Morning...... I am feeling a little anxious this morning. I have to call my case worker to check in with her. I have to call every Tuesday and Thursday. I tested positive last thursday, I'm not sure how I tested this past Tuesday. I guess I will find out this morning.
I read my "keep it Sipmple" passage today and it talked about loving yourself. Thats one thing I dont do, and because of that I cant understand why others love me. Its tough.
Some one posted here about getting rid of the Alcohol and Drugs but more inportantley getting rid of the "ism" in Alcoholism. I totally understand that but how do you go about that if there was something in your life that happened to you that you dont conciousley (sp Ugh) remember. Sure, there are other things that I need to address, that I am totally aware of and need fixining. But what about the things you dont "remember"?

Rambeling.. Got to get to work.

Marilyn

Good morning Marilyn,

I wouldn't worry about the drug test, if it is positive it will be less than the previous test and they will be OK with that.

I also have trouble with the loving yourself. I have received 2 pieces of advice on this. The second helped me better than the first but I will pass along both. Unfortunately I remember everything I did, so can't help there.

1) God has forgiven you and he/she knows everything you did. Why can't you forgive yourself.

2) It was your addiction that did the things we have trouble forgiving. You would have never done them if not under the influence. Very true in my case, so that helped me.

Others may have better. Good luck today!!

G8G

HOpe it's okay to add some thoughts. I have been drug free for 11 months now, when I was young I had suffered some abuses at the hands of someone I knew and it was probably 6-8 yrs before I remembered and it was honestly God that revealed it to me. There are pastors (with counselling qualifications) in your area who can pray with you and help you "go backwards" and try to remember. The brain buries memories that it determines too painful or stressful so you may want to seek help in remebering. I will be praying for you, have a great day!

Good morning Marilyn,

I wouldn't worry about the drug test, if it is positive it will be less than the previous test and they will be OK with that.

I also have trouble with the loving yourself. I have received 2 pieces of advice on this. The second helped me better than the first but I will pass along both. Unfortunately I remember everything I did, so can't help there.

1) God has forgiven you and he/she knows everything you did. Why can't you forgive yourself.

2) It was your addiction that did the things we have trouble forgiving. You would have never done them if not under the influence. Very true in my case, so that helped me.

Others may have better. Good luck today!!

G8G

G8G,
Morning. Thanks for the support. When I say I cant remember something about my past, I mean that I cant remember something that happend to me. Not something I did while using. Although I am sure theres tons of stuff "out there". Thanks for the advise. Both pieces help alittle.
If I have to drop today, I know that the level of meds will be lower and they will know that I am not useing. I just want all of that crap out of my body. I guess when If when I call this morning and check in and they dont ask me to came in, I'm looking at that as some kind of reward that I am on the right tract, doing the next right thing. Confirmation I guess is a better word.

My next court date is May 5th. A week from today. My attny told me that I didnt need to go, that he would represent me. I will just be formally charged on that date not sentenced. I keep going back and forth, I want to go, then I dont want to go.
How are you holding up? Day 14 for you? How's the job search going? Something will turn up for you. Keep your chin up. Let me know how you are doing.

Marilyn

P.S. You asked how not having a DL is affecting me. I will post to you tonight. It quite complicated and very weird. I think I posted that there was more to my story. Will let you know later ok?

How are you holding up? Day 14 for you? How's the job search going? Something will turn up for you. Keep your chin up. Let me know how you are doing.

I am going to try something new here, let someone know how I am feeling.

After I told my brothers of the suicide attempt they suggested I go see a therapist. I can't afford one but the county does supply free ones. She is a graduate student. It has been helpful but the point we disagree on is she says I have to let people know I am hurting.

I disagreed with her for 2 reasons. The first is I once heard a saying "Don't tell people your problems because 90% don't care and the other 10% are glad you have them.

The second is years ago I read Dale Carnegie's book "How to win friends and influence people" One of the things I remember is him writing "No matter how bad it gets stay upbeat. No one likes 'woe is me type people'. I agree with that statement.

But since this board is soooo supportive and annonymous I will give it a try.

