I don't really expect anything to become of what I write on this board. I use it mainly as a release. I have to put all of these overflowing emotions somewhere. Can't write with a pen or paper, my hand shakes like a leaf sometimes. I guess I'll cut to the chase... I want to die. Not saying I am or will. I just have these overriding feelings of death. I'm lost. Lost in every way possible. Somewhere so dark. Somewhere so deep. I'm walking on a hopeless road. I'm scared. I'm hurting. I'm deeply tormented. Sad. Empty. I wake up everyday and I just have nothing left. Nothing there. Emptied.

Pardon me for this release. I'm just grasping at straws. Gasping for air. Everyday I wake up with this cold feeling deep in my gut. My broken mind. This condition. Depression, anxiety. Whatever it is. It controls me. Controls everything. I look in the mirror. It shouldn't even show a reflection. Theres just nothing there. Nothing left of me. I have no goals or ambitions. Im useless, no drive, no talent, no education, nothing. I can barely cry. Everyday my feet gets carved up from walking all over my past broken dreams. My past has bled me to death. Drain me of my happiness. My diginity. My life.

I wine, I moan. But everyone goes through their own little piece of hell. Mine is waking up everyday wondering why im still here. Wondering where my mind went. Knowing that its going to end very badly soon. My mind has already died. Just waiting for the body to come along with it. I can feel myself breaking down physically. Shame Im still kinda young, I got a long way to go still. But I feel the beginnings. Just keep eating every fattening greasy thing you can find. I cant feel my body breaking down, day by day. Its like my right to die. No reason to try anymore. I Hate every fiber of myself. I'm the worst part of scum. I'm relatively a nice guy. Think of me as the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. Big, scary, hairy even, mean looking, but filled with fear. I got a good heart but everything else I could throw in a big trash can and set on fire. Theres a little patch of ashes where my old self used to be. Memories of this young, vibrant, handsome(I wish), intelligent young man full of life, all just dumped into the ocean. There was a funeral a long time ago. I walked up to the casket and saw myself. I was dead on arrival the moment I was born. I hate every single thing that came out of my mother. I cant do anything for her. Theres nothing more I can say. I can't trust myself, when I'm enemy #1.

I'm going to help cleanse the gene pool and decide never to have children. Heck I don't have to worry about that. There isnt a woman alive that would let me get close enough to her just to even ask for the time. I'm so darn ugly I could serious slap God for making me this way. Or should I blame my parents. Or maybe I wouldn't look so bad if my life wasn't as rough and I wasn't 100lbs overweight. Oh and being black doesn't help. I turn on the news everyday, seeing young black men, one after another, wanted, dead, robbing, killing, arrested. Its so sad. They don't know anything else. Theyre raised around violence, theyre a product of it. I feel ashame sometimes. Almost like I need to apologize for my skin. But black or white, doesn't matter really. Theres no other burden or curse in life than being uglier than sin. Its like wearing the Scarlett letter. Everyone treats you different. But if your beautiful or even just average, its like having a incredible super power. People treat you differently. The world is more kind. Doors are open. Life is precious.

I'm a troubled, self-absored, relatively young person. I write sometimes as a outlet when I'm confronted with disaster. And I have a few very disastrous events heading my way. I have to let go of the only person who ever gave a darn about me. Its for her own good. Cos im just a cancer to her. If thats not painful enough, I have to reveal to my mother that I caught her husband and daughter having sex... again. And Im probably going to lose my job yet again. I try to take the pieces of my broken mind and just throw them out here and see if anyone can make sense of it. I have so much pressure in my head. So much to fear. Theres so many people that are going to be hurt because of me. And I can't stop it. I can't control it. It's not my fault. Theres just nothing I can do anymore. These words just lay dormant on my computer, just like boxing it up in my mind for further devestation. Nothing is explained. Noone can help me. I don't write my thoughts to be entertaining, or for pity. I write them in the way as if I was addressing a letter to the entire world that hates and rejects me. That stripped away my self worth, self esteem, and pride. I couldn't even begin to go through the bevy of misery that is my life. Im a waste of space and flesh.

It never ends. I'm trapped in a spider web. It just never ends. Theres no pill on earth that could help me. My last doctor told me "You've been on everything, I think you will just have to accept and deal with a certain level of this." Thanks Doc. But hes right. You name it, ive took it. It doesn't even put a dent into my depression, my anxiety, my fear.

Why was I born. Why was I born. This is all a mistake. Im a mistake. I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be this. Theres just nothign there. Nothing inside me. Why close my eyes. Theres nothing to dream. Why walk, I cant go anywhere. Why have a heart, I have noone to love. I just dont want to live. I dont care what God says about life being precious. Im very sorry to disagree with our almight father, if he/she/it exist, but precious to who? The beautiful? The rich? Yeah sure. They have alot to live for. Thats all life is about, trying to be beautiful and get rich. Life is precious. 3/4th of this world live in poverty. And what about the dying, the poor. What about the ugly? What about the sick, physically and mentally like many of the people on this board. I'd rather have broken arms and legs than a broken mind. You don't have your mind, you dont have anything. You can't determine whats real or not.

I have this overwhelming hatred for myself. My head throbs in pain sometimes for the amazing scorn I feel towards myself. Through all my struggle and desperation. I'm still right where I started. I beat myself. Punish myself. I feel all this guilt inside. Then after Im done, I ask myself, what did I do? Why do I do these things to myself? Well I hate you Rod.(oh thats my name btw, yeah, hi.) Because your ugly. Because your a mental midget. Because your not man enough to face the world. You let it get in. You let the depression get in. You let it consume you. Now theres a point of no return. You can't even take care of yourself. I hate you cos you eat to drown out the pain. Must be alot of pain, because you look like a whale. I hate you. Why couldn't you have been born handsome, smart, fearless, strong? Why did you lose your mind. It was the only thing you had left. You repulse me.

I don't know what I believe in. I don't know where I am. Everyone says itll be ok. But of course it won't. What happens when hope is lost? Does it ever wake you in the middle of the night. The fear. What does someone do when they awaken to that. Life is not precious to me. Its never been. Everyday is the same. I feel like Im forsaken. Or cursed or just simply, genetically challenged to live, to prosper, to find any resemblance of peace or happiness. Life isn't precious. But death. Oh, thats a treasure I can't wait to discover.
Right before I die, I hope im conscious enough to speak, I hope I can crack a little smile and tell myself, I'm free.

I just read your post and I was amazed.

You have a way with words that needs to be utililized!!! The way you express yourself, even in your pain is beautiful. You sound intelligent and have a talent for drawing a person into your world as dreary as you perceive it and making someone want to know more. You need to do something with that.

The fact that you have to discuss the betrayal you have seen to your mother is sad, yet if it has happend before and they are still together then she accepted it the first time and has already prepared herself mentally for it to happen again. You didn't cause this they did.

As for being ugly? Ok , I am sorry you feel that way.. A also have a self esteem issue. I am too tall.. 5'9 and about 50 lbs overweight..talk about an amazon. Everyone swears I am 6' ..which I deny of course..I even have a little card from my doctor saying my height just to prove it..pathetic. Oh I try to be pretty, I have naturally light blonde hair that is past my waist.. I go to the tanning salon to help cover up my paleness..and I use every wrinkle cream I can get my hands on..even though people tell me I don't have wrinkles.. liars!!!!! How do I get through it? I fake confidence which for some reason draws people to me. Funny thing is..I learned how to do that from my baby sister who is 11 years my junior!!!! She is 6'3 overweight and proudly walks down the street wearing 6 inch platform shoes. People swarm her.
Ok ran out of things to say...

Rickswife

I agree with Rickswife,you have a real talent to put into words how a lot of us feel in some way.I think you painted a vivid picture of what its like to have depression and the emotions associated with it. I understand the feelings of low self esteem and how much time time I've wasted feeling sorry for myself.I ask God daily what is my purpose in life but the depression shuts out his answers.I don't overeat I'am the opposite,it"s one thing I have control of.You have a real talent,anyone who can express themselves the way you do has already found his purpose.Please don't waste it!RAGDOLL

hi rod,

long time no talk. i was actually thinking about posting a new thread to check up on our old friends. i'm sorry to hear you're not doing so well....unfortunately i'm not either. i've had quite a few emotional breakdowns recently, and i'm afraid i'm failing one of my classes, which wouldn't allow me to graduate. i'm under a ton of stress, and i think my medication stopped working like a month ago. i've been in this slump and i don't know how to get out of it. so, sorry to say, i don't know if i can offer any mermaid words of wisdom because i'm in the same boat you're in. but just know that we're in this together and i'm always here for you. hang in there. love you!

meredith

Mermaid, your too beautiful to be depressed. You don't have to be where I am. I can't even go to the store sometimes, i can barely get out of my bed. I can only dream about being in college. You've got more fight in you than you realize, and certainly a lot more to live for. You have my sympathy. Hope you feel better, Little Mermaid.

Unfortunately I can't fake confidence. it would be like a duck pretending to be a swan. I tried it once. Just embarrassed myself even more. As they say, you cant shine crap(for lack of a better word). I lost 114lbs once. I was slim. Even a little tone. I took a year and just dedicated it to getting in shape and losing weight. It did nothing for me. Cos the worst part of me is my face.

I am so sorry your are hurting so badly right now. I do agree that you have a way of painting a vivid series of pictures with your words. You are a talented writer. As for the 8th grade reading level? Hey that's more than enough to function in this world. Heck, most newspapers are written at the 6th grade level & look at how much can be learned/picked up from them!

I wish I had the right words to take your pain away but I know I don't. I will say I'm glad you stopped by today & shared that pain with us.

C.

Decided to Delete My Post

I have only one thread I come here for. It’s for a broken heel and I'm bed ridden. Once in a while I hit New Posts and read a few. Your post was on top. I read it and thought it was very powerful. You definitely see no solution.

I don't know you, know really nothing about what you are going through other than what you thoroughly wrote, and would only want to help if I really met you. I don't think I can, but I can't sleep from the pain of this injury and feel compelled to put a virtual hand on your shoulder.

To let you know about me, I am 26, a normal guy, and I am quite happy with life. I am not rich or beautiful. I do not think of myself as ugly.

When I read your post I felt familiar undertones. I lost my twin brother 5 years ago. After this happened I hit a mental wall. I would wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and think; tomorrow I want to end it all. I felt what you were saying. Knowing someone who did this and never wanting to do anything like that to my family made this just a thought, but I guess that is what I am saying.

I let the thoughts take over, the questions that do not have answers plague me, and my self induced complete mental seclusion isolate and dominate me. I lost self worth, stopped taking care of myself, and didn't want to get out of bed or do anything. All of this overshadowed anything I did have going for me. I beat this on my own, that was how I had to do it, and it was the toughest thing I ever did. It is a war inside your mind, defying thoughts and feeling that will not go away.

