Good Morning everybody!

Well, the last few days have been fairly frantic. My neck went out on me again, and I went charging (slowly) off to the Doctor who took one look at me, poked me and sent me off for emergency Physio. They put a TENS machine on me (ouchy but nice) and discussed management plans. She's going away for 3 weeks, and will call me on her return. In the meantime, I'm in a neck brace with ice-packs every 2 hours, major painkillers that knock me silly and I feel like a right twit sitting here with my neck in this huge foam thingy wrapped around my neck.

It's not a pretty picture ladies ... LOL

Anyway, the other day (Thursday)I discovered MIL at the bottom of the stairs with her Webster Pack (Medication pack) quite agitated, and I noticed that she only had 2 days left of pills. The pack goes from Monday to Sunday. So if I noticed on Thursday she only had pills for Sat & Sun, Where did friday's go?? I figured she wanted to get her replacement pack, so DH got in the car with her and ..................................... went to the bank.... oh .. so much for THAT interpretation. Thursday night dinner, I check her webster pack and find tablets for SUNDAY left. OH NO !!!!

So DH pointed out to her that she's taken too many tablets. MIL's reaction? "Oh .. well" but it does explain her fuzzy'ness the last few days eh? AND I managed to point out that if she has a 'Nanna Nap' and wakes up, she MIGHT think it's the next day and ........... voila ........ take another lot of pills. BIL and DH AND FIL agreed with me !!

Anyway, I've also been spending alot of time ringing around trying to find someone to SHOWER FIL .. it ain't that easy. You can read THAT story on the CAREGIVERS section of this board. Just me waffling on ... but showing that it's a frustrating circle !!!

TODAY, BIL and DH are taking FIL to the Living Facility for a Sausage Sizzle (bribe him with food) and a tour of the facility.

ACAT FINALLY did the Assessment on FIL (we won't hold our breath with MIL will we?) I don't know what those results were, but they DID tell FIL that he has to be realistic. Then the Respiratory Physician turned up and backed up the ACAT team's words with the logical "your NOT going to get better, you ARE going to get worse, AND your time IS limited"

Harsh words, but words that needed to be said. Anyway FIL isn't BUCKING the tour (although I have a feeling he's just humouring everybody else and will call his own agenda) AND he's due home afterwards.

Oh goodie ....

And ........ just to make you smile ........ since we figured MIL's dates are out, today she wandered upstairs with the HUGE Saturday Paper (FIL's) ... and tried to give it to us. I said "Today is Saturday, that's FIL's paper" and she looked at me, and at the paper and said "oh" and then tried to hand it back to me and I repeated myself. I DID NOT get up, I stayed on the lounge, and I just raised my eyebrows at her and said "It's Saturday dear"and she turned around and went downstairs muttering.

DH said "Well, I ain't taking her to church today!!"

LOL LOL LOL LOL ......

And yes, I have next week's webster pack here, and we're not handing it over until Sunday night when we will give it to FIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs girls ........ I'll write more if I find out what happens today with 'the visit'.

Sally

It looks like even those packs are not foolproof. I had Mom's pills in a holder marked S M T W Th F Sa ..but one day she took both Monday's and Tuesday's, etc.

There's no getting around it, you or someone else has to hand her THIS DAY's PIlLLS ONLY.

Oh Sally, your poor neck. How in the world are you ever going to gert rid of this thing? Hot pack ,ice pack, braces or exercises or operations .. how confusing. I wish you luck but have no solutions except get as far away from BOTH in-laws as possible.(should I say ALL in laws) until you are 100% well again. Those who have done little or nothing have to step in NOW, do the full time care, whether it's only her or both of them, and let you entirely off the hook.

You may be surprised how fast a residential place is found for MIL when anyone else but St. Sally is doing the full time care ...

God bless you and heal you!

Love, Martha

So sad to hear you're in such pain. I do hope everyone will rally together to help you with MIL, the kids and FIL. I hope you do insist that he cannot come home. You are in no shape to deal with him and MIL and her moods should he come home. You need peace and rest. I can't help but wonder how much of what you're going through healthwise is made worse by the stress you're under.

Please rest. Let others take care of those stressful details.

Love, Barb

Hi Sally,

Good to hear from you, but SO sorry your neck is giving you fits. Do step back as have others do the gazillion things you were doing for everyone. No matter what anyone says for the next few weeks, it's not your job anymore.

Will the Webster packs work if you cut the package into daily doses? Then MIL could be given just the pack for that very day. Maybe the pharmacy would work this out for the family.

