The three of us (husband, son and myself) have been living with dad for a year. We've been paying for everything-food, gas, electric, telephone, water and other neccesities. Dad hasn't had to pay for anything. All dad pays is the taxes on his house. We've spent money doing some landscaping and minor repairs to the house such as a new kitchen faucett. I'm still using dad's money to pay off debts he incurred at the hands of my sister ($26K worth of bills). Dad has enough money where he can pay for groceries say one week out of the month. I think that's pretty fair since we pay for everything else. The thing is dad doesn't offer and I'm afraid to ask. We're very broke right now. If we had the money, it would be a different story. My sister keeps calling and asking for money. I sent her $200 last week and paid $400 last month on a credit card that dad opened for her son and he's not paying. He hasn't been to her house in a year and she still wants money. So why is it if I have to ask for $20 to help me get through the week I feel like I'm stealing it from him or something? It costs me more living here than it did when we lived in our appt before moving here. Sometimes he dad complains when loaning me money and sometimes he gives it to me without a word. He just gave my son $60 to spend at the WWE wrestling thing he's going to tonight but my son promised to clean grandpa's car all summer for that $60. Plus he cuts all the bushes and things like that and doesn't ask for anything.

Anyway, my question is: Is it right to ask him for help when we're living in his house? Please be honest with me.

Thanks.

Love, Barb

YES, it is right. You are not living there in luxury, on vacation. You are his round the clock nurse, companion, food preparer, reminder to shower-er, etc. You did not move there to save money but to save DAD.

He should be paying for many of the household expenses. When you go grocery shopping, he should give you half. If you have POA or a joint checking account, you can just make out a check to yourself.

It should not be necessary to ask him each time. It is not a favor, and not borrowed. It is his fair share. Think of what he would be paying for a Home Health Aide ($19 an hour in NYC). You should at least get a minimum wage for every hour spent showering him, washing is clothes, boiling his 'verstunkene' underpants, etc.(that's a German word but pretty self explanatory.. stinky!)

If you do not have Power of Attorney, you must go to a lawyer with him and have him sign it. He must know by now that he is not always clear in the head. He knows he needs help. So lets get it going: then you also have a say in his use of his resources. He ought to stop paying off debts incurred by his far off grandson. His other daughter should not have access to his credit card. The account number can be changed to prevent her further use of it.

I moved here in 2000, April, and got a job in September .. For those 5 months my Mom paid for everything. As soon as I was working, I paid half the rent, half the utilities, half the phone bill, half the odd expenses, and all of the groceries. I was so thankful I was able to live here with her, a place of refuge for me. Now I feel I must get out, because of her dementia ..but I have paid my way and so has she. Your Dad only paid taxes? How does he think the food appears on the table, does the tooth fairy leave it? He must have bought groceries before you came in, now he must still do so. Since you are 3 and he is one, maybe he should pay 1/4 of all food, paper supplies, soap, detergent. He ought to be paying for all his own haircuts, medical care, medications, entertainment (cable TV if he watches it) 1/4 of the phone bill and utilities. You are giving yourself away over there ... Can it be he thinks he is doing you a favor by letting you live there? Someone has to enlighten him, but if his dementia is too advanced , he won't see it. Get that POA. It will lighten your load a lot. He also owes you for all the food etc for the last year ..his share of 1/4. Good luck!

Love,

Martha

Ya know Barb, I live in my mother's house with her and pay her $200 a month towrad the utilities and I usually am the one who buys all the groceries and now I'm also taking care of her since her diagnoses of AD. It doesn't bother my sister one bit to call and ask her for money for this and that and my younger brother does the same. I am the one who will be taking care of her for Lord knows how long and yes I hate asking her for a few dollars to pay for my meds when I'm short LOL.

And the WORST thing ... I know that when my mom passes the ouse is going to my younger brother and I'll be on the streets and they do NOTHING for her. Last time I had to get my sister to take her to the doctor she made her fill her tank with gas AND buy her a big lunch that my mom complained she didn't even eat.

