rosie53
10-27-2003, 12:25 PM
I just found this site by accident and have been reading some of the posts and feel some relief knowing there are others struggling with the caretaking life.
Almost 2 years ago my parents sold their house and we had an addition put on our house for them. I am an only child (50 today), and there was no other option. They were living on a reverse mortgage due to my mothers medical expenses (prescription costs were 8000 a year in CT, out of pocket). Right before moving here my mother became very ill and was diagnosed with end stage pulmonary fibrosis and emphysema. She is on 6 ltrs oxygen 24/7 and basically goes between her chair and bed. She is only 76. We built a beautiful place for them and they love it but they have no friends here and are very isolated and lonely. Both my husband and I work full time and we have a 15 year old daughter. My father is almost 87 but in excellent health. But he refuses to go out, meet anyone, do anything except go to the store for food. My husband and I manage all the meds for my mother, we pay the expenses of the addition. We have a private pay nurse who comes 3 times a week to bath my mother and the VNA gets signed on when something happens, like a fall, or change in meds. The problem for me isn;t so much teh physical exhaustion as the mental and emotional toll this is taking on my family. It has started to affect my health and I spend almost every day in tears. My mother also has a long history of illness; manic depression, diabetes, osteoporosis, lymes disease, acid reflus which resulted in a replacement esophogus. Recently she went to an eye dr and it was confirmed that she has macular degeneration. Since then she has just slept 24/7, she barely responds to anyone, she is extremely depressed and just yells at me to allow her to grieve her losses. I have spent my whole life taking care of my mother in one way or another. I am grateful in one sense that we can do this for them both but angry and resentful that I have to do it at the same time. Every time I go over to their side of the house I pray before I walk through the door to be able to bring some joy and compassion with me but the minute I leave their side and shut that door I fall apart. Someone else in one of these posts said everything happens for a reason. I may never know what that reason is, I trust there is one but I feel like I am losing ground. I often feel like I don't want to go home anymore. I know my 15 year old is having a very hard time with the tension and the pain of seeing her grandmother like this. Any experience people have had with teens and helping them through these experiences would be welcomed as well. Someone else mentioned guilt...well being the only child, I feel like my mothers care has always been mine (and my fathers of course)and it has always been expected that I would come rescue her whether from a fall, another nervous breakdown or suicide attempt, whatever the circumstance. I feel tremendous guilt when I feel I haven't done enough, gone over enough times, spent enough hours....and God forbid I want to do something by myself or with my husband and daughter...it's to teh point where we all feel like we have to lie to get out of the house. A nursing home is not an option because they haven't lived with us for 3 years yet and if she goes into one before the 3 year mark, they can attach the 80K they gave us to build the addition...and we just don't have it. Thank you for letting me vent. Any wisdom on caring for ourselves in the midst of a loved one's mental and physical illness would be helpful. Thanks!
Almost 2 years ago my parents sold their house and we had an addition put on our house for them. I am an only child (50 today), and there was no other option. They were living on a reverse mortgage due to my mothers medical expenses (prescription costs were 8000 a year in CT, out of pocket). Right before moving here my mother became very ill and was diagnosed with end stage pulmonary fibrosis and emphysema. She is on 6 ltrs oxygen 24/7 and basically goes between her chair and bed. She is only 76. We built a beautiful place for them and they love it but they have no friends here and are very isolated and lonely. Both my husband and I work full time and we have a 15 year old daughter. My father is almost 87 but in excellent health. But he refuses to go out, meet anyone, do anything except go to the store for food. My husband and I manage all the meds for my mother, we pay the expenses of the addition. We have a private pay nurse who comes 3 times a week to bath my mother and the VNA gets signed on when something happens, like a fall, or change in meds. The problem for me isn;t so much teh physical exhaustion as the mental and emotional toll this is taking on my family. It has started to affect my health and I spend almost every day in tears. My mother also has a long history of illness; manic depression, diabetes, osteoporosis, lymes disease, acid reflus which resulted in a replacement esophogus. Recently she went to an eye dr and it was confirmed that she has macular degeneration. Since then she has just slept 24/7, she barely responds to anyone, she is extremely depressed and just yells at me to allow her to grieve her losses. I have spent my whole life taking care of my mother in one way or another. I am grateful in one sense that we can do this for them both but angry and resentful that I have to do it at the same time. Every time I go over to their side of the house I pray before I walk through the door to be able to bring some joy and compassion with me but the minute I leave their side and shut that door I fall apart. Someone else in one of these posts said everything happens for a reason. I may never know what that reason is, I trust there is one but I feel like I am losing ground. I often feel like I don't want to go home anymore. I know my 15 year old is having a very hard time with the tension and the pain of seeing her grandmother like this. Any experience people have had with teens and helping them through these experiences would be welcomed as well. Someone else mentioned guilt...well being the only child, I feel like my mothers care has always been mine (and my fathers of course)and it has always been expected that I would come rescue her whether from a fall, another nervous breakdown or suicide attempt, whatever the circumstance. I feel tremendous guilt when I feel I haven't done enough, gone over enough times, spent enough hours....and God forbid I want to do something by myself or with my husband and daughter...it's to teh point where we all feel like we have to lie to get out of the house. A nursing home is not an option because they haven't lived with us for 3 years yet and if she goes into one before the 3 year mark, they can attach the 80K they gave us to build the addition...and we just don't have it. Thank you for letting me vent. Any wisdom on caring for ourselves in the midst of a loved one's mental and physical illness would be helpful. Thanks!