Ok need this bad, today our new license plate came in the mail, for our car.
My husband opens the mail, kind of gives him a sense of purpose in his life, even tho he cannot pay bills or write checks anymore.

So I was making breakfast and doing dishes and he kept picking up the license plate, holding it, turning it all around. So even tho I had 50,000 things to do--I know exagerrating--I said to him, do you want to put the license plate on the car--and he was all excited--said yes--we need to do this .

So I told him where the screwdriver was and to go do it. Well sure enough he came in like 5 seconds later holding the license plate and asking me for help. No problem. So I get the screwdriver take him to the back of the car, we take off the old one and I held the screws in place as he used the driver to put the new ones in. I was sooo pleased cuz he remembered once I was there how to do it. Mission accomplished.


So then I go to check my email and write some things and hellloooo he walks in with the license plate. He had taken the darn thing off again. So I say to him, why did you take it off, he says it was not on right. Ok so we do the whole thing over again, and put the darn thing on again.

So then I put the garbage out, did some other chores, and started laundry, the whole time he is sitting in his chair watching TV, so far so good.

I am cleaning the guest room, company due, and he walks in again with the darn license plate, and says to me, we need to put this on---girls this is number 3--so I was still nice walked into the garage--hello he had stripped the threads and lost all the screws for it to go in, I am still nice, I said honey what did you do with the screws, his response--not sure---oh gawd I could do a hundred bad words here. Thankfully I found some screws in the garage that kind of sort of fit, not great.

Well then I felt guilty cuz he started berating himself, said I am soooo stupid cannot believe I did this and so on, I of course tell him--not your fault, it is a disease you have no control over.

So he says I just want to help you, I know you have much to do, so the clothes are pinging in the dryer so I say, honey if you want to help get me some hangars out of your closet. He says ok.

Well he arrived in the laundry room with every frigging hangar he had---with the shirts still on them. Yes girls, my husband brought me every shirt he owned in his closet, to be honest at this point I almost had to laugh.

The sad part, I now realize that I am pretty much on my own as far as doing anything around here. He does everyday ask me if he can help. The sad part when he does help, it means twice as much work for me.

I guess there is nothing I can do about that???

Love, Linda

Dear Linda,

No. So sad, so terrible. There is no way except to get used to doing everything alone and only ask his help for things that will not be too easily messed up. I feel sorry for him ..but not nearly as much as for YOU!..It is so hard to get used to. So lonely!

After my separation from my husband I came to depend on my Mom for company, to have a conversation, to be there for me ..in small ways. She was already physically handicapped (poor vision and heart trouble) but a companion. NOW I am alone, even more so when she is in the house.

Linda, you just got nominated for Sainthood ..I think I would have lost it after the plates came off the second time...

Love,

Martha

Dear Linda,
I just read your post and now I feel bad for the one I just sent. You have the patience of a saint and I know God will reward you. Hang in there. My prayers are with you and all the cargivers on this board and everywhere.

Love,
Carol :wave:

Carol and Martha--I am "not" a saint, thank you both for saying that but I do loose it from time to time. Last week I had Chinese delivered for dinner, when the guy arrived I had"no" money in my wallet. Even tho I had plenty the day before, anyway the poor guy had to call the resturant, do my credit card, and get me to sign, I felt sooo bad cuz I knew he was busy, anyway after he left I asked my husband if he knew where the money was, he pulled a "wad" out of his back pocket of his jeans, to be honest I threw my wallet across the room---immature--yes--but needed to vent--so no not perfect by any means But actually loved it at the time, and my husband now knows not to touch our money in my wallet--life goes on.

Linda

Your story is soooo familiar! I'm also letting my husband help with jobs whenever possible, and he gets excited when he thinks he's being productive. You never know, though, how it's going to turn out (for example, he helped with yard work by putting all the new grass seed under a bag of topsoil and then cutting down a beautiful bush completely that just needed one branch trimmed).

My husband also gets frustrated and calls himself stupid or useless when he realizes that something he's done hasn't turned out right. I also sooth him with stories about all the productive things he's still doing, and tell him that I couldn't keep everything going without his help. I work really, really hard to control my frustration when we have one of these "moments," since I know none of this is his fault (ok to rant & vent here, since people are so understanding). There have been a few times when I've lost it, and said something stupid to him like "what were you thinking?????" before I caught myself....DUH, this is not exactly productive.... I figure that I'm learning how to be a much nicer person through this. It seems to go in waves. First I'll be supportive, then frustrated, then ashamed of myself for being frustrated, then grateful for what I still have, back to being supportive. Fortunately, he doesn't remember my moments of frustration for very long, and I can always make it better by baking something for him. :)

Beginning, that is the "good" part, my husband never remembers that I "totally" lost it, thank goodness, cuz I have. Mayo Clinic told me "hey girl you are human, moments are going to happen" that did make me feel better but I too try to be as supportive as I can--because lets face it--not their fault, I can say for sure that neither one of our husbands would have chose this damn disease, nor would we. But it is what it is, and we have to live with it. Thank goodness for these boards, cuz like you said we can rant here and people understand what we are saying without judging us.

You ARE allowed to get cross with them!! Do not make excuses for yourself .. I agree with Mayo .. you ARE human and you ARE allowed to be frustrated!!!

Lord knows this disgusting disease brings out the worst in the patient and a whole new range of emotions for the family !!

Repeated actions by a toddler would not be tolerated. If Little Jimmy pulled his car apart every day for 5 days and expected you to fix it, would you let him?

Nope ... you would get cross, and you would say to Little Jimmy "CUT IT OUT" and Little Jimmy would think "whoops ..crossed the line" .. .. .. well, that's the theory anyway. Sometimes, especially with AD, you have to get down to their level and treat them like a small child. I HAVE to do it with MIL sometimes (Oh but's it's hard ...... she's a grown up, NOT a little kid, but her brain IS a little kid .. oh it's confusing !!! LOL)

Last week (no, week before) when she hit Tamea. Tamea turned on her and said "DON'T YOU HIT ME NANNA" and MIL looked quite shocked. Alan then got onto her and said "Do YOU like being hit Mum?" .. she went into defensive mode and said "No" and so he said "So STOP hitting other people Mum, stop it NOW" and she said "oh ... ok" ....... and so far ...... she hasn't whacked anybody (yet ... I will never say never !!! LOL) mind you, we haven't been here all that much, we are keeping upstairs as much as possible and we're not giving her many opportunities either!!!

Hang in there, remember you ARE a good person and our loved ones, no matter how they treat us now or behave, DO love us ....

Because if they KNEW how they were behaving, they would be horrified!!!

Hugs

Sally