My brother was only 28 when he died, i was 21, and it's been exactly a year since he's been gone--the day is very fresh in my mind. May 9th isn't for sure the day he died--it was the day he was found. He lived about 4 hours away from us, so it wasn't so easy to see him on a regular basis. That Mother's day evening when we were eating dinner, we had recieved a phone call from his landlord wondering if we had seen or talked to him because he was late with his rent. Of course it was also strange that he didn't call my mom to wish her a happy Mother's Day when he always does. After a couple hours of trying to reach him on the phone with no luck at all, also getting a hold of a couple of his friends who said they hadn't seen or talked to him for a week or so, we called the local law enforcement to do a check on him. It wasn't until about midnight that we got the dreadful phone call telling us that he had passed away.

My brother called me May 4th at 9:XXpm but i let it go to voicemail. I knew it was him calling me but it was one of those moments where i just didn't feel like talking to him at the time. I never returned his call, it was the last that I or anyone had heard from him--i regret not picking up the phone. All he wanted was to talk to his little brother, me, but i chose not to, and deleted his phone message.

I always think of ways of how i could have prevented his death, maybe if i had answered my phone that night. After he died, i had checked his cell phone and his computer and both showed inactivity since may 4th, the night he had called me.

The night he died, was the worst breakdown i had ever experienced. All i could think of was not calling him back. I wondered how could i live with that guilt. If it wasn't for all the support from friends and family members i don't think i would have ever been myself again. My last breakdown was in March and i feel that i get better one step at a time.

My brother is in a better place now--the weeks after he passed away, I also felt his presence more than i did when he was living 4 hours away. It was something that i have never felt before, it was a warm comfort feeling. It felt like my brother was assuring me that everything was okay. I never really was a spiritual person, but after that feeling, it made me look at death in a completely different perspective that i can't really explain. It still felt like my brother was very much alive. I didn't feel this way when both my grandfathers or my great grandmother died, just my brother. I was able to go back to work and school the following week.

gosh, I dont know what to say, but it would appear your brother has forgiven you for not taking his call and wanted you to feel only his love and concern for you. You're lucky he was able to comfort you in that way.

I'm very sorry for your loss. None of us are perfect beings, James. We all do and say things we regret, especially with family. I've lost both a brother and a sister. And I'm very familiar with the "what ifs." It's perfectly normal and part of the process. Could you have made a difference if you'd picked up the phone that night? Maybe, or maybe not. You may never have that answer. BUT, the one thing you do know for certain is that you loved your brother. That's very obvious in the way you speak of him. And I'm sure he knew that, too. That's what really matters. It's time to forgive yourself, James. As you said, your brother's in a better place now. And isn't it amazing how God can wrap us up in His love and bring us such comfort when we're hurting so? I've been there, too. Will remember you in my prayers. Hang in there... time does heal.

Nancy