I have been the primary caregiver for my wife of 56 going on 57 years. Some 3 years ago she had an operation for colon cancer and she has slowly deteriorated to house bound status. Our family suddenly became much too busy to call or visit. Their only contribution has been to advise me to put her in a nursing home. My only response to that advice is too profane to print here. When I go in her room in the morning to wake her up I hug her and tell her that I love her and recently I can feel the desperation and the clinging in her responding hug. It makes all thw work, worry, fatigue, and other unpleasant side effects disappear. I will keep my pledge of our wedding day and I will have her with me "till death do us part" Undoubtly unanticipated problems will arise but I will find a way to cope. I would like to correspond by E-Mail with other care givers, wife or husband, on the joys and satisfaction on caregiving for a needy spouse.<sandy59@earthlink.net>. Have a good year. Jugghd

My prayers and good wishes go with you.I know how hard it is to care for someone who needs so much care.

Blessings ,

Googy

You certainly show love and devotion to your wife. I know she can feel that love in your care for her. Caregiving is a full time job, and one I find myself caught up in 24/7. You are correct that there will be all kinds of suggestion for you and your wife, but you hold fast to how you want to handle YOUR situation. There will come a time when some changes will come about, but we won't worry about that until the time comes. I admire you for your devotion, and send my prayers.
Love, Betty D.

Originally posted by silentthunder:
I have been the primary caregiver for my wife of 56 going on 57 years.

What a wonderful person you are! I'm sure your wife would do the same for you. I won't defend your family, but maybe offer some insight for you. There are those who are so uncomfortable and afraid of sickness, of not knowing what to do. Some are afraid they will cause harm. There are many people in nursing homes because of those feelings. Instead of just doing what needs to be done, they want "professionals" to do it. Placing a loved one in a nursing home somehow makes them feel they are doing the best thing. Remember, those loved ones are concerned about you too! And caring for your wife does take a toll. I'm not defending them, just hoping you will look at their fear in a different way. I'm hoping you have some home health in, and check on your local county's senior services. We took care of my Mom and had nursing services, also got meals on wheels and housekeeping services. Medicare took care of visiting nurses (the doc has to order it), meals on wheels is paid by donations, and senior services is income based. We had housekeeping twice a week for $25.00 a month... Maybe the rest of the family could help out in other ways... cook a nice meal, do the laundry, etc. Don't be afraid to ask them for that type of help, I'm sure they would be relieved. I went through the same thing with my brother... he was basically helpless and I was angry at him... Everything was left to me. One day I said "would you do me a favor and take the clothes out of the dryer?" He jumped to his feet and helped out and never stopped... He just couldn't handle the physical care.... Next time they visit, ask them to do something small for you. You would be amazed at how much they really do want to help, but just feel helpless... Prayers to all of you. And God bless you for being such a loving and devoted husband...... Kay


Some 3 years ago she had an operation for colon cancer and she has slowly deteriorated to house bound status. Our family suddenly became much too busy to call or visit. Their only contribution has been to advise me to put her in a nursing home. My only response to that advice is too profane to print here. When I go in her room in the morning to wake her up I hug her and tell her that I love her and recently I can feel the desperation and the clinging in her responding hug. It makes all thw work, worry, fatigue, and other unpleasant side effects disappear. I will keep my pledge of our wedding day and I will have her with me "till death do us part" Undoubtly unanticipated problems will arise but I will find a way to cope. I would like to correspond by E-Mail with other care givers, wife or husband, on the joys and satisfaction on caregiving for a needy spouse.<sandy59@earthlink.net>. Have a good year. Jugghd

[This message has been edited by Borgieskid (edited 03-22-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Borgieskid (edited 03-22-2001).]

Hi Thunder, Wow, You are an amazing man.

I'm a 35 year old male who was disabled 2 years ago. My wife has stuck in there with me through 3 terible back surgeries and now I'm considering having a morphine pump implanted for the constant pain.

These types of straines more often than not destroy marriages and relationships. On the flip side they also strengthen a strong one.

I check in on the caregivers fromm time to time to see how you guys are holding up.

I'm much younger but have been married for 13 years and I know we will be together until the end. I'm old school if you want to call it that.

I have never straighed from the marriage or even considered it. I just wanted you to know that the young poeple of today have not all lost their morals and some took their vows with certainty.

I admire the people of older generations and often I feel was born too late. I hate to see what is happining with this me me me morality.

