hoz
05-04-2005, 03:36 PM
I’m writing this letter as I feel I'll be able to explain considerably better rather than talking face to face. I find it so hard to explain my feelings and have trouble letting people in anymore. I won’t let people into my thoughts as I’ve now experienced hurt like no other before. I am feeling so low. So unbelievably low it’s hard to imagine. I’ve been feeling like this since just after September, subsequently made myself ill around November time, and my feelings have progressed far worse ever since. So, for roughly six months now, I have been feeling at my worst, and every time I come to see you I try to explain. But my words stop short of my mouth. I can’t explain. I don’t want people to know the knowledge of who I am or why I am. Or how I feel and what I’m going through. But now I know I need to let people in. I need you to understand just what im feeling.
My problems are serious. To do with now and to do with the past .My childhood was bad, and problems are now being dredged up from around that time. I can't talk to my family as they are half the problem. At home I shut my self away from their prying eyes, from their questions and away from the world. So many thoughts and feelings are running through my mind every second of every day. I feel so sad,so hurt,isolated and lonely,angry and frustrated. Irritable,I have no confidence. I’m anxious about many things and have been suffering from bad panic attacks.I can’t think clearly. No one seems to care or to understand why I am like this. Why I have changed so drastically. I generally used to be quite a loud and fun character with my own individuality and many friends. However by feeling like this and feeling like this for so long,I’ve managed to push my friends away. I don’t want to tell them what I’m going through or what I’m feeling.
Every day I look at myself and hate what I see. I hate feeling like this, feeling so blue, and letting major things in my life get to me as much as they do. I have major self esteem issues. I just can’t seem to take control. I have no energy to do anything. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk. It is strange not to want to utter a single word to anybody,but that's just how I feel. I feel if I say something, then I will only make matters worse.I do not want to burden them with anything. I daydream, and am stuck in my own world. This world of depression and it feels as if I’m spiralling out of control down a black hole with no one to help me.
My every day life is being affected drastically by how I'm feeling. I'm missing college a lot because I do not want to face the day altogether. Therefore, I am struggling greatly in my work. I do not want to socialise, thus pushing those who care about me, even further away from me. I feel sluggish and lazy all day. I can’t sleep. I seem to have insomnia. I stay up all night thinking about anything and everything. Usually obsessing about the day. I suffer from bad nightmares. I've always suffered from them, usually involving myself or a close person to me, dying or suffering. However, they are becoming more frequent. I have a fear of sleeping, because I know a nightmare is waiting for me around the corner as soon as I drift asleep. It is frightening and disturbing. I cry uncontrollably. I am not normally a person who shows much emotion, but since feeling very low for months on end, I cry most days. Sometimes about nothing and sometimes about everything. All these feeling are so draining and exhausting it is hard to deal with this pain.
I used to take my pain and emotions out on my family,this just made matters worse, so then I began to take my emotions out on myself. I hurt myself. I began cutting my self purely as a release of emotions. I don’t want to be perceived as an attention seeker because that is not who I am. Nobody knows about me cutting myself and noone has seen my cuts and scars to my knowledge. I am careful to keep them hidden. Just like I keep my problems hidden. However, it is too hard to hide them any longer. It is very clear that I am suffering; that I am changing within myself. I feel i will break sometime soon. I'm so scared.
I want this suffering to end now, but I feel there is no way out. My life is so monotonous and I am being controlled by this illness. Without the support of family or friends it is very tough to fight this, that is why I want your help. I know there is a problem.But when I came to you on many occasions I felt like you were palming me off, perhaps because I am young. Yes I may be young, but I am certainly old enough to suffer. I shouldn’t have to fight this alone. You referred me to counselling, however when I was at one of my lowest times, and I will admit, that I was having thoughts of hurting myself further, and thoughts of suicide, I was made to wait. Waiting for help was the worst thing you could have done to me. So, everything has progressed into something far worse. Counselling began a while ago and my first session was no help. I am honest to say that I am sceptical of this kind of therapy. To talk about problems,trying to understand the source of it all,working from there. As I have clearly said so many times, I can't talk to people. I know what is best for me from experience, and talking will not help and is not helping me. I have tried.Four sessions to be exact, but within those counselling sessions I felt I gained nothing and felt patronised by the woman. I didn't want to be there. I feel humiliated in a sense for letting my feelings control me to such an extent that I have to sought to therapy. My therapist also is no help to me. Again I will not talk.
