I need advice..I've recently taken my son out of the care of a "friend" which she is no longer, by the way, because one day I came a bit early to pick him up and she was yelling at him-I mean REALLY yelling, and then slapped his arm hard. I immediately removed my son from her and we've not been back since.

I've noticed since he'd been going to her that his behavior has been a bit "angry." When I tell him no, he goes "GRRRRRRRRRR" and balls his fists. He didn't use to do that and I think he's picked it up from her yelling at him. What I'm wondering is, if I just stay calm with him and be really gentle, etc...can I make this angry behavior go away? I don't want it to become his personality because normally, he's a very affectionate and happy little boy.

Thanks for your input!

--Amy

hi amy, kids go through loads of different behaviour phases so dont worry to much your gonna end up with a little horror http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif
you done the best thing to remove him from your friend and maybe this is the reason for his behaviour, we have to be very careful whom we leave our kids with in this world when hes been like this dont loose your temper by shouting etc talk calm to him and see how he goes after a while. Did you confront your friend? how olds your little boy?? if hes old enough he could tell you about her "ways" good luck to u and ur little boy and take care http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

You should try and talk to him about what went on there. He may be angry because of the way he was treated there. I don't think he's suffered any long term damage, but you should definitly talk to him to see what is bothering him and reasure him that he's not going back there and that he can talk to you about any feelings he may have. Also...even though it sounds like he had a pretty rough time there and his behaviour may be directly linked with his experience there you cannot let him get away with the behaviour. Let him know through whatever forms of decipline that you use that he cannot act that way...the quicker he realizes that the quicker the behaviour will stop.

Does you son undersatnd why he's not going back to your friend? That her behaviour was wrong/ unacceptable, and that you would never allow him to be treated that way by anyone. And, if it ever does, that he should immediately let you know so that you can fix it right away.

When kids don't see wrong behaviour being confronted, they don't know that it's been really done and whether they can trust their parents/care givers to protect them. ["She was your friend - you let her do this to me - why should I trust you anymore?"]

Like that saying about justice: Justice must not only be done, it must be seen to be done.

Scott is 13 months old, so I can't really explain to him about behavior and things yet as he wouldn't understand. I should have clarified his age in my first post, so I apologise for that. Since I've taken him away from Sarah, he's been better...I've been calm with him and I don't scold him as I used to, rather I say no, not to touch or something like that and then take him away from the situation. I've also confronted Sarah about what happened and she and I will not remain friends.

I just hope this won't affect how he behaves later...I don't want someone else's way of dealing with things to mar my son in any way and it angers me that I thought I could trust her and she's ruined that. Anyhow, there it is. Thanks for your replies.

Amy

Sounds as though you're doing the right things - calmly saying "no", etc. At 13 months, he's not likely to be permanently affected or remember everything that happened at your friend's.

Now is about the age that some kiddies start to exert their personalities and become a little more independent. Welcome to the terrible twos.

As a child therapist, I would add that you want to let your child know that feeling angry is okay. You want to acknowledge his feelings when he is angry, even as you teach him to control his actions. When he growls and balls his fists, he's letting you know, to the best of his ability, that he is frustrated, annoyed, angry, upset, etc. You could say something like: I can see that you are very angry, but you cannot hit. Then offer him an acceptable outlet for expressing his feelings.
It is quite understandable that you are anxious and upset about this incident, but I shouldn't worry about long term effects on his personality. Your loving and capable parenting is a much more powerful influence.

-Barb

[This message has been edited by higgsby (edited 06-24-2002).]