I guess that was more than you wanted but I just wanted you to see you're not alone :)

Thank you Martha and Texas. Dad still thinks he pays for everything even though he has his checkbook all the time and there is nothing in the ledger except payments to CitiCard, Citgo, BP, Sears, etc, etc, etc.

My name is on his checking acct and I am the one who takes care of it except for when he decides to write a check for $100 for himself. It's always $100-never more, never less.

I went for a car ride with dad today. Other than him forgetting which way to go (I think that's why he always takes someone along) and driving a little slow sometimes, he seems to do ok. He still knows his lefts and rights and stop on red, go on green. I started going for short rides with him every once in a while just to guage where his perception and memory are as far as driving.

There is so much building going on here lately that I can understand his confusion. They're reconfiguring roads like crazy for new industrial parks and subdivisions. It used to be all farms and cows here. I remember riding my bike down a road when I was a teenager and getting chased by a raging mad bull. JEEEZ, was THAT scary! :D

things are going to be really tight for us this summer. Dh will be out of work most of the summer and he cannot collect unemployment per his union contract. My job pays just $7.25/hr and my weekly hours are at the whim of my boss and the store manager. I'll have a job with my hubby come August plus the little hours they give me at the store. I have to keep that job for the insurance. My new job will be driving a school bus. I'm hoping to get a special ed route. I love kids to be with kids who are physically challenged.

Anyway, thanks again.

Love, Barb

Hmmm .. doesn't this seem to be a familiar picture.

My DH, 3 kids and I live with the inlaws. I buy all the food for the main meal of the day. I buy FIL's 'bits' during the fortnight (newspaper, throat lollies, bread etc) every so often, FIL gives me $20 ... doesn't quite cover anything. Or he'll give me $10 towards buying him a medicine, but it'll come to $13.50 ..I fork out the extra.

I also pay $200 off the phone bill each month, $40 off electricity (was $100, but we ended up with $600 credit with the electricity company), we cover the gas heating bill, put petrol in their car every so often (we use it for them only - we have our own car) I have my furniture in storage (no room up here) and that's $200 a month, we're paying off our car and of course, we have the inevitable credit card bills, internet costs and school fees.

FIL doesn't even CONSIDER assisting us financially because he see's we're not paying rent therefore we have that money as 'extra' .. trouble is, that 'extra' get's eaten up in buying food for 7 people instead of 5 and the storage and heating costs!!!

Are our charges SELFISH???

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Sally

Bossmom;
Do you have Power of Attorney for his finances and Medical in place? If you do, that would give you some authority to do what needs to be done. In my situation, my mom's house is paid for, and both my sister and I are P.O.A.'s for her. I pay the bills out of my mom's account, but my husband and I contribute financially to her account because we live here too. Why does your sister ask you for money??? It's really none of my business, but if it isn't being used to put towards your dad's care, then why does she need it anyway? You may have to put your foot down, get legal help, and carry on "in the best interst of your dad". Anyone who fights with you on that simple doesn't have his best interest in mind. Just a quick question....would your dad be able to re-fi his house if money is an issue? Can a loan be secured somehow, some way? Can anything be sold?? I have found that since I'm in the home, others really can't be telling me what it is that I should be doing or not doing, and any time they want to take over, just let me know and I'm gone. They can do this!
Are you connected with a church or care-giving support group? Maybe you could call your local Alzheimer's group and see what's available. You need to preserve your peace of mind or you wont' be able to care for your dad. He needs you to be of sound mind, since he really can't be.
Good luck,
1stborn

It is more than fair to ask for money to help with bills. However, most dementia patients will usually be reluctant to give of funds. Remember you are caring for him. Without you where would he be? Actually you should be receiving some income every month to offset your bills.

If anyone in the family complains, then let them know they can take on the job themselves. I bet you have no takers.

I really don't know where your father is at understanding finances. Probably not much. However, they all seem cognitive when your asking for money and mostly they are not generous. Have you ever consisered a Power of Attorney? Or putting your name on his checking account? Guilt? It don't think so. You are maintaining his life. Does anyone else want the job?

