I've posted something along the lines of this a ton of times so if you're getting a sense of deja vu halfway through this then its probably because you were one of the people reading this sorta thing from me before lol.

I'm sorta beginning to wonder if its all my fault really. Every once in a while I'll admit that I've majorly lapsed again and its only gotten worse. This time is no different.

So I've jsut taken double the recommended dosage of two different diet pills for the whole day if that makes sense, all in one go even though I had the recommended amount throughout the day and they had already been making me feel like crap. Sure they are working, and well, but they are meant for people 3 years older than me as the minimum age and the side effects I've exoerienced on my usage of them havent been great to put it lightly.

And you're probably reading this asking why the hell I did it. And I am thinking it to lol. Yeah I'm kinda upset but why turn to bloody tablets for it, tablets I know that will make me ill and its been hell but that will make me lose weight fast and that cancels it out. It makes no sense.

My mum called me on the bus friday night while I was on my way home to tell me she'd put the house up for sale. This doesn't sound like a lot and those of you who know where me and my mum stand with each other are probably thinking that I don't spend enough time there for it to matter anyway. But she spent a year fighting for that house JSUT to spite my dad, she couldn't even afford the bills, she had to borrow money from relatives but it meant that much to her to get it. I was really pissed off about it at the time because she admitted to me half of the reason she was doing it was because she KNEW friends from my primary school I'm close with live around there and it would make me spend time there. But she promised me, PROMISED that she would not sell it until Sam (little brother) was 16 and he's only just turned 8. She out the whole family through hell for a whole year (trust me, it was bad. There were fights every night and thats when my ED stuff started and my cutting etc) just to sell it two years on. I realise I'm being selfish, but its not only a house, if she moves, I know for a fact me and the friends around there won't stay in touch. That means letting go of so much more than a house to me.

Plus on top of that she is moving in with Ian. Ian is a decent guy, don't get me wrong. I just think he is making a mistake with my mum. Its the first nice guy I've known my mum to stick with and I'm wondering about her motives, he doesn't seem her type. He has money and I don't want him getting hurt cus he is a decent person. Plus they have only been together literally a couple of months. I just think its too soon for them to be buying a house together. I don't know if he knows the real her yet.

My mum is still the same old her. Making sly comments to put me down, only happy if I'm losing weight etc.

This weekend, after the call on friday I was already pretty upset with her, but i wasnt angry because I knew I was just being selfish. Saturday night I got a call from her that I am STILL angry and hurt about. She rung asking to talk to Sam and as I was getting him she asked if I wanted to know where she was calling from and then went on to tell me she was waiting at a Spanish airport for their baggage because her and Ian were going to 'his place in Barcelona'. When I said (and im quoting this, it wasnt in a bitchy voice, jsut suprised. I had no prior knowledge of the trip) "oh, you're in Spain" She flipped at me getting all moody asking what my problem was bla bla bla. Then she hung up and sunday texted my dad telling him she'd tried to talk to Sam and I hadnt let her. When I spoke to him about it after the text he told me he'd known about the trip for ages and had just assumed I knew. Apparently she had told everyone. That is, everyone but me. There was a similar conversation with her on the phone that night, the details of which I won't bore you with.

All this is coming in the weekend between exams I've got at school and I cannot concentrate, am consequently failing them, not being able to revise them and this will raise issues with the teachers. I don't want them to know whats going on.

I just....She's just determined to make me realise what a disappointment I am to her. I can never ever be James (older half brother she favours by far and always has) and it seems like since she knows this, she just wants to hurt me as much as this knowledge hurts her.

You may think I'm exaggerating but let me lay down an example. When she called me about the house being for sale she claimed she was calling me at that time (she knew I would either be at school/on a bus - not at home) was because she didnt want me to find out through my dad when he picked my little brother up from her house that evening - this has happened concerning other matters before and it has upset me in the past. I thought it was the only positive point of the call, she was trying to upset me the least by telling me the way she did. I then found out from a guy I go to school with that lives near her that the house had been on the market for a week, WITH the board up. If she really had wanted to avoid a scene why did she not call me the weekend before?

A friend told me today that maybe I deserved it because of how I acted towards her in the past. This is a friend who knows about everything my mum did to me when I was being a ***** to her (I admit I was but I was not guna lie down and take all the stuff she did to me, I dont think anyone would have done) because this person was probably my closest friend at the time. She knew the details of every fight, the way my mum treated me etc etc. I can't believe she would try and tell me this is my fault.

I have given my mum chance after chance, I have gone through counselling for her because my mum believed it was my fault and the counsellor in question told me the situation would not change until my mum did and in her opinion this was unlikely to happen. I have usued all the coping techniques this counsellor told me, I have not lost my temper with my mum ONCE in months, I have calmly discussed things that bothered me about my relationship with her and yet she's not listening. I don't see why I'm holding on, trying to make things work out between us, when I know it never will. I can't give up on this, I know that but all I can think is, look how far she's pushed me. I have jsut taken 9 tablets on top of the 4 I had already taken. Tablets that have caused me so much pain in the last 72 hours that I can't put into words, JSUT because of how upset I am with her.

I'm sorry, I really needed to vent, congrats if u managed to get through the essay :rolleyes:
xoxox

Hey Em
Wow, that's one hell of a story! Your mom sounds like a real piece of work! No wonder you rely on your ED. You have NO control over your mother or what she does/says to you. So the only way you can have control is over your weight/food, etc. She sounds really hurtful and manipulative. You have no control over a lot just in those couple of conversations. She's selling the house, you're going to lose your friends, she's moving in with another guy she's only been with for a short time, and she went on a trip and you had no idea. That's a lot to hear about in one short time span.
It makes sense that you're having a hard time with the ED. I'm not sure why your friend said it might be your fault either. Whatever has gone on between you and your mom is one thing. Her being moody, unpredictable and not telling you things is not your fault.
Personally, maybe it's just my crap about my mother coming through, but your mom doesn't deserve to have someone like you. You sound like you really try hard for her and she does not reciprocate. That's really hard and pretty hurtful.
Well, I made it through the whole post :) and I get why you're "putting yourself through this". It's a coping skill because of all the loss of control you've got going on. Hang in there. I'm around if you need to talk.

Lauren

Thanks Lauren :) what you said is so true and i dont see why im so pathetic when it comes to her :rolleyes: lol

I've been thinking about it a lot and I've decided I need to do something my counsellor told me I should a long time ago (she has met my mum on a number of occasions) and meet with her in a neutral place and tell her whats upsetting me and that she needs to change it because otherwise I don't feel I'm able to carry on seeing her because its damaging to me (wish me luck tomorrow of thinking of a nice way to say that lol) which is basically whats happening. I'm meeting her after school for an hour and then I'm keeping a strict time limit on it and my bestest ever friend (sounds corny but she really is a star, she volunteered to do this) is guna hang around at a different cafe close by and if it gets too much i just need to text her and she'll come and say she needs me to help with a family crisis.

Apart from my mum, everythings so great right now but tehres always her at teh back of my mind and while there is I'm never guna be able to let this go.

I will post in a couple of days (my friend will be here tomorrow night) to tell you all how it goes.

Lauren when you said it sounded like all teh crap with your mum coming through, does that mean you don't get on with your mum either?

Hugs everyone!
xoxox