Martha H
04-15-2005, 06:06 AM
Hello Friends,
Isn't it funny how the word changed from caretaker to caregiver? We do take care of others, but I guess that's all we take. Cargegiver is more accurate.
People seem to belong to either the givers or the takers. The takers get more, at least in material terms, out of life, but at the expense of walking all over others.
My parents were givers. Whem Mom got married, she not only got a husband but a father in law and a live in brother in law. Later when her sister in law died, her brother's children came to live with us for months, until other arrangements could be made.
I think I am beginning to understand my sister. She is a taker. This may be irrelevant, and it was a very long time ago, but she was apprehended once for shoplifting. She was a stay at home Mom for a while and could not afford to buy everyhting she wanted, so just took things. Or maybe taking is a psychological escape from a dull existence.
But basically she managed to get everything she ever wanted, and did not do a whole lot for others, especially after her children grew up. I am convinced that her 2 or 3 weeks a year "Mothercare" is based on selfishness. I am also convinced that taking my mother everywhere and 'showing her off' as the bright, sparkly, alert and mentaly well 96 year old does nothing for Mom, but gets E "points' in her mind, espcially when her her friends say "this is the woman your sister thinks has dementia?"
She has not answered Bill's letter about his moving dates .. not volunteered to have Mom there during the moving time .. not asked how HE is doing ..no contact with her only brother since Mom was in Ohio. Bill thinks they initially moved to Ohio to escape from family responsibilities. There was always a conflict .. they didn't want to spend Christmas with us or with J's family so they went off skiing. They didn 't want to participate in Dad's retirement dinner, so they 'couldn't come. E caused a few raised eyebrows at the wedding in 2003 of Bill's son .. by wearing inappropriate clothes. Anna says, she just doesn't care ... she doesn't think about what others think, only herself is important. Her outfit was a green jogging suit. Well, it was made of a kind of glitzy material, but was not a dressup outfit. Anna has been annoyed at her ever since.
How does one sibling get to be a taker and the other 2 givers? Who is happier? I find great pleasure in doing small acts of kindness, like giving someone directions on the subway, or helping a blind man find the street crossing. Taking, and accumulating wealth and "things" is a dull kind of living. We can't take it with us ..that's for sure.
Philosophizing at 5 AM again .. up since 3.
Love,
Martha
Isn't it funny how the word changed from caretaker to caregiver? We do take care of others, but I guess that's all we take. Cargegiver is more accurate.
People seem to belong to either the givers or the takers. The takers get more, at least in material terms, out of life, but at the expense of walking all over others.
My parents were givers. Whem Mom got married, she not only got a husband but a father in law and a live in brother in law. Later when her sister in law died, her brother's children came to live with us for months, until other arrangements could be made.
I think I am beginning to understand my sister. She is a taker. This may be irrelevant, and it was a very long time ago, but she was apprehended once for shoplifting. She was a stay at home Mom for a while and could not afford to buy everyhting she wanted, so just took things. Or maybe taking is a psychological escape from a dull existence.
But basically she managed to get everything she ever wanted, and did not do a whole lot for others, especially after her children grew up. I am convinced that her 2 or 3 weeks a year "Mothercare" is based on selfishness. I am also convinced that taking my mother everywhere and 'showing her off' as the bright, sparkly, alert and mentaly well 96 year old does nothing for Mom, but gets E "points' in her mind, espcially when her her friends say "this is the woman your sister thinks has dementia?"
She has not answered Bill's letter about his moving dates .. not volunteered to have Mom there during the moving time .. not asked how HE is doing ..no contact with her only brother since Mom was in Ohio. Bill thinks they initially moved to Ohio to escape from family responsibilities. There was always a conflict .. they didn't want to spend Christmas with us or with J's family so they went off skiing. They didn 't want to participate in Dad's retirement dinner, so they 'couldn't come. E caused a few raised eyebrows at the wedding in 2003 of Bill's son .. by wearing inappropriate clothes. Anna says, she just doesn't care ... she doesn't think about what others think, only herself is important. Her outfit was a green jogging suit. Well, it was made of a kind of glitzy material, but was not a dressup outfit. Anna has been annoyed at her ever since.
How does one sibling get to be a taker and the other 2 givers? Who is happier? I find great pleasure in doing small acts of kindness, like giving someone directions on the subway, or helping a blind man find the street crossing. Taking, and accumulating wealth and "things" is a dull kind of living. We can't take it with us ..that's for sure.
Philosophizing at 5 AM again .. up since 3.
Love,
Martha
Sponsor
angel_bear
04-15-2005, 06:50 AM
Ahh Martha ..
You've been thinking and being retrospective in the wee small hours of the morn' ..........
and rightfully so.