I understand that you must be exploring possibilities of help for me, but I feel you do not understand at all just what I am going through. I hurt so much and feel so low. I truly am suffering within, and consequently everything and everyone around me are suffering too. I need help now. I think I need medication.. In time I hope to be happy once again, to be safely on the path to recovery. You may think im jumping the gun here a bit by suggesting Anti depressants, but I have done my research and there is nothing more that I think will help me.I feel like im fighting you, when asking for help should be an easy task. Please try to understand.
My problems are serious. To do with now and to do with the past .My childhood was bad, and problems are now being dredged up from around that time. I can't talk to my family as they are half the problem. At home I shut my self away from their prying eyes, from their questions and away from the world. So many thoughts and feelings are running through my mind every second of every day. I feel so sad,so hurt,isolated and lonely,angry and frustrated. Irritable,I have no confidence. I’m anxious about many things and have been suffering from bad panic attacks.I can’t think clearly. No one seems to care or to understand why I am like this. Why I have changed so drastically. I generally used to be quite a loud and fun character with my own individuality and many friends. However by feeling like this and feeling like this for so long,I’ve managed to push my friends away. I don’t want to tell them what I’m going through or what I’m feeling.
Every day I look at myself and hate what I see. I hate feeling like this, feeling so blue, and letting major things in my life get to me as much as they do. I have major self esteem issues. I just can’t seem to take control. I have no energy to do anything. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk. It is strange not to want to utter a single word to anybody,but that's just how I feel. I feel if I say something, then I will only make matters worse.I do not want to burden them with anything. I daydream, and am stuck in my own world. This world of depression and it feels as if I’m spiralling out of control down a black hole with no one to help me.
My every day life is being affected drastically by how I'm feeling. I'm missing college a lot because I do not want to face the day altogether. Therefore, I am struggling greatly in my work. I do not want to socialise, thus pushing those who care about me, even further away from me. I feel sluggish and lazy all day. I can’t sleep. I seem to have insomnia. I stay up all night thinking about anything and everything. Usually obsessing about the day. I suffer from bad nightmares. I've always suffered from them, usually involving myself or a close person to me, dying or suffering. However, they are becoming more frequent. I have a fear of sleeping, because I know a nightmare is waiting for me around the corner as soon as I drift asleep. It is frightening and disturbing. I cry uncontrollably. I am not normally a person who shows much emotion, but since feeling very low for months on end, I cry most days. Sometimes about nothing and sometimes about everything. All these feeling are so draining and exhausting it is hard to deal with this pain.
I used to take my pain and emotions out on my family,this just made matters worse, so then I began to take my emotions out on myself. I hurt myself. I began cutting my self purely as a release of emotions. I don’t want to be perceived as an attention seeker because that is not who I am. Nobody knows about me cutting myself and noone has seen my cuts and scars to my knowledge. I am careful to keep them hidden. Just like I keep my problems hidden. However, it is too hard to hide them any longer. It is very clear that I am suffering; that I am changing within myself. I feel i will break sometime soon. I'm so scared.
I want this suffering to end now, but I feel there is no way out. My life is so monotonous and I am being controlled by this illness. Without the support of family or friends it is very tough to fight this, that is why I want your help. I know there is a problem.But when I came to you on many occasions I felt like you were palming me off, perhaps because I am young. Yes I may be young, but I am certainly old enough to suffer. I shouldn’t have to fight this alone. You referred me to counselling, however when I was at one of my lowest times, and I will admit, that I was having thoughts of hurting myself further, and thoughts of suicide, I was made to wait. Waiting for help was the worst thing you could have done to me. So, everything has progressed into something far worse. Counselling began a while ago and my first session was no help. I am honest to say that I am sceptical of this kind of therapy. To talk about problems,trying to understand the source of it all,working from there. As I have clearly said so many times, I can't talk to people. I know what is best for me from experience, and talking will not help and is not helping me. I have tried.Four sessions to be exact, but within those counselling sessions I felt I gained nothing and felt patronised by the woman. I didn't want to be there. I feel humiliated in a sense for letting my feelings control me to such an extent that I have to sought to therapy. My therapist also is no help to me. Again I will not talk.
I understand that you must be exploring possibilities of help for me, but I feel you do not understand at all just what I am going through. I hurt so much and feel so low. I truly am suffering within, and consequently everything and everyone around me are suffering too. I need help now. I think I need medication.. In time I hope to be happy once again, to be safely on the path to recovery. You may think im jumping the gun here a bit by suggesting Anti depressants, but I have done my research and there is nothing more that I think will help me.I feel like im fighting you, when asking for help should be an easy task. Please try to understand.