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i'm really sorry about your friend - I know you must be devastated. People say things like time will heal but I know that at the moment that is impossible to believe. I think that perhaps you are starting to accept it because you say that you are worried about letting your feelings of hatred go away- just by saying that deep down you know that you can't carry on feeling the way you do and even though you might not want to I think you are slowly starting to accept it.You are right that this is going to hurt for a long time but you will find ways of coping, when someone close to me died I made a book with pictures and memories of the good times we had together, I cried over it a lot while I was making it and then I put it away and every so often I get it out and have a good cry over it again and then feel a lot better. That way I always have something to remind me of our relationship and I wrote in it many things that we did together but also many of the little things that we did or said to each other that were just in-jokes between the two of us. This helped me focus on the good times we had together while I was making it and then eventually I turned the corner from despair and now I live my life for the two of us knowing that my friend would want me to make the most of my life and enjoy the experiences that she was never to have. You too will find a way to do that. God bless :angel:

Froufrou,
I'm so sorry for what happened to your friend.

Feeling angry is totally normal, and can carry you through some days when you think you can't make it, because you are grieving so much from missing her.
you are feeling so angry because you feel helpless. That also is a normal feeling.

Happytoes has some great advice, about remembering the good things/times that you all had together. Remember that you DID have her in your life, and that your life was that much better for knowing her.

I'm not sure that the sadness will ever go away, and I don't think it's supposed to - but it will lessen - and you'll be able to remember her with smiles instead of tears (sometimes).

Have you thought about joining a support group - a grief support group in your area? Many of them are sponsored through the YMCA/YWCA or a local church, and are free. Sharing your thoughts, frustrations and feelings with others would be a way to help you start to heal.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

HUGS,
mary anne

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. I have a cousin living in Thailand but as he lives away from the coast, he was okay when the tsunami hit. I can't imagine what you are going through right now.

This reminded me of a woman I work with who lost a very close friend in 2004. She went on a holiday to Bali with him (lets call him Ted) and two other good friends and they all had a fantastic time together. Then a few days after they came back from their holiday, Ted had a massive heart attack which left him in a coma. He was not expected to live but he was transferred to a nursing home a few days after he had the heart attack. He died two days later. An autopsy was performed and it was found that he had cardiomyopathy (not sure how to spell that). He didn't know he had this but he had had it for about 2 years. He had no symptoms and he was in perfect health otherwise. It was just a matter of time before he died. This woman I work with was so grateful that they were able to have a such a great holiday together and she will always remember that. I guess this would be of little comfort to you but I would try to remember the good times.

Linda