Hello my name Parris,
I am a caregiver I am 48 years old I am married with 2 kids 21 and 19 and 2 beautiful grand daughters I am a at home care giver for my mother in law i gave up a job getting paid to do my hobby for this... still aking why i did it but i wouldnt chave my mind if i had to do it all over..would like to hear from others in same.

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Butterflies

Hi, my name is Johanna. I too am a caregiver. My mother who is 78 now lives with me..2 yrs now. She has CHF, and is on O2 24/7....she still has her wits about her, and can get around ok...I feel quilty complaining to others, cause she could be alot worse. But I miss my independence and having the house all to myself..I miss getting up early to do my cleaning and playing loud music when ever I wanted. She makes me feel like I am 13 again..."Where you going, shouldn't you wear a hat, its cold out...blah-blah..." and just when I became an empty nester......So I never really got to enjoy having the whole house to myself...*sigh*. I have 3 grown daughters, 32,29,25...all unmarried. They help alot. I just wish there was someway my mother could just give me and my husband of 35yrs some time to ourselves....She refuses to drive, cause of the O2.All she does all day is sit and read. I just want time alone in my own house with out having to go somewhere else.........sorry to ramble....Johanna

Dear Joahanna,
Hello dear I sure do know what your feeling right now, and am sorry to hear about your mom. People have most likely told you what a fine job your doing and how great you are because of what you are doing. You of course are saying inside your head i gotta get outta here for a bit well am i right?
I am no longer a caretaker you see my mom passed away the 5th of jan 03 and my mother in law passed the 28th of feb 03. They both had copd and my mother in law had had a massive stroke and heart attack. please use my reg email and keep in contact. I started doing graphics on the computer as a way out for me and i still do it they are fun to create and easy to makeif your willing to try it let me know.ok [removed].com. write

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Butterflies

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[This message has been edited by moderator2 (edited 03-26-2003).]

I know how you feel....my situation is a little bit different than yours, but all the same I miss the privacy, but we do make a point to go out by ourselves..."It's our night out". If you don't take time to do this, you "burn out". Can someone sit with your mom?

I think it's common to miss things the way they once were. It's taken me a long time to "adjust" to having an extra person in the house that's a lot like you describe....I think that's common with elderly people (or some anyway). Have you thought of doing a search for a caregiving group..I belong to an active group (too bad we can't mention sites here!) But try doing a search and find a support group that's active. It can help! Or if you'd like to vent or I can help, write back on this site. No one really understands what it means to your lifestyle....I too get asked "How's it going" and "You'll be rewarded with many crowns one day". It doesn't help how you feel inside.....What I'd like to do sometimes is tell them how difficult it's been for me to adjust, etc. etc. But I'd feel guilty doing that, so I don't say much...

Write back if you'd like to vent. I know it took me a while to find somewhere I could say what's on my mind and have those who is a caregiver in some manner understand....without feeling guilty about saying something.

I know how you feel....my situation is a little bit different than yours, but all the same I miss the privacy, but we do make a point to go out by ourselves..."It's our night out". If you don't take time to do this, you "burn out". Can someone sit with your mom?

I think it's common to miss things the way they once were. It's taken me a long time to "adjust" to having an extra person in the house that's a lot like you describe....I think that's common with elderly people (or some anyway). If you'd like to vent or I can help, write back on this site. No one really understands what it means to your lifestyle....I too get asked "How's it going" and "You'll be rewarded with many crowns one day". It doesn't help how you feel inside.....What I'd like to do sometimes is tell them how difficult it's been for me to adjust, etc. etc. But I'd feel guilty doing that, so I don't say much...

Write back if you'd like to vent. I know it took me a while to find somewhere I could say what's on my mind and have those who is a caregiver in some manner understand....without feeling guilty about saying something.


[This message has been edited by moderator2 (edited 04-18-2003).]

I too know what you are going through. I took care of my mother for 5 years. I didn't give up my job, instead I worked 12 hour night shifts so that I could be home during the day for her and her many doctors appointments. You take care of your mother-in-law because you care about her. I wish now, that I had done things a little differently. I spent all my time worrying about her feelings at the expense of my own. I knew how hard it was for her to go from being an independent person to totally dependent. I never told her how I changed my life to accomodate her. I never told her I needed time alone with my husband and son every once in a while. I never told her how having the TV on all day drove me nuts. I never told her how I missed blasting the radio while I cleaned house. There were hundreds of little things that I gave up or altered in an effort to make her more comfortable. I listened to her son, sister and brother all say how they should help but it never happened. I wish I had pushed them and insisted on their help. I wish a lot of things now. My mother passed away 15 months ago. I wish I hadn't spent the last few years of her life with silent resentment. I don't think she had a clue as to what I gave up and resented. I didn't give her the chance to understand because I never told her.
The one thing I do know for sure is that I was there for her. I may wish I had done some things differently, but in the end I was the one who took care of her when she needed it. My brother, aunt and uncle live with wishing they had done more than make empty promises. I'm glad I don't have those regrets.
Take care of your mother-in-law. Make sure you don't lose yourself in the process. Talk to her and let her know how difficult the situation can become for everyone involved and try to work out compromises. We don't take care of our loved ones because we want pats on the back. We do it because we care. Our reward is knowing in our hearts that we were there for them through it all.
Take care of yourself and keep using this message board. I wish I had known about it when my mother was living. Talking to people who share the same situations always helps.