I am scared, very very scared. I come from a large family and we all live realtively close (50-100) miles from each other. We get together often (Friday forDad's dad's b-day). I have been an addict for 20+ years and fighting it for 10. They are very, very supportive but wary, I have heard mumblings of cut him loose. Most do not understand addiction but a couple do. My oldest brother, a terrific man, gets it the best and is non-judgemental. His outlook is "There but for the grace of God, go I." He has offered to buy my house and rent it back to me or turn around and sell it to keep me from going to foreclosure.

After the attempt in January, I reflected that I have not been a benefit to society and decided to change that. My mother and I have had a stormy relationship. When I was young (10) I was abused by my uncle a priest (her brother). I told her about it and she said "It didn't happen, don't mention it again." A few months later I did something that pissed her off at an outing and (I believe) she punished me by sending me alone with my uncle to his place to pick something up. He abused me again. I don't know if there is good and bad abuse but he just kissed me hard forcing his tongue in my mouth and rubbing his erection against me. we never got naked and he never touched me "down there". This is only the second time I have talked of this. I told my oldest sister (my Godmother). She has counseling experience and helped me a ton. My mother has never apologized. I am sure I have done things to piss/disppoint her also.

Anyway, I decided to forgive and rebuild my relationship with my mom and be a total helping hand to anyone who needs it. I have been very true to that promise. It has ease some of the wariness and it really feels good to be considered an asset and not an embarrassment.

But I am scared about the employment thing, scared of my addiction. I feel this really my last chance with my family. Scared that even if I stay clean, but don't get employed one of them will have to take me in and/or support me. The shame and crush to my self-esteem that would happen makes me visibly shake when I think about it.

So I am trying very hard to get employed and trying to be a help whenever I can and continuing to be upbeat on the outside. I am crying my eyes out right now, I need to take a break.

I don't know if this is coherent or not but thanks for listening.

That's a pretty horrible memory. I am in no position to advise you, but please know that I do care. I sense from your posts, you are headed in the right direction, keep reading The Purpose Driven Life, I plan to read it and we can compare notes..deal?...JT

I am going to try something new here, let someone know how I am feeling.

After I told my brothers of the suicide attempt they suggested I go see a therapist. I can't afford one but the county does supply free ones. She is a graduate student. It has been helpful but the point we disagree on is she says I have to let people know I am hurting.

I disagreed with her for 2 reasons. The first is I once heard a saying "Don't tell people your problems because 90% don't care and the other 10% are glad you have them.

The second is years ago I read Dale Carnegie's book "How to win friends and influence people" One of the things I remember is him writing "No matter how bad it gets stay upbeat. No one likes 'woe is me type people'. I agree with that statement.

But since this board is soooo supportive and annonymous I will give it a try.

I am scared, very very scared. I come from a large family and we all live realtively close (50-100) miles from each other. We get together often (Friday forDad's dad's b-day). I have been an addict for 20+ years and fighting it for 10. They are very, very supportive but wary, I have heard mumblings of cut him loose. Most do not understand addiction but a couple do. My oldest brother, a terrific man, gets it the best and is non-judgemental. His outlook is "There but for the grace of God, go I." He has offered to buy my house and rent it back to me or turn around and sell it to keep me from going to foreclosure.

After the attempt in January, I reflected that I have not been a benefit to society and decided to change that. My mother and I have had a stormy relationship. When I was young (10) I was abused by my uncle a priest (her brother). I told her about it and she said "It didn't happen, don't mention it again." A few months later I did something that pissed her off at an outing and (I believe) she punished me by sending me alone with my uncle to his place to pick something up. He abused me again. I don't know if there is good and bad abuse but he just kissed me hard forcing his tongue in my mouth and rubbing his erection against me. we never got naked and he never touched me "down there". This is only the second time I have talked of this. I told my oldest sister (my Godmother). She has counseling experience and helped me a ton. My mother has never apologized. I am sure I have done things to piss/disppoint her also.

Anyway, I decided to forgive and rebuild my relationship with my mom and be a total helping hand to anyone who needs it. I have been very true to that promise. It has ease some of the wariness and it really feels good to be considered an asset and not an embarrassment.