Yes, your right. There are takers and givers. My ex-sister-in-law (BIL's Ex Wife) is one of those. I still hear, to this day, how she "got me my drivers licence" .... what she did was get the proverbial poops with me not driving and having to drive ONE STREET away to pick my son up and take him to school with HERsame aged daughter (she was going there anyway) on WET DAYS ONLY. I had two toddlers when Cameron started school, Brianna being severely ill with asthma as a newborn (almost died twice in 7 months) ..... she got fed up after TWO WEEKS (one day a week) and dragged me off to the RTA to get my Learners Permit. (I already had a motor bike licence btw) .. in the 6 months I had to have the Learners, she took me for ONE lesson and that lasted 20 minutes. Yet she claims she 'got me my licence' ......and I am expected, at each meeting, to thank her for all she did for me. I'm over it personally. But I still feel I have to say Thankyou !!! LOL .. just whip me ......
Last year, when MIL was in her town visiting her brother and it all went pear shaped and horrid (MIL tantrums, hitting .. screaming .. you get the picture) and MIL's brother and his wife were going to put her on a train to Sydney to get rid of her (that's 6 hours drive south from here) and I got a phone call saying "tough, pick her up" I rang the ex-sister-in-law and said .. much to my chagrin .. "HELP" .. she picked up MIL and kept her for the day then DROVE her to Sydney where BIL picked her up.
To this day, I hear how she "saved the day" and didn't find MIL "much of a problem' and how she 'would like to help, but is too far away' and when I offer to drive MIL down to stay a week finds numerous excuses NOT to have her .
I call it THE MATYR SYNDROME .......... it makes 'em look good, but in fact, they doing jack S*** in actually being functional. And just for good measure, there is a medical psychological term for this syndrome, so I wasn't far off the track.
It absolves their conscious that they have actually DONE something, perhaps not as productive as necessary or as liked, but they DID do something and you CANNOT dispute it ....... salve to their soul basically.
We .. being the people we are, KNOW we could probably do MORE than what we ARE doing. It's our little guilt thing. Lord knows, I'm covered in it at the moment with our impending 'run away' break .. what if the hospital wants to send him home? What if he dies while we're away? What if MIL burns the house down? ........... it's hard having a conscious ....... it really is.
And that's where we differ from the martyrs .. we HAVE a very loud conscious .. it speaks clearly and we listen. Perhaps we listen too well sometimes, but we listen. We TRULY know right from wrong and we care and love our fellow human being . We're the ones who feel sorry for the stray animal and pick it up and take it to the vet, we're the ones who have a HEART.
And that alone should ease our guilt and our anger at others. Yup, I'm angry .. sure am .. fully admit it. I said to my niece today, "your dad doesn't do enough, it's annoying" and she said "yeah .. but he's always like that Aunty Sal ... what can we do?" .. so that justifies me in the fact I KNOW he's not doing enough because she doesn't even LIVE with him and she see's the same thing ......
Ok .. rambling again .............
Gawd I'm gonna miss you guys while I'm away ............ !!!!!!!!!!! (sob)
Hugs, hugs, hugs
Sally
You've been thinking and being retrospective in the wee small hours of the morn' ..........
and rightfully so.
Yes, your right. There are takers and givers. My ex-sister-in-law (BIL's Ex Wife) is one of those. I still hear, to this day, how she "got me my drivers licence" .... what she did was get the proverbial poops with me not driving and having to drive ONE STREET away to pick my son up and take him to school with HERsame aged daughter (she was going there anyway) on WET DAYS ONLY. I had two toddlers when Cameron started school, Brianna being severely ill with asthma as a newborn (almost died twice in 7 months) ..... she got fed up after TWO WEEKS (one day a week) and dragged me off to the RTA to get my Learners Permit. (I already had a motor bike licence btw) .. in the 6 months I had to have the Learners, she took me for ONE lesson and that lasted 20 minutes. Yet she claims she 'got me my licence' ......and I am expected, at each meeting, to thank her for all she did for me. I'm over it personally. But I still feel I have to say Thankyou !!! LOL .. just whip me ......
Last year, when MIL was in her town visiting her brother and it all went pear shaped and horrid (MIL tantrums, hitting .. screaming .. you get the picture) and MIL's brother and his wife were going to put her on a train to Sydney to get rid of her (that's 6 hours drive south from here) and I got a phone call saying "tough, pick her up" I rang the ex-sister-in-law and said .. much to my chagrin .. "HELP" .. she picked up MIL and kept her for the day then DROVE her to Sydney where BIL picked her up.
To this day, I hear how she "saved the day" and didn't find MIL "much of a problem' and how she 'would like to help, but is too far away' and when I offer to drive MIL down to stay a week finds numerous excuses NOT to have her .
