I am so confused right now, and not sure if my husband is extremely depressed/sick, or just a total creep!! I'm not sure whether to RUN for divorce no matter what, or consider him mentally ill and hope that he realizes it soon. We have been married for over 20 yrs, but are currently seperated. Early in the marriage, I noticed that my husband had deep personality problems which I assume are from an awful childhood, Alcoholic father, a brother getting killed in early 20's which I heard that my husband always was blamed for by his parents. My husband has never come to terms with any of his past, and seemed to block things out like a brick wall.
He is very mentally abusive with women (series of long term failed relationships etc). I have for many years tried to get him to seek help, but he insists he does not have any problem, and blames it on the women or people in his life. He is severely compulsive, gets tired of material things (like houses!!) very quickly, wears extreme amounts of cologne (like a bottle per week), is excentric in dress & behavior so much so that people laugh at him walking down the street, etc. He is never "happy', and actually causes his own unhappiness through his weird behavior.
Then to top it all off, he became disabled about 15 yrs ago at age 40.

it's been a rocky marriage, he seems to "run" when things start to go smoothly, he seems to have to leave me and mess everything up again....WEIRD but true!!
The recent situation....we were getting along great, had jsut refinanced the house, bought a car, were inseperable, things seemed great. He started mentioning little comments about wanting to own a Corvette or Harley before he died (his disablity keeps him from DRIVING). They were just small comments, so i shrugged them off at first. He had told the neighbor and our mechanic how happy he was, married life was great, sex was great after all these years, the house was refinanced and he planned on living here the rest of his life. He also told me he was going to tattoo my name on his arm, talked about wanting to re-new our wedding vows, just bought a car in which he specified that my name should also be on the title, etc.
Then, all of a sudden he left the home. At first he kept telling friends that it was not a woman thing (he was too old for that), he was upset over turning 55 yrs old soon, wanted to own a Corvette before he died, etc. The friends are used to seeing our "rocky" relationship....him leaving for a month swearing he'd never return, then coming home swearing he'd never leave....so they just all laughed at him.
Well after about a month, he hooked up with a 35 yr old girl....she is kinda know in town for being somewhat low level (geez, hate to talk about anyone...trying to find an adequate description....her family is semi-retarded, many problems there, not known for cleanliness, etc)....this is completely off my husband's nature because he was always VERY OVERLY picky about his girlfriends appearances, etc. I wasn't allowed to leave the HOUSE without makeup, and always had to dress well for him, etc. This girl lost her kids for sexual abuse, and has a history of problems.
Two days after MEETING this girl, he tattoed HER name on his arm, and started burning bridges faster than ever. His family knows/hates this girl, and tried to reason with him, but there is no hope. I tried to talk to him, and he said "FINALLY, after all these years, i FINALLY met the girl who is right for me! Imagine that, I'm 55 yrs old, and finally found THE one". There wasn't any reasoning with him to slow down or anything....quickly bought a car with her, bank account, etc. He's telling everyone she's a proffessional nurse (she's actually a nurse's AIDE for a retirement home, a place where nobody even WANTS to work!!).
It's been 9 months since he left, 8 months since he met her. They were engaged at Xmastime, and he has turned into Satan toward me, blaming me for everything. I think he expected me to lose the house & everything when he left, so he could spread it around town how "no good" I am....I don't understand that reasonaing, but like I said, he's not thinking straight!!
But instead I managed to keep the house, and trying to go on with my life.
He refuses to give me a divorce, I've begged him....he avoids the whole subject, turns it around to something stupid. Yet he is engaged and continues to live a comitted life with this other girl...even trying to buy a house with her, etc.
Some recent things happened, and I was told by a friend that he is "ready to crack completely".....whatever that means!! Yikes!! And tonite somebody called me, said he looks like a total freak with his excentric hair & dress, but
she said his face looks BAD, like you can tell he's SICK, DEPRESSED. She said he was staring out in space.
HELP !!! HOW do I deal with this?? Half of me wants CLOSURE SO BADLY !! I've been through way too much, almost lost the house and am SO hurt and betrayed.....I NEED closure in the form of divorce and put this awful marriage behind me!! How could ANYONE be so cruel to a loved one of over 20 yrs??
Then the other half of me says HE's SICK....HE's DEPRESSED. Just wait and watch what happens, and hope that he reaches rock bottom (soon looks like) and be there for him, because it's a sickness just like cancer or whatever.
How does one tell the difference as to whether a loved one is actually SICK and needs meds/help/etc....and whether one should just GET OUT of the situation and get a divorce???

I'm sorry this is so long, gosh I'm so torn up over the entire situation!! And not sure how to view it? Actual Sickness or Intentional Cruelity??
Any advise or support is EXTREMELY APPRECIATED !!!!

Dear Leopard Lady:

I am so sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. My hope is that you will take care of yourself. Indeed, you must think of yourself first and then decide whether you can and want to help your husband.

Since he has unresolved issues, my feeling is that his cruelty is a result of that and perhaps a chemical imbalance if he is indeed suffering from depression. I don't want to give you false hope: I went through a depression of my husband's and it was brutal on me. He was nasty, short, cruel--and the behavior was not his fault; he couldn't help it any more than a person with an upset stomach could help vomiting. Still, I insisted that he get help and told him, in no uncertain terms, that I would divorce him if he did not go to the psychiatrist, therapist and take medications. And I meant it.

Five grueling years later, he is almost well and I am grateful. Still, his recovery came at a great price: I compromised my own well-being. The biggest mistake I made was failing to take proper care of myself and concentrating on him.

You have a great deal to think about. I pray that you will talk to a therapist or counselor who can help you. There are also numerous support groups for family members of people with mental illnesses. (Every time I've been to one, several people are seriously considering divorce.)

Please, please, take good care and think of yourself first.

Wow, this whole situation is just complicated. I'm not a therapist nor will I pretend to be one, this is just my opinion about the situation. First, if I was in your situation I would leave but you're not me and I don't want to tell you what to do. I mean, he's started a life with this other woman with buying cars and homes and getting engaged. Some of the stuff you said reminds me of me and I have borderline personality disorder (BPD)...with the needing to mess things up when they're going well...that's something borderlines do. There's no doubt that SOMETHING is definitely wrong with him besides just depression. With the mental abuse towards women, he may have seen that at home since his dad was an alcoholic.

Having to dress up seems to me like some perfectionistic thing. Does he still dress that way or has that changed since he's been with the other woman? The reason I ask is because when people are abused (not all of them) we tend to take on a personality that isn't really us. I know for me it was drinking and hanging with the wrong crowd and I know, for me, that was because I didn't have enough self-control in my life and honestly didn't like who I was. I thought that maybe if I changed the outward appearance that the inward me would change also. I hope this is making sense. I also sometimes feel that I can't be the "real" me when I'm around people that have never been abused or been through some of the things I've been through. I tend to gravitate towards people who are like me...been abused, drank, used drugs in the past...because they can relate and I feel most comfortable around them. Maybe that's what he's feeling right now since you said that she's not really stable herself.

At the same time, he's a grown man and should take responsibility for his actions. Just because you have a mental illness doesn't give you the right to just come and go as you please or hurt the people that love you. Ever since I've been depressed I've never once turned my back on my family or friends or done things that are unforgiveable. It's just not something that a responsible adult would do.

Do you two have children? :nono:

Thank you both so much...it certainly does make sense the way you explained it. In answer to RedandRed, yes we have 3 children together. And get this....he ALSO has 3 children (3 different moms) from before I met him. He never had any contact with those other children, and when they try to contact him, he blames it all on the moms, tells them how much he loves them, etc. With OUR children, we raised them together, and he dumps THEM when he leaves also. Doesn't have any contact with them, and acts like an idiot if he runs into them by accident, telling them how much he loves them etc.
It's as if he blocks people OUT of his mind...kinda hard to explain. But it does seem like a blocking/denying mechanism he has. When he did this 10 yrs ago, left for 1-1/2 yrs with a different girl, it was that way too. He instantly fell in love with her, hated me and then when he came back he turned on HER like Satan, for no real reason other than that is his way of making a decision.
And his dress etc. has always been excentric, it seems to have gotten worse in recent years. Even before he left, he was becoming obssessed with Tattoos and puts very long thick black extentions in his hair, etc. When he first met this woman, he DID get worse with that....as mentioned went out & immediately got a large tattoo with her name after about 2 days, and his hair was SO puffed up and full, people were laughing at him walking down the street.
Years before he wasn't as weird with his dress, but was obsessive with the house, etc. He expected it to look like a magazine clean home and was very unrealiztic about that....the kids were young then....there was NO way the house was gonna stay picture perfect clean.
I guess since I have to think of myself first (he isn't ready to realize any problem), then my next question is what should I do? Some of my friends are telling me I should file for divorce NOW, get him out of my life. But then others are saying it's gonna hit him right in the face someday & if he IS truely sick and can't help himself, then I'd be willing to help him get help.
Is he AWARE that he treats people (mostly women) this cruely, and intentionally do it? Or is this part of the behavior/illness, and a "self survival" mental thing?
I was watching Dr Phil one day, he said that Adult children of Alcoholics RUN when things get too smooth, because it HURTS so bad to look at themselves.
This seems to describe my husband perfectly...he always keeps his life/family in total kaos, then if it does get smooth for awhile, he LEAVES and screws it all up!!! I've seen it over and over, not only in his family, but his jobs, friends etc.
Thank you for helping me to understand all this craziness.

It's always a lot easier to give someone else advice than to follow it yourself. I am in a marriage to a man with lots of problems too. I keep thinking I can hold on and outlive him - and being a widow would be easier than divorced. But anyway, I would get counseling for yourself because you are bound to have some scars from dealing with him for so long. I was in counseling for about 5 years, and it has helped me tremendously in standing up for myself and not walking on eggshells to keep him happy. I would be inclined to press for the divorce and move on with my life - and hope that he will realize and get help for his problems - but I would NOT go back with him until maybe he had about 5 years of counseling behind him and a lot of changed behavoir! Which, unfortunately, I don't think is too likely - with his type of personality problems. My husband got into a little legal trouble and had some court ordered counseling - but he has been released from it recently and I am not too happy because I think the counselor just did the mandated thing and didn't delve deeply enough - but I have a feeling he could tell that my husband wasn't willing to do that. Anyway, I hope you will start by getting some counseling for you because you deserve that - to have some time dedicated to YOU and to your feelings about being married to a crazy man... Good luck.

Hi, yes I understand the feelings about wanting be a widow instead of divorced!! I find myself thinking stuff like that, I think it's normal in these cases. And people keep mentioning that to me too, because with his current lifestyle, that COULD happen too. He has alot of enemies, and lives a pretty hectic lifestyle. I would never wish bad to come to him or ANYONE, but let's face it things do happen & sometimes those things can be in our benefit.

And I am kinda afraid of what could happen if I "force" him into a divorce. Because people are telling me that he is close to "cracking up" altogether....and I'm not sure of what that means exactly!! Could be a good thing, could be a tragedy!! I lost 2 very good friends last year, because of a murder/suicide, over a divorce....the husband was depressed!! But we never thought he was capapble of THAT....so it's scarey!!

I have gone to counseling off & on for many years, because of him. I can't really afford it right now....I'm BARELY keeping the house, just doing it on a pray right now!! But I do have a wonderful support system in friends who saw the whole thing, but none of them really understand mental illness, and most thing I'm just making excuses for him.

Thanks for all your help!

Dear Leopard Lady:

I am quite worried about you--and even more about your children. These three innocent beings depend on you for their physical and emotional well-being. I urge you to think how this situation is affecting them. You know better than anyone that it is your responsibility to make sure they are safe and healthy, both emotionally and physically. From what you write, your home environment does not seem to provide them with the safety they need.

The children must come first. If they see their father acting strangely, it's scary for them. If they see their father disrespecting you, they are learning a terrible lesson.

For their sake, I urge you to do whatever is necessary to create a quality environment and a safe haven. Please do not let them see their father disrespecting you, please do not let their father frighten them.

You do not necessarily have to get a divorce if you're not so inclined, but it is surely better for the children to be shielded from the chaos. Further, if you divorce, you are not necessarily abandoning this man: you can offer your support but still take care of your little ones. (I know several people who have divorced their mentally ill spouses in order to insure financial security, but remain supportive of their spouses' efforts to get well.)

I sincerely wish you the best of luck. You are in a terrible spot and I feel for you. My hope is that you will restore some stability to your and your children's lives as soon as possible.

With best wishes, T.