It's good to read other people's posts on this thread as I feel I'm very much in the same situation. I've been looking after my mum for six years now. For the first four she kept her own house but came to stay in my home every night and weekend, then she gradually started staying days and two years ago sold her place to move in permanently. A year ago we bought a new place to give her more room. She has had mobility problems all this time but now they are very severe. She is not just house-bound but room-bound - her legs are giving out and she gets breathless just trying to get to the bathroom (which is in her room). I've also got two teenagers at home. They and my mum are all lovely but sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but chores. I've got a freelance job which I can do at home and really enjoy but I now seem to have less and less time for it rather than the more that I'd expected as the kids got older. And I miss having the house to myself too! Because mum has always been good natured and sociable I get lots of comments like 'she deserves the very best care' and 'I could never live with my mum but yours is different' - all of which is probably true but a little voice inside me keeps saying 'what about me?' All the women's mags say women of my age should be going places, trying new jobs - huh, some hope!Then I feel guilty for having such selfish thoughts! Must go now as have to settle Mum down for the night - arrange pillows and commode etc. There I go moaning again! All the best everybody and remember you're not alone!

It's good to read other people's posts on this thread as I feel I'm very much in the same situation. I've been looking after my mum for six years now. For the first four she kept her own house but came to stay in my home every night and weekend, then she gradually started staying days and two years ago sold her place to move in permanently. A year ago we bought a new place to give her more room. She has had mobility problems all this time but now they are very severe. She is not just house-bound but room-bound - her legs are giving out and she gets breathless just trying to get to the bathroom (which is in her room). I've also got two teenagers at home. They and my mum are all lovely but sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but chores. I've got a freelance job which I can do at home and really enjoy but I now seem to have less and less time for it rather than the more that I'd expected as the kids got older. And I miss having the house to myself too! Because mum has always been good natured and sociable I get lots of comments like 'she deserves the very best care' and 'I could never live with my mum but yours is different' - all of which is probably true but a little voice inside me keeps saying 'what about me?' All the women's mags say women of my age should be going places, trying new jobs - huh, some hope!Then I feel guilty for having such selfish thoughts! Must go now as have to settle Mum down for the night - arrange pillows and commode etc. There I go moaning again! All the best everybody and remember you're not alone!

It's good to read other people's posts on this thread as I feel I'm very much in the same situation. I've been looking after my mum for six years now. For the first four she kept her own house but came to stay in my home every night and weekend, then she gradually started staying days and two years ago sold her place to move in permanently. A year ago we bought a new place to give her more room. She has had mobility problems all this time but now they are very severe. She is not just house-bound but room-bound - her legs are giving out and she gets breathless just trying to get to the bathroom (which is in her room). I've also got two teenagers at home. They and my mum are all lovely but sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but chores. I've got a freelance job which I can do at home and really enjoy but I now seem to have less and less time for it rather than the more that I'd expected as the kids got older. And I miss having the house to myself too! Because mum has always been good natured and sociable I get lots of comments like 'she deserves the very best care' and 'I could never live with my mum but yours is different' - all of which is probably true but a little voice inside me keeps saying 'what about me?' All the women's mags say women of my age should be going places, trying new jobs - huh, some hope!Then I feel guilty for having such selfish thoughts! Must go now as have to settle Mum down for the night - arrange pillows and commode etc. There I go moaning again! All the best everybody and remember you're not alone!

Sounds like you are putting restrictions on yourself that you should not. In most cases the elderly do not have good hearing and therefore a loud radio/music will not be too loud for them.

You need to continue to do things you did before and not tiptoe around so much. Been there, done that, and now realize it was not necessary. If you put this or that off because mom is taking a nap you will soon get behind and more frustrated. Keep things rolling on regular schedule and rest assured your mom will still get her nap.

Baby monitors are great these days to use so you can hear your elderly parent and not run your legs off. I used a plug in intercom and had stations in various parts of the house to "recieve" and had the one in her room on "transmit". You can hear them breathe on these monitors and intercoms.

Put a t.v. in the elderly's room and then you listen to what you want to another t.v. in other part of the house. The elderly can watch their special programs in their room.

In the evening, if possible, be sure and get the elderly person to join the family for a while so they feel they are still part of the family. I put extensions on the oxygen tube in order for it to reach from one end of the house to the other for this purpose.

My Mother in Law passed away please do not respond here any longer it is to much for me

ATTN MGMT: please close this thread thank you