I call it THE MATYR SYNDROME .......... it makes 'em look good, but in fact, they doing jack S*** in actually being functional. And just for good measure, there is a medical psychological term for this syndrome, so I wasn't far off the track.
It absolves their conscious that they have actually DONE something, perhaps not as productive as necessary or as liked, but they DID do something and you CANNOT dispute it ....... salve to their soul basically.
We .. being the people we are, KNOW we could probably do MORE than what we ARE doing. It's our little guilt thing. Lord knows, I'm covered in it at the moment with our impending 'run away' break .. what if the hospital wants to send him home? What if he dies while we're away? What if MIL burns the house down? ........... it's hard having a conscious ....... it really is.
And that's where we differ from the martyrs .. we HAVE a very loud conscious .. it speaks clearly and we listen. Perhaps we listen too well sometimes, but we listen. We TRULY know right from wrong and we care and love our fellow human being . We're the ones who feel sorry for the stray animal and pick it up and take it to the vet, we're the ones who have a HEART.
And that alone should ease our guilt and our anger at others. Yup, I'm angry .. sure am .. fully admit it. I said to my niece today, "your dad doesn't do enough, it's annoying" and she said "yeah .. but he's always like that Aunty Sal ... what can we do?" .. so that justifies me in the fact I KNOW he's not doing enough because she doesn't even LIVE with him and she see's the same thing ......
Ok .. rambling again .............
Gawd I'm gonna miss you guys while I'm away ............ !!!!!!!!!!! (sob)
Hugs, hugs, hugs
Sally
LuvMyLilDoggie
04-15-2005, 08:51 AM
Very good observations, ladies.
I might add that the givers care less if they get attention where the takers CRAVE IT (ie. the sparkly sweatsuit at the wedding). There's nothing that would take the attention away from what the bride is wearing more than that. I was at a wedding like that where the bride's stepmother wore a "floosy" dress with no back and almost no front. It would have looked nice on a slender 20 something woman. But used to be fat but now flabby and 70ish, no. :nono:
Takers tend to stir up controversy. I think it's that they're bored with their lives. They really don't like their lives at all. Or maybe it's to divert attention away from something sinister they're doing? Ever notice that everyone outside of the taker's family LOVES the taker? In my sister's case, she is seen by her friends as someone who gives her time and money to friends in need. What a sweetheart she is! But they don't know that she just filed bankruptcy a few months ago and has sucked my dad bone dry of everything he has. He still has the house but 20 something thousand dollars of credit card and loan debt. But to everyone else, she's a wonderful person and I'm the one who's the taker. That's because she fills them with lies. So what if they think that. My sister and I know the truth and one day, she'll have to own up to what she's done.
We'll miss you too, Sally. Have a great time although you're probably gone already.
My parents were givers too. Before I was born, my mother's friend dropped off her son so she could go out for a while. She left him for 7 months. That baby learned to walk and talk with my parents. Then she came and took him back. My dad and his first wife adopted two of their friends' children. And when I was about 12 I remember my cousin's house burned down. She had 7 children. She and her oldest child went to stay in a shelter. The rest came to our house. My dad came home from work. Mom met him on our front porch and said "You know we had two kids when you went to work?" He said "Yes". "Well now we have 8." Can you imagine the shock? lol But dad said ok. It was always known in our household that if we have enough and someone else needs some, give it. Mom used to say "You never know. You might be in their shoes one day needing them to help you," But mom always tended to think the best of people. I guess I do too.
Love, Barb
I might add that the givers care less if they get attention where the takers CRAVE IT (ie. the sparkly sweatsuit at the wedding). There's nothing that would take the attention away from what the bride is wearing more than that. I was at a wedding like that where the bride's stepmother wore a "floosy" dress with no back and almost no front. It would have looked nice on a slender 20 something woman. But used to be fat but now flabby and 70ish, no. :nono:
Takers tend to stir up controversy. I think it's that they're bored with their lives. They really don't like their lives at all. Or maybe it's to divert attention away from something sinister they're doing? Ever notice that everyone outside of the taker's family LOVES the taker? In my sister's case, she is seen by her friends as someone who gives her time and money to friends in need. What a sweetheart she is! But they don't know that she just filed bankruptcy a few months ago and has sucked my dad bone dry of everything he has. He still has the house but 20 something thousand dollars of credit card and loan debt. But to everyone else, she's a wonderful person and I'm the one who's the taker. That's because she fills them with lies. So what if they think that. My sister and I know the truth and one day, she'll have to own up to what she's done.
We'll miss you too, Sally. Have a great time although you're probably gone already.