You have a disease. It is depression. Your veteran status on this board shows that you know that and want to fight it. I am reaching out in support of your fight

Ugliness is not a disease, but you feel it is your plague. You are going to have to fight really hard to let that go. How you look did not happen to you for a reason, but how you deal with how you look is going to make all the difference. Once we are old we are all ugly to look at in some sense. The elderly do not give up for this reason.

Like the others said, you do have a talent right on the page. Learn about computers. Focus on school. Get a pet. Do anything to stay in the fight. Two steps forward, one back. Two back, one forward.

Life seems so long when we are young. I can only imagine what my brother would do with one day back here. He believed that life is not hard; we just make it that way.

I am sorry for your family problems. This must be hard. Focus on yourself first.

You set a goal once. To lose weight and be fit. You accomplished this goal in little time but you were still depressed. Could you set a new goal. To fight your depression. I know you are already fighting in many ways. Try everything. Don't give up man.

Anyone that gives a fraction of their time to listen and respond, I greatly appreciate it. I know I'm not going to find any answers to the puzzle. Just maybe I can understand why there has to be a puzzle. Theres a little ad under Candcrew's post that says "Depression is a treatable condition." Treatable, yes, curable, I'm afraid I don't believe so.

Unicorn430... Thanks for the suggestions. I think I've done just about everything you've said at least twice. Except the candlelights. I've done the soul searching. The cowboying. The indepth spiritual enlightenment. You know when you walk outside and try to be come one with nature. Or to just feel rain fall on my face just to remind me I'm still alive. To go outside and smell something other than the growing odor in my room because I'm in here with my door shut almost 24/7. I work the graveyard shift. Sometimes I can't help but to look up at the night sky and just stare at the stars. Never fails to intrigue me. But there's a degree of difficulty for me and I would imagine for anyone else that is deeply submerged in self-hatred. I look at all the beauty of the world and it just reminds me of how I'm the complete opposite. If your the unicorn, then I'm the donkey. I was suppose to take a trip across the Pacific ocean to a beautiful island to meet someone. And I couldn't. I don't think I could take seeing the world. Seeing the vast blue ocean and being up there in the clouds. It hurts to see beauty. Beautiful things, beautiful places, beautiful people. Thats why the troll lives under the bridge and the Prince rides the unicorn across it. It would be like a homeless person taking a tour inside a beautiful castle. You'd look in awe, but ache with deep envy. I am filled with envy. The aching, its endless, its always there. Envy is indeed a deadly sin.

rfus, Im very sorry for your heel. I hope you recover very soon and get back on your feet. When I was back in Jr. High school, I had my leg broken by a high school student doing some stupid wrestling move on me to impress his girlfriend and friends and basically have a good laugh at my expense. I was on crutches for months that year. Other than being tripped a few times and having my crutch snatched from me, It was probably the best year I had at that school before I transfered. They actually had mercy with me. I wasnt abused as much. I hope the doctors give you something for the pain. You know, I remember vividly the intense intial pain from when my leg was broken. I swear, Ive had panic attacks that felt worse.

Well, I'm 26 myself. I feel 46. But Im happy for you. And grateful you took time to post. My deepest sympathy for you and your lost loved one. Other than my grandparents, I don't know what its like to lose someone close. I just only know how it feels to lose myself.

In every war, there are casualties. Ive lost so much fighting depression and anxiety disorder. Lost parts of myself. Lost friends. Lost relationships and closeness with my family. Lost my passion for living.

Ugliness isn't a disease. No, its far worse. Its not treatable, curable, its a way of life, its the only plague of my life. 90% of everything I've been abused or have suffered from has been become of it. Its why I walk alone, live alone, sleep alone. It destroys the quality of your life. I wish I just looked normal. The oppurtunities in life, the doors, the people you meet, its all different. The world responds differently to someone like me. The way people look at me. I feel like a burn victim. Sometimes I wish I was. At least Id have a excuse I could live with for looking the way I do. To deal with it means to accept it. Unfortunately, I can never accept it. Because it has affected my life severely, and continuously has compromised my ability to live confidently and happy. Its decreased my chances of being successful in this shallow world. I can live without money and material things. I have no great pleasure in them, I would gladly accept that compromise. But I cant live being alone, just because of how I was created. As a human being, thats just to big of a void inside. No offense to God, but my life just isn't worth living.

I know everything(well almost) about computers. I dropped out of college because the anxiety would not subside. I'm severely agoraphobic, mainly cause its hard walking around feeling like the elephant man and praying I don't walk past a couple holding hands so I wont have a anxiety attack about 9.5 on the rector scale. I fight and fight, and oneday you realize its just playing with you. Spinning you around like a ballerina. Life isn't hard. I can deal with hard. Hard is nothing. Life is a impossible mystery. Don't know why I'm living, don't know why I'm waking up, don't know why every planet is a perfect circle, don't know why pizza taste so good but so bad for you, don't know why I wake up crying, don't know why we have to die. I just know, I wish I was on the other side. I think the truth is there. I think peace is there too.

Im trying. Well, making it up as I go along. There is this one thing I want to acheive. But I would have to climb Mt. Everest to get it. Climb a mountain of fear. Only time will tell. I just hope I have enough sand in my hourglass.

I'm not for it, and wouldn't do it, but have you ever thought about plastic surgery? This will definately change your mug.

I'm not for it, and wouldn't do it, but have you ever thought about plastic surgery? This will definately change your mug.


:confused: .... No. They would have to do a complete overhaul. lol.

Even if I could afford it, I wouldn't do that. I'd rather die than to be consumed in a world of vanity.

But thanks for the chuckle.

Man Apart,

I sit here reading your posts.........I find myself mesmerized by their beauty....their truth.....your pain. I see parts of myself I want to ignore......but are there none the less.....in my face......in print. How does he know me.....I ask myself. It's intimate in nature. Uncanny....to say the least.

I am moved deeply by your pain.....and subsequently.....by my own. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I had some great news to bear. But I don't. I am numbed by your words and in awe of them all at the same time. How is that.

Your questions, as do mine, run deep. Why?.......I keep asking myself. But for some reason I feel that I will ever know that answer. That for some reason, it is not my place.

It is quite amazing, the human spirit, in the fact that for whatever reason, it continues to go on. For me ......I choose to see it as just my purpose in life. But for you?......

All I know is you've touched me in a way that I can't explain. You're words are moving. They are words of many.......continue to speak for us...

mj

You have a wonderful talent for writing and you made depression very real, you have actually really helped me alot! My husband has depression and has similar feelings to yours, but he is not nearly as eloquent so I could never really understand how he feels, which has been very frustrating, thank you for sharing your words. You have a great gift for writing and my hope for you will be that you find a way to use it and share it on a large scale with the world. Actually I will pray for this tonight.

Also, you seem to be very hard on yourself about your appearance, don't be. I know easier said than done, but you are obviously a very intelligent person which is something that not all of the beautiful people possess, truly you are either born with intelligence or you are not...but you can do something about your appearance!

As a young man, try to take it one day at a time, and make attainable goals for yourself each day. Even if it something as simple as washing the dishes, at least once it is done you can say you accomplished something, something that you couldn't do the day before.

Best of luck to you, you are in my thoughts/prayers.

But it appears that your perception of your face, as ugly, has already consumed you. You attribute much of your depression to the fact that you are not beautiful, and you seem to believe that in this hedonistic, materialistic world, beautiful people have no reason to be depressed. It seems that this concept of vanity is something your mind continually focuses on, and therefore it controls you.

I understand why not attracting the opposite sex is a hard on you. You feel doomed and predestined to be alone.. You feel that you are missing something so many take for granted. You want to feel loved, but you never will be loved unless you love yourself first.

I think you sound like a very smart guy, with a beautiful, but very complicated mind. My life has never been enriched from a person’s appearance, but many minds have touched and influenced my life. I would be your friend. I feel we could have conversations and probably find mutual interests. No matter what you looked like I could be your friend, but you probably would never give me that opportunity.

I find that helping people fills me like a cup. Kids mostly. Can you imagine a day where you spoke to depressed teenagers about beating depression? Your understanding of it and the way you can convey it will touch anyone that is dealing with depression or has ever been depressed. And if you are really as different looking as you say you are then you will send the message even more. There is a need for you. You are not worthless.

There is so much hard work for you to do. Are the fear, anxiety, and depression pieces your Everest? Could you ever forgive yourself for becoming who you are?

Oh my goodness, I stumbled across this thread and the words of your post Man Apart touched me. I dont know what your physical appearance is, but you have beauty that most only touch the edge of. Your way with words is miraculous, its a true art. I dont imagine that you are unappealing in apperance because such beauty could not come from a horrid person.
I find that i too wonder similar things. What is the purpose of it all, though unlike you i cant express it as well. You remind me of Edgar Allen Poe, whose poetry was dark and often misunderstood, his genius seemed to be coupled with madness. In my mind he was what everyone was, confused about the what life was, and he simply expressed it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I find myself unattractive. 5'8 with black hair and brown eyes. Not much to look at when i see myself. But i have seen the most beautiful people and when they open their mouth, ignorance and arrogance flood the air. it pours from them, covering over that outer beauty making them hideous. Man Apart everyone has somthing, but you have a true gift, and unlike outer beauty, it wont fade.
I know what its like to be bullied, for things that you can really control, but a friend once told me that it isnt because of you that they mess with or avoid you but because they are insecure in themselves.
As far as the gene pool goes, you'd be doing the world a disservice not leaving a blueprint or copy of yourself. Such greatness and wonder is umcommon and i would hate for it to go away. Attracting the opposite sex is more than a physical thing, this coming from a really young woman. I have found that while some guys who are attractive on the outside try to talk to me, its was i hear and feel from their inside that draws me. You are young, and have time to find that woman that will love and appreciate you for who you are. and with a beautiful mind, and probably heart, you will be beautiful to her no matter what your outer appearence is.
Im sorry i sound like this but i am truly enamored. I love writing and reading and i just can get over your use of words to describe pain in such a beautiful way. It is remarkable. You have my deepest admiration and respect.

Rayne

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,"--that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. -John Keats

Macsjuls, say that 3 times fast. I think I read too much into people's names sometimes. Cos of my condition I guess. I see MacsJuls and it makes me think theres a lucky guy there name Mac with a girl name Julie. Onething I like about the boards is, everyone is judged by the content of their character, and their words. We paint ourselves on a canvas, and find beauty in it somehow. I always said, I'd have tons of friends, if noone ever had to see me. I'm very sorry if I painted something you didn't want to see or read. Your right, I don;t know you but I'm deeply sorry for whatever has plagued you in your life, whatever questions you have unanswered, and for wherever place you shouldn't be. Your right, everyone has a purpose. Not everyone's purpose is to be happy, successful, rich, smart, healthy, beautiful, and strong. Theres two sides to every coin. Some of us has to be heads, some of us has to be tails. I don't know what my purpose is, maybe it is to suffer, and be lonely, I dunno, but I know what it isn't. None of the above. I have to suffer, so the world can determine what is happiness. I have to be ugly, so the world can determine what is beautiful. Someone has to be the butt of every joke. Someone has to be the helpless little kid in the back of the classroom. I'm here to help people feel better about themselves. To appreciate what the are and what they have and what they look like, and to thank God theyre not me. What was the purpose of my ancestors back in the old days. Whats the purpose of a sheep trapped in the glare of a blod thirsty wolf. Whats the purpose of anything, it all ends the same.

