Hello,

My name is Patty. I am 41, and am so glad to find this message board! I hope you will bear with me as I give some background information?!
I have Systemic Lupus, Fibromyalgia and degenerative disc disease and ongoing knee problems that have required 8 knee ops in the past and 2 this year.
My husband is a hard working loving guy who has never complained about my limitations and is a great support. He does get overloaded as my caregiver at times and we openly discuss our frustrations/his frustrations and we have a very good and open dialogue.
Our/my problem is that we are caring for my 77 year old mother..(She has lived with us 10 of our 13 years of marriage..only gets 200.00 a month in Social Security) She and I have never really had a good relationship...she was brought up to never discuss problems, issues or health. She has hypertension, cateracts and arthritis. She is getting more frail by the day, but her emotions are a rollercoaster...and with my Lupus, it makes it very difficult. She is always upset at how we take care of our house, what decisions we make etc. There are no family members left for her to be with...my father died when I was 4 and my brother died 5 years ago.
She has played with her medications for hypertension, taking herself off of some of them, and refusing to go to the doctor to get her last ones renewed. She doesn't shower or bathe, but takes sink baths (she used to be almost overboard on cleanliness etc)...she will never tell us when she needs something unless we are going out on errands for ourselves and then asks us to make stops for her..(very often we have asked her earlier if she needed something when we were going in that direction and she says no) We try to get her to come with us on her own errands and she refuses. She won't eat with us or share any family time with us. She refuses everytime we ask her. We have given up trying...yet she complains that she never gets to go anywhere.
She seems trapped in the past and only wants to watch the News 24 Hours a day..she goes to sleep with CNN on and wakes up with it on. She doesn't want to get involved with any activity centers or other people her age.
I am almost at the end of my rope..I am not sure what to do, or what to say....I get so frustrated I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. My health has been really bad of late, and it makes things even worse for us all.
Any suggestions? We have tried so much and feel like we have no resources.

Thank you for listening http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif God Bless..

Patty



[This message has been edited by PHeath60 (edited 12-28-2001).]

Patty, I know EXACTLY how you feel, I actually had my mother living w/me since age 50, she's 89 now. I only had a couple of yrs break. I never really got along w/her to begin with so it's hard. She was living in a senior place for awhile then broke her hip & came back here. We took care of her & couldn't go anywhere for 2yrs. I am also raising my grandson who is sickly. My problem now is I have resentments which I don't like to have, I have gotten no help from my brother & his wife. She stayed w/them for awhile yrs ago & hurt her ankle & was brought right back to me in a wheel chair while we had the house for sale. I know how you feel it isn't right for only one person to take everything on. My health was getting very bad, irritable bowel syndrome lost all kinds of weight, husband sick & grandson on IV & my mother was driving me crazy, so demanding. I decided to put her in an assisted living, w/her SS & asked my brother for help, they give 100.mo & I have to give 100.mo & since it takes all her money I have to buy her things & also run over all the time & take her out. They don't live here & have always had freedom I haven't & still do. I finally told them what I think & we're not talking but I couldn't be a phony anymore. So you see even if there is another family member they don't always help. Have you gotten in touch w/senior services where you are, they send someone to help give showers or can help w/things. My mother lived in a senior place & only pd what she could afford. There's got to be an answer for you to get help esp when you don't feel good. I will keep you in my prayers.

Hi redjoy....THANKYOU so much for answering my post!! It makes such a difference to know that I am not alone in this....!!! First and foremost I am sorry that you have had to go through the difficulties you have! Sometimes it seems so overwhelming doesn't it? I will keep you in my prayers too!!

One thing about my mom that I forgot to mention: She was brought up in England, during World War II..and they were very very prim, proper and private over there...even FAMILY didn't help in private care etc. If I brought someone in to try to help..she would just lock herself in her room and refuse to talk, answer the door or anything. Also she has a real problem with Denial...when she lived alone 15 years ago, she got herself into so much trouble with not facing reality (ie spending money unwisely and then lying about what was going on...such as one winter she told me that electric company was working on lines and she was without electricity ..I called the company and they told me they hadn't done any work, that she just hadn't paid her bills...I had to bail her out so many times).

And I had the same thing happen with my brother before he died...he had mom come stay with him and his wife..but his wife said "It's either her or me, take your pick"...obviously she was shipped back to my husband and I...Mom is realllly difficult to live with.