My parents were givers too. Before I was born, my mother's friend dropped off her son so she could go out for a while. She left him for 7 months. That baby learned to walk and talk with my parents. Then she came and took him back. My dad and his first wife adopted two of their friends' children. And when I was about 12 I remember my cousin's house burned down. She had 7 children. She and her oldest child went to stay in a shelter. The rest came to our house. My dad came home from work. Mom met him on our front porch and said "You know we had two kids when you went to work?" He said "Yes". "Well now we have 8." Can you imagine the shock? lol But dad said ok. It was always known in our household that if we have enough and someone else needs some, give it. Mom used to say "You never know. You might be in their shoes one day needing them to help you," But mom always tended to think the best of people. I guess I do too.
Love, Barb
angel_bear
04-15-2005, 09:11 AM
Nope, haven't gone yet .. it's 10pm .. I've got 13 hours ...............
Ahh the mind boggles at what I can do in 13 hours ..... sleep being a major part of it..
When we lived 'down the road' in our own rented house .. we often had homeless or needy people. When my niece ran away from her home (BIL's 2nd eldest) I managed to get her to move in with us .. I KNEW it would be short term, I KNEW I would get her home (although they shuffled her off to another town 6 hours away) and I did ... but she was safe, and she was loved and she knew it .. she still knows it to this day. At any given time, any one of my nieces would turn up on my doorstep, in tears, asking to stay the night. Never .. ever was it a problem. Not once. I could always make food stretch a little more ...
A friend of a friend said a friend was homeless. He lived with us for 3 months. Ok . he used and abused us .. but a roof and food he had. Another internet friend and her autistic son .. moved town from a brutal husband ... stayed with us for 4 months .. not a problem ..........
I've always had an open door policy ....... good heavens .. what else .. the nieces met a lad, Christopher .. down and out, homeless, unemployed, beaten ... a homeless dog had better self esteem .. I counselled him, I worked with him, he had community service, he GOT A JOB .. he blew it eventually and ended up in jail .. and that's been my ONLY ONE I've 'failed with' but it wasn't me failing, Chris WANTED to be bad .. I can't save the bad ones if their intent is so strong .......
I've always cared.
Even when I ran away from home and was a homeless waif, sitting on the street wondering where my next shower was coming from (I was working fortunately, just had to find a bed for a while) .. and my bestest friend took me in ..... (we've known each other since we were 12 .. we're now 44 .. well, she's 44 today .. I'm 44 in June LOL) .. I got given a break, and I've felt I've had to give every underdog that same break. If they don't then what?
I'm not a show off .. I don't expect rewards, I DO EXPECT THANKS occassionally .. I WILL NOT take, I will always give .. if I can help, it would be my last $ or the shirt off my back (I have a good wardrobe ..LOL) ...... but help I will.
*Instead of selling our unwanted stuff at a garage sale, I give it to a charity shop.
*Instead of using 2 for 1 vouchers, I just buy it at normal price.
*I will use mince meat and sausages as our staple diet, instead of going to the charity's and asking for a food voucher.
*I will use pasta to extend our food to make left-overs
*I will use mince and pasta to make LOTS of lasagne and give it to our less fortunate friends
and do I expect anything? Nope. Do I want these people to say, forever and a day "wow .. wow... what a gal?"
Nope
I just want people to be happy. I want people to be at peace. If I can help in some small way, then GOOD .. I've done something worthwhile.
The occassional thankyou is sufficient.
counting down the hours ............LOL
Selfishly (LOL LOL LOL)
Hugs
Sally
Ahh the mind boggles at what I can do in 13 hours ..... sleep being a major part of it..
When we lived 'down the road' in our own rented house .. we often had homeless or needy people. When my niece ran away from her home (BIL's 2nd eldest) I managed to get her to move in with us .. I KNEW it would be short term, I KNEW I would get her home (although they shuffled her off to another town 6 hours away) and I did ... but she was safe, and she was loved and she knew it .. she still knows it to this day. At any given time, any one of my nieces would turn up on my doorstep, in tears, asking to stay the night. Never .. ever was it a problem. Not once. I could always make food stretch a little more ...
A friend of a friend said a friend was homeless. He lived with us for 3 months. Ok . he used and abused us .. but a roof and food he had. Another internet friend and her autistic son .. moved town from a brutal husband ... stayed with us for 4 months .. not a problem ..........
I've always had an open door policy ....... good heavens .. what else .. the nieces met a lad, Christopher .. down and out, homeless, unemployed, beaten ... a homeless dog had better self esteem .. I counselled him, I worked with him, he had community service, he GOT A JOB .. he blew it eventually and ended up in jail .. and that's been my ONLY ONE I've 'failed with' but it wasn't me failing, Chris WANTED to be bad .. I can't save the bad ones if their intent is so strong .......