Star, be patient with your husband. There is nothing more difficult than telling someone very close to you, the raw, honest, candid truth about how we feel. You think for one second I'd let my mother read any of this? lol. You just can't sometimes. Can't give it away. Especially not to someone you love and who cares for you. Don't want to be a burden. I suffer alone. It got me. But I'm not going to let it get to my family. Hardest thing I ever went through in my life was listening to my mother crying next to my hospital bed, asking me why I ingested a bottle of pills. I felt so much guilt laying there, my family all around me. Not because I took the pills. But because I didn't die. A bottle of trazadone didn't do much except give me the worst stomach ache in my life and made me so drowsy I could barely open my eyes to blink.

Rfus, seeing as Im not the brightest person in the world, you'll have to explain to me what young John keats meant. He died very young. I ******d his name last night and just read alot of his writings. He was a very interesting person. So far as loving myself? I dunno. Theres nothing to love. Otherwise, someone would. I wouldn't hate myself so much if the world didn't give me every reason to.

I think ive spewed enough venom for today. But, I can't express my gratitude for the encouraging words and for taking the time. Thank you for letting me empty some of this overflowing sack of potatoes.

So far as loving myself? I dunno. Theres nothing to love. Otherwise, someone would. I wouldn't hate myself so much if the world didn't give me every reason to.

Dont know much about quotes except that a friend told me to F the world. I was bullied a bit, Beat up and got a scare down my left arm to prove it. The world is sad superfical place, something we cant change. But we can change how we feel about ourseleves, though it isnt easy in anyway. There is plenty to love in everyone, except Satan if u believe in him. And people dont give some the chance to show that.
I bet that you would have tons of friends, were the world not so stuck up and vain. But like Rfus, i bet i would be your friend, like many people here, no matter what u look like. Not everyone is focused on appearance, just to many people who make the world seem that way.

Geez im late for bed Gotta go :eek:

Rayne

Man, Think about it a little and see if you can tell me what it means to you. It is a very powerful and famous quote.

Have you ever seen the movie Mask with Cher. Its worth a watch If you haven't. On the less serious side the movie Shallow Hal speaks of inner beauty.

And when you go to rent one of these or some other movie, buy a big silly hat that you would never see yourself wear and some oversized sunglasses. Walk down the street with your shoulders back and chin high, taking big strides. Think of how silly you look, and then think about how great it is that you don't care what the vain people think. I would put on a silly hat and glasses too, and walk alongside you (if I could walk right now). We would be cool.

I really think you need to give up on the questions that don't have answers. They killed me. Asking my ceiling why or what if everynight was no help. Negativity is like cancer. Once it starts it feeds itself and kills everything else. Think about how easy it is for you to be negative, and how hard it is to be positive. Its like those aholes who were always mean. It was so easy for them to be mean, and so hard for them to be nice. They are the cancer. If you let them in then

Think about the no mind thinking no thoughts about no things. This peace you hope to obtain is obtainable in many ways.

Hi there- I've been walking around thinking about your posts for a few days(see what effect we have on each other?!) and I'm curious to know if there's one main thing in your life that is at the root of your troubles- is your ugliness? (your words) Is there anything in life that could be fixed that would make you say"now I can cope"? I ask because in my life it's my physical health- everything comes down to "if only I was well I could cope with this" I sympathise with your feelings of ugliness which seperates you from the world. I grew up feeling this way and when I look back I see images of myself with bad hair, bad clothes, a submissive attitude etc all because I cut myself off from fashions and normal things of the day as I felt they didn't include me- I was in a club of one. I also look back and think"how could I have let whoever treat me like that/be talked into doing that...well, it was because I felt grateful if anyone even spoke to me so felt I had to be "nice" all the time. Can't be ugly and a b**ch, hey?! I never left the house with my head up and spent all my time outdoors scanning the streets for my next assailant. Quentin Crisp also lived like that if you've ever read The Naked Civil Servant. Life has improved now and I "just" have my health screwing me up. The Phantom of the Opera also felt "without the pale of humanity" due to his ugliness. (not that I'm assuming you look like him!):) Take care Rod. Teresa.

Macsjuls, say that 3 times fast. I think I read too much into people's names sometimes. Cos of my condition I guess. I see MacsJuls and it makes me think theres a lucky guy there name Mac with a girl name Julie...........I always said, I'd have tons of friends, if noone ever had to see me. I'm very sorry if I painted something you didn't want to see or read. Your right, I don;t know you but I'm deeply sorry for whatever has plagued you in your life, whatever questions you have unanswered, and for wherever place you shouldn't be. Your right, everyone has a purpose........ Whats the purpose of anything, it all ends the same.

Man Apart,

I had to chuckle.....again without really knowing me....you come up with a close analization of my name. In actuallity....it should "read" that way. In reality....it signifies who I've become.....who I feel that I've become. You've talked before of "slavery".....this is mine. It is not pretty....not what I envisioned life with a man to be anyways.....but it has become my life in spite of my protests.....my tears.....my pain.

I too, sometimes, believe my purpose in this life is to suffer. I've gotten pretty darn good at it over the years, as a matter of fact. It has become to easy to just lay down and let what feels like a slow death take over. How sad. But if I was to be real honest with myself, I would have to admit that some/alot of this "darkness" is of my own hand. I also know, that if I could summon up some of the "spunk and guts" I used to possess so many years ago, I could probably change things. This is not how I really want to spend the rest of my life.

I do, however, possess some sort of belief that things will/may get better. And I also know that there really is more to my life than just the "hole" I spend the majority of my time in. I believe that we are in control of our own destiny. It is up to us to shape it....mold it.....set it up.....and fulfill it.....THIS (I believe) is our purpose. And in all honesty.....you don't have to be beautiful, rich, popular, or well-educated to do it. You just have to be strong. It's too easy to succumb to self-pity, to just throw you're hands up in the air and surrender to the slights of this world. But how long can one really function in "this place"? If you think about it....we are not weak. We've chosen to see ourselves that way.....but we are fighters.....we are strong. This "hell" isn't for sissy's. If it was.....you and I would no longer be here.

As for you and your words.....yes, you have touched on my pain....written of it in ways I never could. No need to appologize, for you have also opened my eyes to it. Sparked in me something that has not been there for a while. Not quite sure what.....a desire maybe......a flicker of determination to keep up the fight for myself? Could this be your purpose? To be the "eyes and voice" of/for others? A powerful purpose if it is..........

mj

I have to agree with other posters who were awe'd by your post. One word "AWESOME". I wish there was a quick fix or word I could say that would make everything better for you but there is not. But the one thing I can do is pray for you and I'm going to do that.
From your post, I feel that your a very beautiful and deep person. And yes it's true that there are people who may be more attractive to the human eye but to scratch beneath the surface you find that many attractive people are ugly inside. Have you ever watched the movie Shallow Hal?
I would much rather be beautiful inside than outside.
Well I wanted to let you know I will be praying for you.
Take care and Hang in there ok :)
Havaheart

rfus, I'm not particularly good with quotes myself. Especially if theyre from 18th century poets. But Ill take a feeble stab at what young Mr. Keats meant which will clarify how dull I am.

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,"--that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

Well, ummm. Theres beauty in truth. The truth within everyone. To Mr. Keats I think he felt that if something is beatiful then it must be the truth. That beauty naturally becomes truth within. If thats what he meant, and Im sure im wrong, then Im sorry to disagree with Young Keats. Beauty is not truth, and thats become more evident in modern society. Beauty doesn't really dwell in the eyes of truth. Beauty doesn't need truth. Despite in these days when looks are more and more deceiving, people generally and often don't care about the truth, as long as the lie is extremely attractive in their eyes. Dont judge a book by its cover they say? Today its more like don't judge the cover by its book. Doesn't matter anymore in human nature today. Im not sure it ever did. Doesn't matter if someone have real breasts or fake ones, or a real face or plastic surgery, cause today it seems like the deepest purpose and meaning in life to people is the apprehension of material beauty, by any means necessary. Whether that means getting the best looking house, car, clothes, slim body, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife. Have you ever seen the movie The Talented Mr. Ripley. He said it best. "Id rather be a fake somebody than a real nobody."

Rayne, my entire body is a scar. lol. I look in the mirror everyday and all I see is the wear and tear of my past. Death to my once handsome stature and skin. Death to my smile. Death to my health. Yes we can change how we feel about ourselves, because noone, and I mean NOONE's opinion of you should ever become your reality. For me there were too many opinions. It gets really hard to love yourself when your own mother calls you ugly and tells you "I wish I never had you, your a mistake." Combined with every girl that laughs at me or ignores me just for asking her name. Unfortunately other peoples opinion of you is somewhat essentially to your own self esteem. Its just human nature. If your in demand people let you know it. I can wake up everyday and look in the mirror and say, Rod your a handsome guy. But how does that really help when the world heavily disagrees. And you have this stigma and sterotype attached to your skin. Ive been called n*gger more times than I would prefer. Oneday I stood in line at a grocery store, I looked down at this cute little girl and smiled as she looked up at me. She tugged at her mothers pants leg, pointed at me and said "momma he a ugly." Beauty is truth, truth beauty. Nothing can be more truthful when it comes from a child.

I saw Shallow Hal. Gwenyth Paltrow in a fat suit and make-up. When your fat or ugly its like having a disease, people tend not to want to be around you. I have to be honest. That movie couldn't be any further from reality. lol. Inner beauty doesn't prosper as much as outer beauty in this world. Thats just a stone cold fact. I heard the darnest thing on the radio the other day. "Recent study that Tall and attractive people are more successful in the workforce." No??? Really??? SHocking!

Looking silly is onething, it can be cute, being ugly is another, its never cute. You want to know why I care? One big reason. Noone will ever know anything about me past what they can see with their own two eyes.

Ive already given up on questions that don't have answers. Except one. Is there a God and do I believe in him? Because from now until about 10-15 years I have left to live, dying from heart or liver disease or kidney failure, cos im already diabetic and I have absolutely no plans to go on insulin. Barring any accident I really gotta figure out that toughie.

Ive already given up, sometimes your habits, your shadows, your wounds, and your past all outgrow your desire to live. You can no longer cope, and youve used every resource of your strength. I fought hard, and searched deep. Ponce de Leon once searched for the fountain of youth. He believed in it, he travelled far, he was determined. He never found it. Ill never find whatever I was looking for in myself. My self esteem. My courage. My happinees. My passion for life. My charisma and intelligence. That Im lovable. I believed in it, I was determined to find it, I searched for years. But just like the fountain of youth, it was only a myth. I found fear, depression, and anxiety instead. My precious treasure. My great discovery.

