just wanted to say out loud/in print: WHY IS THE WORLD SO NEGATIVE? i have suffered long term with major depression and also psychotic symptoms periodically (although not, i must say, right at the moment). and i'm trying to get back to work. haven't worked full time in years. but i have a part time job as a courier which i really enjoy because getting paid to drive around for four or five hours is my dream job. i mean, heck, i'd be doing it even if they weren't paying me (driving around, that is). and today i started a second part time job delivering tourist-type brochures to hotels and restaurants around the city. and i couldn't believe how nasty the people i had to deal with were!!!!! maybe i am paranoid........okay i am paranoid........but that still doesn't make it ok for people to make snotty remarks about the fat loser/freek/geek/wierdo/whatever. people are so incredibly cruel and thoughtless. they say crap when i'm standing practically right next to them. what a joke!!! so of course i have QUIT. after one friggin day. has anyone else quit a job after ONE DAY? i feel i made the right move, because the stress i felt today was incredible (what a pathetic excuse for an hombre am i...). ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr i hate myself so much.....
hank

Hi there:
hey, I feel your pain...it has been one of those days for me too, and the truth is that YES people are like that, many people just dont care about others feelings, like today, Im been sued for a "causing vitiligo" to one of my clients(Im an esthetician) and the truth is that vitiligo CANT be caused by anything (medically speaking) so, this person s goin to loose the time and make me loose time and money, because she thinks she can get a "bite out of me" and make a little money for suffering, so, What I mean is, yes, sometimes you just want to go home and stay there for the rest of your life..... but life has to go on.. things like that cant get to you that strong.... there is always going to be an (.....) everywhere you go.. but there are nice people too, have faith.

hugs


leibnyz

thanks leibnyz.....you're right. i often wish i had the ability/desire to just hide in my apartment for months on end......but the truth is, as depressed and wierded out as i get, i STILL desire human contact. any human contact. and then when it turns toxic i retreat, and the cycle begins again. strange. you want to be left alone, but at the same time you desire to be around people. i live in a building for people with disablities, and i feel so bad for the folks who must make do without a car or with such physical impairments that they just can't go out. i go stir crazy on sundays when i have nothing to do and nowhere to go.

best of luck with your problems at work (i confess i had to look up both your profession and the disorder you desribed)

so i guess we can both hang in there a while longer.......later!!!
hank

Hi hank my name is Emily. I know that this is kinda of a old post. I'm 16 and i have also been through a major depression with psychotic features. I went through it last year when i was 15. I too, felt very paronoid. How long have you had your depression for? Luckily, i haven't had mine for too long- 6 months at the most, I don't remember when it ended. But it felt a lot longer than it did last. Anyway, even though I'm younger than you, you can talk to me. Bye, and have a nice day.

Hank, I wish I knew why people were so mean, I think it's because they have black hearts, it's the only reason I can think of. I feel like you do, want contact, but feel like hiding. I am no social butterfly, never have been. Always the wall flower at a get together or whatever. I am sorry people treated you so bad today. Know that not everyone thinks like they do. I would be your friend. I long for friends, and can't seem to meet anyone that doesn't have a black heart. Seems like all people care about is materialistic things anymore, and "being beautiful", give me a break! They can have plastic surgery and it won't make them beautiful inside! You have friends here. I may be depressed to the point of suicide sometimes, and be screwed up emotionally alot, but I know a good person when I see one.

Hugs, Blossom

thanks for responding emmie and blossom! i hadn't checked this board in a couple of days, so it's nice to hear kind words from you. i really, really mean that.

blossum: i still hold out hope that there are some decent folks out there, but my paranoia and depression get in the way. i'm one of those people who looks on the outside completely different than i am on the inside. i'm 6 2 and large (no exact #'s on the weight, please) and apparently people always assume i'm a snob or, if they know of my disability, that i'm crazy. i am neither. i think being a big guy scares people away, so i try extra hard to please people and make them like me, which of course makes them think i'm even wierder or snobbier or.....hell, i don't know what they think. i drive myself crazy trying to please people and be nice, but it never works out.

emmie: i'm pulling for you that you pull out of this depression. psychosis and depression are two very scary things to deal with, and i hope you have some type of social network to help you deal with your paranoia. it would be cool to have friends to bounce things off of, trying to find out what is really going on. but me,.....well....i'm completely isolated. i'm 38, have a mom about an hour away who i have a very good relationship with, although when i get paranoid i think SHE thinks i'm a freak too. (this happened this week when i visited her: "my son is sssoooooo wierd!!" i heard her say, i think. of course, i could have been hallucinating. and the same type of stuff happens with my therapist, whom i've known for five years and who has tried to be very loyal to me. i still hear her say things as i'm leaving the office like "what a bore" etc etc. so i stick my fingers in my ears on my walk out to my car to block out the voices/reality. i can't tell the difference. isn't that crazy? sticking your fingers in your ears to block our the world? sheeeessh

sorry if i'm babbling but i'm a bit tipsy after getting home from work and enjoying some liquid refreshment. i know i'm not supposed to drink while taking antidepressants, but i do sometimes anyway.

emmie:i've suffered from depression my whole life, but that doesn't mean you will go through the same thing. i'm hoping you get the care and support you deserve to get through these hard times. go get 'em! and have a nice weekend.........

hank/joe