Hope FIL is honestly looking ahead at the care he'll soon need. It must have been hard to hear that he'll be worse and the end is not far off. Bless his heart.

Bless you, dear Sally, and your heart and neck! Remember - it's not your job!

Most gentle hugs - Barbara :)

Hi again ...

well it's been an 'interesting' day to say the least.

BIL and DH took MIL AND FIL off to visit the Facility. MIL .. well, nobody actually knows if she figured it out or what, she just wandered around and followed the crowd LOL. FIL however started:

Whinge: The Room is too small.
Answer: It's bigger than the square you have yourself living in now

Whinge: What about my 9 foot extension hose?
Answer: You can use your portable oxygen.

Whinge: I can walk to the other side of the house at home.
Answer: Yeah, but you DON'T.

You get the idea. If there was a negative, he found it.

However..........he hasn't said NO outright .. so we're hoping he's thinking on it. I might even suggest a 2 week respite if we can get it, then he can really try it out properly !!! I'll work on that one.

MIL is VERY addled at the moment. FIL's first night home in 2 weeks and she didn't have ANYTHING out for dinner. Mad dash upstairs (oh, it's my night off) and I threw some lasagne on a plate, with some leftover mashed potato and some frozen peas for DH and MIL to heat up.

That'll do ....... I REFUSE to give up my 'night off'. FIL IS being gentle with me and my neck. But poor DH is running up and downstairs like a lunatic (yes, here we go again) ....

Thank heavens we have 2 weeks of holidays now and I have people at home to help !!!!

Anyway .. that's the latest in the Saturday Chapter.

Hugs to all

Sally

And: An addition:

The webster packs can't be cut up. They are in a plastic frame ... I'll try and describe it to you:

down the left hand side, is

MON
TUE
WED
THUR
FRI
SAT
SUN

next to each day are three blister bubbles, one for Morning, one for lunchtime, one for dinner. The chemist puts the required tablets for the required time in the appropriate blister bubble. Once the week it's sealed on the back then put into the frame. Obviously, we return the frames each week so they can be reused, but the blister packs are new each time. It's SUCH a good idea !!!

We've given the webster pack to FIL .. he can dole out her medication.

I'M NOT DOING IT.

Although MIL scared the willies out of me today .. I was playing yahoo Canasta online and in my monitor I saw her behind me.

I JUMPED .. and she came up, and gently cuddled me making coo'ing noises and 'awww' noises. I think she's worried about my neck. (Helps I was in the brace at the time eh?)

Still ... it's scary .. nice .. but scary .....

Ok ... gotta go this time ...

Hugs again
Sally

So what goes on with FIL? Did he make a decision yet?

Sorry for the short note but I just realized what time it is. I have to go to Joliet for a meeting my husband and I run every Sunday morning.

Love, Barb

Hi Sally,

The FIL solution for the Webster pack sounds like the right solution. Maybe you should patent the single day pack idea for those caregivers who have no FIL available to dole out the pills!!

I'm also curious about FIL's choice of lodging. I second Barb's question.

Glad MIL is slightly doting on you after seeing the neck brace. This is promising...???!

Back to my guests who are here for 2 more days.

Cheers and hugs - Barbara :wave:

Morning girls

FIL talked to me about "that place the boys dragged me off to" (hmmm .. not a good start) and informed me how unimpressed he was with the whole deal. I gave him the same arguments back .. your space will be bigger ... you have to compromise with the O2, your saving money by not paying house bills,

and ..... he's said, without saying the actual words, "not a hope in hell". I then asked him what he thought of it for MIL, and he said "not much chop either" (which means, not a hope in hell as well)

so ...................... my DH is going to approach his father and say "Dad, we've been doing this for a year. I want my family back. You've got until July to do something" (July being our NEXT school holidays).

I'll believe it when I see it.

Hugs
Sally

Is he accepting the fact that he's dying? If he has, do you think that maybe he's making all these excuses about the rooms being too small because he wants to die at home with MIL and the rest of the family by his side? Or he just a stubborn ole' goat? ;)

Anyway, now that the time has been moved to July, what is going to be done about showers and all?

And how is the broken wing?

Love, Barb

Well DH has to actually SAY something to his father about July ... as I said, I'll believe it when it happens.

WE'VE GOT SOMEBODY IN TO SHOWER ....... YIpeeeeeeee .. It just took me CRYING on the phone to ACAT about the frustration I've had GETTING some kind of acknowledgement .. mind you .. it's costing FIL $19.50 a shower .. he's not happy. He said "perhaps it's time to blackmail the family?" and I said "Well goodluck, cause I've begged and they've all flatly refused .. even your nurse SON" .. that went down like a lead balloon let me tell you.