I too have the resenments that I don't want to have, and I feel guilty about them..and I always seem to be sucked into the "fight"...I wish I could just let her be the way she is without it bugging me http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Thank you so much for hearing me vent...it really helps!! I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that things work out better for you...I would be glad to keep posting if you would like?

Take care http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Patty

Patty, it's funny (not really) but my mother was raised to have too much pride (irish) also. She was flipped out when someone came to do her shower because she only had one breast, it was a woman but that didn't matter. I have a bad back & couldn't do it. Now she has a walker & won't go anywhere since someone might see her. I was brought up very proper & always be a lady. I will say my brother did offer to take her awhile ago because I was in bad shape emotionally w/her, I sd ask your wife & it was never brought up again. His wife feels it's my mother I should do it. It gets depressing always taking care of people & having no life of your own. How old is your Mom?

Hi again ...gosh it seems that our mothers are cut from the same mold! Maybe it is the european upbringing? My mother is 77 years old...she just turned it in August...but she is already telling people she is 78. Does your mom mess around with her meds and not do what the doctors say??

Thanks for posting back! It really is helping http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Patty

Hi my name is Judy I'm a home health aide been in nursing homes 10 years now home care for 6 years.I know it can be frustrating taking care of mom espically whith all her complaints some times not easy for us aides either.We have a program here AreaIV it's called they come to your home evaluate your moms health then offer suggestions.With your health physically you could end up taking anti depessants some help you go on with mom to be able to tolerate her attitude.You need to run not walk to get some help for yourself and for mom there are places that can guide you even your dr can help advise you where to look for help.My self I'm stubborn I tell the patient you need to wash feed yourself if they can do that they need their independence.Mom needs to realize an you need to tell her this is my home we are doing it this way.Sometimes they get senile an don't know whats good for them so we have to intervine an let them know this is the way it's going to be.Be strong hold your head up you can do this look at all you been through and still functioning.Good luck...

Hi There...
Thank you for your posting and your support http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I am on anti-depressants for the Lupus already..because of insomnia and because of CNS involvement. The sad thing about my mother is that she is still Very sharp in her faculties...She is just very stubborn and in a major state of denial about many things...and we have been round and round about what how we are going to run our house etc. But I am going to call Senior Services and try to get some help at the beginning of the year.
I know I will get through this, and just finding people who are dealing with the same thing and being able to share my difficulties has already helped a tremendous amount. Sometimes just having a place to air out the grievances makes the biggest difference http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
I have been caregivers to friends and other family members before, but it seems so different with it being my own mother. She is the last member of my family alive, and it's just been hard to see her change in this way. But I am not alone and that is what counts..there are other people who are dealing with the same and worse problems than me..I am feeling much better today already! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Take care!
Patty

My mother just turned 88 & believe it or not still pretty sharp, getting forgetful & what worried me was when she was here sd my husband (very easygoing) pushed her & yelled at her & he didn't. I thought if she starts that we could be in trouble. I used to give her meds, she loves to talk about whats wrong w/her & gets me very depressed. I thought if she went into this *** 'd living she would make friends but I was wrong, finds fault w/everyone & spends most of her time in her room. For the price she would have to share a room but so far she's alone, she'd hate anyone who did share the room w/her. I still have to go over & also take her out or have her here & it always does a job on me & she gets me depressed. My brother hasn't had to go thru any of this & just does whatever he wants w/his life. They came down a couple of times for a day & everytime I need money for her they ck it out & always go half even though they can afford alot. I really felt they shouldn't be that way since I have taken all this off them for yrs now. Oh well some things never change. My mother is spoiled is yours & as far as saying this is my house you can never tell her what to do. I always sd it would be so nice if she was a sweet, easy going person but she's not.

Hi redjoy,

It truly sounds like our situations are so similar. It seems as if no matter what we do, it isn't the right thing. I guess I am figuring out that that will be the norm, and I will need to just be flexible and not take it personally. I wonder if it will be like that for me when I get older...funnily enough, that is something I think about now...I wonder if I will be like my mom when I get to her age. But I can't spend time worrying about that either, it would just bring me down.
The biggest concern I have right now is mom playing with her medications. How do you force someone to 1. go to the doctor and 2. take their meds?? She has stopped one of her blood pressure meds and she will run out of the other soon, and she absolutely refuses to go to the doctor. I can't force her into my car etc...and I worry that she will have a bad stroke and then I will be stuck with trying to make decisions for her without even knowing where her important papers are...she refuses to tell me. ARgh!

