Hi Gals. :bouncing:

I got my 3 hours off, went straight to Central Park (4 subway stops from here) walked right to the many stands where souvenirs are sold and got a great picture. Actually an enlarged photograph, not of the park in Autumn but in early spring. It shows the domed bridge over the lake near 59th Street and the surrounding trees are just beginnng to bud ..it is lovely..and since I am planning to decorate in blues and greens this color fits in with my plans too.

It was also much cheaper ..and I am very happy. I got back to this neighborhood with enough time left to go and stuff myself on blueberry pancakes: well, everyone says blueberries are good for the eyes, so this isn't really a luxury ... :D :D

Mom just returned and I'm warming up her leftovers from yesterday's lunch at the pub. She refused to wear the depends today again. I am not pushing it, it is not worth the fuss.

Love,

Martha

Excellent!!!!!!!!!!!!! The picture of Central Park in spring sounds lovely and a sale price is a bonus. Doesn't looking at that picture make freedom and feathering your own nest feel so must closer?!

Glad you had some refreshing time to yourself to do things you enjoy. Blueberries - yum!!!

Shrea, shrea....

Hugs and blessings - Barbara :)

Doesn't it feel GREAT to have time to yourself and also treat yourself to something that tastes good and something that will give you joy for years to come? I am so happy for you! :)

The depends thing...maybe she'll come around soon. Just a little suggestion here and there may do it. I think you're right not to push the issue. I have no problem using them myself when I have bronchtis because I get such an awful cough that I can't help but pee my pants. It's terrible. But if I had to wear them every day, I might feel differently.

I think my grandma summed it up perfectly when grandpa got really bad with alzheimer's. When approached with the idea of making grandpa wear depends she said "If he chooses to, that's fine. But until then, that's the only thing in his life he thinks he has control over. I'm not going to take that away from him."

Love, Barb

Your grandmother was a wise woman.

My son in Germany called this morning. His advice to me was, "Since you can't have an intelligent conversation with Grandma any more, just listen and answer as you would to a small child. Don't even try to correct her misunderstandings." I know I have to learn this lesson, but I can't seem to do it!

At lunch I told Mom: "I understand Elsie is coming to NY for her 50th anniversary of her High School graduation. Do you think Jack will come too?" (actually wondering if she will even bother stopping in here while in NYC.)

Mom says,"Oh yes. Jack will come. He wants to see New York. HE WAS NEVER IN NEW YORK."

Jack and Elsie were both born and raised in NYC, went to City College where they met at age 18, got married here, and had the first 2 childlren here. His Mom lived in Queens not too far from here until she died a few years ago. His brother in law lives here. His sister died here a couple of years ago. Jack never in New York?

How do I answer that? Of course I said "Jack was born in NY! Remember the house in Richmond Hill? Remember he and Elsie met at college?"

"Oh, that's right. I was thinking of D...," (Jenny's husband.) ARGH! D was also in NY several times, visited Mom here, visited me here ..was here in October.

Better give up. Actually she did mean Jack and FORGOT that he is a native New Yorker!!

Love,

Martha

I have to remember that all the time. Dad mixes up things like when he last saw his sisters. It was about two months ago but he thinks he hasn't seen them in years.

I'm going to try the shower thing on him again tomorrow. I would do it today but I have to go to work soon and it's just not worth it risking a huge explosion before I go. I'm home all day tomorrow so I'll deal with that then. :)

Love, Barb

I think your son is right, Martha.

Before Mom's diagnosis 2 weeks ago, all this incorrect info was driving me batty. I kept trying to correct it for her, thinking I was helping. Nope, it was gone as soon as I said it.

This is kind of funny. Before the diagnosis... when everything suddenly made sense!

My brother's and I had always visited her on different days. My younger brother went over on Saturdays, I went on Tuesdays and my older brother just popped in whenever. The sad part was........none of us knew the other's visiting habits.

Mom had told me that she hadn't seen my older brother in 3 years, and she hadn't seen my younger brother in months.....since he'd bought a new house.

We all got wise when my younger bother called to scold me for not visiting Mom. I was thinking about doing the same to both of them. We checked with our older brother and learned that we all visited on a regular basis and usually once a week. But she had told each of us that she never saw the others.

In her mind, she had never remembered the visits.

I was totally amazed and think my eyes were really "opened," when the doctor interviewed her before testing with the MMSE. His been her doctor for years and was familiar with her medical history.

She told him she had always been healthy, never been in the hospital except to deliver 3 children. No surgeries.

My Mom has had a hysterectomy, mastectomy, gallbladder surgery and a few other minor surgeries. I had no idea she had forgotten all that until the doctor's interview with her.

Back to your son though, when I do try to correct her memory she cries. I finally decided whatever she does remember is fine.

I've been reading "The Forgetting," and love one single line for the caretaker to the patient.

"They need comfort and security........not the truth."

Sandy

I think your son is right, Martha.


I've been reading "The Forgetting," and love one single line for the caretaker to the patient.

"They need comfort and security........not the truth."