Yes, he's going to make all the excuses under the sun NOT to go into a living facility .. yes, he wants to die at home. I think he's terrified of being left alone, and no amount of support letting him know he WON'T be will help. I DID tell him that MIL will end up in one of these facilities, sooner rather than later .. and if she get's any fuzzier, it will definately be sooner.

I ain't doing nappy's !!!! I can't stress that enough folks .... I ain't gonna do it!!! (you .. over there, with the cynical look on your face .. I mean it .. I ain't, I ain't, I ain't!) LOL

I'm in a deep funk today .. feeling very tired, sore and emotionally flat. Where is BIL? He's gone to Queensland with the girlfriend and her kids. Her daughter has an appointment with a Plastic Surgeon (she got mauled by a dog when she was little, and needs her ear re-done - she's now 15 so they can now operate and give her an adult ear) visiting his daughter in Brisbane, picking up his other daughter who's flown up there, and they'll be back sometime Friday.

So much for me getting away with the kids over the holidays eh?

I think THAT'S our biggest problem .. we can't do ANYTHING. FIL isn't well enough to be left alone, and MIL isn't 'with it' enough to be left alone with FIL. They are their own worst enemies really.

So ... that's on the latest front ........ so far.. today .......... new shower person comes in tomorrow ....... I wonder what the drama will be THEN?

Anyone would think FIL is broke ... the man has at least 250,000 at his disposal, PLUS this house (400,000 minimum) ......

watch it .. you'll see moths coming from his wallet (family joke)

Hugs
Sally

Hi Sally,

Okay, BIL is away for the week. Kind and caring BIL is in China. DH is on holidays.

I say email China BIL for backup, have DH call about resipte care, and move FIL and MIL away for the remaining days of the 2 week holiday - no ifs, ands, or buts. Away you and your family go or stay in the now wondrously care-free home and take day trips to the beach, the city, the zoo, where ever your budget will allow. Be the family you were a year ago. BIL can spring FIL and MIL on Firday if he takes them to his home.

I do hope this is possible in some form. You are an amazing woman! The self-restraint you've shown and continue to show is awesome. Now it's time for you, Alan, and each kid (Brianna, Cam, and daughter #2 - memory fails)to yell, "My turn!!"

Hugs and blessings - Barbara :wave:

Ok. I replied earlier but obviously the message got lost somewhere in cyberspace. :)

I agree with Barbara. E-mail China ASAP. I don't have to tell you what stress will do to you healthwise. You already know. Have you been totally honest with FIL as far as your limitations physically, emotionally and mentally? I get the impression you keep on chugging along until you can't take it anymore. You don't like confrontation and you just want everyone to be happy-even if it means you're not. So you keep on doing until you can't do anymore. Am I wrong? I don't mean to offend you. But it takes one to know one. I'm that way too. I tend to put everyone's happiness above my own.

Looks like it may rain here and I have clothes hanging outside to dry. I love that fresh outdoorsy smell. They should be dry now so I need to get them in.

Love, Barb

Ok girls...........!!!!!!!!!!!

DH said to FIL last night ........ "Dad .. we've had enough. We need to move out, we can't do this anymore"

Insert Wide Opened Eyes here ...........

And FIL replied "We'll get that power point in the room for your mother and we'll move Cameron downstairs .. it'll be right" and DH said "no it won't, we've had enough" and FIL said "so what's the expiry date?" and DH said "July" and FIL said "No, my expiry date" (meaning, so when do you expect me to die?) and DH said "who knows Dad? One week, we would say a year, another week, we would say a day" ...

and then they came home.

FIL staggered up the stairs, his breathing quite distressed (just breaks my heart watching him struggle for each breath) and quietly said to me "looks like I have to find other accommodation" and my heart just stopped (joy .. not dread) and I went "ok .. we'll talk more yes?" and he agreed.

Then we went and had dinner.

Last night, we didn't get disturbed AT ALL. This morning, we didn't get DISTURBED AT ALL .. at 10am FIL rang .. to tell me he had had an awful night, felt like crap (sounded it too) .. I think he was after the sympathy bid.

Now MIL .. in HER blessed ignorance, if FIL isn't out of bed, then he doesn't want breakfast. so now she's in ignoring mode ... no cups of tea, no food, nothing, zip, nada .. so I have to keep sending Cameron down to check on FIL ...

