I posted many months ago with questions about my moms lung cancer and pain management and got lots of advice. Now I am here needing help to cope with losing her. She bravely battled lung cancer for just over 19 months and though we knew the end was near, I don't think we were at all prepared. She had been doing "ok" until last Wednesday. She'd been in more pain the last couple of weeks (she still refused to take anything stronger than Tylenol 3 & 4 because of problems she had with stronger medications earlier) but I don't think any of us thought she would go when she did. Last Wednesday, she simply told my Dad that she had had enough and was ready to give up. Thursday night she called my sister and asked her to spend the night (we set up a twin bed in her room so we could stay when she needed us, my Dad is there too, as well as my brother). I stayed on Friday night and my brother stayed with her on Saturday so my sister and I could be with our families Easter morning. Easter Sunday she seemed drastically worse, she hadn't hardly drank anything in a day or two and had eaten absolutely nothing. I went over there twice that day and then decided to spend the night. I held her hand early in the evening and asked her again to tell me that she believed in God, she nodded, and I asked her to tell me again that we would all be together again, she again nodded. This was the last of our communication. Later in the evening I held her hand and she grasped mine with both hands, only to seem to "listen" to our hands, she kept pulling them to her ears, I don't know why. The thing is, I layed on the twin bed later that night and fell asleep (I work full time, have 3 kids and had gotten little sleep the last two nights). The bedroom light and the TV were on and the TV kept making this loud buzz sound (4 times during the night) that would wake me. It is my regret that I didn't wake enough to go to her bed and hold her, I feel like that is what the buzz was for, for me to be awakened to be with her. Each time I awoke, I looked at her and she was always awake, looking around the room. I'm having a very hard time with the fact that maybe she needed me and couldn't tell me. I awoke at 6:00 am and she was gone.... and I am struggling immensely. One minute I KNOW that she is out of pain, in heaven, watching down over me and the next I feel like I cannot accept that I will not see her for the rest of my life, almost like a panic feeling inside. I know so many others have gone through the same thing, I'm just needing encouragement. My husband keeps telling me that though she was awake during the night that her mind wasn't really there and that she wouldn't have known if I had held onto her, that she was moving on and in her own world. Is he right? Thanks so much for taking time to read this, and to anyone who opts to reply, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Mimirea, I'm so sorry you've lost your precious mother. I recently lost my beloved Grandfather, (who was like a father to me) and I do certainly understand your grief. I can tell you that although it seems like the hurt will never fade, it does get better. Knowing that our loved ones are in Heaven -- happy and restored to health -- helps to cope with the loss.

One thing I've found that is absolutely essential to healing from this grief is to stop second-guessing and "what-if'ing." We're human, and that's hard to do, but we have to try. Dwelling on the could've, should've, would've's simply prolong our grief and make us crazy in the process! Instead of regretting the fact that you didn't get up during the night to hold your mother, bask in the comfort of knowing that you were there with her during her last hours and she was very much aware of that. I'm sure she must have been comforted by your very presence.

I know losing someone so close to your heart is devastating; I cry daily and it has been almost 6 weeks since my sweet Papaw entered the Kingdom. But my tears now are only momentary ~ usually coming when I lie down to sleep at night ~ and this fog I've been living in for weeks has finally started to lift. It's perfectly o.k. to grieve your loss, but don't get lost in your grief. Continue to remind yourself that as hard as it is sometimes to accept, this life is so very temporary and death is inevitable for us all. And as long as we are children of God, we do have an eternal future! (Just think how happy your Mother was to be reunited with her loved ones that had passed before! ) Our loved ones are with God, and since God has promised to always be with us, then our loved ones CAN'T be far away! :)
Take care of yourself! You're in my prayers!

Mimirea

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. I think everyone feels there is something more they could have done when they lose someone they love.. It sounds like your mom said her goodbyes and gave permission for you all to let her go. She is now your angel watching over you and she will always be with you. You are in my prayers and a million hugs to you. God Bless you and your family in your time of grieving.
Barb

Thank you both of you. I am doing my best to not get so hung up on the what-ifs, it's very hard. I keep telling myself that I did my best to be there for her throughout and I do know that she knew how very loved she was. I appreciate you both replying, reading what you wrote helps alot.

Dear Mimirea: you seem like an extraordinary daughter and I think your mom knew that. You compassion and your willingness to put this aside to address your needs so enabled your mom to move on becuase she knew that you would OK in this world without her. It's certainly is hard not to second guess - when you mentioned that your mom drew your hands to her like she was trying listen to your hands, this is the image that first came to my mind - she want to touch your hands and she wanted to smell your skin. It with our hands that we reach out to each other, the ways in which moms reach out to their children. SHe may have been passing that on to you. SHe felt your presence by touching your hands and your hands touching her face. It must have been a blessed moment.
Yes, we all have these moments. I was in the room when my father in law died. You have to know that in many ways I loved him more than my own father. I layed my head back on the chair and within a minute he was gone. The hospice nurse said that it seemed as soon as closed my eyes he went. ANd I think that it happens that way because the dieing need to know that their family members are at peace.

Thank you cflas. I appreciate what you said. It comforts me to know that I did hold her hand and that when I did she held onto me with both hands. Your view brought a smile to my face. I think my mom worried alot about us all being ok, I have always seemed to be the one who is not so strong but I found strength in the end that I never knew I had. My husband keeps telling me that I am very strong, I just don't realize it. Perhaps she did know that I was at peace, I will always hope that she did know that I was there with her all night. I am very sorry for the loss of your father in law, thank you so very much for your input.

Just a quick note: as you move through next weeks, when your loss will becoming more of reality, please don't hesitate to use this site. It is a blessing for so many of us... Take care.

Mimirea,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom in December to Lymphoma and we all miss her so much. I can understand that you wanted to be with her at her moment of death. My Mom died on my little sisters 40th birthday. She ran home to have a quick dinner with her husband and little girls. During that brief hour she was gone, my Mom passed away. She is having a terrible time and feeling like she let my Mom down by not being there and holding her hand and helping her through it. Speaking from experience, I think that your husband is right. At the time my Mom died she was not aware of what was happening. I think her senses were pretty much "shut down" by then. She was not at all aware of what we were saying to her. She had already let go, and that was just her final step. I tried to tell my sister that she was with my Mom throughout her entire illness and right up until her final hour. My Mom knew that, and that is what was important. You may not have been right there holding your Mom, but you were with her. I think spiritually your Mom knew you were there. Your Mom felt your love for her while she was alive, and she feels it now.
I know just what you're going through. The feeling of panic that you will never see her again. I still wake up in the morning and think "oh my gosh, she's really gone". I felt almost guilty that she was gone and I was still here. But she used to say to me all the time "It is what it is Kathleen". I know that she gave me my life and I owe it to her to carry on the best I can without her. I miss her so much. I guess it just takes time. That sounds trite, I know. But it is getting better day by day.
Our family is honoring my Mom by making sure we remain a strong and loving family unit. She was the center of it, and what better way to show our love for her? I will be thinking about you and your family, and hoping that your love for each other (and your Mom) will help you through this difficult time.
Kathy