Well, today is a new day though, and I am going to try to make the most of it http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Thankyou for writing! You hang in there too....

Hugz,
Patty


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Taking it one day at a time!

Hi Patty, You do have your hands full, does she say why she doesn't want to take her meds? I think you need to talk to someone or it will drive you crazy try Senior serv & they can always direct you to other help too. One of my problems was always worrying & being in charge (control) of everyone else. I don't know why but my mother, my daughter, raising my grandson & somehow lost myself along the way. We can't make anyone do what they won't do. We can only be responsible for ourselves, I forget that sometimes. One funny thing which isn't but sounds funny, I was in a food store & this little old woman was trying to make a copy on the machine & was very weak & shaking so I figured I'd help, I did & she sd oh thank you I had to make this for my mother! I walked around the store after thinking is that going to be me! You do have a good attitude though, sometimes I do & then I get kind of nuts. Hang in there & vent & we both have to live "one day at a time"
Joy

Hi Joy,
Well she won't talk about it. I have tried to bring up the subject, and she just gets stubborn. If I really try to push the issue, she does what a 4 year old would do...she covers her ears and puts her head down. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif So I have to back off....the next day she will act like nothing happened.
Soooo...I will indeed call Senior Services at the beginning of the new year and see what help I can get, or tips and hints in dealing with her maybe.
It's amazing though, she is really an interesting wonderful woman under all this...she survived "The Blitz Bombing of London" during World War II...and spent all of World War II in England. She has done so many fantastic and interesting things, and we would love for her to put those thoughts down. We bought her a tape recorder so that she would...but she never did use it. Anyway....I am rambling now http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Takin it back your way http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Hugz,
Patty


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Taking it one day at a time!

I wish you luck let me know what they say. Ya know I wonder if she's in a depression, maybe since she doesn't want to do anything & might feel like she's a burden. She's not that old. Talk to SServ about it I'm sure they can suggest something. We took my mother out for dinner for New Years, she started to eat then coughed & was afraid to eat anything but ice cream. I get guilty too about putting her in the *** 'd living, she really doesn't like it. I have to do alot of running w/my grandson & I know it was hard before to find someone to stay w/her. We have so many mixed emotions don't we?

Hi Joy,
Well she could very well be depressed...I know that if I had to live with my children, had no money to speak of from Social Security ..I wouldn't be very happy about it. But she has been this way for awhile..even when she was working...at least being stubborn and sometimes not very rational.
But Just being here and having the support and posts from everyone has helped me alot..more than I can say! I don't feel quite so alone...(I know I sound like a broken record by now..hehe)...
I will be calling Senior Services very soon http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

You take care and I hope you have a good New Year!!

Hugz,
Patty


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Taking it one day at a time!

Hi Everyone!
I was beginning to wonder if I was the only person who felt like this. What is it about mothers? I am so to be 35 yrs. old, and soon to be doing this for five years. My mom is 69, she has rheumatoid arthritis very very bad, totally crippled in a wheelchair. My dad was killed suddenly almost 5 yrs. ago, and I dropped my life to take care of her. If I'd know then what I know now..I wouldn't hesitate putting her in a home. I have been so very depressed lately.....I wonder about even going on. She is the most critical, ungreatful person ever put on this earth. But to hear her tell it she's greatful! BULL!! I tried to overdose on pills the first year here due to my husbands alcoholism, and after I get home from having my stomach pumped, she says "how could you do that? who'll take care of ME?"
Gee mom thanks for your concern for MY life, it's only in the capicity to take care of her that I am valuable. Something in my heart died that day....and it only gets worse. I can't do anything right to please her at all. And I like you guys take it very personally....how can I not? She's supposed to be my mother....The other day I made some chilli, she proceeds to tell me the noodles must not be done because they are white!!! Her exact words, I swear!! I was just blown away, their was nothing wrong with it, so I tell her she just wants to bi*** about something, well she gets mad and scoots off demanding to be put to bed....she doesn't want anything to eat. I just sunk to the floor and cried my eyes out, then she acts like nothings wrong and I'm crazy for feeling like I do. We've never got along greatly.....she was never a prize of a mother....but I don't know if I'll have any sense left when this is over....if it ever is.
Thanks for listening..