I think this might be a reaction to what DH said last night. D'ya reckon?

Hugs
Sally

by the way Bosbarb .. it's raining here .. your rain made it all the way over to my place! However, my washing IS on the line and soaking ! LOL

And yes, I am the kind of person who chugs away, until the rope snaps and it all comes crashing down.

I'm watching my family (upstairs and downstairs) crash because I am incapacitated ... it's amazing just what I DO actually DO y'know?

I will be emailing china BIL with the catch up .. although his hands are tied until July when they come back for another visit.

And your right, I am NOT good with ANY kind of confrontation. Ever. I don't like the feeling it gives me (shaky knees, wobbly tummy, tearful, weak ......) so I avoid it at all costs. I'm really quite a passive person, and would rather run away (my fight and flight skills? Flight win's .. hands down every time) than face anybody head on. (see emotions and feelings of why).

I was just watching Dr. Phil, he was interviewing some teen's who cut and burn themselves to get over their anger and emotions. And he said to one "why?" and she said "Because it's my job to fix everything. It's my job to make everybody happy and make everything OK" .. and I thought ... "wow ..that's me" ........ fortunately, I don't like hurting myself (phew) and except for this broken bone in my neck which WAS accidental might I add ... I probably would keep chugging along, keeping the peace.

Now that's just brought another memory up ... amazing eh? I remember being very very little, lying in bed, crying, because Mum and Dad were fighting. No, change that, Mum was fighting, Dad (being passive) was just standing there, taking the verbal whipping and letting her get it out of her system.

I wonder why I just thought of that ..??

gotta dash .. FIL called .. he can't breath and might go to hospital again.

Hugs
Sally

Sally, I'll be saying prayers. I hope everything turns out for the best.

Memories-maybe discribing yourself reminded you of your dad. Sounds like you've got some of him in you.

I saw that Dr. Phil show. Unfortunately, I know someone who's doing that now. She told me she thought she did it to get the horrible feelings out of her. I see a lot of things in these al-anon meeting I go to. I've seen battered women, parents whose children have alcohol and/or drug problems-some of them as young as 11 or 12 and are in rehab. And here is me-wanting to rescue them all but finally realizing I can't.

Anyhoo, please post back and let us know how it goes with FIL.

Hugs and prayers to you.

Love, Barb

Dear Sally, you did the right thing, your husband said it right. Other accomodations have to be found. They will adjust. NO GUILT! remember that.

You have to repeat to yourself every now and then "I have done my very best, now it's time to move on."

We are alike in many ways. I WAS passive in my marriage, and got the worst of it... my EX was verbally abusive, occasianally escalating to physical. I thought I was 'staying for the sake of the kids' but have heard from each of them that it was h--l to live there when things were bad. Luckily my Ex was a flight engineer and off on long flights. I once figured out that in the 36 years of marriage we were really togehter only 13, he was away that much. Especially when we lived in Africa, he flew off and didn;t return for 10 or 12 days.

I put up with the absences, the abuse, etc for 'security' and 'to keep the peace' and 'to keep the family intact.' My son is in therapy because of the stressful childhood, my other 2 found peace and happiness through a deep religious faith. My daughter has a happy marriage; my older son's broke up and the youngest has not found his life partner yet ..

All this is not relevant to Alzheimer, but perhaps shows what kind of pERSONALITY the caregiver has.. give give give....and as for abuse, take take take ..until something snaps the string. In marriage it was the fact that my abuser found the 'love of his life' at age 66. In Motherecare it is the fact that she resents me and is not the least bit thankful for my care, but loves and misses the other two of her children ... and sees me as her jailer. That feeling made me yell out loud for help, threaten ("I will take all my savings and put her in a home, when it runs out, others will have to take over") until someone else agreed to step in...

Lots of love , and thanks for your honesty

Martha

Martha ..

you and I are SO alike !!!!!! I was mentally abused in my first marriage .. controlled .. manipulated ... not that I realised it .. all in the effort of 'keeping the peace' until ONE DAY ... enough was enough and I walked out.

T'was the hardest thing to do in my life.

Actually .. I've run away from all confrontation in my life, I ran away from home at 16, I ran away from a not so good marriage, I've run away from jobs in the past that were too confrontational and made me miserable (always to another job ... gotta be responsible!!) ....

So ...... why can't I MYSELF go up to people and say "look .. your asking too much of me, your pushing me too far and I cant' live up to your expectations or what I think you want of me" ......

