it's me again. I'm just checking in i suppose really, as i've had a couple developments i suppose.

I have a doctor's appointment again on friday which he had requested i make, but i also have a few questions i want to get straightened out. On the same day i have a one off counselling appointment, which got moved forward which i am very grateful for. There's some more questions i want to ask there too. I find this place a great help but sometimes i can only do things face to face, where i can check people's real reactions i suppose (there go the trust issues again!).

I think the ADs are helping with my anxiety a bit. Though i also put it down to a course i went on and, less positively, down to the depression making things seem less important and meaningful. But if i can start to handle the stress a little better in terms of work, then maybe i can address my "craziness" in my personal life. They haven't really helped my mood so much though, and i still feel down and all the rest. My sleep has been very poor recently too.

I still havent been able to tell anyone about all this and i'm still struggling if i'm honest. It's strange that i just can't imagine things being anyother way, you know what i mean? I can't imagine life without all the feeling low, insecurities and everything.

But i'm rambling again. Take care everyone. James.

Hi James :wave:
It sounds like you are doing better...some anyway...and no I am not just telling you that (here are my eyes :eek: LOL). It takes time to feel better. In our instant world of all of the world's technology we expect everything to be quick and instantaneous. Unfortunately, depression and changing our learned behavior takes time and effort.

I still see you being too hard on yourself (I do it too). You are so quick to be less judgemental on other people than you are on yourself. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

I have been struggling with medication changes (withdrawing one, adding another). It can all be so frustrating. I get so frustrated with trying to explain the effects on my body and it seems that I am sensitive to certain medications. What really makes me angry is when I have a symptom or side effect that "normal" people do not have and I get called "special" like they don't believe me! :mad: My therapist has me writing down my feelings and I keep that in a journal on the computer and just print it out for him to read. It helps me because I can't remember everything and it helps him to see my progress.

You will feel better and even though you can't see or feel much progress, you won't always have these feelings. (Now I feel like I am rambling)

Keep us updated on your doctor visit and the counseling appointment.

Best wishes and many hugs,
Sam :angel:

Hi Sam, thanks for the reply. I think the journal is a great idea even if it is just for my own use.

I spoke to my tutor at university today about everything and he has said i can fill in an extenuating (sp?) circumstances form and then if my exams all go very badly they will take everything into consideration and basically i wouldn't get kicked out. Doesn't mean i won't work but is a nice safety net just in case.
Another little bit of progress and i am going to try and stay patient with everything.

Thanks again. JAmes.

duplicate accident

it's me again. I'm just checking in i suppose really, as i've had a couple developments i suppose.

I have a doctor's appointment again on friday which he had requested i make, but i also have a few questions i want to get straightened out. On the same day i have a one off counselling appointment, which got moved forward which i am very grateful for. There's some more questions i want to ask there too. I find this place a great help but sometimes i can only do things face to face, where i can check people's real reactions i suppose (there go the trust issues again!).

I'm glad to hear you're going back to the doctor and the counselor. I hope this combination has helped some. I hope you are able to ask the questions you want to and get the answers you need. Best of luck. :)

I think the ADs are helping with my anxiety a bit. Though i also put it down to a course i went on and, less positively, down to the depression making things seem less important and meaningful. But if i can start to handle the stress a little better in terms of work, then maybe i can address my "craziness" in my personal life. They haven't really helped my mood so much though, and i still feel down and all the rest. My sleep has been very poor recently too.

I never felt that my meds worked, either. Do you like your life? I mean, other than the depression, do you like your work? Where you live? Your situation? I found when I worked at a place I hated, that the only "drug" that could help me, was leaving my job. No amount of SSRI's could take away the stress, the sick feeling when I had to go to work each day, the nights I lied awake worrying about work. Sometimes, a life change can do more than a pill ever could.

I still havent been able to tell anyone about all this and i'm still struggling if i'm honest. It's strange that i just can't imagine things being anyother way, you know what i mean? I can't imagine life without all the feeling low, insecurities and everything.

This is going to probably seem like a weird question, but... do you think part of you enjoys the moodiness, the depression? Some people do. My boyfriend is like that. He really likes what he calls his "darker side." It helps him feel like he's a deeper, more spiritual (not religious, mind you) person. It's not really a dark side, but just a moodier side. The side that likes to walk outside in the night. The side that's happier when it rains. The side that allows him to reflect on unhappier times and feel bittersweet. I think, sometimes, when a certain feeling is what we know, we tend to embrace it in a way. It becomes us--it's comfortable. I, myself, could never be an outgoing, social, happy-go-lucky type. That's just not who I am. Eeyore is a good example of a being that clings tenaciously to his ways. He wouldn't give his gloominess up for anything. :) Of course, I could be way off base, and I hope you're not offended if I am. It's only a theory as to why you can't imagine life any other way.

In any case, I hope you can find the right balance and get what you need. You should be able to live a normal life.

All my best, and hugs,

EoR

Hi EoR :wave: Thanks for your thoughts and good wishes.