I've always cared.
Even when I ran away from home and was a homeless waif, sitting on the street wondering where my next shower was coming from (I was working fortunately, just had to find a bed for a while) .. and my bestest friend took me in ..... (we've known each other since we were 12 .. we're now 44 .. well, she's 44 today .. I'm 44 in June LOL) .. I got given a break, and I've felt I've had to give every underdog that same break. If they don't then what?
I'm not a show off .. I don't expect rewards, I DO EXPECT THANKS occassionally .. I WILL NOT take, I will always give .. if I can help, it would be my last $ or the shirt off my back (I have a good wardrobe ..LOL) ...... but help I will.
*Instead of selling our unwanted stuff at a garage sale, I give it to a charity shop.
*Instead of using 2 for 1 vouchers, I just buy it at normal price.
*I will use mince meat and sausages as our staple diet, instead of going to the charity's and asking for a food voucher.
*I will use pasta to extend our food to make left-overs
*I will use mince and pasta to make LOTS of lasagne and give it to our less fortunate friends
and do I expect anything? Nope. Do I want these people to say, forever and a day "wow .. wow... what a gal?"
Nope
I just want people to be happy. I want people to be at peace. If I can help in some small way, then GOOD .. I've done something worthwhile.
The occassional thankyou is sufficient.
counting down the hours ............LOL
Selfishly (LOL LOL LOL)
Hugs
Sally
BarbaraH
04-15-2005, 12:28 PM
Hi Sally,
We've had several folks who lived at our home over the years, too. Friends and acquaintances all knew they were welcome for a meal or for the night - and one stranger who was a wandering jewelery maker camped in our yard for a few nights to have some warm food and a couple of showers. We still hear from her occasionally.
As I was told when a child, it takes all kinds of people to make a world, but the world would be a much better place if everyone was welcoming of everyone else.
Since being in VA with all there has been to deal with and this eternal *#!@#*&! house remodel, we've fed many stray dogs and cats, have adopted one of the forlorn stray dogs then had him as a beloved pet until he died, and adopted a terrified half-grown kitten who is still with us - as are 2 of her 3 kittens. All of the adoptees have had vet care and been "fixed" at our expense. Maybe when the remodel is over, we'll get back to caring for people!!
I think givers have bigger hearts!!
Have a wonderful, restful, and serene visit among the gum trees, the 'roos, and koalas!!
Blessings - Barbara :)
We've had several folks who lived at our home over the years, too. Friends and acquaintances all knew they were welcome for a meal or for the night - and one stranger who was a wandering jewelery maker camped in our yard for a few nights to have some warm food and a couple of showers. We still hear from her occasionally.
As I was told when a child, it takes all kinds of people to make a world, but the world would be a much better place if everyone was welcoming of everyone else.
Since being in VA with all there has been to deal with and this eternal *#!@#*&! house remodel, we've fed many stray dogs and cats, have adopted one of the forlorn stray dogs then had him as a beloved pet until he died, and adopted a terrified half-grown kitten who is still with us - as are 2 of her 3 kittens. All of the adoptees have had vet care and been "fixed" at our expense. Maybe when the remodel is over, we'll get back to caring for people!!
I think givers have bigger hearts!!
Have a wonderful, restful, and serene visit among the gum trees, the 'roos, and koalas!!
Blessings - Barbara :)
Martha H
04-15-2005, 04:27 PM
Girls, you all made my day.
I got home and found Esther had followed my instructions and SOMEHOW got Mom to agree to a bath, sitting on her bath stool. She said Mom loved it and sat for a long time with her feet in the hot water and showering her body with the "telephone showerhead." I got in to find her putting cocoa butter cream on Mom's legs, massaging them. Esther is a wonder.
But your mail about caregivers made my day. I feel I am in good company, as I already sensed.
My daugher had a school friend from age 11 to High School graduation. This poor kid was being sexually abused by her stepfather - possibly with the knowlege and consent of her mother, whom I knew; she was weird. We didn't know it, but knew there was something wrong. This girl slept at our house way more often than at her own. Later she had to get psychiatric care and finally told my daughter what had happened. I thought it was OK for her to stay with Jenny if she wanted to. There was enough room and plenty of food.
I was a stay at home Mom ouside of private tutoring and some translation work ..so the neighborhood kids 'hung out' at our house. We had the snacks and cookies, we had a big back yard and the woods behind it, we had a Mother in the house. I enjoyed it and never regretted it because I knew where my kids were! My husband was usually away, when he was home we had to tiptoe around because he would be sleeping off jet lag ..no friends on those days.
