My mother has had heart disease for years and was recently diagnosed terminal after several hospital stays since November last year. I am her primary caregiver.. The hardest part is watching her waste away and lose all her energy.. She will barely eat anything and she doesn't drink much.. The hospice nurses say this is normal and part the the disease process.. How do I get over the feeling of guilt that I'm not doing enough for her.. I feel like I'm starving her.. I offer food but after just a few bites she says she is full.. She can't eat chunky foods anymore and so most of her diet is soft, and most soft foods are sweet and I know she is getting tired of pudding, mushed fruit, etc.. She likes soups but sometimes chokes on them. Any one have any advice.. I would be grateful. Thanks

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Lauras three rules: Faith, Hope, and Love

You are probably witnessing a part of for real nature. It's kind of like the leaves in autumn slowly drawing less nutrients from the tree and from the sun.
Your mom's brain will slowly "turn off" parts of her physical body as time goes by and peace draws near.
She won't be starving for food because her stomach/liver/kidneys won't need the fuel any longer.

I found something on a North Central Florida Hospice site once that helped me prepare (as much as you can) for what happens during the process of dying... It was called Signs and Symptoms of Approaching Death and it left me a little overwhelmed, and quite a bit reassured.

One of the last of our physical sense to fade is our sense of Hearing. I know that I always felt my Dad could hear us right up until the end, right through the morphine. I remember using my voice to convey to him that we would be well, that we would "look after" Mom, that he was loved, and that he was "good to go".

Please let me know if this was more information than you really wanted.. There are so few people in our everyday lives that we can talk to, or who feel comfortable talking to us about these things...
Please keep in touch,
Bj

Hi there! I am sorry to hear about your mom. You are a great person to be doing what you are doing.

My grandmother is in that situation right now where she can't eat. We give her ensure. It is a liquid drink that is very high in calories and nutrients. Have you tried that? Another thing is there is a thickener that you can buy to thicken her liquids to a consistency where she won't choke.

Try not to feel guilty ,it sounds like you are doing all you can do and you should be proud of yourself for everything that you have done for your mom and being there for her. She has a great daughter.

Best of luck and take care,
Cattys



[This message has been edited by cattys (edited 06-09-2003).]

To HoosierBj and Cattys. Thank you for answering.. HoosierBj, I know that I am privilaged to help my mom through the final phase of her life. I have read alot on the net about approacing death and what to expect. Thank you for suggesting that. I think it helps to know or at least have some idea of what to expect. Yes, it is depressing but it's better than being in the dark about it. I won't hesitate to post when I need help or just a word of comfort like yours.
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Cattys. Thank you as well. I give mom Gluserna which is like what you are talking about except sugar free because mom is also diebetic. She will drink it sometimes, but like I said she is soooo sick of sweet stuff. I will look into that thickener though. Thank you for telling me about it..
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I am not sure if this is the right way to respond to answers. I am very new here.. If anyone has suggestions I need to know about Please let me know about them.. Thanks alot.. Both of you!! Laura

Your response was absolutely wonderful. Not everyone responds to every single post they get, but when someone does there is a real feeling of community that develops.

The only suggestions I know of are - not to post your own personal e-mail address, OR the address of any website that isn't an official "cancer.gov" type site.

The administrators here are very vigilant, which can also be a very good thing because I've seen some "bad apples" disappear very quickly!!

The whole key to the HealthBoards is that you get support from ALL of us, and that's not so bad at all!

[This message has been edited by HoosierBj (edited 06-09-2003).]

i am so sorry to hear about your mom and i too know how it is to take care of someone that doesnt want to eat anymore and seems like they are "wasting away" my grandmother was always very outgoing and always a people person doing lots of stuff and she liked to eat but towards the end her body didnt need it anymore so she slept alot and i just sat there with her and talked to her and told her how much i loved her, i also read her the bible, she got peace from that, and i have absolutley no regrets, i can think about her everyday and know that i did all i could for her and i am sure you will feel that way too....
God Bless

Shelby...God bless you!!! I know that my mom is saved and when her time comes she will go to be with the Lord.. The eating thing is more my problem than hers.. She seems content with a few bites, but like your grandmother, my mom was once such a vibrant active person.. She is Irish, and was married to an Italian so food has been the center of our lives for as long as I can remember LOL.

Mom wasn't happy if she didn't go out to eat at least once a week!! And the foods she used to cook!! Yummmmm I don't cook near as well as her.

I just have to accept that her body is slowly shutting down.. She sleeps all the time too. It seems that she is kinda like a baby now.. Sleeping more than she is awake.. But we still have our special times.. To some they might seem kinda dumb.. Like we were talking about poop day.. Twice a week I have to give her a suppository to help her go, and she always gets confused and thinks that it's time to go to the toilet..or to the store !!?? She cannot move.. I try to humor her and she always ends up laughing in the end, but I know her confusion frustrates her.

Her meals consist of three bites.. No matter what it is, it seems that after three bites she is full. When I dare, I add the calories and they never add up to more than 4 or 5 hundred calories a day. Usually less than that, more like 300!! God bless her.. She is one strong lady.. Thank you for writing.. I appreciate it.. Laura

Hi Laura,
Hadn't heard from you here in awhile and wanted to check in and ask you how you, and your Mom, are doing...
If prayers are musical notes, you both have quite a symphony going on around you..

Hello Hosier! Thank you for asking.. Things are pretty much the same. Thank you for your prayers.. I can hear the music :-). bless you. Laura