For 6 months, my Mom has been dying before my eyes and my sister and her husband have put my mother in a nursing home and moved into her subsudized apartment. My sister has taken ove my mother's finances and will not put a telephone in the nursing home so that Mom can stay connected to her world; which is getting smaller as she ages. To keep fuss down to a minimum; I have emersed myself in work, but before my 2 hour drive; I go to the nursing home to see my mother. We always talked before she went to bed and almost 4 or 5 times a day. I did not report my sister when I came to L A to find mother had fallen and was soaked with urine. But the physical therapist and MD from Kaiser were aware of my sister leaving Mom home alone for hours without assistance.
How can I make sure that my sister and her husband do not misuse mother's apartment and finances? I do not want to cause any problems, and I made a promise to Mom that I would not; for her sake. But I see mom slowly slipping into a vegetative state which may be prevented with a little care and consideration. HELP!

Tee Tee, has your mother made a will? Do you or your sister have power of Attorney? (This is only good as long as she lives) Who did she make executrix of her will? These are important questions, and what you should do is contact a lawyer concerning this situation. If you feel your sister might not handle your moms finances as they should be handled, DEFINATELY see a LAWYER. NOW is the time to take care of this matter. Don't put it off. A lawyer will know what you should do. Hang in there, and best of luck.Betty D.

Originally posted by TeeTeeLyte2:
For 6 months, my Mom has been dying before my eyes

TeeTee--sounds like a lot is going on with you and the family. I can only offer some general help.. If your mom is in a skilled nursing facility, it must be medically necessary. Some people just cannot do skilled nursing, esp. for their loved ones. If her condition is somewhat stable, she could possibly go home with either home health care or hospice. The problem there is the care is not round the clock. If your Mom lives in subsidized housing, chances are she is on Medicaid. There is no money for people on Medicaid, maybe 20 bucks at the end of the month. Maybe your sister and brother-in-law have moved in so your Mom won't lose the apartment? I am a nurse and took care of my Mom in my own home and sadly, there are times when they do become soaked with urine... I might have been taking a shower or making dinner when it happened and just didn't get to her quick enough. Your mom probably tried to get out of bed to get to the bathroom and fell. I am not excusing anyone who intentionally gives poor care, just asking you to think of the whole picture. Many babies wake up every morning "urine soaked". If you promised your Mom you would stay calm, then please stay calm. Keep the lawyers out of it and just talk to your sister, without accusation. Remember that everyone is looking for someone to blame... If these are really your Mom's last months to live, give her and you and your sister wonderful memories to last! Laugh, hug, cry and remember all the good times. Trust me, there is more than enough time when she is gone to point fingers... if you need to. God bless you for seeing your mom every day, how important those visits are.. Why don't you put the phone in her room? You might even be able to get a deal from the phone company.... Best of luck to you and yours..


and my sister and her husband have put my mother in a nursing home and moved into her subsudized apartment. My sister has taken ove my mother's finances and will not put a telephone in the nursing home so that Mom can stay connected to her world; which is getting smaller as she ages. To keep fuss down to a minimum; I have emersed myself in work, but before my 2 hour drive; I go to the nursing home to see my mother. We always talked before she went to bed and almost 4 or 5 times a day. I did not report my sister when I came to L A to find mother had fallen and was soaked with urine. But the physical therapist and MD from Kaiser were aware of my sister leaving Mom home alone for hours without assistance.
How can I make sure that my sister and her husband do not misuse mother's apartment and finances? I do not want to cause any problems, and I made a promise to Mom that I would not; for her sake. But I see mom slowly slipping into a vegetative state which may be prevented with a little care and consideration. HELP!



[This message has been edited by Borgieskid (edited 04-12-2001).]