All I know is that I get a 'high' out of helping someone, better than the one I get if I receive a gift. BUT, a thank you is always appreciated. YES, my sister is greatly loved and admired in her circle of friends ... they all think she is wonderful. She exaggerates the tales of her hard time with A, her 'autistic' one, now a highly paid bank employee. She shows off as the person who supported us when we were growing up poor, ..in reality we ALL had part time jobs and helped pay the rent. She made the mistake of telling my brother that she single handedly paid the rent ..he set her straight! She had 'forgotten'. She does little and reaps great praise and talks endlessly about how much she does. We do less and keep quieter, but here, on this Board, finally I DO talk about and complain about and rant and rave about things that go wrong ..and try to absolve myself from the guilt that comes from not being emotionally able to deal with a lot of this ...
Thanks to ALL of you, old and new, all who are in this situation or have been .. we are a special breed.
(We had dogs, my favorite was a black labrador; cats, a rabbit, birds, and turtles ..but here there is a 'no pets' rule and in my new apartment also.)
Love,
Martha
I got home and found Esther had followed my instructions and SOMEHOW got Mom to agree to a bath, sitting on her bath stool. She said Mom loved it and sat for a long time with her feet in the hot water and showering her body with the "telephone showerhead." I got in to find her putting cocoa butter cream on Mom's legs, massaging them. Esther is a wonder.
But your mail about caregivers made my day. I feel I am in good company, as I already sensed.
My daugher had a school friend from age 11 to High School graduation. This poor kid was being sexually abused by her stepfather - possibly with the knowlege and consent of her mother, whom I knew; she was weird. We didn't know it, but knew there was something wrong. This girl slept at our house way more often than at her own. Later she had to get psychiatric care and finally told my daughter what had happened. I thought it was OK for her to stay with Jenny if she wanted to. There was enough room and plenty of food.
I was a stay at home Mom ouside of private tutoring and some translation work ..so the neighborhood kids 'hung out' at our house. We had the snacks and cookies, we had a big back yard and the woods behind it, we had a Mother in the house. I enjoyed it and never regretted it because I knew where my kids were! My husband was usually away, when he was home we had to tiptoe around because he would be sleeping off jet lag ..no friends on those days.
All I know is that I get a 'high' out of helping someone, better than the one I get if I receive a gift. BUT, a thank you is always appreciated. YES, my sister is greatly loved and admired in her circle of friends ... they all think she is wonderful. She exaggerates the tales of her hard time with A, her 'autistic' one, now a highly paid bank employee. She shows off as the person who supported us when we were growing up poor, ..in reality we ALL had part time jobs and helped pay the rent. She made the mistake of telling my brother that she single handedly paid the rent ..he set her straight! She had 'forgotten'. She does little and reaps great praise and talks endlessly about how much she does. We do less and keep quieter, but here, on this Board, finally I DO talk about and complain about and rant and rave about things that go wrong ..and try to absolve myself from the guilt that comes from not being emotionally able to deal with a lot of this ...
Thanks to ALL of you, old and new, all who are in this situation or have been .. we are a special breed.
(We had dogs, my favorite was a black labrador; cats, a rabbit, birds, and turtles ..but here there is a 'no pets' rule and in my new apartment also.)
Love,
Martha
LuvMyLilDoggie
04-15-2005, 09:52 PM
My sister still to this day says that I did NOTHING when my mom died. I was the one who called all the family. I was the one who listened to their crying while trying to keep my composure. I was the one to scrub down the house. I was the one to make arrangements for food and shelter for everyone. I was the one who paid for the food except for $80 my mom's sister gave me. For God's sake, my older sister and I even did my mom's hair and makeup! (side note: never put lipstick that changes color with moods on a dead person. It doesn't work lol). My sister went to the funeral home with dad and made those arrangements without even telling me she was going. I had no say in anything. And she still says I did nothing.
That's the past. Nothing I can do about it. I can't change her. She'll always be the same ole' witch she's been since birth. LOL
So I guess I'll just roll with the flow.....
Love, Barb
That's the past. Nothing I can do about it. I can't change her. She'll always be the same ole' witch she's been since birth. LOL
So I guess I'll just roll with the flow.....
Love, Barb
BarbaraH
04-15-2005, 11:54 PM
Hi all -
Taxes over for another year! I never thought of this before, but definitely the people who thought up taxes were takers!!!!!!! ;)
My angel mother-in-law's family has one of those takers. She's someone who you just have to wonder what made her so twisted. Surely she did't grow up in the same family that nurtured my AMIL and her other sisters!!! Go figure.