Try to make it easier on yourselves. Your sacrifice is tremendous. Your father is loved and cared for.

MIL - the one with dementia .. (not FIL with the tight wallet) has been trying for almost a year now to take THOUSANDS out of their retirement funds. Each time she's been fairly thwarted .. except for just before Xmas when she took out $3,000 .. and I haven't found it since (sob .....that would pay off a credit card !! LOL)

FIL did call the retirement fund people and request they limit her withdrawals to $500, and they said "hey .. it's her money, we're not gonna stop her" so I ducked in and said "fine ... but SHE has to SAY the amount EXACTLY .. you are NOT to prompt her"

so last week, when she made DH drive her there, he stood back, crossed his arms and said NOTHING. He just watched. I went dashing downstairs to FIL and said "She's at the Retirement Fund people" and he made another phone call .. repeating .. if she says "withdrawal" make it $500. No more. They started up with their little spiel and he just quietly said "oh yes, but I have Power of Attorney, and you WILL do what I ask" .......

They gave MIL a statement, and she was a happy camper and left quite amicably. Although DH knew it wasn't what she wanted, nobody could get the WORDS and so we won that little battle.

Seriously though, now she hit's the bank .. her little slush fund of $5,000, and she wants to take it all out. The bank knows it's not right. For 2 years, each week she would take out $200. No more. No Less. Now ... it's all over the place. There's money stashed EVERYWHERE in the house. A burglar would have a field day!!

I think BIL thinks MIL is giving us money. Except for the short period of time where she DID give us a few hundred (the .. Get Sally out of the House Slush Fund) which actually paid for NEW tyres (not retreads .. that was a treat) and buying some extra food to get a bit of a supply up .. she gives us nothing. FIL, as I said, gives us $20 here, and $20 there ... but it's not ever enough to cover what we DO spend.

And yes, you ask other family members for help and they all go running off into their own little homes .. still bitching of course ...

Oh I just sound like a whinging complaining moaning cow today don't I? Sorry

Hugs
Sally

Trust me, I feel the same way. And I forgot to tell you I have most of my things in storage too. Some of my stuff is here in the garage. I want to get my bed in here because the one that's in our bedroom is fine on my dh's side but sinks to the middle on my side. And that bed is full size and my husband and I are rather large so we're butt to butt all the time. But dad sees nothing wrong with that bed. I was going to pitch it in the trash when he went to Alabama but that's not happening now. Sister cannot come to get him.

Someone asked if I had POA. I do over his medical but not financial. My name is on his checking account so I have no problem with that. I take care of all of his finances. Some days he is able to write a check, some days he's not. Today, he wanted to take $100 out of his checking. He took a check and asked me the date. Then he asked me if he was supposed to sign it on the back. He finished filling it out and asked me if it was right. Some days he knows to deduct the amount he withdrew and put it in the ledger. Some days, he does'nt.

I think I may have figured out a way to do this without having to ask for money. I'm going to try this when his pension and social security check are direct deposited into his checking account next month. I'll take two bills like the gas or electric bill and the cable bill and pay them from his account. This would help me a LOT and then I won't have to ask him for money. I think we'll all be happy then. Ohhhhh I hope I hope I hope...........

Oh I forgot to tell you all I'll be having a three day vacation from all this stuff starting on the 21st of April. I AM SOOOO EXITED!!!!! I'm going to southern Missouri for a long weekend. I haven't been out of town for 2 1/2 years! I'm going with two or three of my friends. We're driving down there to visit a friend of ours who moved there last December. This lady we're going to visit helped me a LOT when I first moved in with my dad. She helped me get through some issues in my past that suddenly began haunting me when I moved back in with dad. This friend is more like a second mom to me. I miss her so much and I just can't wait to see her and her husband.

Love, Barb

I don't think our charges are selfish at all. I don't think caregivers have a selfish bone in their bodies. We're all very selfLESS. We always tend to think of others before ourselves. Maybe that's why I feel somewhat guilty for wanting help.

Love, Barb

Barb, have a great time in Missouri!!!

Love,

Martha

Thank you, Martha. I'm sure I will!