But I am scared about the employment thing, scared of my addiction. I feel this really my last chance with my family. Scared that even if I stay clean, but don't get employed one of them will have to take me in and/or support me. The shame and crush to my self-esteem that would happen makes me visibly shake when I think about it.

So I am trying very hard to get employed and trying to be a help whenever I can and continuing to be upbeat on the outside. I am crying my eyes out right now, I need to take a break.

I don't know if this is coherent or not but thanks for listening.

Fish,
Thanks for sharing a very personal part of you life with me. Although you dont know me, it still must have been very difficult to see what you wrote "in writing...". I am not going to analyze your uncle and mothers decisions. It doesnt matter. What matters is that it HURT YOU.
Its ok to be scared. Quite a normal reaction actully. I'd rather hear that your scared than high as a kite and feeling no emotions. Thats one of the reasons we pick up isnt it? To drown out those feelings. Me, as an adict, I want to control EVERYTHING. Right now, you dont have control of your family or anyone else for that matter. What you do have control over is yourself.
Same for me, right now, I have control only over myself. At the moment I am facing a large finacial bill, jail time, rehab, community service, probation officer and more. I am scared too. But you know what? Today my friend, were clean and are dealing with stuff we should have delt with a long time ago.
I'm continuing to pray for you.

Marilyn <-------------I'm right where I need to be.

P.S. Takd time for yourself. Cry when and if you want to.

The Purpose Driven Life, I plan to read it and we can compare notes..deal?...JT

Two times around the sub-division and I feel a little better.

Deal! I am going to keep reading day-by-day but am saving my thoughts and notes from each chapter. There are questions at the end of each chapter to help with the reflection. The chapters so far have bee short 2 was 4 pages and 3 was 8. So it would not be an effort to re-read them for our discussion.

Marilyn, Thanks for your support and sorry for hijacking your thread. :o

Marilyn,

I read in another thread about hijacking threads is a pet peeve of yours.

Now I am the one who is nervous.

Sorry, Can I make it up to you?

How did your day go? Well, I hope.

Gr8,
First abd foremost, I dont mind when a post is hijacked with good reason. You saw and felt the opportunity to talk about some junk. I did ask you how you were doing.
The other hijack was (self admittedly) by the poster on another thread off topic.
LIke my paragraphs this moring? I made them ESPECIALLY for you!!
:D

Marilynl

Good morning Marilyn,

You make me laugh.

Note to self: don't eat or drink before reading a Marilyn post.

Are you going to fill me in on how yesterday went?

Good morning Marilyn,

You make me laugh.

Note to self: don't eat or drink before reading a Marilyn post.

Are you going to fill me in on how yesterday went?


Aaahhh yesterday..... I passed the UA. The crap is totally out of my system. I did get a BPO liscence yesterday thats good untill June 8th. I got into an argument with my mom (were typically very close). She's a doom and gloom type of person sometimes. She asked me AGAIN what the lawyer said I am facing. I told her AGAIN that the attny told me every possible thing that could happen. The good, the bad and the ugly. I told her that I already explained this to her.

It went down hill from there. She kept saying I sounded funny. Sober? 'Mangine that. When I asked her what she meant she just said "I dont know, I thought you would have more to say". I said I dont know what your expecting to hear except that I'm sorry once again for all the grief I causeg the family. She went on to say that the phone call didnt make her feel better and that I was being selfish and she was sorry she called.

I told her that I have had a lot on my mind and I had to be selfish. I asked her to put herself in my shoes for 1/2 a day. During the conversation she asked me if they send me to rehab will the detox me first because it can be "dangerous". I said, l already went and am still going through wd's but am out of the "danger zone". Like there going to put me in detox when I will have almost 6 weeks clean time. She just doest understand.

She ended the short conversation by saying, "call me when your not so hyper and feeling better, I'm sorry I called". I replied, "i'm sorry you called too". We both hung up the phone. As far as me calling her when I feel "better", that may be a while.

Theres more, I'll try to sneak a post from work.

Talk later,

Marilyn

Yeah for the UA and license.

I have heard that people may have difficulty dealing with understanding you when you are early in recovery. Something about roles and comfort zones.

Anyway, Happy to hear the good news. Have a great day.