I sometimes think that the depression makes me feel better about how unhappy i am with elements of my life - i don't have a girlfriend or anyone special, i dont feel like i have any close friends and i don't know where my life is going and what i want to do etc. I'm not sure i enjoy the moodiness though. Or maybe i do and don't want to admit it?

This makes me feel very guilty about being on here though and saying i have depression etc. I wish i was different and not me, really, i suppose.

Then sometimes i think that part of getting over the 'depression' is to sort my issues out - self esteem, self doubt, or even loathing at times, paranoia, obsession with everyone else's opinions, inferiority complex, confidence etc.

It makes me feel like all these feelings are invalid and i should just sort myself out and quit complaining. :confused: I dont know if that made any sense at all, by the way.

I wonder if the depression (directly or indirectly) is a cause or result of the things i am unhappy about?

Thanks again, take care. James.

You should never feel guilty about having depression. You never asked to feel this way. I don't think anyone here would turn you away or think less of you for not knowing how you feel about the depression. And, most of us don't have things sorted out. That's why we're here, to try and sort them out. :) All those things you've mentioned, the esteem, inferiority, being sensitive to what others say and think, that can all be a part of a depression. Between your counselor and your medicine, hopefully, you can address it all as a whole.

If you could change on physical aspect of your life (job, living situation, having a girlfriend) what would it be? Do you see things improving, if this thing were to change? Maybe establishing mini goals will help you determine what affects what.

Here's to hoping that things turn out the best they can,
EoR

I can't imagine any of those things changing. I can't imagine a situation where i feel like i have purpose in my career and i don't want to sound melodramatic, but i already think i will be alone in terms of relationships. I suppose what i would change the most is just having someone to support me, want to spend time with me and lame as it may sound, just give me a hug, when i feel like this, as that would make everything seem less important. I have family, but i want someone to want to do these things independently. Not because we are family.

But i see them all as related, really. If i sort one aspect out then the others could follow i suppose.

Thankyou very much EoR. Take care of yourself, you deserve it.

James.

I had an interesting conversation with my boyfriend yesterday over Yahoo while he was at work. We got to talking about our pasts, and he told me about how he had felt sad a lot. When I asked why, he said, "Because I thought I'd be alone all my life. I didn't think I'd ever find anybody who would love me." Yet, today, here I am, his girlfriend of 7 years, and we have a beautiful child together. When I was younger, I would lie awake in bed, wondering if I could ever hold a job down, stressed that I'd never make a decent life for myself. I dropped out of high school my senior year. I couldn't stay at my jobs for more than a year. I was unmotivated. I lived off of other people. I was a bum. My life was going nowhere. Now, as I type this, I'm writing from home while working. I have a house. I have my two kids, a great guy and a dog. Life is everything I thought it never could or would be. And I'm 26. Imagine what it could be another 5 or so years from now...
Your life can become something you never imagined it to be, too. For me to get where I'm at, I had to make a lot of mistakes and learn a lot of lessons. I had to live in crappy places and work jobs that would literally make me throw up because they caused me so much stress. I had to live with a man that I didn't love but who was super posessive of me, and the whole time, I was in love with my current boyfriend. It was a harsh and bumpy road, and I shed many, many tears along the way, but here I am. And trust me, if I were the me of 5 years ago, reading this from the me of today, I'd totally dismiss this, and say, "Yeah, well you got lucky. Good for you, but things won't change for me." I sincerely hope that in a few short years, you might be able to relate a story such as this, too. I believe in you. I know you'll find your happiness. You're worth it. It's out there for you.

All my best and big hugs,
EoR

Wow, thankyou so much. It really means a lot to me to read something like that. I'm almost crying as i write this, which i haven't been able to do in years (as much as i have wanted to!). I am going to try and remember it and try as much as i can to stay positive.

You've been so kind to me on here. I am really glad things have got better for you. You deserve it so much. :)

Look after yourself. James.

I'm so glad that you've been encouraged. I very much would love to see you happy and living the life you want to live. I'm happy to be kind to you. You're one of the nicest people I've met. :) I'm honored to know you. I hope you're feeling better, already, and good luck with your appointments tomorrow. I hope they go well for you.

Big hugs--EoR

:D Thankyou again.

Take care of yourself. James.

I'm glad you feel like some aspects have improved. FWIW, I take Buspar for anxiety AND an AD. The Buspar helps me to not panic & go off into a mental tizzy for several days when a major stressor hits. It's the AD that helps with the insomnia, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, being "down, etc. Counseling has helped me deal with my repressed anger and self concept issues. Like others have said, you seem to be so hard on yourself yet so accepting and forgiving of others. You need to cut yourself some slack. Yeah right, harder to do than it sounds but you need to do it for you because you ARE important. You're dealing with an illness and you're trying to get better. Do what you can with where you are is what I have to tell myself all the time. I may not be where I want to be but I'm better than I was before because I'm working at it & took the initiative to get help with meds & counseling. You've done some of the same so you need to give yourself some credit.

As for still having insomnia, apathy, etc. it may be that your AD isn't the "right" one. It may be helping with the anxiety issues but not the other depression symptoms. I know I had to try 4-5 that worked and stayed working. I would find one that worked and then 3 weeks later, my depression "returned" and upping the dose didn't help.

