOL ....... (cockroaches have no blood .. they are bloodless creatures .... let's just leave it at that )

I don't MEAN to gain insults on E ....... but for heavens sake .......she's done NOTHING concrete .. she's not gone the HARD yard ...... YET ........ she judges you and your assistance when she's done what?? yeah .. c'mon .. WHAT exactly? Oh .. had your Mum for a few weeks .. BIG DEAL ... your input with Mum has been more important . E is just a passing phase ... it will wear off ... sooner rather than later.

Martha ... ....... ............. I'm lost for words. Your a confident, self opinionated woman ... why are you giving E this power ???

I SO WISH I lived in your country ..... I really . really . really do ...... we could BE SO GOOD for each other !!!!

If nobody has said it recently .............

Your an important human being. Your valuable and have alot to give. Do not give, up .. we're here for you.

Many many many hugs and supportive pats on back

Sally

Thank you Sally.

You are trying so hard to help me, and I am my own worst enemy The letter I sent will only be more ammunition for her to use against me, and I am sure she will say, "How could you have misinterpreted what I wrote. Look at it again, I didn't say she thought YOU were the jailer, etc etc." This happened once before ... and I was convinced it really had been my misunderstanding that caused all the trouble ..

With your help I will BECOME the independent thinking woman I ought to be!

Meanwhile, Mom slept incredibly long (still on Elsie time) and I had an easy morning, got all the weekly shopping done in a downpour of rain before she ever got up...

We have food in the house and wil NOT go out to eat, often the way I get her to go out, do something else, get a little exercise. Not in this awful weather.

I hope Mom will agree to go to church tomorrow and I can get her friend to take her ..giving me 3 free hours ..that would be great .... ot happens only when Mom agrees and I call her by 5:30 Saturday night, maybe once every 2 months. Mom usually says no.

Early this morning I booked my one way flight to South Bend . It is on June 16th. Our last school day this term is June 14th, Preschool graduation. I'll work on the 15th also to get everything in order for my successor if the church finds one, and then leave. The flight leaves at 6:30 AM, I change planes in Cleveland, and get to South Bend at 9:15 AM ..

Jenny works all day Thursdays, so I asked my son in law if he would pick me up at the airport and drive me to MY apartment. There I will spend the day unpacking boxes my daughter will have brought over in the weeks before, walk to the local store for food supplies, and just sit (I'm borrowing one lawn chair from them) in my OWN place for the first time in over 5 years. Jenny can pick me up whenever her last client leaves, and take me to their house to sleep for a few days until I buy a bed, and I also have to buy a used car, and much much more ... but I'll be HOME!

Having this ticket number is like having the key to escape MY prison when the right day finally arrives.

Love,

Martha

Hi, Martha and Sally. :wave: Hope it's okay if I jump in. I have been following both your tough sagas with great respect. :angel:

I just have a very different take on Martha sending that letter. I think it was WONDERFUL, very appropriate and ABOUT TIME you stopped with the inappropriate restraint, politeness and respect in response to her deliberate extreme b***chiness and goading you where it hurts! You said the three very important things that absolutely needed to be said in response to this last, very cruel message she sent you. (And it shouldn't make a BIT of difference to you how she responds -- I agree with Sally about detaching yourself about that.) BUT it was TIME for you to confront that nasty and belittling behavior openly in your own protection.

You put the three important questions very clearly "in her face" so she cannot avoid seeing the effect of her conduct, even if she pretends to be indignant or whatever -- namely, why would she say such a cruel thing, I'm sorry I forget the second one right now, and third, if she really thinks it's so much better for your mom to be there with her, why isn't she offering to take her? Personally I would have added -- "especially since being retired
and being blessed so comfortable financially, you are in such an ideal position to offer mom the time, attention and care she needs..."

I am sure this belitting and cruel behavior is simply her personality, but I sense she aims it specifically at you in part because she knows you won't respond by confronting her. Sounds like you are a bit intimidated or afraid to confront her and she is aware of that and ready to exploit any weakness (I worked with someone like that for six years...they know how to pick their targets and it's hellish to be one...)

I'm glad you are considering cutting this very belittling and destructive person out of your life. She will never change.

Anyway in my considered opinion "moo moo is a poo poo head"
yeah, just call me "the mature one" :rolleyes:

Now now, you lovely people are more mad at Moo than I am! It feels good to have friends like you!

Love,

Martha

Dear, dear Martha, I hope that now you have expressed your feeling to E, you will evict her from your head. She doesn't pay rent so she shouldn't be there!
Both ladies have very valid points. I think you needed to vent to E. Now, if she retaliates, put it aside. Don't let her do this to you anymore. She is not a happy person so she will try to put you down at any cost to make herself look better. The truth of the matter is she cannot deal with your mother. The headphones "to keep her quiet" are proof of that. She will never admit this to you because in her eyes, if she were to admit it, she would be admitting you're better than her or she is less of a person than you. She is very jealous of you. And just as you had to endure the "Elsie this and Elsie that", you can bet she heard your name quite a bit too. She's jealous.
I almost pity her because she has to be awfully bitter inside to portray that kind of cruelty on the outside.
She has a lot of serious problems and you need not concern yourself. You're better off to just concentrate on your move and try to enjoy the time you have with your mom. And Bill will get his fill of "Martha this and Martha that" when you leave. :)
I suspect that once you move to Indiana, things will settle down. Unfortunately for Bill, Elsie may turn on him.
Remember she's not renting the space in your head so she can't stay there.

((((((HUGS, HUGS AND MORE HUGS!!!!!))))))

Love, Barb

Thanks for your good advice, and for caring about the hassles I am in ... isn't it great how we can help each other, without knowing much about the other person. We know enough ..we are in the same leaky boat!

M

Moo Moo is a Poo Poo Head

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LOVE IT .. LOVE IT .. LOVE IT ....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Love a sunday giggle

Hugs
Sally

Bill is immune to such criticisms. I don't know how, but he became the kind of person who rests in his own self, knows he is doing what is best or doing his best, and doesnt care what others may think about him. He already had hassles with Moo.

The time came when I was afraid to leave Mom home all day , and worse, going out to the Senior center or to the pool alone .. and the neighbors were stopping me to say 'your mom really shouldn't be out alone' but before Bill got her to agree to pay for 2 six hour days of the HHA, much time went by.. August to October. We originally thought the aide can take her out on 4 days, and then on fridays, Mom can just stay at home, she will be OK if she doesnt go out.

WELL, of course, I got home after work on the first Friday and she was gone. Her swimming bag was gone, so I went to the pool - 4 city blocks from here. Mom was talking to the pool staff, telling them "My Aide brought me here and said she'd be right back, but she hasnt come! I have been waiting for her for hours." The pool owner was going to walk her home, when I came in. Mom, you were supposed to stay home today, it's Candy's day off. " No I called her and she said she would come in, and she did come and take he here. But she forgot all about me!"

(We cannot call, the Agency has their phone numbers; we don't. Mom could NOT have called her.)

Well Bill then told Elsie it isn't working out with a 4 day week, we need 5 six hour days. She balked. 'If you think so, YOU pay for the extra day. I agreed to pay for 2 days, and that's all I am going to do.'

So, he knows. He is ready for anything from that direction. He doesn't argue, he just pays it. I was exempted because I do the 7 day carework, and because I am the 'poorest' of us all. Bill also decided not to use Mom's savings for this, but keep that for the worst case scenario; it might buy 6 or 7 months of nursing home care before it is all gone.

So .. she may criticise him, but it won't affect him. I am the one with the easily damaged ego; I guess it came from years in a bad marriage with put downs the order of the day ... I got my self esteem back through 5 years of teaching at church schools with great success (not financial) but being loved by kids, parents and colleagues.

Love,

Martha

Hi Martha,

I agree with the others, that Moo and her response aren't worth fretting and stewing over. It would be nice if you and she could have a cordial relationship in the future, but you'd always have to be aware that you cannot count on her support or even kindness. It's a shame, but it would be worse for you to be bothered by her outrageous behavior (send Mom home with dirty clothes?? :nono: ) and her mean words. :mad: Hope you can shrug it off as Elsie just being Elsie. It's clear that you're the better person!

How exciting that you have your ticket for your trip home!!!!!!! How wonderful to imagine your new home, new furniture chosen because you liked the pieces, pictures that please you on the walls, looking out of new windows at new scenes. Joy!!

In the last 2 years, I've dealt with my grandparent's home that my aunt lived in until her death, and am dealing with my Mother's home. In these last weeks in NYC, as you look around the apartment, think carefully about what small things might mean a lot to you in your new life - bookends, a serving dish, whatever - and that will speak to you of your witty energetic mother, of your father, or of special memories. I treasure my grandmother's sewing basket and her treadle machine, a framed little painting that used to hang in her bedroom, and other things. Do consider it again before the opportunity is gone.

Hugs and blessings - Barbara :)

That's a great idea. Barbara. There are a couple of things I'll ask m Mom for.

Now for the latest big news: Bill and Anna are selling their house, to move nearer to their son and daughter in law and new baby to be born in June. It's only 20 or 30 miles East of NYC, on Long Island. The 'kids' bought a house there a couple of years ago. Bill says Anna wants to be the childcare person when the new mother goes back to work, and Bill says there is nothing keeping them in Queens any more ...no jobs, his PT job is also on Long Island, Mom will be with them and not in Astoria ..and Queens is getting so expensive and crowded. They think they can sell their house and get one equally good and come out more than even.

I didn't tell Mom this news yet. She is just barely getting to accept moving to their current house, which she knows well. Today she said 'save newspapers - we have to wrap up my good china for the move' - the first time she ever acknowledged this move was happening.

Now I hope they sell and buy with such speed that Mom goes right to the NEW house, but if not, they will also handle a move after a while. It will be a strange feeling for me not to have family in New York City .. no one to stay with when I want to stock up on cheap clothes on Steinway Sreet ... no one 3 subway stops from Manhattan! Bill and Anna live quite further out already, a bus and a train to Manhattan.

Life is just one major change after the other, and learning to accept them is the key to happiness, I think ..

Love
Martha

Hi Dear Friends!

I am feeling so much better since receiving all your support. I am far less worried about what Moo Poo is thinking about me, Mom or anybody ..and far more living from day to day. I am glad Mom did not return much worse but pretty much the same after 3 weeks. She also seems to accept the necessary move, but is so confused about time and space that yesterday she told me it is May 4. COLD, driving rain, flooding, and the merry month of May!

She decided not to go to church so it will be a normal Sunday ..when she gets up and has eaten, we'll make plans to walk to a nice lunch somewhere. She gets to choose, as long as the place she wants is not closed since 1940.

I hope she smells Ok and does not spill too much food on herself.

Among the dirty wash in her suitcase were several new underpants. Looks like MooPoo threw out the dirty ones if they were TOO soiled, just as I do. Then replaced them and sent those home, unwashed. I am waiting for Mom to get up and go into the bathroom so I can grab all her used stuff and take it to the laundromat early this morning. E of course has a washer and drier in the basement.

I got news from 2 old friends in Germany this morning, and that always makes me happy. One of them has an elderly MIL at a nursing home, and knows all the symptoms, whether old age or dementia. The other cares for her 86 year old father at home, who still drives and should not! I think if anyone reaches my age and has NOT had to care for an AD patient, they are wonderfully lucky.

Maybe it is a 'required course' we all have to take in order to graduate. Well, Sally and Barb will graduate summa cum laude! Barbara is now teaching the course!

Love,

Martha

Here's a quote from my oldest son, in a group letter to me and the two siblings:

I have been following the discussion between mom and Elsie, or rather mom´s
side of the story because Elsie never writes e-mails. But I know Elsie a
little bit from the few times we´ve met over thanksgiving while I was in
college and I know her as a person with a philosophy of positive thinking in
general, not only related to grandma. I think she found it useful if not
existential to develop such an attitude to cope with A***, as he was a very
difficult child, and it seems to have worked wonders for A***´s development.
I don´t know Elsie well enough to know if she really is as happy inside as
she seems on the outside. In any case, it sure beats moaning about life, as
most people - especially Germans - do. Smile and the world smiles with
you...).

A is her youngest child, now 37, who was thought to be autistic as a young child but turned out fine. Maybe this is why she tends to deny reality and live in a happy world of her own. Maybe I am judging her too harshly.

Love,

Martha

Maybe you're right. I always thought denial worked rather well for me as a child. It was a tool I needed to survive. But denial turned sour on me in adulthood. I guess I assumed it did for everyone. Maybe that's not the case. :confused: Just when I think I figured it all out..... :D
Anyway, I'm so glad you're feeling much better about things. It feels really good not to worry.

Love, Barb

Hi -

I just have a minute to write, but have to say I think if a person is happy on the inside, they do not feel the need to dump on others, to belittle anyone, and to act as if the difficulties are the caregiver's fault. Moo may have been happy on the outside then, but her words and behavior tell a different story about her inner happiness now. She's forgotten to count her own blessings.

Hugs - Barbara :)

Good point, Barbara !

I am also thinking about the time, very recently, when her daughter brought her granddaughter, J, to look at colleges in their area. (They live near Phila******a) saying, if she has any problems at college and needs someone, you and Dad will be nearby. My BIL said "I don't even know if I'll be alive in a year." That would be when J started college. He is only 67!!! Now she is looking in Virginia ..where she could be near her Uncle A and his wife. E and J virtually said no, don't count on us.

A few yrs ago when E and J retired, a similar thing happened. They actually looked at condos in the area where their daughter lives, with 2 school age kids. Their daughter encouraged them to come, saying, if I am ever unable to be home, the kids could go to your house after school. E said to me at that time, "alarm bells went off in my head ..I am not going there to be a baby sitter!" and they stayed in Ohio.

So .. it's not just 'being optimistic."

Love,

Martha

Does E and J's daughter use them or has she in the past?

Barbara has a solid point, as always....there is no excuse for the way E treated you. That is pure evil. But once you stop trying to get answers from her and stop letting her upset you, it won't be fun for her anymore.

The best way to get back at someone for doing wrong to you is to show them you're above responding to their evil. The funniest thing is you get back at them and they don't even know it! They just know that the button they used to push isn't working anymore. :)

My husband used to say things to me that would really hurt-I mean HURT. We'd get into this huge fight because I was defending myself. That was until I learned that trying to reason with an irrational person is as fruitless as donning armor to protect myself from a nuclear explosion. :eek: It's no use arguing or trying to explain yourself to an irrational person. They only hear their side of things anyway.

And if Elsie starts looking for a place to MOOOOOOve again, Old McDonald will be glad to have her!

Old McDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I (((pause)))

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

Love, Barb

Update: Elsie wrote email, although she has not yet received my snail mail letter. AGAIN she says Mom was perfect. She even says "Jack told me to tell you Mom did not make a singel inappropriate remark in all the 3 weeks," Now, I know this is not so because unknown to her Jack sent us one e-mail, mainly about the headphones, in which he emphasized that Mom is unable to ever live alone again, cannot take her pills by herself, forgets names and places, talks about 2 different concerts as if they were the same one, etc. So HE certainly did not say TELL her ..no inappropriate behavior!

This is the clinch for me, she is obviously making it up and not because she really believes it, but in order to tell me I am wrong. She also says NOT watching TV is the reason. Mom is only confused here because I have theTV on.

Well it's not me but Mom who turns on the TV and watches almost anything that happens to be on. I don't like it. I don't force her to ... I am only the jail warden after all, and she has TV privileges, or should I cut them off?

Sorry Mom, no more TV. Elsie's orders??

I am now convinced that no real communication is possible and I am pretty sure she will ignore my letter.

She says I miss Mom so much! and yet, Sunday night, did not call!!

Now I hope to close this subject for all time and concentrate on doing my jobs well until I get parole on June 16th..

Love,

Martha

Parole .............

no truer words were ever spoken

Hugs
Sally

Barb, Elsie's children have never to my knowledge taken advantage of her. All 3 live far away (as do mine)- hers in VA, PA and NV. The only daughter has 2 kids, the oldest a junior in high school. E's daughter works part time. They have a modest house. Not rich but OK. It is true that Jack and Elsie usually pay for a group vacation once a year for themselves and the daughter's family .. but that is their own choice, no one asked them to do it. I think Elsie just thought having to be home when school lets out every day would cramp her life style, the same reason she gave me a year ago for not having Mom live with them.

"I'd love to have her here, but she cramps our life style." I asked what about MY life style? My whole life is my job, Mom, my job, Mom, my job, a short visit to one of my kids, Mom, my job. Not even time for a movie! Not even time for a dinner without Mom. No sign of dating or a man friend .. all that was put on 'hold' for 5 years... I guess she thinks a separated person doesn't GET a life style ..nothing to lose, so spend your whole life with Mom .. and then get attacked for doing it all wrong ..

Martha

You didn't get attacked for doing it all wrong. You got attacked because Elsie is a big Moo Moo cow pie!!! Now that you've given me a better understanding, there doesn't seem to be a nice bone in her body. Every nice thing you've mentioned about her seems to be done with a "look at me.see what I've done" attitude. She wants attention. Any kind will do. that's why you must not pay her any attention. That's the only way she might stop belittling you. You don't need that. You don't deserve that. And you don't have to tolerate that! I wish I could go to Ohio and slap some sense into her but there's one problem. There has to be a bit of sense to slap around. And since she's got none, well....BOO HOO-POOR MOO MOO! NOTTTTT! ;)

Anyway, as much as I LOVE to call her MOO MOO, I shall not mention her again. You're right. It's time to MOOOOve on (sorry, couldn't help it! :D ).

Ok. I'm over it now.... :)

Don't worry about it, Martha. And about dating-you'll be free soon. Maybe a few weeks or months after you move, you'll tell us you're dating a tall, dark and handsome HOOSIER? I'll keep my fingers crossed. :)

Love, Barb

Martha, sorry I did not respond sooner, Hubby was great on Saturday, but awful Sunday and today. So could not write anything, he has not let me out of his sight for two days.

I do not know your whole story but am thrilled you have the one way ticket!! That is such a major step and am thrilled also that you will have your "own" apartment. I know it is down the road a bit, but sooo much to look forward to.

I too sometimes, altho later it fills me with guilt, picture myself alone someday. I dream of reading a whole book without interruption or even seeing for once a movie from the beginning to end.

So I know you are soooo going to enjoy your new freedom and girl---you have earned it.

Do not let anyone else---moo moo--- especially deter you from your new life.

You go girl--hugs, Linda

Final word on this subject: E got her husband to write me e-mail in answer to my letter. He says he hopes Mom's problem will not come between my sister and me. He also says she never said "YOU were the jailer, she only said Mom felt that way when she was with her Aide." I don't think so. The aide had no authority over her, and in fact was often frstrated by Mom's insistence , for example, that they ought to walk in front of cars to cross on the red light. I am convinced that I was the one the prisoner had escaped from. But now I will lay that subject to rest, while at the same time NOT writing to my sister for awhile. I need to get through each day, one at a time, and not mope around because of what some outside person may think of me.
Meanwhile B and A are flying off to New Orleans today for a much needed vacation, only 5 days. I'll be happy when they return. It is always scary to be the ONLY family member here in NY with Mom, just in case anything goes wrong.

Or do I simply worry far too much? I used to be much more optimistic .. now I often feel "I can't cope with this." Maybe its because I can't! I ask for strength from God, every day.

Love,

Martha

That last sentence-I am so happy you said that! :)

Prayer keeps me going too. And you guys are the whip cream icing on the cake!

Love, Barb