G - the Social Worker and I are going through this one at the moment. He's a Trouper .. I will admit ... with the right words ..but not 'right' enough to make me able to verbally say anything .. I can to those NOT involved (you guys, social worker, specialists) but not to those concerned ....

WHY?

Anyway .. from what I can gather, people who end up caring for others have a moral and ethical battle .. and have at all times. We put up with "X" amount of stress and wait until the LAST MOMENT. We can't walk away WHEN WE SHOULD, we hang in until it turns into a volcano .... at at what cost? OUR HEALTH .. OUR SANITY !!!

*taking deep breath*

FIL is in hospital. MIL came home just as ambo's were loading him in. She leapt out of the car, glared at me (but didn't hit or scream .. so this is a step up) tapped his feet, stayed with him for a moment .. and then happily went upstairs into the house. I hopped in the ambulance with FIL and stayed with him (making sure ambo's DIDN'T give him morphine .. !!! ACK !!!!)

I KNOW I have done my best. I KNOW I have done as much as I can. I am FLATLY refusing to look after MIL ... I just had a conversation with one of my nieces (BIL's 2nd eldest daughter) and felt like I haven't done enough ... ACK .. more GUILT !!! Slap up side of head .. SHE doesn't live here, BIL DOESN'T live here ... I keep saying that .. I keep saying that .... but NOBODY is listening !!!!!!!!!!!!

I even said to niece, "sweety, your DAD doesn't live here, he doesnt SEE Nanna's behaviour .. he hears about it, but he doesn't SEE IT" and she said "Yeah but he's gotta make a living too ..." I said "yup, don't dispute it, nor am I asking for him to do 24/7, but I need help with two old people .. there's not enough of us to go around"

And yet .... I can't even take my kids away for a break over THEIR school holidays ... well, BIL comes home tomorrow night, I'll see him Friday. I will TELL HIM he can have his mother for a few days and WE will go to my Mum's, or DH's and BIL's cousin (just an hour away on a property) ... but I need to get the kids AWAY .. they have the right do do SOMETHING cool on a holiday .. yes??

Ok .. ranting and raving now ....... will sign off

Hugs
Sally

Do I do it because it feels good to be needed?

Do I do it to try to feel good about myself?

Do I do it because it's the right thing to do-even at the expense of my health?

Or do I do it because I'm used to the chaos and am afraid to see what it's like without it?

If I got rid of the chaos, would that force me to look at myself?

What do I feel about what I might find?

These are questions I've asked of myself a zillion times in the last couple of years.

So far I've discovered that yes, it does feel good to feel needed.

Maybe I do this to feel good about myself and there's nothing wrong with that as long as I don't base my happiness on the need to feel needed.

Yes, I believe it's the right thing for me to do, for now. I pray that I will have the strength and wisdom to turn this job over to someone else when I can't do it anymore.

And now to the toughest answers:

Yes, I find that chaos keeps me from thinking about myself. When I was at my lowest point 2 1/2 years ago, I realized that I used the chaos of a marriage in a lot of trouble to not look at myself to see what part I had in that bad marriage and other things that were going on in my life.

Did that force me to look at myself? Eventually. When I was too tired to continue with the chaos. But it was a long hard road to get there.

What did I feel about what I found? I thought I was a HORRIBLE person before. I was so afraid to look inside myself that it took almost two years for me to get to the point where I was able to BEGIN. I was SHOCKED to discover that I wasn't as bad as I thought I was. I discovered that people seemed to like me even when I didn't like myself. I wrote two lists-one of things I liked about myself, the other of things I didn't like. I actually wrote some things on the list that I LIKED about myself! Boy, was THAT a shocker! In the end, I felt pretty darn good about what I found. That's because while doing this, I discovered that it's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to have some "flaws". I don't HAVE to be perfect. I don't HAVE to be the one with all the answers. I just have to be the best me I can be.

Love, Barb

Don't give him the option of backing out, Sally. You and your family NEED the break. No options. BIL takes MIL. No time for no's. With FIL in the hospital, now's the perfect time. Go to your mum's. Have a good time. You DESERVE it! And I'm sure your mum will love to have your company.

Love, Barb

I realized I had no self image years ago when all drivers licenses in Germany had a place to fill in "I donate my organs" ..I really felt afraid to sign it. I thought, if I do, God will let me get killed so my organs can go to someone who is REALLY valuable. I scared myself so much that I went for counseling to a lovely lady from my church who was studying by distance learning to be a professional counselor. She helped me to see that all my marriage problems, for example, were not caused by ME. That blaiming the victim is common among abusers. That I could still be a fine Christian woman if I left him. It took another 3 or 4 years before i did, but it was the hardest and the smartest thing I ever did ..until now. AD caregiving is harder still.