Something else to think about is when you've lived with depression for a while it's all you "know" or you may feel a "comfort" in things staying the way they are. I know that I had a real fear of trying to get better because I was going to have to deal with leaving a mental state that I was used to. The right AD certainly has helped me deal with that.

Kudos to you for your progress! Hang in there!

C.

Thankyou Candcrew for the reply, your message made a lot of sense to me.

I've had a counselling seesion this morning. She was very nice and i talked about not being able to accept it and the self-doubt etc. Some of the stuff i have mentioned on here really. We also talked about telling my family about all this. she asked me if i wanted another appointment in a couple of weeks which i am booked in for. That will be the last one until september though i expect.

Then i went to the doctor, who said i should give my meds more time as the dosage was increased three weeks ago. I'm going back again in another three weeks when, if necessary, she will think about dosage/new meds. She's also prescribed me some sleeping pills, to help with insomnia in the short term.

I know i have to be patient, but it's difficult. I feel so low right now. I tried to go out with flatmates but i just sat there feeling isolated and lonely, and left at 9pm. I don't want to do anything. Nothing that will be good for me anyway.

It's excruciating waiting for these drugs to kick in. I'm so fed up with all this right now. :mad:

James.

Hi James :wave:
I am glad you got to talk to the counselor. It is hard to have depression. It is not something you choose to have. I am proud of you for the progress that you have already made. I know you can't see it but, I can. You stepped out of the "comfort zone" and asked for help. I remember when you first posted you were afraid to talk to the doctor and you thought they would tell you to go away that there was nothing wrong with you. It takes courage to stay in school and be away from your family. You want to be independent and that is great. You could take the easy way out and say "Oh poor me" and quit school and go back home and live off of your parents. It takes courage to ask for help. It takes courage to keep trying to go out with your flatmates, even if you didn't feel good after you got there. The important thing is you keep trying and you don't give up hope. That is a good quality to have. You have to have hope to survive in this world.

I know it's hard to wait for the meds to kick in. I know that you are hurting and I know the pain is excruciating! You are not alone my friend. I know there are better times for you. I am not a patient person either, but somehow there are always things in life that we are having to wait for. It is just difficult to see right now, that is the way depression makes you think.

I don't want to do anything. Nothing that will be good for me anyway.

I sure hope you are not thinking of harming yourself. You have the whole wide world ahead of you. You have many things to be thankful for. I know you can't see them right now but, just please hold on. There ARE better days ahead.

Sometimes I feel like my answers to your posts sound like....hmmm...don't know how to describe it...kind of like a robot...or scripted. I don't really know how to describe it. But, I hope with all of my heart when I reply to you that you know that I think about your situation and try to put myself in your place. I try to relate the life lessons that I have learned. Believe me they have been alot! I have been struggling with depression for probably most of my life and I have been through many counseling sessions. I have learned alot from these sessions and I try to apply them to my life. We all are in the learning process, each and every day we learn something new. The tricky part is when we make mistakes we should all try to learn from them and try not to repeat those mistakes.

I just see you in pain and my heart aches for you. I want the very best for you and I know you want that too.

Hang in there and take one day at a time!

Best wishes and many hugs,
Sam :angel:

Hi sam :wave:

Thankyou for the message. It can be quite difficult to remember the things i have done with all this, and to put that in context. I've said it before, but i am going to try and keep positive as much as i can.

It was nice to get a few straight hours sleep last night thanks to the sleeping pills. My doc said to try not to take them everyday as i could get hooked, but some decent sleep is much appreciated!

I didn't do anything to myself last night, like i had been thinking of. I'm afraid i have a few times in the last week or two, but it's not the way forward.

Your posts are a lot of help to me. I'm not sure where i would be without people like yourself on here. I think i know what you mean about worrying what your posts sound like, but i can see how genuine you are in them. It's not easy to get that across in a written message. Just taking the time to reply to me means so much.

Thankyou, and hope you are ok. James.

hey james how r u feeling? glad u got some sleep, altho i tried sleeping tabs and they didnt do anything to me, think i need horse tranquilizers ;) heh heh.

i hope ur doing better, take care and keep us informed

all the best,

Brett :angel:

Hi Brett. How's it going?

I'm not too bad today. Bit tired as the sleeping tabs didn't do their job so well last night! Trying to get some revision done but i can hardly keep my eyes open!

Take care, mate. James.

hey james DONT do what i did to keep awake then...

i just met a girl the week before so i was nervous about her, sposed to be going on a date with her that nite, had an exam the next day so i drank LOADS of very strong coffee, and i HATE coffee it makes me throw up!! anyway i did that and i took a pro plus with the coffee only to read the instructions and it said DONT take with caffeine, well i took 2 didnt i!! eek, anyway my housemates thought i was dying heh heh, i was shaking and everything having fits!!! NEVER AGAIN!! i was soooo ill!! EVIL CAFFEINE AND PRO PLUS ;)

Brett :angel: