I have posted in the past about my mom being in a nursing home. She has been there since last June. She suffers from AD but all in all is doing okay....She is having trouble swallowing but doing well so far, on the "protein, vitamin" drinks she gets. My Dad is 87 years old and has his wits about him, but since my mom has been in the n. home he has gone downhill. Which is usally what happens. He is exhausted from the daily visits to the n. home where he would feed her every single day. He felt that he had to be there or she woulndn't eat. (not the case)..The other day he was grocery shopping and fell in the store (first time).....I brought him to the dr. and of course he was checked out and he did blood work. It came back that he is moderately anemic.......He is so wiped out...He tells me his is tired all the time. He is walking very slowly lately and is frail....He is still driving. His dr. never mentioned that he shouldn't . I know if he stops driving this will mean the end of his independence and how will he visit my mom. I will be the one to take him there but i know this will kill my Dad. I don't want him driving if he shouldn't be. He could hurt someone or himself........ My son moved in with my Dad to keep him company but he isn't home alot. My DAD is alone alot and i am really starting to see the difference in him.......He is seems to be going downhill since my mom went in the n. home..........Any comments? thanks for the support.......We all know this isn't easy......bride527

Have you been in the car w/ him while he's driving and if so how are his driving skills?

He actually seems to be okay driving.....He is very alert.

Dear Bride,

Let him drive. You may have to see to it that he eats more meat or takes an iron supplement. (these are very hard to digest and it may not do him any good, real iron in foods is better.)

My Mom gave up her drivers license voluntarily at the age of 91. It probably should have been a little sooner, but even in New York City she did not cause any accidents. She did scrape the sides of her OLD car trying to get it into a rented garage down a narrow alley. Her reason for giving it up was decline in vision (macular degeneration.) If your Dad still sees well and thinks clearly, he can drive.

It is hard for an elderly man to get along alone. My father in law lived alone for over 10 years after his wife died. Luckily he was in a small town and got a lot of help from friends and family. He got meals on wheels (look into that, the food is bland but healthy) ..grandchildren came by to make sure he took his meds . He lived to be 91 and was only mildly confused at the end, he told the same stories over and over ..like my Mom ...

Let the poor guy drive a little longer!

How did your Mom adjust to the nursing home?

Love,

Martha

Our newspaper recently did an article on driving by the elderly, and wrote that little dents in the car or unexplained accidents are major symptoms of being unable to drive. The article suggested restricting driving to daytime hours and quiet roads (no more highways). A lot of this depends on where you live (city, suburbs or country -- clearly, he'd be a lot safer and there's more of a need to keep driving to maintain independence in rural areas).

My Dad in FL is 84, and just told me that he has decided to stop driving since his foot hit the gas instead of the brake. He has heart disease, a tumor on his spine and arthritis, and his doctor had never spoken to him about driving (this is Florida, after all?).

If you contact the Dept. of Transportation, some State DOTs will contact the driver and call him/her in to have another driving test if there's a doubt -- others, like in PA. will refer information from the family or Doctor to a medical panel, which can either suspend a license immediately or require the driver to take a test. My husband's license was recalled immediately when his doctor reported his diagnosis (Alzheimers). Our state also does give restricted licenses, so it's possible that an elderly driver with vision or other problems might only be restricted to certain classes of roads and driving hours. My FIL died in his car -- fortunately he drifted to the side of the road and didn't hurt anyone. He lived in an apt. and his car equaled independence, but he had a hip replacement, heart condition and a mini-stroke. Very tough decisions. We were in the process of hiring a high school kid to be his "chauffer" (sp) after school, using his car/gas.

In the case of my husband's Alzheimers, the neurologist immediately reported his diagnosis as an illness that might impair driving abilities even though he was just at the beginning of the disease. We thought my husband was a better driver than my kid, and were very upset that the doctor required him to turn his license in so early in the disease. I researched the law, and discovered only one case in PA in which a dementia patient had appealed -- and that patient lost, since the doctor's opinion that driving might be impaired was deemed to be sufficient to justify withdrawal of the driving "privilege" granted by the state. Nevertheless, we paid a lot of $ and went to a rehab center for an independent evaluation so that my husband could appeal (he was really upset about losing his license and independence!). What an eye-opener! He missed half the street signs on the written test, and a test of peripheral vision showed that he was unable to multi-task (he could stay focused on the road, but he couldn't keep track of other things going on at the same time, like a kid running towards the road).

If there's a social group for the elderly in your community, they may be able to tell you what resources are available for drivers or the Dept. of Transportation may have a FAQ on their website/phone service for suggestions. The high school student idea may also help reduce the time that your Dad needs to be behind the wheel.

Hi Bride,

Another avenue that might be possible is for your Dad to move where your mother is and share a larger space with her.

My mother was in assisted living in an apartment (with her own furniture) until she wandered away at night. That facility had long-married residents with differing needs and abilities who were still able to live together. Hired aides fed those who needed help eating and needed special diets so patients like your Mom could be accomodated. The facility provided weekly bus trips to the banks, grocery store, and WalMart and also took residents to medical appointments. Those who no longer could drive had most of the transportation they needed. Another benefit was that the healthier member of the couple had many people to socialize with, a library in that facility and even 2 pool tables.

Maybe the place where your mother is could provide this accomodation.

It's food for thought.

Blessings - Barbara

My mom passed away at the nursing home on Sunday......This has really been a tough week. She was fine on Saturday when i was visiting her but on Sat. night her breathing became rapid she spiked a fever and i believe her body began to slowly shut down. She passed on Sunday afternoon with her family by her side. My dad is devasted........He has been brokenhearted since she went into the n. home in June.
I will have to watch him very closely now more than ever. I do think his driving days are over. He is so frail now and seems to be having trouble walking...My mom's funeral is not until saturday (she has grandchildren coming in from out of state)....
I think she knew how hard it was on my Dad, going there to see her every single day and she just gave up....She is in peace now and with God....thanks for all the support. Bride527

Dear Bride,

Bless your heart. My sympathies go out to you and your family. Even when a loved one has been so debilitated, it's so hard to say good-bye.

You'll all be in my prayers, especially your father as he finds his feet again after such a loss.

Blessings - Barbara

Dear Bride,

I am so sorry to hear this bad news. I hope you get through the next few weeks OK, and are there to support your father in his dark moments. God bless you!

Love,

Martha