Love, Barb

I feel pretty good. I let dad pay the phone bill. He found it on the table and opened it. He say "I guess I'd better pay this". "If you don't mind. We were going to pay it but things are tight this month with my hours being cut at work and Craig (my husband) being off work for a week with no pay." So he handed me his checkbook. No fussing or fighting. Life is grand at the moment.

Now we'll see what lies ahead. The plumber is here now so we'll see if dad has complaints about that when he leaves. He'll say something like "Oh there was nothing wrong with the plumbing". Not if you consider a valve that sprays water everywhere when you turn it off to be ok. And lord knows everyone uses pliers to turn on the kitchen faucett. ;)

This guy is welding in here and it stinks. Have to go now.

Love, barb

I just thought I would add what my grandma's attorney told me. We had her medical and POA done about 1 1/2 months ago. I'm her Medical POA and myself and my mother is her POA. Her attorney said whatever we did not to make out any checks to ourselves because there is a enormous fine for that. I'm thinking it's OH! I cant remember but he said it was alot like thousands. My mom can right me a check or I can write her a check, but you can not write yourself one according to him. LMG

It is so good to have contact with this group. It never even dawned on me that finances could be a part of my sister's motivation. BUt it is suddenly more than clear. If Mom is basicaly 'not demented' why should she contnue to send a check to Bill each mnth for 2/5 of the Home Health Aide's cost? LAST MONTH - the bills come in 30 days later, so this is the February bill, not the time she was in Ohio - HE SENT HER THE BILL AND DID NOT GET A CHECK. Last month he paid the whole thing. She is not answering his email, letters, or picking up the phone.

I could be wrong, maybe it is in the mail, on its way.. but I am beginning to fear that the whole 'theater' she put on about Mom's 'normalcy' was for that reason. Mom is not confused, so she doesn't need an aide, so I am not paying any more. Let's hope this is not so.

Meanwhile I am more and more convinced that my care for Mom over more than 5 years has prolonged her life. Bill said to me, without your care, she would not still be here. I make sure she takes her pills, washes, wears clean clothes and sleeps in a clean bed, gets excercise, brushes her teeth, eats, gets medical care if needed, gets flu shots, etc etc. if I had not come to New York, surely before a year was over someone else would have had to step in or she would have died.

Giving her care over to another member of the team is not copping out or giving up. I've said it before, and will probably have to re-convince myself again ..but I am still a member of the team even if I live somewhere else.

Meanwhile my brother bought the house, is in the process of selling his, has an enormous amount of paperwork and deadlines and schedules and moving, packing, throwing out. The new house has no attic and only a single car garage so lots of stored things must GO. He hasn't had time to come over here, or to take Mom out for an afternoon. I understand that, I will do my best for the 2 remaining months .. yes today in 2 months I fly to South Bend!

Love,
Martha

LMG, I never make out any checks to myself. The bills are all in his name. I write the checks to the appropriate places and sign my name on them. I'm on his checking and savings accounts. But thanks for the info!

Martha, you're not wrong. If she's not answering by any means of attempted contact, she is avoiding Bill and you. If she's not willing to talk to either of you, chances are the check isn't coming. I said I wouldn't say it again but I just have to. Moo Moo is a selfish cow! And you know she's stuck in her self centered ways. That's all there is to it.

I took some cold medicine a little while ago and it's making me very sleepy. I'm trying to correct the typos but I may miss some. 3 hours of sleep last night was just not enough. My head is so congested and I'm getting that bronchitis cough AGAIN. Third time this year. ARRRGGHHH!!!!!

Time to rest now. The house is quiet other than the neighbor's dog barking which I'm used to. My son just went to his friend's house. Dh is sleeping as is dad I think. Now it's my turn. SOOOOO TIRED!

Love, Barb

Barb ..get well .. you have to be 'fit' for yur lovely trip coming up!!

Love and prayers,

Martha

I'm trying. :)

I'm going whether I'm sick or not. My friends and I planned this more than a month ago. I'll call the doctor's office Moday and get some anti-b's.

Love, Barb