Teresa, there is something in my life that could fix it. Absolutely. I actually found it. On top of Mt. Everest. The biggest thing Im struggling with right now as I trying to climb this mountain is everytime I look up, its like a mirage. I see something different each time. So I pause and wonder whether this last journey is even worth the trip. Lately I feel like Im climbing for fools gold. But I blame myself for it. Every bit of it. Cos its my fault what Im looking at and looking for. I know part of it is my condition. I want to keep going, Im just running out of time. And whenever you go into something half hearted, its very hard to achieve. I just wish I can see clearly. But I have to be honest in saying that if what I see now is real and I stop climbing. I will hate and punish myself forever. Because I became the very thing I hate the most. A hypocrite. And everything Ive ever said about wanting to feel normal and equal and accepted and for somene to love me for me and etc, makes me the biggest hypocrite in the world.

MacsJuls, noone owns you. I hope you can realize that you can be free. You shouldn't prolonge your dispair living with someone who's causing it. Although Im not one to lecture cos I still live with a highly disfunctional family. Im afraid to walk out of my room in fear of seeing or hearing my father and sister having sex or scramble around before I can walk into the area theyre in, pretending to clean and adjust the books on the shelf. How many times do you need to adjust the same books on the same shelf? lol. Fear within, thats about as tragic as it gets. Cos once it spreads in your mind like cancer, its hard to overcome. Fear of a person, is different. You can simply leave... sometimes.

There is one thing about human nature that I do admire. God knows theres so much I hate. But onething I admire is the insidious and unrelenting belief in hope deep inside the human spirit no matter how small even I have it inside me and Im the most pessimistic and hopeless soul in the world. The world is too toxic for me. Too much pollution filling my lungs. Too much hate, crimes, suffering, poverty, racism, vanity, and death. Not enough good. Cant find clean air to breathe. Sometimes you just have to ask yourself, why do I have to fight and dream of things that many people do and have regularly. I dream about holding someones hand at a movie. I dream about sitting in a classroom with my hand raised. I dream about being at work helping others. What does a kiss feel like with someone you love? What does it feel like to dance with friends in a club. What does it feel like to have a social life. Will I ever get to make love to someone special. Will I ever get to hold my child in my arms or chase after him or her in the backyard. Will I ever be able to not be afraid. Can I ever forgive myself. Can I ever love myself. Will life ever begin for me.

And thanks for the prayers. Theyre all very much need. I will do the same, although my faith these days is about the size of a grain of salt, at least I have that and Ill never let it go. Depression just seems like a prison. I wish we could all just break out and run as fast as we can. Everyone won't make it, but I sure do like thinking about the ones that did. Gives me hope as I sit in my Alcatraz.

I wish I just looked normal.



First, my heart goes out to you. Your pain is made very real through your writing.

I don't have any answers. When I was at the worst of my depression (which was mild by your level of pain) that was the thing I came to truly grasp. There is no pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. At least not much.

The reason I quoted this? It's the one thought I've had over and over in my life. I've never wanted to be exceptional. I've never wanted Olympic Gold. I'd just love to be normal. To have had a normal dating/love life. To have had someone fall for me and want to spend his life with me. Not Brad Pitt. Just a normal guy. To have not been 100 pounds overweight. To have not had a high IQ (not the blessing people may think). Just normal.

Other people spit on normal. It's all I wanted. And, for the life of me, I'll never understand why that was too much to ask for.

Good luck to you. I don't have any answers. But I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Wow... beaing a not very emotional guy,, im suprised how much what you just wrote touched me. infact, i got a lump in my throught whilst reading that.

i cant say much different than everybody else has, as in you DO have a talent with words and the words you speak are very touching..

i know you feel you dont have a purpose in life, and its SO SO SO importiant that you FIND one! and dont say you cant find one because you can! you just need to find a spark that will give you the courage to go looking for one! as you said yourself, deaths a long way away. so you need to find something.. ANYTHING.. to fill a gap while you wait. just find any little thing that you can wake up to and know you have, instead of this emptyness..

perhaps you need to find a close friend. so you dont have to walk your pointless road alone. so you can have somebody to care about, and be cared for.

i dont know how you will find this friend, but you need to get that spark of willpower to go and find him/her or maybe your friend dont need to be human at all!

if you want a goal, make that goal to find a reason to wake up in the morning!

sorry if none of this made sence to you,, im not very good at explaining things lol

hey manny,
just checking up on you to see how you're doing. i've been going through a stressful week, so sorry i haven't posted more in this thread. i've been having some trouble with classes; the stress and anxiety of graduation has caught up with me, and has made my depression relapse full force. in turn, i'm in danger of failing two classes, which would prevent me from graduating, which would cause me to be even more depressed. it doesn't help that both my mom and dad call me several times a day to check up on me, and add pressure on me to succeed and do well. my mom told me (and i quote) that "if i don't graduate i am dead, i am not welcome back in her house." how is that supposed to help or be supportive in any way? i told my mom that obviously she has never experienced depression before, because you don't say something like that to a depressive. you also don't tell someone to just "snap out of it."
anyway, i'm too tired to be getting myself worked up about this again, i've already cried my eyes out too many times this week, my eyes are permanently red and puffy. i think it's a new look for me, it's in fashion and will probably be all the rage, lol. ok, bedtime for me, hope to hear from you soon.
all my best,
mermaid

Oh Mermaid, seems like you put so much pressure on yourself, and how your parents are treating you is ridiculous. Theyve started resorting to threats now huh? Thats family support for ya.

I remember my mom pulled that crap on me a bunch of times and I told her once, I wish you had just a touch of what I have to suffer from so I can stand and yell at you and tell you to will yourself out of it, dont be so pathetic, come on dont do this to yourself, get up and tighten your belt, just snap out of it you can heal yourself, theres nothing wrong with you. God can heal you, you need to get saved. I guess your not saved mom! I could do without her asking me to get saved every sunday. I seriously doubt dunking my head in bless oil will cure my depression. I never asked God, not once to cure me. I only ask him to help me understand it, cope, function, and survive. Especially the fear and anxiety, cos thats just another monster in itself that has been the immovable object. I dont fear death. I dont fear any man. Ive been beaten, raped by a homesexual when I was 11, mugged, attacked by a neighbors dog, even spent 4 hours in a juvenille prison for truancy(aka skipping school) at 17 next to some hannabal lector-looking juvenilles. But there is nothing in this world I fear more than the violent storm of a panic attack. Its like a perfect, precise assault to your mind, pressing the fear and anxiety buttons simultaneously til theyre jammed. Thats why Im in this room almost 24/7 with my door locked and work alone, graveyard shift detailing cars. Cos Im hiding from it every single day.

My family is a little more understanding now after the lecture they received from the doctors after my 4th suicide attempt. I gotta tell ya, its hard to die. lol. I find it extremely difficult to find a peaceful, painless, non-messy way to die. Im kinda past that point of my life. I still would rather not be breathing but Im not going to hurt myself anymore, just let nature take its course, even if I have to die in a violent grip of pain.

Mermaid, there are bigger things you need to graduate from than just college. College will always be there and available to you, but what use is a degree when your so broken mentally and emotionally. I mean how will you be when you finally get that job you want, but still affected mentally cos you havent found a way to cope. These grades are not a reflection of your true potential. Theyre altered by the simple fact that your suffering from a disease. It happened to me. Your trying to push the rock and the hard place.

Goodness, tell your parents to pick up a book and read about depression. Theyre doing the exact opposite of what they should and only making you worse. When my parents started supporting me more, it help tremendously cos all I ever wanted was their understanding.

Mermaid, someone so beautiful like you shouldn't be so sad. If only I could see a glimpse of you breaching the blue ocean just so I could say I saw a Mermaid. lol. Sorry if I sound corny, just trying to make you laugh. I thought your depression was solely situational, cos of the lost boyfriend. I thought once you got over that loser you'd feel better about yourself and know that he lost out on something, he should be depressed. Ive known you for what, 2 years now? I always told Geena, I worry about Mermaid but I have no doubt she will overcome because you have strength young woman. Look at me, I cant even walk through the doors of a college campus. Tune out your parents. Its not that theyre missing the point, theyre dodging it. Mine still are as well. I dont think as parents they can ever really be capable of fully accepting it. They just dont understand or they choose to be stubborn and not understand. All I can ask is pass or fail do your best Meredith. I had the red eye thing too, never puffy though. All I did was just wear shades. Depressed, sad, but looking darn cool. Send me your homework Ill do it for you. lol. Just take it easy ok. Ill be wishing you well. Also if you could, talk to your teacher about what your going through, show him or her those red puffy eyes like I did when I was in school, it may give you a extra credit point or two of sympathy.

I know I failed that final trigonometry exam by a mile, but I graduated high school..... I never got to say this but, Thank you Mr. Spears.

Take care Mermaid.

I thought I was a bit depressed and then I read some of the posts in this thread. This week has been a complete disaster for me. Things have changed at work over the last few weeks. I work at a childcare centre and I was working in the 0-2 year room. I really loved working with that age group and I got along with the two assistants (I was in charge of the room). I get along really well with one assistant in particular and we worked very well together aswell. We made a good team but then the boss decided to put me in the 2-3 years room. I have been in that room for 2 weeks now and I'm not happy. I get along with the assistants in the room but I've had some trouble with the mother of one of the children. For some reason she has it in for me, she hates me because I looked after her son in the 0-2 year room and he was a bit of a handful. I often had to tell her that her son had been rough or bitten another child or both. Now her son is in the 2-3 year room and she HATES the idea of me being in there too. She thinks Im holding a grudge against her son, which Im not and she is out to cause trouble for me. On Thursday she completely overreacted when she came to collect her son and he had wet his pants. She verbally abused me and at one point I thought she was going to hit me. She was SO angry with me. She really scared the ***** out of me!! I went home that night and cried myself to sleep. The next day I had a gastro bug so I stayed home - I would have been too scared to go to work even if I wasn't sick that day.

I'm seriously considering quitting my job because I don't want to put up with that woman yelling at me each week. I've had other 'nasty' encounters with her before but never this serious. I'm feeling a bit depressed and teary today. I don't want to leave my job but I'm scared - this woman may be capable of more than just yelling. Tomorrow my boss wants to talk to me about this situation - about the kid wetting his pants. I don't know how that will make things better, unless this woman decides to take her kid out of care. My boss is aware that this mother hates me so hopefully she is on my side. I've talked to my flatmate about it and she agrees with me that the mother is completely irrrational - almost psycotic. This has upset me more than anything else I can think of. I don't know what else to do apart from leave this job. If I stay there, I'm likely to get abused again and if that keeps happening, I might be forced to jump off something. I almost feel like jumping off something now. Does anyone have any advice? Maybe my chat with my boss will help but I doubt it will change my mind about leaving my job. I would rather have no job at all than have a job where I always feel scared.

