ForbiddenFruit
04-07-2005, 03:41 PM
Hi,
I went to High School with this guy (I'll call him Stan to protect his family's privacy) and I didn't know him well, but we were in the same social class and we did work together and so forth.
Last week while his parents were away his hung himself with a cord in the basement...
I didn't attend the funneral
How do I deal? Or is that being selfish?
ForbiddenFruit
I went to High School with this guy (I'll call him Stan to protect his family's privacy) and I didn't know him well, but we were in the same social class and we did work together and so forth.
Last week while his parents were away his hung himself with a cord in the basement...
I didn't attend the funneral
How do I deal? Or is that being selfish?
ForbiddenFruit
Sponsor
last1
04-07-2005, 04:48 PM
Dear ForbiddenFruit: Why do you think you're being selfish. Here what you told us - that you went to school with a person whom you weren't close friends with who committed suicide. There are probably a bunch of us who have experience close to the same experience if not in high school, then possibly college. I think we all wonder "what if..." : "what if I had known him better?" WHat if I had been a better friend?" What if he sent me signals and I didn't pick up on them?" "What if...?" I don't think you're being selfish because you have feellings about this situation. I think the way you cope is by being there is whatever way you can for his family - you could write a letter and let them know how sorry you are for their loss and point out something you remember about him (maybe not that he was a stupid jerk, but try to reflect on something positive). You could start a discussion group at your church and use that as a springboard to talk about suicide, your own feeling or not. You could bring it up to a close friend as a way of finding out if they've ever had those feelings. You could learn about suicide prevention and the warning signs and maybe volunteer for a suicide prevention hot line.
I think there are tons of stuff that you can do and I think that begining by asking the questions you've asked is a good place to start. Hand in there...you'll probably be OK. ANd, certainly, this site is one of the best in which to be available to others and to address your own fears and concerns. cflas.
I think there are tons of stuff that you can do and I think that begining by asking the questions you've asked is a good place to start. Hand in there...you'll probably be OK. ANd, certainly, this site is one of the best in which to be available to others and to address your own fears and concerns. cflas.
veggigoddess
04-07-2005, 04:57 PM
Hey sweetie,
Not sure by your wording if you were saying you worked with him or were in the same class during the same period of time in which he ended his life. I am asking because the school or place of work should then offer grief counseling n which you could take advantage of that to talk about what you maybe feeling to a professional. There's nothing selfish about wondering how you're going to cope w/ this sort of thing. There's nothing that can be done about his situation now so you need to focus on yourself. If you feel emotionally distressed over it then the best thing to do it talk about what you are feeling inside either here or a grief counselor if it's being offered. Just know there's nothing you could had done or anyone for that matter to prevent him from ending his life.
Not sure by your wording if you were saying you worked with him or were in the same class during the same period of time in which he ended his life. I am asking because the school or place of work should then offer grief counseling n which you could take advantage of that to talk about what you maybe feeling to a professional. There's nothing selfish about wondering how you're going to cope w/ this sort of thing. There's nothing that can be done about his situation now so you need to focus on yourself. If you feel emotionally distressed over it then the best thing to do it talk about what you are feeling inside either here or a grief counselor if it's being offered. Just know there's nothing you could had done or anyone for that matter to prevent him from ending his life.
ForbiddenFruit
04-07-2005, 08:18 PM
Hi,
Firstly, thanks to the both of you for replying.
I did work with him on some stuff and I knew him not really well, but I did know him quite well.
I never met his parents but I did meet his older sister who was the one who found him.
I don't attend the school anymore I graduated in 2004 and am in college and working so I dont know if the grief counseling applies to me or not??
ForbiddenFruit
Firstly, thanks to the both of you for replying.
I did work with him on some stuff and I knew him not really well, but I did know him quite well.
I never met his parents but I did meet his older sister who was the one who found him.
I don't attend the school anymore I graduated in 2004 and am in college and working so I dont know if the grief counseling applies to me or not??
ForbiddenFruit
last1
04-07-2005, 09:08 PM
Hey - if your currently in college, there should be counselors available to your whether you're at the community college level, university, etc. It's OK to be sad but it's even more OK to ask for help and guidance. cflas
ForbiddenFruit
04-07-2005, 10:11 PM
Cflas,
Thank you for your reply.
it's even more OK to ask for help and guidance.
I understand where you're coming from and you're probably right, but in my house..the house I grew up in with my parents and younger brother, it was a sign of weakness to show fear, anger, pain, tears, to ask for help , and so forth. So I guess it's normal for most people to show that kind of stuff but for me if I wasn't happy all the time in that house...look out. All of that stuff was FORBIDDEN in my house...my father would always say "this is my house...you're not gonna cry in MY HOUSE...or you're not gonna _____(fill in the blank with any of the bolded above)...in MY HOUSE. It's the way I grew up and I think its to late to change. Because of the way I grew up I'm hard on myself.
Thanks,
ForbiddenFruit
Thank you for your reply.
it's even more OK to ask for help and guidance.
I understand where you're coming from and you're probably right, but in my house..the house I grew up in with my parents and younger brother, it was a sign of weakness to show fear, anger, pain, tears, to ask for help , and so forth. So I guess it's normal for most people to show that kind of stuff but for me if I wasn't happy all the time in that house...look out. All of that stuff was FORBIDDEN in my house...my father would always say "this is my house...you're not gonna cry in MY HOUSE...or you're not gonna _____(fill in the blank with any of the bolded above)...in MY HOUSE. It's the way I grew up and I think its to late to change. Because of the way I grew up I'm hard on myself.
Thanks,
ForbiddenFruit
veggigoddess
04-07-2005, 10:34 PM
My husands dad was like this as well. So very sad to raise children like! Have you ever been able to see a therapist to deal w/ your childhood?
ForbiddenFruit
04-09-2005, 11:42 AM
Hi,
Going to see a therapist, would classify as 'asking for help' even being here would be classifed as that, and I know I need too, and I know I need to deal with this but how do I move on and accept all of this as being normal and not just me being not strong enough to deal with this on my own?
ForbiddenFruit
Going to see a therapist, would classify as 'asking for help' even being here would be classifed as that, and I know I need too, and I know I need to deal with this but how do I move on and accept all of this as being normal and not just me being not strong enough to deal with this on my own?
ForbiddenFruit
veggigoddess
04-09-2005, 12:15 PM
Well I think for one it's a first step realizing that you have these issues opening up due to your emotionally screwed up childhood and it's a second step opening up to us here on the boards. I know it's easier to open up to those you cannot see, but it;s still a step in the right direction and you should look at it as progress. Hopefully you can get to a place where you will feel comfortable enough going to see a therapist to talk about this because this is really something a professional needs to assist yo with as you have clearly been damaged by your upbringing. I know it's difficult to look at it any other way but seeking out help in general is not a weakness but a strength. Takes a lot of courage to do it and not many people can.
last1
04-09-2005, 01:36 PM
You know, the really wonderful thing about growing up and moving out is that you get to re-create your own life and make your own rules. I know that's it can be difficult at times...but if we all perpetuated the lives in which we were raised then civilization would be trapped in the middle ages. The thing is the civilization, cultures and individuals grow and change. I hope you have fun as you learn to establish your newness and create for yourself what will become your "new normal." chris