Thanks LiceN and Borgieskid. I really, really appreciate your suggestions.
We do not have money for a lawyer and all I can do at this point is utilize Quicken Family Lawyer's softwear program to get something legally in writing. But, I can only pray that we can make her comfortable in spite of the nursing home and her health problems.
I appreciate anyone's input and I realize there is no easy answer. I am simply trying to prevent and ill feelings towards my sister and her husband (while Mom is alive) in spite of they way they have taken over.
Prayer and Luck have always been on my side and yesterday, I found a convalescent home within a few blocks of my Los Angeles apartment. I spoke with the staff and they are at this moment getting the face sheet, medication and health history faxed to them so that Mom can be #4 on their waiting list. I just had a friend to lose her mother suddenly and she was not even sick. This situation, along with LiceN and Borgieskid's sincere suggestions has given me focus on how to proceed. My only problem now will be to move out of the way and let God take over, whatever HIS will may be.
Thanks again.

hi, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Mom has come to live with me to die. It has only been 2 weeks. she was staying at mt sisters for 6 months, now it is my turn. My sisters kids are grown, mine are 5&9. Mom arrived with an infection, which made her not be able to move at all, My sister said she could at least pull her pants up and down, and get to the bathroom with her walker with guidance. I had a back injury in 98, so I have to be careful, I'm only 42, work out alot, but you know BACKS!

We have decided not to put Mom in a nursing home, she was a great Mom, we just couldn't. Well, yesterday was her 70 birthday.I got balloons went to pick up her Mom who is 91. I had a splitting headache, so I was in my room for awhile, letting them have their visit. Nana is in great shape, walks everywhere, very alert, but still 91. Nana was reading her cards, my kids running around. They called me for a cigarette, my temper was on edge, I said "doesn't anyone in this house know how to do anything but me" I was meaning husband, children, grandmmother, mother. I was starting to lose it and went back upstairs.Then I cooked dinner for everyone, ate nothing myself, once again, keep on losing weight the wrong way, through stress, my kids started with a fever and cold, I've been ignoring their needs for 2 weeks. I was hoping it was the adjustment, plus her infection is starting to go away, so she is getting stronger. Well, I gave her dinner, she started screaming at me" How dare you leave me alone with that woman for 6 hrs? This has been the most miserable birthday I have ever had. " She has something against her Mom which I cannot be involved, Nana always wants to know why she can't come over, what do I say? Because Mom can't stand you? So, my anger was boiling inside, I looked and felt like hell, so I told Mom that she better start being a bit more grateful and that her Mom came over to give her presents on her birthday, and if she has a problem she needs to tell her, I will not be involved. In the meantime, Nana heard the whole thing, mom is 95% blind, she was insulting Nana right in front of her. I said Mom, Nana is here. Thank you she said in an evil and angry manner. Well, after my comment to her, she threw the dinner in my face, across the room. It ended up being a brawl. Nana was crying, I was shaking, and Mom said she was walking out the door to Nanas the one she can't stand. I cried for hours, needed to take 3 lorazepam, should of earlier in the day.

Had a long talk with my husband. Mom needs to understand that her DRS believe she should be in a nursing home, WE are doing this out of love and care for her to be more comfortable. Nursing homes are horrible.Mom was in one for a month, 7 months ago, we don't want to bring her back. They want the patient to be totally dependant, they put you in diapers, there are lunies running around.

At the end of the night, after I tucked her in and did the nightime routine I explained to her that if she was mad at me and not comfortable that a nursing home will only give her a moldy piece of ham, AND WILL not bring her out to SMOKE when she wants. I told her i was doing the best I could, and that there had been too much anger in me right now, I have to let it go, and go to bed. And that I didn't want to fight anymore.I know she feels like a burden, she has said this to me, although i say no. I have GAD and panic, my DRS say this is only going to make matters worse for me and my own family. My sister said that she can't take Mom back, she needs to make money, she devoted 6 months to mom, spoiling her. Well, I cannot do that for my own mental sanity and my family. I am a wreck, and it has only been a bit over 2 weeks. I've already had to call 911, neither my husbdand or myself could pick her up, she was sick. Hopefully things will get better, last week it started with a nurse, a home health aid to bathe her, a PT, and OT.I had given her 3 baths in 6 days and was in serious pain. This is 24 hr care even if they aren't on any medication. Mom needs more care than a baby. I'm trying my best, but I am human, how much can I handle?

Just so everyone knows: When terminal illness strikes your parents, the siblings seem to always have disagreements, its happening with us, and some others I know. It comes down to $$$ and care, nothing is a free ride, my sister lost alot of income, now we are. My sister is POA, I have access to maybe 20,000$, which i plan to use if need be. I cannot drain my family either, like my sister did. I am different from her, I'm very open, realistic, and see my boundries. Mom bossed my sis around, I cannot let that happen. My whole family is suffering so far in every aspect, even my health, I look like hell.

Just want you all to know, I know how hard it is to see your loved one suffer, it is so hard. Also, if someone is put in a nursing home, insurance only covers a certain amount of days, then it comes out of your own pockets, unless you have no money. Nursing home expenses are from 3000$-10,000$ a month. It cost so much, because thse elderly people require so much care. Anyhow, if you bring someone home to die, BE PREPARED. I thought I was. I'm going through hell. And anyone who reads this I wish the best to you and your family, it is not easy!! Any suggestions, or if I can give you my 2 cents and support, please write back. Wendy Happy Holiday!

Dear TeeTee, God bless you for the time you spend with your Mother.Once she is gone you will feel a great peace for doing it. You must love her very much and I applaud you. Your sister is breaking the law by using her apt. It's just a matter of time till she gets caught. So the end result will not be good for her. Often during these hard times alot of emotions flair up.God knows your heart and everything that is going on. He will take care if it! You also must take care of YOU! Than your family and then your Mother. My Gram lived till 99. The last months I could not do it all. So she was put in a home. Yes it broke my heart but I did keep a watch and see her almost daily. It wore me out and it took me 5 months to recover from careing for her. I would do it a bit diffrently next time around. A will. A living will. A DNR. All these things are very important.A nursing home can provide all the paper work for these. If she is going to stay with either one of you. The council on aging will give you alot of help, it's free, or a very small charge. Worth looking into. As hard as it is, try and keep peace. These are the last days of her life and the most important thing you can do is tell her about Jesus Christ and his love for her. If you are not a church person, just call a church, and someone will come out and guide you with it all.Knowing Him is more important than money or material things. Hope you get some rest. God bless you again for careing for her. sincerely,kathryn2

Hi Tee Tee,
Oh my how I know so well what you are going through. My dad died in 98 and my mom came to live with my husband and I. She was with us for almost 9 years and I could see her going downhill. She was in diapers and I had to sponge bath her, etc. I have a full time job plus my hubby works, thank God we have no children. I was so irritated all the time and had no time to myself. My sister lives in another state and of course, maybe a phone call once a month from her. Everything was on my shoulders. I prayed so hard to God to please help me take care of my mom till I ended up with gastritis twice. One day this past April my mom fell in the kitchen. Thank God my hubby comes home for lunch as he heard her crying out for help. He called 911 and to the hospital she went. They kept her for 3 days and then came the decision, do you want her to go home or put into a nursing home, mind you my mom is 99yrs. I told them a nursing home wasnt an option. We brought mom home but couldnt get her into the house as she couldnt walk up the steps. I got on the phone to the doctor and demanded that he put her into rehab to build up the strength in her legs. After much hassle and paper work she got into a nursing home with rehab. The first meeting my hubby and I had with the staff they made the decision for me. They didnt feel it was safe for mom to be home alone anymore and needed 24 hour care. This was the hardest thing for me to accept. I cried night after night and wondered why this choice was made for me. I go 3 times a week or more to visit my mom, but so many things have gone wrong. Her hearing aid was lost, they had to replace it, she got a staph infection in her leg, she is a diabetic, she had bronchitis and she had some clothes that went missing. She cries all the time and this november she will be 100yrs. I love her so much and feel so terrible for all these things and blame myself. Sometimes I even pray that God take her so she can be with my dad who she adored. I always take my camera and take pictures of her not knowing if this will be the last day I see her alive. I hope the right choice was made, I still question it. The main thing is that taking care of her was affecting my health and my marriage as I was so angry all the time. Now I can visit her, comb her hair, talk to her and just try to be a good daughter to her. Cherish the moments you have with your mom, Just pray to God for the answer, he will listen. Take care and God bless you.

It is not that expensive to get a Power of Attorney. I had similar issues with my siblings so my mother had a POA drawn and (my mind is going blank here) another document which enables ME to make any decisions regarding my mom's health (my sister once had my mother on some antipsychotic med when my mother had a blood clot from the chemo was on. If she was acting crazy, it was because of the clot and the flow of blood not getting to her head but my sister authorized this drug which made my mom's condition worse....after that, this document was drawn up.

There are free legal consultation offices. They should be able to draw up these documents for close to nothing. you NEED to do this.