I also found out a few weeks ago that my ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. I was upset and angry about this because he was my first boyfriend. We are still very close and we keep in regular contact. However, he has had a few other girlfriends since me and I didn't feel upset about them so why do I feel upset now?? I guess I feel angry and upset because we couldn't work things out as a couple - we considered living together but we knew it wouldn't work. We were just good friend that slept together from time to time. For a while it was good for both of us but I moved away and we sort of called it quits, although he did follow me shortly after I moved away. We tried to keep the relationship going but it was never the same, he couldn't find a job so he had to move to another town to get one.

When I found out about his new girlfriend, I was happy for him at first because he had gone through some tough times previously (he was suicidal for a while and he had to get treatment). He was a bit mixed up and he didn't really know where he was going with work or his life. Then he worked things out and got this new girl. I was upset at first - not jealous as such but sad that we would never have the same friendship that we had before. When he was single, there was always a chance that we could get back together (well not really but I liked wish there was a chance) and we often spoke on the phone. Now I feel as if I've lost him as he hasn't contacted me for a while. He told me last year (when he was recovering from suicidal tendancies) that he could talk to me about anything. He told his therapist about us having a relationship and she told him to talk to me. She said that just because we didn't sleep together anymore, didn't mean he couldn't talk to me. Thats when he phoned me and told me that he had thought about committing suicide. He sorted himself out before he actually attempted anything. I'm glad he confided in me because I value that part of our friendship. I really hope he contacts me again because I do miss him. I guess I am a bit jealous of his new girlfriend but I've got a good feeling about her - even though Ive never met her I think she will be good for him. I hope he doesn't forget our friendship. I was feeling ok about this until that mother abused me at work and now its hit me hard again. I would love to call Christian (my ex) and have a good chat with him about this situation. I lost his phone number and his email address isn't working so that has made me more angry.

Man Apart,

I didn't read the entire thread but here's my 2 cents. It looks like you're still trying to hang in there in spite of it all and that's great! One thing I'd like to say is beauty will not be what fixes you. There are tons of really attractive folks that have depression and tons of them that have committed suicide. Your issue is not beauty it's mostly self esteem. I don't believe that all the extreamly unattractive people in the world are depressed or anxious. Life may be a little harder for them but they find esteem through the friends they keep, the hobbies they have, and the jobs and careers they fight to build. Life is not easy and everyone has their own challenges to get through in life. Imagine how it's like to be one of those people who's had their faces disfigured by burns, or some car accident. It's tough to live life especially if we are not all born rich and beautiful. The thing is it doesn't matter what God has given you in life we have to make the best of it. If you don't have the looks you need to hang your esteem on other things because beauty is only temporary. I actually feel really sorry for all those super attractive people who attatch all the esteem on their looks. Eventually we all turn old and unattractive to society and we'll all have to deal with it as best we can. So hang in there k? Work on getting out more expanding your horizons and maybe get some therapy to build your self esteem. You say this place is a release for you. Have to tried keeping a journal? That is immensely theraputic to vent your frustrations. After a while read some of your jounal entries back to yourself and pretend to be a friend to yourself and give some advice to this troubled soul who's confiding in you. We all have to be our own friends and have the capability to be our own best therapists. There is always a way and there will always be new options. If you have currently exhausted your options with regard to medications there's always things like ECT or the new Vagus Nerve Stimulation therapies for drug resistant depression so hang in there and don't give up k? Take care!

Frank

I don't really expect anything to become of what I write on this board. I use it mainly as a release. I have to put all of these overflowing emotions somewhere. Can't write with a pen or paper, my hand shakes like a leaf sometimes. I guess I'll cut to the chase... I want to die. Not saying I am or will. I just have these overriding feelings of death. I'm lost. Lost in every way possible. Somewhere so dark. Somewhere so deep. I'm walking on a hopeless road. I'm scared. I'm hurting. I'm deeply tormented. Sad. Empty. I wake up everyday and I just have nothing left. Nothing there. Emptied.

Pardon me for this release. I'm just grasping at straws. Gasping for air. Everyday I wake up with this cold feeling deep in my gut. My broken mind. This condition. Depression, anxiety. Whatever it is. It controls me. Controls everything. I look in the mirror. It shouldn't even show a reflection. Theres just nothing there. Nothing left of me. I have no goals or ambitions. Im useless, no drive, no talent, no education, nothing. I can barely cry. Everyday my feet gets carved up from walking all over my past broken dreams. My past has bled me to death. Drain me of my happiness. My diginity. My life.

I wine, I moan. But everyone goes through their own little piece of hell. Mine is waking up everyday wondering why im still here. Wondering where my mind went. Knowing that its going to end very badly soon. My mind has already died. Just waiting for the body to come along with it. I can feel myself breaking down physically. Shame Im still kinda young, I got a long way to go still. But I feel the beginnings. Just keep eating every fattening greasy thing you can find. I cant feel my body breaking down, day by day. Its like my right to die. No reason to try anymore. I Hate every fiber of myself. I'm the worst part of scum. I'm relatively a nice guy. Think of me as the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. Big, scary, hairy even, mean looking, but filled with fear. I got a good heart but everything else I could throw in a big trash can and set on fire. Theres a little patch of ashes where my old self used to be. Memories of this young, vibrant, handsome(I wish), intelligent young man full of life, all just dumped into the ocean. There was a funeral a long time ago. I walked up to the casket and saw myself. I was dead on arrival the moment I was born. I hate every single thing that came out of my mother. I cant do anything for her. Theres nothing more I can say. I can't trust myself, when I'm enemy #1.

I'm going to help cleanse the gene pool and decide never to have children. Heck I don't have to worry about that. There isnt a woman alive that would let me get close enough to her just to even ask for the time. I'm so darn ugly I could serious slap God for making me this way. Or should I blame my parents. Or maybe I wouldn't look so bad if my life wasn't as rough and I wasn't 100lbs overweight. Oh and being black doesn't help. I turn on the news everyday, seeing young black men, one after another, wanted, dead, robbing, killing, arrested. Its so sad. They don't know anything else. Theyre raised around violence, theyre a product of it. I feel ashame sometimes. Almost like I need to apologize for my skin. But black or white, doesn't matter really. Theres no other burden or curse in life than being uglier than sin. Its like wearing the Scarlett letter. Everyone treats you different. But if your beautiful or even just average, its like having a incredible super power. People treat you differently. The world is more kind. Doors are open. Life is precious.

I'm a troubled, self-absored, relatively young person. I write sometimes as a outlet when I'm confronted with disaster. And I have a few very disastrous events heading my way. I have to let go of the only person who ever gave a darn about me. Its for her own good. Cos im just a cancer to her. If thats not painful enough, I have to reveal to my mother that I caught her husband and daughter having sex... again. And Im probably going to lose my job yet again. I try to take the pieces of my broken mind and just throw them out here and see if anyone can make sense of it. I have so much pressure in my head. So much to fear. Theres so many people that are going to be hurt because of me. And I can't stop it. I can't control it. It's not my fault. Theres just nothing I can do anymore. These words just lay dormant on my computer, just like boxing it up in my mind for further devestation. Nothing is explained. Noone can help me. I don't write my thoughts to be entertaining, or for pity. I write them in the way as if I was addressing a letter to the entire world that hates and rejects me. That stripped away my self worth, self esteem, and pride. I couldn't even begin to go through the bevy of misery that is my life. Im a waste of space and flesh.

It never ends. I'm trapped in a spider web. It just never ends. Theres no pill on earth that could help me. My last doctor told me "You've been on everything, I think you will just have to accept and deal with a certain level of this." Thanks Doc. But hes right. You name it, ive took it. It doesn't even put a dent into my depression, my anxiety, my fear.

Why was I born. Why was I born. This is all a mistake. Im a mistake. I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be this. Theres just nothign there. Nothing inside me. Why close my eyes. Theres nothing to dream. Why walk, I cant go anywhere. Why have a heart, I have noone to love. I just dont want to live. I dont care what God says about life being precious. Im very sorry to disagree with our almight father, if he/she/it exist, but precious to who? The beautiful? The rich? Yeah sure. They have alot to live for. Thats all life is about, trying to be beautiful and get rich. Life is precious. 3/4th of this world live in poverty. And what about the dying, the poor. What about the ugly? What about the sick, physically and mentally like many of the people on this board. I'd rather have broken arms and legs than a broken mind. You don't have your mind, you dont have anything. You can't determine whats real or not.

I have this overwhelming hatred for myself. My head throbs in pain sometimes for the amazing scorn I feel towards myself. Through all my struggle and desperation. I'm still right where I started. I beat myself. Punish myself. I feel all this guilt inside. Then after Im done, I ask myself, what did I do? Why do I do these things to myself? Well I hate you Rod.(oh thats my name btw, yeah, hi.) Because your ugly. Because your a mental midget. Because your not man enough to face the world. You let it get in. You let the depression get in. You let it consume you. Now theres a point of no return. You can't even take care of yourself. I hate you cos you eat to drown out the pain. Must be alot of pain, because you look like a whale. I hate you. Why couldn't you have been born handsome, smart, fearless, strong? Why did you lose your mind. It was the only thing you had left. You repulse me.

I don't know what I believe in. I don't know where I am. Everyone says itll be ok. But of course it won't. What happens when hope is lost? Does it ever wake you in the middle of the night. The fear. What does someone do when they awaken to that. Life is not precious to me. Its never been. Everyday is the same. I feel like Im forsaken. Or cursed or just simply, genetically challenged to live, to prosper, to find any resemblance of peace or happiness. Life isn't precious. But death. Oh, thats a treasure I can't wait to discover.
Right before I die, I hope im conscious enough to speak, I hope I can crack a little smile and tell myself, I'm free.
Dear Man Apart~

I'm down here NTHEZERO. It's empty...it's nothing. I need your help Man Apart. Who would of thought that a silly little 24 year white old girl like me could relate WORD FOR WORD from the heart of a black man. Our souls are one. Reading your letter was like an affirmation (sadly enuff) of everything I say to myself everyday. I've been diagnosed w/ severe depression, OCD, etc...since I was 10, but I remember feeling sad way b4 that. In fact, as far back as I remember, I remember being sad. Empty. And I've been given so many blessings, I don't deserve them b/c I cannot appreciate them. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I am so tired of all of this. All I want to do is sleep all of the time. It gotten past the point of emotional desperation; now I'm just a physical mess, shaking all of the time, eating and sleeping, I've taken up smoking again and I have bad asthma. I dont care. At least it helps me get thru 15 mins of the day. I feel resigned to hell on earth. Please help.

Down Here,

NTHEZERO :(

NTHEZERO, You seem so doomed. Your probably right, we share a void in our souls the size of the Grand Canyon. If you yell out my name loud enough you might hear a echo. After reading your reply I read some of your posts. You are suffering a great deal. I feel for you. You asked for my help. Well, I don't know how far the blind can lead the blind across a street with broken glass. I wish I could walk up into a children's hospital and give some dying 7 year old whats left of my health. They deserve it and would make more use of it than me.

White, black, asian, hispanic, it doesnt matter hun. Dont be surprised, were not all that different. Were all human made of the same junk inside. Were not what you think, not all of us. Hmm, you must be from the south? Yeah me too. Memphis. A city split right down the middle.