You are a real man in every sense of the word. God bless, David

Hi all,
I am relatively new to the boards here. I am a young (27)wife to a wonderful man that was in a work related accident back in 1995. He was hit by a forklift, and due to that has had spinal fusion, and is in constant pain all the time. It is very frustrating for him to deal day by day. I met him on the computer 4 and a half years ago and we got married in 1998. His first wife left him because of his injury. I knew what he was when i met him and decided that i loved him enough to help him through. I know every day that i am blessed to have found such a wonderful, brave man. He fights every day of his life to live with the pain hoping that one day he will have relief. What makes it worse is that his friends have abandoned him as well as his family. My family is more supportive than his own and mine are 3 states away. It is truly sad that when someone is disabled, that the people who are supposed to love them the most have a harder time dealing than the person who is injured. I would think it the other way around. Yes we do have arguements and sometimes it is hard to go everyday seeing the person you love in too much pain to enjoy things that I take for granted, but I do it because I love him so much. Well I guess I just wanted to let you all know that I know what it is like to be a caregiver and I wish you all luck.
thanks

Thank you for posting your beautiful story. That is what love is- a commitment. May God continue to give you the strength ,and wisdom ,to finish the task he has set before you. Sincerely, kathryn2

I am on the other side of the spectrum. I have been a professional caregiver for 30 + years. After reading these beautiful posting of love, honor, and commitment, I just had to respond and share my feelings of how great your love and devotion are. You all are what makes this world a more beautiful place to live in. It is quite a challenge to take on your spouse's total care 24/7. I do it for a living but I can go home after 8 hours. I can relate to the hardships and frustrations that you go through on a daily basis. I stand up and applaud your "Love. honor, and cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do you part". I was raised in the days when people were as good as their word, and sealed it with a hand shake. My husband tells me those days are gone. Well, I tell him that I know those days are not totally gone. For it's people like you "good people" who still keeps those days alive. Please know that there is professional caregivers who really do care. You have all blessed me with your love and devotion and commitment to your spouse. God bless you all,

------------------

I am a 24 yo research student currently but I have worked as a caregiver/companion to older disabled women as a part-time job almost all my life. I have always gotten caregiver jobs through the recommendations of people I knew or worked with. I am now moving out of state (to Florida) and am not sure how to look for a caregiver/companion job there without signing up with an agency (which I really do not want to do-- agency people seem too cold). Should I just place an ad in the local newspaper? Or does anyone know of any other resources I might look into such as a website that links patients and caregivers for a resonable fee?

What a beautiful heart-felt post. God Bless You for being such a wonderful, loving, caring husband to your wife.

mab

Silentthunder,

I really think that you are a special man. I agree with your decision not to place your wife in a nursing home. I have worked in several nursing homes, and I have seen the quality of care that it provided and it is not a very nice thing to see. I have been a Personal Care Assistant for 3 months, having taken time off from the healthcare field. I have been caring for elderly and sick people in their homes. This is a much better environment. It is better for the family to care for thier loved one at home, and the loved one needing care is better off in a familiar environment. I would encourage you to investigate the possibilities of getting help from a professional caregiver, so that you could have some time for yourself. I work mainly nights, and this allows the families of the patient to have a break from constant caregiving, and also allows them to have a period of rest, so that they are better able to care for their loved one during daytime hours.

As for your children, I can understand their point of view. They are worried about you doing too much and also becoming ill. And it is very difficult for a child to see their parent in an ill condition. Perhaps you could discuss with them the possibility of assisting you with the cost of a Personal Care Assistant or Certified Nursing Assistant. In that way, you would no longer be totally responsible for your wife, and would be able to get the rest you need.

I hope and pray that all will go well with you and your wife.

I wear a T-Shirt too. It's unbelievably hard. But hang in there if you can!

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

[This message has been edited by babesbarn (edited 11-03-2001).]

hello im new to this but this is in reply to silentthunder i think you are doing the right thing by taking care of your wife as long as you can and till the day you die like your vows say. i am a home health care aid and have been a nursing aid for 5 years now. i have seen so so many people just put their family members in a nursing home and then forget about them just because they couldnt handle it. they come once in awhile to see them yes, but that does not mean anything do they have any idea what theyare doing to that person by doing this to them??? i dont think they do, you have so many workers and so many people comming in and out of that family's room they dont like it at all and all half of them wanna do is " go home" where they are loved and they have their relatives with them and know they will be taken care of the right way.i take great pride in what i do i care so much for the people i take care of and nothing will ever change that. i have had alot die on me that i was very attached to also and thay hurt real bad but i know they are in a better place and god is taking care of them now. but you have alot of nurses aids and nursesalso that dont care about no one in these places all they care about is the money they are making and i dont think thats right. i am not saying all of them are like this just some, ive seen them mistreat alot of the elderly and yes i have had my fights with a few workers just for that reason. but i want to say i think your doing a great job and keep it up until you cant do it anymore then have your family come in and releive you for an hour or so just to give you a break it will do you good i think. i also agree with ljadams what she had to say you need your famliy more then ever to help with this situation and like i said to relieve you when you need it and it starts to get to you just take a deep breath and relax even if its for an hour or half hour. i hope all goes well for you nad god bless you for all your doing, not to many left out there in the world that would do what you are doing.