VeryTired
05-04-2005, 09:01 PM
i don't know what to do. i unfortunately got myself into this thing called medical school and i hate it. i know what the good folks of this board will advise....find what you like and do it.
i can't do that. i don't like anything. and more importantly, i am 45k in debt for med school thus far. actually, it's worse than that. i swear if it was really ME in debt, i would just default on the loan and wait seven yrs or whatever for it to drop off my credit report (it's a private student loan, not a stafford)
sadly, though, my dad cosigned. and he is not the type to ever default on anything, not to mention he has a life and many people to support so he can't for that reason too.
you know, i haven't cried in many many many years. actually, i am not sure the last time i cried and i am not sure if i have ever cried for real. i've cried a couple of times but i am pretty sure it was fueled by alcohol.
however, i want to cry all the time. it's the way i feel inside. i can't take it anymore. i feel like a fraud and a liar. i am actually progressing through med school. not all that well, at this point, if i fail two more major courses, i will be dismissed. but i have gotten thru some really tough courses with hardly any studying. i have a good memory, that's all. i like posing as a medical student, telling people i am in med school, i like, no, love, the camaraderie with my dad that stems from it (he's a doc).
i like not having to work, and living off the student loan. that's about it though. hate the subject, hate the work, the classes, the people, the tests. i am so unhappy. how did it come to this? and why? all my life i have not known what i wished to do in life. i am a really lazy person. and i have been depressed for 15 yrs. it has to do with having no friends, no girlfriend, poor familial relations, and longtime addiction to beer which is on-off for the past few years, mostly because a couple months of each year i now smoke weed to the point of total numbness as was the case for the last two wks.
Weed is the only thing that makes me happy. and now i am in a place where i can't get any, and am spending $150 a night on a hotel room with no forseeable end in sight. it's basically my dad's hard-earned money. i feel worthless, i really sometimes wish i would just get hit by a car and end this ordeal for my parents.
probably some of you have had this feeling.......when your life is just too screwed up and the years of pain and hurt and emptiness and loneliness are too overwheming......i am ready to throw away this life and start anew. i would never do it, not in a million yrs, but for many years now, it has been a soothing thought. and i again pose the question, how much loneliness, rejection, depression and all the rest can a person take? i feel particularly bad right now because i am in a foreign country and can't just pick up the phone and talk to my brother, who is my only friend and confidante on earth. too expensive to call. my normal loneliness is just magnified soooo much.
i can't do that. i don't like anything. and more importantly, i am 45k in debt for med school thus far. actually, it's worse than that. i swear if it was really ME in debt, i would just default on the loan and wait seven yrs or whatever for it to drop off my credit report (it's a private student loan, not a stafford)
sadly, though, my dad cosigned. and he is not the type to ever default on anything, not to mention he has a life and many people to support so he can't for that reason too.
you know, i haven't cried in many many many years. actually, i am not sure the last time i cried and i am not sure if i have ever cried for real. i've cried a couple of times but i am pretty sure it was fueled by alcohol.
however, i want to cry all the time. it's the way i feel inside. i can't take it anymore. i feel like a fraud and a liar. i am actually progressing through med school. not all that well, at this point, if i fail two more major courses, i will be dismissed. but i have gotten thru some really tough courses with hardly any studying. i have a good memory, that's all. i like posing as a medical student, telling people i am in med school, i like, no, love, the camaraderie with my dad that stems from it (he's a doc).
i like not having to work, and living off the student loan. that's about it though. hate the subject, hate the work, the classes, the people, the tests. i am so unhappy. how did it come to this? and why? all my life i have not known what i wished to do in life. i am a really lazy person. and i have been depressed for 15 yrs. it has to do with having no friends, no girlfriend, poor familial relations, and longtime addiction to beer which is on-off for the past few years, mostly because a couple months of each year i now smoke weed to the point of total numbness as was the case for the last two wks.
Weed is the only thing that makes me happy. and now i am in a place where i can't get any, and am spending $150 a night on a hotel room with no forseeable end in sight. it's basically my dad's hard-earned money. i feel worthless, i really sometimes wish i would just get hit by a car and end this ordeal for my parents.
probably some of you have had this feeling.......when your life is just too screwed up and the years of pain and hurt and emptiness and loneliness are too overwheming......i am ready to throw away this life and start anew. i would never do it, not in a million yrs, but for many years now, it has been a soothing thought. and i again pose the question, how much loneliness, rejection, depression and all the rest can a person take? i feel particularly bad right now because i am in a foreign country and can't just pick up the phone and talk to my brother, who is my only friend and confidante on earth. too expensive to call. my normal loneliness is just magnified soooo much.