One little note that might be good information for you whose mothers are elderly. Amazingly, I thought to save a tube of Mom's favorite lipstick and her powder blush to give to the funeral home folks. Mom really looked natural for the visitation and service and I heard several people comment on that. Tuck away a lipstick now before it ends up in a forgotten purse with it's lid long gone!
Sleep well, you dear caregivers. Sweet dreams!
Hugs - Barbara :)
Taxes over for another year! I never thought of this before, but definitely the people who thought up taxes were takers!!!!!!! ;)
My angel mother-in-law's family has one of those takers. She's someone who you just have to wonder what made her so twisted. Surely she did't grow up in the same family that nurtured my AMIL and her other sisters!!! Go figure.
One little note that might be good information for you whose mothers are elderly. Amazingly, I thought to save a tube of Mom's favorite lipstick and her powder blush to give to the funeral home folks. Mom really looked natural for the visitation and service and I heard several people comment on that. Tuck away a lipstick now before it ends up in a forgotten purse with it's lid long gone!
Sleep well, you dear caregivers. Sweet dreams!
Hugs - Barbara :)
Martha H
04-16-2005, 11:14 AM
Oh OH, trouble again. :eek:
Mom is angry at me. I told her I had to go out for a little while to go to the bank. She said 'well get some money for me, I feel like a poor soul every day without even a dollar in my purse!'
I said, 'Mom, I put at least $12 in your purse every mornng, plus $2 in coins for bus fare. What do you mean 'not a dollar'?
She said 'LOOK IN IT.'
I did, together with her, and counted $13 plus change, after she spent some yesterday at the center and also bought some bananas ..so she had enough.
I said I will put more in it if you wish, but I am afraid it could get 'stolen.' I never keep much cash on me either.
'I don't like feelnig like a poor slob. You never give me enough money.. Get money from my bank, I need it.'
I came back and put a few dollars more into her purse. But she is still angry. My daughter called, and while talking to her Mom said "I hate it. Why do I haveto leave my home after 40 years? Why can't I stay here?"
After talking to Jenny myself, I asked if Mom had told her about Bill's new house. 'No, not yet' she said looking very confused. Bill only told her he was looking for one, not that he had bought one. I then said you may all be going to a new house together! You will have your own room, it wil be great!
No luck. She looks angry still.
Now I am pretty sure that besides telling Elsie I keep her imprisoned here, she has also told Elsie I keep her poor, without even a dollar in her bag to spend. It is so unfair, since I use my money for everything we eat and other house supplies, and even the few dollars she gets every day are from my bank account, not hers. Her money is largely intact because we all know she may need a nursing home later, as little as anyone but me wants to admit it.
Mom really hates living with me, is annoyed at me a lot of the time, and makes me feel even worse about this job that I need to ..
And yes I am counting the days ..but feeling sad these last few weeks can't be stress free ..
Love,
Martha
Mom is angry at me. I told her I had to go out for a little while to go to the bank. She said 'well get some money for me, I feel like a poor soul every day without even a dollar in my purse!'
I said, 'Mom, I put at least $12 in your purse every mornng, plus $2 in coins for bus fare. What do you mean 'not a dollar'?
She said 'LOOK IN IT.'
I did, together with her, and counted $13 plus change, after she spent some yesterday at the center and also bought some bananas ..so she had enough.
I said I will put more in it if you wish, but I am afraid it could get 'stolen.' I never keep much cash on me either.
'I don't like feelnig like a poor slob. You never give me enough money.. Get money from my bank, I need it.'
I came back and put a few dollars more into her purse. But she is still angry. My daughter called, and while talking to her Mom said "I hate it. Why do I haveto leave my home after 40 years? Why can't I stay here?"
After talking to Jenny myself, I asked if Mom had told her about Bill's new house. 'No, not yet' she said looking very confused. Bill only told her he was looking for one, not that he had bought one. I then said you may all be going to a new house together! You will have your own room, it wil be great!
No luck. She looks angry still.
Now I am pretty sure that besides telling Elsie I keep her imprisoned here, she has also told Elsie I keep her poor, without even a dollar in her bag to spend. It is so unfair, since I use my money for everything we eat and other house supplies, and even the few dollars she gets every day are from my bank account, not hers. Her money is largely intact because we all know she may need a nursing home later, as little as anyone but me wants to admit it.
Mom really hates living with me, is annoyed at me a lot of the time, and makes me feel even worse about this job that I need to ..
And yes I am counting the days ..but feeling sad these last few weeks can't be stress free ..
Love,
Martha
LuvMyLilDoggie
04-16-2005, 05:57 PM
Martha, I'm afraid that you may be seeing more of this behavior before you go. Your mom is very confused. And with Bill telling her about the new house, it may have made her more confused. I know it's really hard but try not to take it personally. She's probably very scared too. Even though you and Bill have explained to her what is going to happen, she doesn't understand it.