Sandy

Now I think I've GOT IT! Thanks!!

Girls ..this is a breakthrough for me. I think I really do finally understand it.

Elsie called and Mom was telling her a whole lot of pure nonsense .. complaining about Esther, the new aide, saying she was untrained and too young and ought to be in school ... and telling 'tall tales' about where we went and what we did and even the weather, getting it all wrong ... and as usual I was getting steamed up and about to intervene to say "That's not true! Esther is not a young, untrained girl. She is 50! She is an LPN, not just an HHA ..better trained etc.

Then I remembered Sandy's words and thought "it's not about Esther. It isn't even about Elsie, or me. It isn't abut proving I am right (and Mom is all wrong) and Elsie is wrong. It's only about making Mom feel comfortable and secure. And Elsie believing her is just exactly what she needs."

It's OK for me to be jealous that Mom might 'love' Elsie more, and feel happier with Elsie and therefore probably behave better with Elsie. Everything is OK, including my expressing my feelings (but not to mom or to Elsie ..you get that job) as long as Mom feels good. I felt at peace immediately, and within seconds Mom was saying ''Esther is nice. She does extra cleaning. She does whetever I want her to do, I like her better than Candy." She had begun by saying "I don't know when Candy is coming back, I do not like the substitute at all." (E has replaced C, is not a sub!)

She completely contradicted herself within 2 minutes..and even Elsie must have noticed ..but that is all unimportant!!

Amazing!

I think I have had a change of attitude, and it is about time too!

Love,

Martha

Isn't it freeing to let the AD person you love just be wrong? It's okay. It's really okay.

Hugs - Barbara :wave:

Aint't that the truth! For me, if dad's happy, I'm happy. If he's mad, everyone is miserable.

Barb

I think I discovered this one in the middle of one of my bouts of depression ... and it's something I've coached other's on (it's so EASY to coach other people .. but all the rules change when it's yourself LOL).... I do this with relationship problems, and you could do it with Alz. patients as well I guess.

Ask yourself the following:

1) Is it REALLY imperative that you start an argument?
2) What will the outcome of the argument be?
a) will everybody be happy? - Then it's not an argument
b) will one party be happy? - that suits only one, it's not a team effort
c) will everybody be miserable? - that suits nobody and is pointless.
3) Ask question one again.
4) Will the outcome affect you in 5 days? 5 weeks? 5 months? 5 years?
5) Is it REALLY that important?

Then you can go deeper of course ... but the outcome is supposed to be favourable to all parties.

When MIL babbles in her talk, I tune out. I can't help it. I was sending myself INSANE trying to make sense out of her words. I can't. I admit it. I tell anyone who will listen "I can't translate anymore" .. I don't even try. Sometimes I guess - sometimes I'm right, most times I'm wrong. Who was it eating up? Me. When she says something (with great authority in her tone) as long as she get's a response of "really" or "is that so" ..she's happier.. .. everybody wins.

It's not about point scoring. It's a matter of keeping them AS CALM AS POSSIBLE so you don't get beaten up like me, and it's about keeping yourself AS CALM AS POSSIBLE so you don't get sick (like me ... hmmm.. I am a repeat offender methinks)

Many Many hugs gals'

Sally

Thanks, I appreciate your advice.

Sally, you are in a bad position. People are taking advantage of your good heart. JULY is too far off. I hope your husband does everything in his poweer to get his mother moved to a senior care facility. Maybe you can deal with FIL with outside help, but BOTH of them is IMPOSSIBLE!!! You need relief, you need a vacation! You need a LIFE! What happened to the idea of respite care? Keep plugging for it although I can well understand that you are at the end of your rope - talking to them is like fighting windmills.

Ask your entire in-law family: what woud you do if I were not here? What if you had not moved in a year ago? BOTH parents would be in care. With all his money, maybe you can hire around the clock nurses or aides to live in and do what YOU have been doing? Is that possible? You could move out!

God bless and heal you!

Love,

Martha

Thanks, Martha. I will remember your words of wisdom and try to apply it to my life.

One of the things I keep telling myself is "How important is it?" If the issue at hand is going to affect me for the rest of my life, then yes, it's important. If the issue is whether dad let his dog out before going to bed, then it's not really an important issue worthy of my time and effort. Susie will wake him up if she needs to go out.

Btw, we have two dogs. Susie is dad's toy poodle. Nipsy is my Jack Russell/Toy Fox Terrier. She's spring loaded and full of energy! :) Nipsy has had her share of medical problems herself. She has hypothyroidism and epilepsy. When we got her, her left leg was bandaged up and infected. She was attacked by another dog. Sad story. She was really timid for a long time. But to this day, she'll show the big dogs who's boss. She once went up to a black lab and jumped up and bit him in the nose. She didn't care if she was only 10 pounds and he was 80. She was going to show him who's the boss! :)

I've got to fix my morning coffee, gals. Have a great day! Although by my estimation Sally is probably ready to turn in for the night. In that case Good night Sally!

Love, Barb