You know at some point you feel like time has just stopped and you wake up and it feels like you wake up to the same sad bad day of the week over and over. Nothing changes. People ask me what day it is, I have no idea sometimes. After awhile you don't feel like counting anymore. Depression is a life sentence, time doesn't matter anymore.

I sound like a broken record by saying this, just like so many people tell me, I don't know what I can do or say to help you. I'm dangling off the edge of the cliff myself. But, I'll tell you this and you can believe it or not. Somethings are impossible, but nothing and noone is hopeless. Its in you, its in me, its in every single person on this board, on his earth everywhere. For some of us its the size of a grain of salt, and some its the size of a grapefruit. But its there. Hope, faith. You have to embrace it. Emptiness can be filled, noones soul is a bottomless pit.

You smoke right? Turn off the lights in your room. Sit in the dark. Metaphorically thats where we are. Thats what depression is. Complete pitch black darkness. Cant see your hand if it was a inch from your face. But we all have a light inside. Flick your lighter. Yeah, its still quite dark, but its all that you have right now and like me you have to find something anything in your life to keep it, ignite it, grow it. Your hopes.

I did alot, some things helped, some didnt. One thing that helped me was I went to group therapy in a hospital. It bought me time. Saved me from killing myself. I sat down, looked around and realized, man, my life dont seem so bad. Im sitting next to a woman who hears voices and cuts herself and a guy crippled from alcoholic seizures. If that doesnt help you appreciate things more then nothing will. Cause that means your heart is somewhere far from you, and your gonna have to find that first if you want to even get started. They gave me strength not because of seeing their affliction, but seeing their resilancy, because here I am being helped by a group of people who wish they could be where I am. Man, its funny how that works. So I stopped feeling sorry for myself, but everyones tolerance is different. Hell is different for everyone. Believe it or not theres probably a homeless person somewhere happier than someone living in a mansion. Forget the abuse, the mental and physical torment, the depression, the fear, the anxiety, I accept all of that, I accepted my past Ive come to terms with it in some ways. Not all, but some. For me, the one thing in life I can't accept is being so physically appaulling that love is impossible for me to find. Some things are just... impossible. I cant except the way I was made. My face, my skin color, my body. Everything. Id feel better if I was a snail. Its just not fair. I can't compete with normal people. I certainly cant compete with the beautiful. I can't compete in this world.

I know its hard. Depression is almost perfect. Its exceedingly and thoroughly efficient in destroying every part of life. Every part of yourself. It just seems like your in a boxing ring and you look across at your opponent and see yourself. Why do you feel you dont deserve things, or blessings as you call it. Guilt... I kind of conquered that. It took a doctor making me realize Im punishing myself for a crime I didnt commit. Imagine the relief I got when I sat up in my hospital bed with a IV and heart monitor strapped to me and told my family, "you can be dissapointed and sad and "boo-hoo why you do this to us" all you want, but its NOT MY FAULT." You think I wanna be here? You think I want this? I never ask for it, noone does. Its not your fault NTHEZERO, so stop punishing yourself.

I used to sleep 14 hours a day. Man those were the glory days. Theres no better anti-depressant in this world than sleep. But I had to stop dreaming so much. Cos there were too many times I would wander in my house looking for my wife, calling her, go back in my room and look down at my bed and realize theres only one pillow, oh and by the way, Im awake now. Dreams can be so real, especially when you dream of something you cant live without. I quit sleeping so much and got a job and stuff. Since I dont self medicate or drink I basically use food as comfort. Better than drugs. I eat like a millionaire sometimes. I just order the best food I can buy. Hey my mind may have to suffer, but who says my tummy does. The food is my 15 minutes. If smoking gets your through 15 minutes, what else can you find in life that can give you 15 more, and then 15 more, and then 15 more, and then 15 more until you can keep yourself in a constant safe, comfort area, stay occupied, Idle hands is the devils playpen.

...I wouldnt be surprised if someone told me hell IS earth.

I'm no saint. Im no serpant. Im just a guy that woke up oneday and started asking questions your not suppose to know the answers to. Im just someone who realized my place, my value, my worth, my meaning, which is nothing. Im in a world dominated by hate. Im tormented with infinite envy. My envious eyes cant help but to glare at every thing and everyone around me thats made better, made smarter, made stronger, made beautiful. Your either born to be a supermodel or a superloser. Im just a ugly guy in a world dominated by beauty. Like oil and water, me and this world just don't mix.

I know youve been through alot, and you cant turn back time. But you can always rewind the clock. You don't need to be down here with me. You don't have to be here. You can find a way out. Theres always a way out. All i can say is best wishes to you and everyone. Im not really a hypocrite. I dunno maybe I am. Lets just say Im down here to let you know your in the wrong place. Turn around, and please.. leave.

Your words to nth show your strength. What if you helped one person? What if you saved one person? What if you had the chance to do it again? Your desire to help shows the goodness in your soul… the beauty in your soul. You recognize the beauty in other’s souls, sometimes only through writings or possibly just by observation, yet at the same time you notice the bad part in all as well. It hurts like hell to be so damn perceptive, to feel so strongly, to see this cruel world for what it is to the point where you have panic attacks. This is a gift and a plague. You see both beauty and ugly, light and dark, but not as black and white. You are truly and evolved species yet continue to suppress your own beauty and focus on the negative. Break free from the shackles you place upon yourself. That is reason to hope for tomorrow, fight into the future, so this life which is condemning your existence to nothing does not happen to others, does not continue to happen to you. Your experience is what you learn from and then teach from. You have learned so much, and have grown. I was once told that a man must suffer to be wise.

It always comes back to wanting that which you do not have. You have dreams.
‘I dream about holding someones hand at a movie. I dream about sitting in a classroom with my hand raised. I dream about being at work helping others. What does a kiss feel like with someone you love? What does it feel like to dance with friends in a club. What does it feel like to have a social life. Will I ever get to make love to someone special. Will I ever get to hold my child in my arms or chase after him or her in the backyard. Will I ever be able to not be afraid. Can I ever forgive myself. Can I ever love myself. Will life ever begin for me.’
These questions are the good questions. These dreams are great dreams; never give them up and never give up on them. Your reward will come with what your spiritual self could think of as faith. Remember the thing about loving yourself first. That is the first step. These goals may require more time than 15 years, and who knows how long you have, but going out attempting to achive these goals would make your life a complete success. Giving up on them is sad pitiful failure. Mick Jagger said it best. ‘You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need.’

Keats was looking at Grecian urn with lovers on it. Timeless art. He derived an unproven proof in this statement.

Keats felt that the deepest meaning of life lay in the apprehension (fear) of material beauty, although his mature poems reveal his fascination with a world of death and decay. I think he is very much like you, he also said ‘Darkling I listen; and for many a time I have been half in love with easeful Death’. The beauty truth statement was made in the imagination while admiring materialistic art. The idea of beauty being truth and truth being beauty, acting as synonyms, actually only exists in the imagination as an unproved proof, because in reality this is by no means true. In the real world, beauty is often fleeting and deceiving, and truth can be uncomfortable and dangerous, or one could even say insidious (you have depth if you can use words like this, so stop selling your self short, it is quite unattractive).

Your analysis of the quote was therefore right, but mostly showed that you are as negative as the flat side of a battery. You had a choice to dig into the positive realm, use your imagination, yet it was so much easier for you to dig into the negative, let society define beauty, and internalize all that is wrong, therefore you did.

There are so many things that have happened to you in your life that are the truth but by no means have any beauty. This is your baggage. You must carry it, but eventually is time to put it down, but keep traveling. Rod, think about moving out and creating a positive space for yourself, where your books can collect dust.

There is light in this world, Do not live in the dark.

And oh yea, The kid, and others, and you, are probably right…..you’re face may look like you were hit by a shovel, but who gives a f*** anyway. Only you. Anyone who does has a problem that hurts you to see and feel. Forgive them, for they are not as enlightened as you.

You could walk into a childrens hospital or volunteer. Stop by the Would you trade a life of paralysis for a pretty face. Every little thing in live is a blessing.

rfus, a heartfelt thanks for your reply. You remind me of someone I used to play chess with. Not literally, but he helped me choose a path, even gave me tokens for the boat ride across the foggy river. He was the only person in the world that got me to open up the bible and actually read it with a open mind and not like I was reading some comic book. But then he turned his back on me. So I closed the book. I got off the boat. I threw the pawns on the floor. We helped each other, but ultimately we wasted each others time. I still have the tokens he gave me. Hes never asked for them back.

You speak like he does. Which in this case means I basically agree with most of everything you've said. Not all. I took it to heart and just want to say thanks for now, rfus. I appreciate your words and wisdom.

Maybe this is a "crazy" idea. But just maybe, it is not. What do you think would happen, ManApart, if you wrote an Internet personal ad that said something like, "Overweight SBM, works graveyard shift, loves to write, but often doesn't leave the house, seeking female going through similar life, for friendship. I don't care what you look like if you won't care what I look like." What stops you from doing something like that? The reason I ask is, I'm sure out there in your city is someone just like you who would be your friend... Would you consider trying this?

Yo Man,

Check out some other books. One is called 'the power of now', another is called 'how to know god' by Deepak Chopra. I'm not really a fan of organized religion other than for family purposes. It is different down south from what I've seen. I saved my money once, got in my car and just drove around the country for 3+ months. I ended up in Memphis on 40 one night. I swear elvis came to my tent that night. He told me to shave my sidebuns in a dream. But then I realized it was a few born agains stopping by my campsite trying to convince me to be saved and accept Jesus the lord as my savior. Religion is a personal thing and there is no sense in debating it. I listened to what they said and was polite. Who really knows for sure anyhow. If there was some second coming of a Jesus figure I am sure todays society would crucify him even faster than we did the last christ.

I really believe in the goodness, or hope, and faith to keep going like you were talking about. I do believe in a non random force, call it god or what you will, but it is there with us. It is the smiles on babys faces, the incredible life force in nature, the peacefulness in quiet meditation. There is a story of a man that died. He looked back at his life and it was shown as footprints down a long beach. One set of footprints belonged to the man, the other to god. As he followed the footprints the scenes of his life flashed by. He noticed at all the tough, painful, depressed, sad, and lonely times in his life that one of the sets of footprints disapeared. He thought to himself. Why at all these trying times in my life did you leave me god, but his question which was never answered in the course of his life now had an answer. God said, 'I never left you, it was then that I carried you.'

And I only bring that up because it seems that as down as you get, the lowest of the lows, a place you would never wish upon anyone, and hate yourself, you seem to notice a force that keeps you going.

How goes the battle? For me, today, of all the days I have ever had, is one of them. I liked your last post. Your a chess player eh...

I'm white and your black. My move. e4
8 r k b Q K b k r
7 p p p p p p p p
6
5
4 p
3
2 p p p p p p p
1 r k b Q K b k r
a b c d e f g h

I'm not sure about those ads uni. I called one once, she said by day i'm a banker, at night I'm a spanker, but he turned out to be a lawyer who was a full time voyuer. ;)

peace Rod,

rfus

my chessboard didn't come out right. It looked good in the text but didn't work. If you know how to play alphanumerically I'm all game. I'll even set up a board next to my bed which I'm still stuck in most of the time. We could do a move every day.

I agree with you ,rufus ,I'm not a big fan of organized religion.I believe there is no room for politics in religion.I prefer to see God in the birds and other creatures he has created.I just don't enjoy church anymore except for the peace I experience when no one is there.I'd like to suggest another book,The purpose driven life which you might enjoy.

No its not a crazy idea. Its a disasterous one. For me anyway. Its one of the worst experiences of my life. Yeah I had a little profile, even a picture believe it or not. Mermaid knows what I look like, unfortunately. I tried it twice. I guess i could leave well enough alone. Imagine how I felt when I got that first interest email. Like a kid in a candy store. Sometimes you get desperate. And you make mistakes when your desperate. Cos your running carelessly full speed ahead and dont care how you get there.

First time I did it, was a girl name Melissa about 4 years ago. I got her email. Single mother(had the cutest lil girl I ever seen), overweight, white, dirt poor, looking for real relationship, someone who love me for me, blah blah, etc etc etc. We talked on the phone for 2 weeks. She seemed smitten. And I couldn't help but to be entrenched in her venus flytrap. I was.. desperate. We planned to meet. I bought new clothes, new shoes, jewelry, cologne, starved myself for a week, bought flowers. Before I went to her house I looked in the mirror. I saw something Ill probably never see again. It was the closest to normal I ever looked. I looked human. Almost like everyone else. Almost below average even. I wish I could have taken a picture.

We planned to meet on new years eve cos we wanted our first kiss to be at 12. She opened the door. She was wearing probably the finest dress she ever owned and it probably cost $15 from K-mart, but she was beautiful to me. I gave her the flowers, we hugged and it all went to hell from there. Long story short. She faked a headache so we didnt get to kiss that night. But I went home happy. I thought she was genuinely nice. 2 days later I get the worst "You've Got Mail" of my life. It was from her. I was so happy, all her emails prior were so sweet. She wrote "Rod, your the nicest, sweetest man I ever met, but I have to be honest with you, I'm so emotionally and mentally attracted to you, but not physically. I dont deserve you, youve did so much for me, blah blah blah, I didnt bother reading the rest.

I learned a valuable lesson that night. Never trust a average or normal looking woman. Never trust the normal people. Never trust the attractive and certainly not the beautiful. Especially one that acts interested in me.

I tried to kill myself later that night. Drove to a 24 hour waffle house resturant parking lot and sat in the freezing cold for 6 hours listening to sports talk radio til the sun came up. I didnt want to die at night for some reason. I wanted to see the sun one last time as if it was the eye of God looking at me so I could ask him to forgive me, please. I wrote a short suicide letter, folded it and put it in my coat pocket.....Memo to anyone who feels they want to die. Do not try drinking bleach mixed with ammonia and Sprite. Just.. don't. I've done some dumb things in my life and that was one of the dumbest.

The 2nd time was very recent. Last May actually. I was in a dark, morbid place. I mean my sanity was slipping away as each day passed. It was around the same time I checked myself into the hospital for group therapy. But everything was just haunting me all at once. I was being suffocated by loneliness and tormented with envy. My insurance coverage ran out on my group sessions. I got worse and worse. I put up another profile. This time to some foreign website. I thought to myself, Ill find a nice 3rd world country woman and bring her here and treat her like a Queen and give her everything she could ever want if she just loved me genuinely and tried the best she could to forget the fact that Im african american and look like one of those trolls from the Lord of the Rings movie.

I can't say her name right now. Too painful to type. I met her online. She lives in the Philippines. First time I saw her on webcam I thought I bit off more than I could chew. She is just beautiful. There were times she would sit up close to the cam and I just became paralyzed looking at her eyes. She was perfect in my eyes and my heart. Sweet, shy, conservative, dressed very proper, didnt wear alot of make up. She told me about her life, how she had a brother die in front of her, how she walks to school barefoot sometimes, she developed a breasts cyst and her parents had to sell their land for her medication and treatment, they lived in a squatter house the size of my room. But everyday, she was happy. Full of life. She saved my life. She made me appreciate life at that time. She wanted to see me. For months I denied her because, I knew once she saw me, it was over. I sent her some pictures and bought a webcam and a funny thing happened.... we became closer.

I don't know if anyone can fall as deeply inlove with someone as I did with her. My depression was still affecting me, but I was far from where I had been. I had moments where I felt the distant memory of happiness coming back to me. She kept telling me on webcam to smile, smile smile for me. She tell me jokes and make funny faces. And then oneday she didnt have to ask me anymore, I learned how to smile again. For 6 months I worked for free almost saving up for my trip to see her. A November to remember. I got my passport, my tickets. I couldn't believe this. Me, Rod, going around the world, to a beautiful island meeting a beautiful girl, someone wake me! Wait a minute, don't wake me! Were in love. Then came the day before. For 6 months I was oblivious to what would occur that day. Ive talked about it before in previous posts. Lets just say I had the worst panick attack in the history of panic attacks. Couldnt pack my clothes. Felt like I was shovelling bricks in my suitcase. Felt like I was being choked, the awful pain in my stomach, the shaking, vomiting, nausea, and I fought it, got d*mnit I fought it and fought it and fought it like I was on my carpet floor wrestling with a invisible demon. But, it just never would let me go until I made up in my mind I wasnt going. To this day I dont understand what happened to me or why. Its unexplainable, undescribable, its just a mystery to me. The worst thing I ever had to do in my life was phone text her that I couldnt come there. $1400.00 or so dollars down the drain. I was 6 hours away from my flight. From freedom. And fear caught me.

It didnt help that I later found out that I wouldnt be able to bring her to America anyway. You have to jump over Mt. Everest to pull someone out of the philippines. I still deeply love her. Will never forget her. She gave me something I didn't even know existed. It was the most beautiful 6 months of my life. I was able to dream while I was awake.

i know how u feel! never give up hope no matter what people do care! i care!
~whitney~

Rfus, I have to post this one seperately to you. I never played a board of chess in my life. The chess game I was talking about was the mental chess game me and my former chessmate played. Because with every negative move I made he would checkmate me something positive. And it seemed like he blocked me from the negative patterns and maneuvers my distorted mind would conjure up. When I read your post it just seemed like you countered me. You made sense and made me.. think.

I don't know if I help Nth. But I think I almost helped someone once. There was young woman in one of my group therapy classes that I exchanged phone numbers with. They always enocouraged patients not to communicate with oneanother outside of group. Its like a unwritten rule. I can definitely see why. Not saying she wasn't a nice person but she was about as unstable as a volcano. I'd get these 10 pm calls of her rattling her little bottle of Lexapro telling me shes going to take them all and she can't take it anymore. I'd sit up and talk her through her panic attacks and calm her down til I got that first little giggle out of her, then it was goodnight. Then I found myself in an even more volatile situation. She called me mid-day once crying because her ex-boyfriend was there beating her. I asked her to give me her address cos I was going to call the police, but she refused. I will never understand that about women. Man, I knew the street, knew where the house was, just not the address. So I had to drive over there myself with no clue what I'm going to do. I can't fight. Like I said, I'm the cowardly lion. But hey at least this is a little break from the endless boredom that is my life. What the heck.

I got there and he was gone. I sat next to her, talked to her. Told her she was beautiful and didnt seserve to go through this. Took her to get something to eat, made her feel a little better. Then she noticed I was in a state of discomfort. I'd maxed out the time Im usually able to function in public. My keen awareness or delusions started to kick into overdrive and I was no longer able to focus on anything while my envy colored shades were on. It starts with a group of friends, or a attractive couple sharing a soda to my left, or a couple holding hands across the street. The normal people. The normal life. I crave it like a vampire craves blood. She asked me if Id stick around at her place, I told her I had to go but Id see her at group tomorrow. I sped home like fear and anxiety was in a mack truck chasing me from behind. I never saw or heard from her again. Guess her insurance ran out for group. Guess Im too afraid too call. She needed a friend. Something a hermit like me cant provide her.

I don't know if I'm a good person or not. I'm very much a contradiction. I have enormous compassion for people but equally as much hatred and anomosity towards the world.

Suffering does make you wise. It does something else too. It humbles you. There are many things I want I don't have. Simple things. If Im still asking the same questions now at 26 I was asking when I was 16, what makes me think Ill ever get what I want OR need out of life. I haven't gave them up, but Ive been hurt and hurt alot of people trying to obtain them. These simple little dreams. Some people dream of being a rock star or movie star or politician. Me at 26, I dream about my first kiss, my first day back in college, my first real date. I dream about oneday being able to go out on the weekend and see a movie with friends, or just being able to go to a theme park or mall somewhere and just relax all day just for once without worrying about a panic attack. I dream about a day when I dont have to pop a clonazepam in my mouth just so I can go to the store or to a gas station to fill my car.

Loving myself.... Loving me? Loving myself. Ahh, saying it just sounds like a oxymoron. Id love me if I didnt hate me so much. Boy thats a toughie. You know, Id love myself immensely if there were no mirrors in the world and everyone thought that ugly was the newest trend. I could light myself on fire and it would enhance my looks.

Yeah it is hard to have so many good qualities... inside. Yeah im a pessimist. Im extremely negative, because until something positive happens Im always going to be negative. Until someone see me for me and accepts me for me Im always going to be negative, until the world flips from shallow to unshallow Ill always be negative, until peace and love prevail over war and hate, Ill always be negative. Until I can stop being turned down for job cos of the color of my skin Ill always be negative. Until my dad and sister stop having sex behind my mothers back ever so steadily prompting me to shatter what little is left of this family, Ill always be negative. Until depression and anxiety disorder decides it wants to give me my life back Ill always be negative. But thats a fantasy world. I live in a world where people hate and fear the color of my skin, repulsed by my looks, and in a world where people vomit out anything with more than 20 grams of fat in it and spend thousands on pills, weight loss and cosmetic surgery just so they dont have to look like me. Its a obsession for a reason. Human being cant bear living without being accepted, having attention, feeling wanted, and being love.

Oh but I have so much to live for. I have a car and a nice place to live and my health despite being diabetic. I dont care for material things. You cant see a car smile back at you. You cant hug a tv. You cant kiss a Xbox, you cant hold hands with a DVD player. I dont care about this crap. Id trade it all in. I used to be poor once. Used to sleep on the floor while mice ran across my feet. I know what poverty is like. But it doesnt hold a candle to having poverty of the mind. The poor can be rich, the sick can be cured, but the duck can never swim with the swan. Show me one thing a unattractive 26 year old black man from memphis with Morbid depression, OCD, and anxiety, diabetes should be positive about? Sometimes I feel like theres nothing wrong with me, I just live in a seriously F'ed up world.... Nah its me... No its the definitely the world. Well, ok its both.

Im moving out soon. I think itll help. Moving away from this toxic enviroment. Breathing some good air.

I can never forgive them. The people that tortured frankenstein. They all took part in it. I can see each face. I can hear every laugh. I can see them all pointing at me. The laughing, I cant stand it. Every punch. Every slap or kick. Every nick name they gave me. Every scar. My broken leg. Everything stolen. All the abuse, the torment. I jus feel like a circus freak. Kids, teenagers, adults, its all the same. Just different ways of showing it relentless indulgence of gratifying themselves and their existence by showing theyre normal and better than you. The world puts you in your place. Biggest lie in the bible is that were all created equal.

I'm never spending another day reading any religious books. If there is a God he can judge me now and I swear if my name wasnt in the Book of life in Heaven Id be shocked. So you tell me I have to go from Hell A to Hell b? I only struggle with my faith because this world has tainted your grace. I dont see anything of God here. They wiped out every trace of goodness. God is a world broken into a trillion pieces. How am I suppose to pick up a few and base my entire life on it. I just dont know.

There is something that keeps me going. Its a collection of things. I cant really explain it right now though. Im in a mudslide emotionally right now. I've made the first move. That is all you know. Peace to you too, rfus and everyone else.

Rod... (deep breath)...I've debated posting in this thread for a long time. The last person who I posted to who felt insecure in his looks tore me down and accused me of making a mockery of his plight--which couldn't have been further from my intentions. However, I realize that you and he are not one and the same, and I'd like to take a shot, if only to give you a glimmer of hope.

When people speak of themselves as ugly, I think of my boyfriend. No, not because he's ugly--but because other people have tended to perceive him that way because he's not run of the mill. You mentioned a little girl pointing and commenting on your looks. My boyfriend gets that nearly every time we go out. Maybe, given your ethnicity, you're familiar with keloids. If not, what keloids are, are raised, puffy scars. You can do an image search for keloids on the web and get a good visual. My boyfriend has one large keloid on his right cheek, and two on his left. He has them all over his back, and sporadically on his arms, torso, and legs. He's balding. He's overweight. He wears glasses. That is how he looked when I met him. That is how he looked when I fell in love with him. He could have been in your place, and simply deemed himself, "ugly," doomed to never know friendship and love. Instead, he put on a smile everyday, opened up to people, did what any "beautiful" person would do, and not only was he popular in "his day," many girls had a crush on him. I feel downright *lucky* to be the winner of this amazing man, and I think I have the most beautiful person alive. Now, you may think that I must not be a prize, myself, and so I just took what came along. Not so. While I personally don't find myself attractive, I had 12 boyfriends prior to Kris, and at the time I met Kris, I had people telling me I looked like Alicia Silverstone. I was hardly desperate. Nor am I unique. I see interesting couplings all the time. Kris has a friend who looks like a Cameron Diaz replica who is married to a man that must be at least 150 pounds overweight. Yes, there are many shallow people in this world, but if you'll be receptive to the belief that people like myself or LeAnn (Carmen's twin) are out there, you'll also find that love is in your cards, too.

I don't know if my post will change anything. I just want you to know... you're not ugly. No way.

Hugs,
EoR

Hi EoR,
Love in the cards..... I wonder about love being in the cards and how does one know where and when? How does one not be too afraid? Or how does one recognize the chance and take it when that person is terrified of being hurt?
I think you're right that for the most part, it's not really about "looks"... at my job, I have to cashier a lot, and most of the people who come through my line have wedding rings on their left hands. They run the entire spectrum "looks-wise." However, I am also getting good at predicting who will not have the ring... it's often the people who look the most exhausted or depressed, emotionless. And I wonder, do they look that way because the lonliness has "gotten to them," or are they lonely because they are depressed and thus isolate themselves? But there is also a difference between being able to "get a date" and being a person someone wants to marry. I've had boyfriends, consider myself average looking, but have not yet been loved "enough" to be given the ultimate love gift: wedding vows. I keep writing in here about my recent break-up (his decision that after 4 years, I was not worth committing to). I am struggling so much not to isolate myself. I don't feel I really know HOW to put myself out there. So perhaps your boyfriend can write up some advice for all of us, and you could post it here? Specifically what strategies and techniques did he use to make new friends, attract his girlfriends and you, without coming across as desperate or coming on too strong?

Rod- sometimes it's the emotional scars that make us turn away from others rather than the physical, don't you agree? Human nature being what it is, people are attracted to those who make them feel better about themselves aren't they? "Oh, they make me feel cheerful, positive and happy" and so on and don't require much on an emotional level. Not many want to scratch the surface and see what lies beneath- that's too much hard work-too much reality. On a different note- if you loved this girl and she cared for you, couldn't someone else. Excuse my crass remarks, I expect you've heard them all before but you remain in my thoughts every day. Teresa.

EoR, your making a mockery of me! Just kidding... Bad humor attempt. Im sorry for whoever you intented to help tried to tear you down. I can understand its a sensitive subject to alot of people but Ive been criticized, demonized, called a fraud, banned, and called all kinds of other things on this board. But I never put someone down for taking the time to say something to me, good or bad.

I know a persons perception of you shouldnt become your reality. But what about a hundreds or thousands of people's percetion of you. What good is a mirror when you have hundreds of them walking around reflecting what you look like to them. Your boyfriend must have thick skin. I dont have any skin. Thats why I isolate. I cant stand salt being rubbed on my wounds. Its hard to accept something when it compromises your entire existence negatively and severely and you cant do anything to change it.

Lets not forget im suffering from depression and anxiety. Im probably not as ugly as I would preceive myself...well, no I really do look that bad. But I do admit my mental health distorts what I really see in the mirror at times. And alot of things manifest inside me that isnt really there. There are exceptions to the rules. Ive seen a badly burned man with his wife/girlfriend and kid at a park once and he had his shirt off and was having the time of his life. There are exceptions. But the rules are still there. Some people have it, some dont. I guess I dont. I always go back to telling the story of when I was in college a few years ago and I was doing my best to be confident, and outgoing, and social under advisement of my counsellor at the time. He told me to "fake it." Ill never forget it cos it just proved my point and ultimately lead to me dropping out 7 weeks later. I sat in the front row, something I never did. Handed out paper. Was nice to everyone. I told a joke in class. Noone laughed. Ahh ok maybe it wasn that funny. No big deal. Another student walked in class late. Slim attractive guy, dumb as a log, wasnt very bright and frequently slept in class. And for some reason many of the classmate loved him, wanted to sit next to him. So anyway this particular day he came in late, sat down, about 15 minutes later he told the EXACT joke I said. The class erupted. Laughing hysterically. You dont laugh with frakenstein. You laugh at him. Thats another extraordinary thing about beauty. It enhances your sense of humor tremendously.

I think you are a prize. A extremely rare precious peice of something special. You cant find love in someones skin and bones. It doesnt exist there but constantly people fall so deeply in love with the look of the candy and not the taste of it. You find it with your heart, not your eyes.

Alicia Silverstone huh? *whistle* I can't whistle but at least I can type it.

One reason I have so much anomosity towards dating is because of the unfair degree of difficulty of it. Plus Im way too sensitive to be crushed and judged to pieces. You strike out and strike out and strike out and then here comes some handsome guy at the plate and hits a game winning grandslam. When you start talking about strategies and techniques like your diagraming a football play, thats when I just lose all faith and ponder if its worth all of this. Just for love. Looking for that needle in a stack of needles. The more needles I dig and pick through the more I get stuck. The more I bleed. The more I hurt. The more you just want to give up. The rejections build up to a point where your feelings are so raw you cant even walk up to anyone anymore. It just hurts for me to know, Im noones type.

EoR. Thank you. You are very sweet and im grateful you wrote me after all the debating. But I think that even you have to agree that to me you and people like you are needles in a stack of needles. I know shes out there, but Ill never find her.

Te34resa, for some yes its the emotional scars. For me its both emotinal and the physical scars. I can make people laugh, blush, flutter, and all those type of things, but th emost important thing to most people is having arm candy. Thats priority number one.. Human nature. The rules of attraction. Societies standards. People more than likely take the pleasure their eyes can provide them. You know what I am to most women? The perfect friend. I make them feel great and butter them up and oh they wish they could find a guy as sweet as me, just not as ugly.

She loves me yes. Shes from a 3rd world country, she has alot of incentives to look way pass my mug. I look awfully handsome to someone like her. Shes humble, conservative, and in her mind Im a American King. If she was raised in this country Id find it hard she would feel the same way. Because humbleness doesnt exist in this society. We have too much of everything. And vanity and shallowness is 2nd nature here.

Thanks for ur remarks, and for your thoughts.

Hi Rod,
It's Saturday night, and I'm sitting alone, and I thought of you. It's amazing to me that you're only 26 (I'm 25), because you write like you're in your 30's at least. You probably feel like you are. I do too, most of the time. I dread getting older, but that's another post. Anyway, you just wrote, "I know she's out there, but I'll never find her." I know it's easier not to try... I am just barely starting to try to date after a horrid heartbreak, and I am resisting it. Maybe I am scared... afraid to open my heart... afraid I will yet will be rejected, but I also know you and I are too young to give up. I know you're tired of hearing that, and it's easier for me, because I don't have anxiety, and I don't dislike how I look, but please don't read this post, sigh, and think, "What does she know?" or "I can't." You're the one who just wrote, "She's out there." Yes, looking is risky and is a HUGE mountain to climb, but let's say you look but don't find her, will you feel worse than you do now? I don't really think so, you'll feel the same. Besides, you could always just keep trying and keep trying. That is what I plan to do, because I realize if I don't, I end up alone and regret not trying. But if I do keep trying, well, maybe I will find someone. I know neither one of us wants to be back here in 5 years regretting not even trying. I know I keep saying the same things to you every time I post; please don't be upset. I know how difficult it is to keep feeling pain, how tempting it is to "harden your heart." I know you have horrendous things to deal with (such as the situation between your father and sister, oh my lord, do I feel for you and her and your mom.) I know you don't feel "thick skinned" enough to handle the possibility of a lot of rejection. I don't, either. But maybe we could form a little support group here with others who feel similar, and support each other in our efforts, and keep each other posted. Let me know if you reach a point you're willing to try again. Of course the bad, depressed days will come back, when none of us will want to try anymore , and we'll want to give up, but then eventually a "good" day will come when we think, Well, maybe I can....

Unicorn, Hi. I hope your fine and not too alone there. Im sorry for your heartbreak. Ive had many myself. Its amazing what a 8th grade level reader can do sometimes huh? lol. I never really learned anything in school until about the 11th grade when my parents put me in a catholic school. I salvaged as much of my education as I could.

You dread getting older cos you dread looking unattractive? Don't worry. Beauty doesn't age. Only your skin and body does. But you already know that. Of course every donkey, zebra, horse, even a Clydesdale aspire to be a Unicorn like you.

It is easier not to try. Its just like stockpiling painful memory after painful memory. Every experience is a "heartbreak." You can wear armour from head to toe but once you expose your heart your risking it all