And Martha, whether you believe it or not, she's going to miss you for as long as she can understand that you've gone.
I wonder if she's thinks she won't have enough money when you leave. Maybe she's afraid that she'll have to pay the bills and buy everything. One never really knows what goes on inside the dementia mind. But it sounds to me that she's afraid of what's going to happen to her when you go. She probably wants to have more money "just in case". Try giving her all singles so it looks like she has more money than she does. Maybe that will satisfy her.
Just remember that with all that's going on with your mom and the move, she loves you. And in an odd way, this may be the only way she knows how to express her feelings about you leaving. If I told my dad I was moving, he'd rpobably say "Good. GO!" lol
But if you haven't tried giving her singles yet, try it. It might work.
Love, Barb
And Martha, whether you believe it or not, she's going to miss you for as long as she can understand that you've gone.
I wonder if she's thinks she won't have enough money when you leave. Maybe she's afraid that she'll have to pay the bills and buy everything. One never really knows what goes on inside the dementia mind. But it sounds to me that she's afraid of what's going to happen to her when you go. She probably wants to have more money "just in case". Try giving her all singles so it looks like she has more money than she does. Maybe that will satisfy her.
Just remember that with all that's going on with your mom and the move, she loves you. And in an odd way, this may be the only way she knows how to express her feelings about you leaving. If I told my dad I was moving, he'd rpobably say "Good. GO!" lol
But if you haven't tried giving her singles yet, try it. It might work.
Love, Barb
Martha H
04-16-2005, 06:31 PM
Thanks Barb .. I've been doing that for awhile already, after her first Aide, Candy, told me she gave the Center $20.25 for her $1.25 lunch and never noticed.
Thanks for your explanation, it is excellent. Of couse, Why didn't I think of that. She might want to start stashing some money away for the unknown future. POOR THING! I have much more sympathy now just thinking it may be fear of the unknown.
I asked Bill to call her to cheer her up, and he mentioned that they will live only a few blocks from his son and daughter in law, and they have an outdoor pool! Small, but you can cool off in summer, and swim a little. Mom loves to swim, so that's a big feature .
Of course, if she were in her right mind,it would already be a major adjustment to go off to the new house and give up her old familiar neighborhood. She has lived in Astoria - in a previous apartment from 1956 to 1975, this one from 1975 until now, 30 years - altogether nearly 50 years. She knows the neighborhood, the people, the sights and sounds, the stores, etc.
What a much more difficult move it will be with dementia ..not fully understanding the why of it all, how come I can't stay here as I always have?
Thanks for the insight! now I can deal with it better. It's not that she hates me ..
Love,
Martha
Thanks for your explanation, it is excellent. Of couse, Why didn't I think of that. She might want to start stashing some money away for the unknown future. POOR THING! I have much more sympathy now just thinking it may be fear of the unknown.
I asked Bill to call her to cheer her up, and he mentioned that they will live only a few blocks from his son and daughter in law, and they have an outdoor pool! Small, but you can cool off in summer, and swim a little. Mom loves to swim, so that's a big feature .
Of course, if she were in her right mind,it would already be a major adjustment to go off to the new house and give up her old familiar neighborhood. She has lived in Astoria - in a previous apartment from 1956 to 1975, this one from 1975 until now, 30 years - altogether nearly 50 years. She knows the neighborhood, the people, the sights and sounds, the stores, etc.
What a much more difficult move it will be with dementia ..not fully understanding the why of it all, how come I can't stay here as I always have?
Thanks for the insight! now I can deal with it better. It's not that she hates me ..
Love,
Martha
LuvMyLilDoggie
04-17-2005, 01:08 AM
I just had an idea. What if you give her some singles in a sealed envelope marked "Mom's Money" or something like that and show her you're putting it in a safe place that she can get at anytime she needs to? She might feel a little more at ease with the money thing. I know my dad feels a bit more in control of his life when he has a little cash. It's amazing.
Love, Barb
Love, Barb
Martha H
04-17-2005, 04:57 AM
That may work, I'll try it. Thanks!!
NOTHING yet from E, Bill wrote regular mail telling them he really NEEDS the money right away . No answr. He pays the Agency, and later she sends 2/5 of the amount. He is now going into closing for the house, and needs every penny he can round up, and she isn't answering. This is really odd.
Get well !
Love,
Martha
NOTHING yet from E, Bill wrote regular mail telling them he really NEEDS the money right away . No answr. He pays the Agency, and later she sends 2/5 of the amount. He is now going into closing for the house, and needs every penny he can round up, and she isn't answering. This is really odd.
Get well !
Love,
Martha