Love,

Martha

Absolutely. That's how abusers turn confident individuals into victims. It take years to get that way but once you start seeing things as they really are, it's like "Why didn't I see that then?".

Oh oh. dad's trying to "fix" the screen door. Every time he does that, he makes it worse. We can hardly close it now! lol

Gotta go see what he's doing so I can undo it. :)

Love, Barb

TODAY ........ DH has taken MIL up to see FIL. TODAY........ DH is telling FIL we're going away on Saturday and won't return until Thursday. TONIGHT ......... DH will be telling his brother that he can have their Mother ... we're having a break away.

We're going to DH's cousin, 1.5 hours drive south of here .. she lives on a property, they grow tomato's. She's got 3 little boys, 6, 4 and 2. Cameron (my son) will stay in a Caravan on the property .. and her Hubby was planning on doing some fencing, so he's holding off until we get there so Cam can help. The Girls are going to be thrown into my big tent, and DH and I will stay in the house (only because of my neck .. I need a real bed). I'm taking ALMOST all our DVD's, and we're gonna have A BREAK.. there is no phone cell reception, only normal phones, and most people don't have the number ... and it's going to be quiet and tranquil. We can go fishing if the river isn't running too fast, swimming if it's not TOO cold (although it will be for me, I can GUARANTEE it LOL - ) and commune with nature.

I'm getting panicky cause I want it *SO BAD* ........ 5 nights away .......

Sheer Bliss ..............

Hugs to all
Sally

You know .. I never had a problem offering to donate my organs ... part of my "keep helping to help" thing I think .........

we're still a weird bunch .. LOL

Hugs
Sally

I know what you mean about how you're getting panicky. that's how I'm getting. I'm going with a couple of friends of mine to Missouri on the 21st. It's about an 8 hour drive from here. We're going to be in the Ozark Mountains. Way out in the country. My friend lives so far in the country that she has her own private road. She needs a 4 wheeler to get to her mailbox. I've never seen her place since she and her hubby just moved there last December. We're going with no kids and no hubbies! Just friends.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all do that together?

Love, Barb

Hi friends -

Oh, getting together would be lovely - and loads of laughs!

Sally and Barb, soooooo delighted that you are getting away for a break. Nothing is better for heart and soul - and neck. EXCELLENT!!!

Martha, glad Bill is giving you a few days off before your move. Hope his house sells immediately, so he can move sooner!

My son and his sweetie have returned to TN and the chaos du jour of a house remodel gone bad (crooked contractor) continues, with some progress.

I've read all I've missed in being busy while they were here. I wish I could give you each a real hug and tell your what a special person you are. Remember that guilt is a choice - and living guilt-free is the best choice. You cannot fix everything. That's okay.

I'm back for who knows how long - the carrier in VA is having trouble with keeping the internet up and we keep going off line. Bummer!

Blessings - Barbara :wave:

Well, if you can get OVER here, I have the property to get together, out in the middle of nowhere .......literally!!

To get to Nell's house, you have to drive down the highway, turn off and drive, and drive, and drive and drive, and drive, and drive, and just when you thought "I must've missed the turnoff ... you drive a bit more figuring you can get to Gloucester and find a landline phone to call her house, when THERE'S the turnoff .!!! ... over the bridge that makes creaking clunky sounds when you drive over it, and you drive, and you drive and you drive and THERE'S the house !!! Up the 1km driveway, and voila .. out in the middle of nowhere.

Of course, there's a bull in the next paddock, kangaroos abound, koala's grunting in the trees and the usual 'noises', but fortunately, tomato's are quiet, so except for the odd chook sound .. it's peacefully still ....

Bought food today .. treats for the kids to share while we're away. FIL took the news OK .. didn't say much. Haven't warned BIL yet .. and still trying to find somebody to look after the pets .... I have back up fortunately ..

I JUST HAVE TO ASK (my big problem .... I would rather take them all with us LOL)

Hugs .... and looking forward to the break away with BREATHLESS ANTICIPATION !!!

Hugs
Sally

Dear Sally and Barb,

You are both finally getting a break, and I can only congratulate you and wish you many more of the same. Having a little break makes all this possible. Enjoy! Especially being out in the country enjoying nautre, has healing powers.

Thank God for Friends ..both the cyber kind and the ones we get to see in person. I sincerely hope and pray that nothing interferes with either of your plans.

Love,

Martha

Getting weepy now. The good kind though. :)

Thank you all SOOOOOO MUCH for your kind words, wishes and thoughts! It's really helps me to be able to cope with what I'm going through.

April 21st, 7am.....I'm outta here!!!! YAY!!!!

I will miss you guys while I'm gone but I'll catch up when I get back. :)

Koalas and kangaroos....I've only seen them in the zoos. It would be nice to see them in their homeland. They have fox and wolves where I'm going. I think they have bears too.

Well, off for my cereal now.

Love, Barb

FIL is feeling better today. Good. That doesn't mean we're coming home early either.

I informed BIL today that we're going away. He didn't look overly impressed, but he didn't say anything. I asked if he and L and her kids could look after our pets. He said "Dunno" .. kid said "yes!!"

We have unusual pets .. we have 3 rats. We're babysitting 2 fish, and we're caring for 3 birds across the road. LOL

Then there's MIL of course.

The Community nurse rang today about FIL and I told her our plans. She said 'GREAT' but What about MIL? I said BIL is in town. It's his turn. She said .... "ahh .. that kind of family support eh?" ... she got it in one .. aren't they clever?? She also advised that she's going to contact Palliative Care and get them to come in and assist with FIL and to try and help MIL realise what's happening.

HA .. !!

She came up to us just after 8am and said lots of 'not real' words to my DH. He had NO idea what she wanted, what she was trying to say, but it's not like her to come up that early in the morning... we don't go near the hospital until 10am at least.

Oo .. as I type:

MIL's phone just rang, and I picked up the extension here and listened in:

Is Mr G there Please?
MIL;"no, he's at that sequa sequa sorta that ok"
I'm asking if Mr. G is there please
MIL;"......silence......
"helloooo?"
MIL;""yes?"
"Is Mr. G there please?"
MIL;""I just, I just, I just, sequa sequare so so so ith ith tray seqware so"
"ok ,thankyou goodbye"

Poor person who rang, poor MIL she couldn't get a proper word out.

Brianna (my 10yo) is packing her bags, she's got a Slumber Party to go to tonight, and then we head out tomorrow lunchtime. The kids have most of their stuff packed already .. do you think they're excited? LOL

Hugs to you all

Sally

Hi Sally!

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when you told BIL. hahaha

I take it he wasn't too delighted? As my sister used to say "NAAAA NAA NA BOO BOO!" Her way of saying "Too bad. Go cry to someone else 'cause I'm not listening!" So the next time he ticks you off (and he will), just sing that in your head. Wouldn't he think you've lost your marbles if you started laughing when he was trying to push your "going nuts because of stupid, selfish BIL" button? :D

I think the kids and YOU are exited about getting away from there. Have a GREAT time! Enjoy the peace and serenity....

Love, Barb

Hi all ...

Just an update .......

Tonight was our 2nd night home .. and our first night eating back downstairs. MIL was agreeable to eating together (darn and blast methinks, I would rather hide upstairs, but never the less .........) I cooked: Honey Mustard Chicken Legs, Mashed potato, Cheese & Bacon Noodles, beans and peas. I cook everything UPSTAIRS in the little kitchenette (top stove cooker/griller/hotplate, 1.5 feet x 1 foot in size), the microwave, and heat up in her kitchen downstairs (regular everyday type kitchen). I cook for 7 people up here in my little spot, and I'm damn proud of some of the dishes I can come up with!! Might take two goes, but I Do get it done!!

Anway, I sound like I want a pat on the back, and I don't, it's just a doing thing. Anyway, tonight I send Cameron downstairs with stuff, here and there, to a) make sure she's still eating with us (it wouldn't be the first time she's changed her mind mid serving) and the table is set so we KNOW she's ok with it (she's been feeding herself for a week, she's probably starving ........ LOL) I finally get the rest of the family downstairs (grudgingly ... they were dragging their heels) and Brianna says "Mum, can we swap places?" and I said "yeah, sure" (means I don't have to sit next to MIL - yup, that's me, the chicken) and MIL greeted me with open arms and a kiss.

I cringed.

Then she went into the dining room, and grumbled at Brianna. Cameron said "it's ok Nanna, Mummy said she could" and MIL pointed, and got cross and then I stepped in and said "I said it was ok" and so MIL sat down at her seat and didn't move until the plate was put in front of her.

Hmmmmmmmmmm ........ doesn't take much for a mood swing eh? So she ate dinner, mumbled a few words as part of being in the conversation, but mostly everybody was eating as fast as possible to get it over and done with so we could escape. Brianna had to wash up downstairs (part of our roster system - one downstairs, one upstairs, one off .. when we eat alone, it's the Grown Ups who clean up) .. next thing she's upstairs saying "Nanna's gone cross again, Daddy sent me up here" .. apparently she's confused one of MY saucepans for one of hers.

Again ........ half my kitchen stuff ends up in her kitchen with her guarding the doors!! God forbid her stuff ends up here, all hell breaks loose, but it's ok for her to pinch mine.

Anyway, I don't make an issue of it. I know I can get her out of the house and get my stuff back sooner or later. I just get cranky that she snaps at the kids y'know?

so ..we've been back for just over 24 hours and emotionally we're back to where we were a week ago ...... stressed out, defensive and depressed.

*sigh*

It will get better, it will it will.

Hugs
Sally

Sally - it will get better - when you are no longer the caregiver. You will have your life back, as I will. It is time for others to do it. That's what professionals are for...

I still wonder how long it will take before Bill and Anna entirely change their minds about using Mom's money for a nursing home .. there is enough for a few months, and how long can she last??? ... and if need be some of mine and theirs too.. I would. I would do it today. I would have done it last October, and I think she would be happier...

Coming out of her bedroom today, carrying her night pail, she dropped it in my room. I was washing dishes but heard the crash, came running in. Is everything OK; "Of course, nothing spilled." I noticed later that in the bathroom some of the contents from the pail got onto the bath rug. Luckily I didn't by a new one when she got poopy on it last week, but used a runner from my bedroom... So I can easily wipe up my floor (of course something got on it) and cut off that portion of the bathroom rug that got wet, and throw it out. I wonder if we have enough runners and bath rugs to last the 7 weeks ..if not a bare tiled floor is OK in June ...

I didn't tell Bill .. he is stressed enough. He MAY sign the sale contract on MONDAY... I hope so!

(this is the week I would have been in Indiana... I wish I could be there ..anyplace but here!)

Love,

Martha

BUT no one with anything to say agrees with me about the nursing home solution ...

Hi Sally,

Well, Sunday is over in your part of the world and I wonder what you found in the downstairs kitchen while MIL was away at church?!

Is FIL in hospital or at home? I've lost track.

The stress you and family have each felt on returning means you all simply must go for your wellbeing. I'd think sooner is better than later. July will be mid-winter there (as you know better than I do!) and it's not much fun to move when it's cold. Are the schools all still geared to be in sync all over the country like they were about 15 years ago? At that time another Aussie friend and her hubby took their 2 kids out of school and locked up the house (near Melbourne) and did a caravan trip around the country for almost a year. They'd rent a little house, get jobs, put the kids in school, explore each area and then move on after a few weeks. It worked for them because the schools were all on the same teaching schedule. Long story short (too late!), maybe you can up a go before the next hols and the kids wouldn't be behind in classes. Would a move midterm bother the kids? What think?

I reckon that BIL and L. would find a aged care facility right quick if it fell to them to take over for you and your family. Enlist China BIL's aid. Put that to BIL and L. and see how quickly it happens, then maybe you and your lot could stay in the house until the term is over or longer. Your choice.

Pulling for you from afar!

Hugs and blessings - Barbara :)

I second the motion. All in favor say AYE! Yes, everyone around the world agrees .. Sally and family leave this house SOON! And leave the decisions to the other two brothers. They will find facilities so fast your head will be spinning. Why do a serious search when you have a Faithful Sally in the house to do it all?
Good luck!

Love,

Martha

So So So true .. although China BIL seems to have his head in the sand as well, or is just simply too busy to give any input.

FIL is still in hospital btw .. no mention of coming home, but then he's been leaving that until the last minute lately .... and although home life is a lot easier with him not home, it still bites into the day because we have to stay around to get MIL up to visit him.

BIL is still away .. must ring him as a friendly chat and try and catch up with him :-).

As for the kids and school, well 2 of them go to a Private School (Christian Education) and I have to give at LEAST a term's notice before we do anything drastic with them. At least that way I can get my $350 family bond back if not a refund for the other two for the remainder of the year.

Sigh .. I can FEEL my blood pressure going up as I speak .. it's this whole CONFRONTATION thing I hate.

As I said earlier, it's going to end when I get the courage up to HURT people on PURPOSE.

Although I am a bit fragile today, it's Anzac Day, and it's the first time my Dad HASN'T been part of the process .. missing him alot already.

Hugs
Sally