Hi! :wave:

I posted on here a while ago a few times but I've had trouble with my internet. Anyway, I finally went to see my GP today. :) She was really nice and if any of you havnt been to see a professional yet I can tell you it is not that bad (and I hate going to the doctors for anything) and they WILL take you seriously. It is amazing how much she seemed to understand. I guess doctors must see EDs all the time.

So now its official - I am bulimic. Hmm. That's wired even though I have known deep down for some time I always just refer to eat as that eating thing! I am quite scared now though - got blood tests, concillors, food diary to write. The thought of someone reading what I have eaten terrifies me. If you are in recovery, how soon after first seeking help did you find anything changed and how?? :confused: I guess I just don't know how I am gonna start making myself eat at certain times of the day. What happens if I go back in a fortnight and I have totally failed- itll look like I havnt made any effort. I dunno its just I know I have tried to sort myself out and it hasnt worked - how do I know it is going to be different this time??

Well I am glad I went anyway and if you havnt been to see anyone yet - go- they know what they are taking about- it is their job and I am not underweight at all and I thought that might mean that they think I must be exaggerating or something but they don't.

I am gonna stop writing now b4 this turns into an essay but if any of you can tell me what happens nxt n how ur copyin I would be vv grateful!!!

S x

Just one more thing to ask. What kind of things were found from blood tests any of you have had? Sorry to keep going on. Im just scared!

Thanks again!

S x

well today has been a really crap start. I tried to eat at certain times like the doc said but i cudnt do it i ended up bingeing n then purging til nohing left to purge and then cudnt bring myself to eat the nxt time i was supposed to! This is a nightmare but i guess u guys already know this.

just to let u know i am getting blood test done tommorrow as well so i will let u know the results when they get back if you are still worried! good luck and hang in there we are all here for u!
liza

Thanks liza.

I am dreading going back to the doctor n lettin her see what I have eaten. I am supposed to have eaten 3 meals n 3 snacks but today just starved myself til about an hr ago then binged although what I ate doesnt amount to that much so it probably looks like im not trying and then I don't even binge properly. Hope this isnt triggering or anything but wud just like some feedback from somebody.

I ate half a cracker and a half an apple in the morning then about 5ish I had 13 crackers, 4 slices of ham, small tub of coleslaw and 2 slices of malt loaf and purged the whole lot as much as I could.

Its just, I dont know, there doesnt really seem to be any pattern or anything. Yesterday I ate 6 times as I was supposed to but purged twice only not after bingeing, just after fairly normal meals or half of meals. Thats why I didnt want to eat this morning becuase I had eaten yesterday but I dont know if shell understand that. I also chewed and spat yesterday. It was only a bit but it still adds to the randomness and I felt disgust writing it down.

Also, the amount I binge on or how long for just seems completely random. Like that today is nothing compared to a full binge. I think if I have already eaten during the day the binge is smaller but I feel just as huge and horrible. Do any of you purge when you have not binged? I mean sometimes I will have just eaten a cereal bar and il purge that. :nono:

Im just really confused :confused: and worried the dotor will think Im just not trying but being told to eat 6 times a day seems to have thrown the routine I have got into. I guess thats the whole point but its just what to do to get from one to the next. Should I eat the three meals n three snacks even if iv binged n purged after the 2nd one or am i then gonna look even fatter for carrying on eating more that day?? Please help

S

PS Gud luck tomorrow Liza. Let us know ow u get on and maybe we can help each other out a bit. :wave:

Well i just found out i am "extremely" anemic, which explains alot. I am always so tired and stuff so hopefully i will get vitamins and stuff to help me and make me feel better. I'm not sure what all this means but the dr sounded pretty serious this morning and she wants me to go in today so i will keep you posted on what she says. Let me know how you are!
liza

Hey!
Thanks 4 lettin me kno. I wouldn't worry about being anemic too much. I mean don't ignore it obviously but it can be sorted- several of my friends have been anemic. Anyway, I went for the blood tests today...and fainted majorly. I was out 4 some time and I've never fainted before from needles or anything. I still feel awful now. I got an extension on my essay but iv still got so much for tomorrow morning. I dont kno what to do. I feel like iv overeaten but i still feel faint n iv still got too much work.

S

Thanks for the reassurance. It just scared me the way the nurse sounded this morning, but she pushed the appointment to tommorrow morning so it must not be that bad. I know, i hate bloodwork!! The lady was so rude too! If you feel faint you might be anemic too. Does your hear race after going up the stairs? Anyways keep me posted on ur results. Take care!
liza

hey!

Yeah, maybe I am anemic. Hmm. I got an email from a tutor today saying another tutor was concerned about my health coz I havnt been lookin at all well n seem to be suffering from anxiety so he wanted to speak to me. He already knows bout my ED n I found it very easy to talk tpo him which is unusual. I am hopeless at talkin to anyone bout it. Anyway, he is worried I wont b well enough to take my exams n is goin to talk to one of my other tutors bout cuttin down on the number of deadlines I have so that was reassuring, just to know that he understands and doesnt just think im not bothering or am not gud enough. I still feel extremely faint and dizzy today though. I ended up purging again after hardly eatin anything. I dont know, I kinda had a mini binge...like it was very little but i felt out of control just the same and ate so quickly. Everything has just become more confused in my mind. The pattern just seems inconsistent. It changes all the time now which doesnt make any sense. I can't do this. I've purged more than usual since seeing my GP. Surely that is wrong but I really am trying but im just gonna look fat n greedy. Every day is hard work and I just feel permanently down. Sorry to be so miserable but i just need to vent. I contacted the University counselling service today anyway so hopefully will get an appointment soon although I am quite terrified. I also feel soooo guilty every time I speak to my mum on the phone coz she knows im not too well at the moment and she knows I am not eating properly at the moment but she doesnt know the extent to which the two are related. She noticed that I am restricting now but doesnt know I binge n purge etc.I feel so guilty but I dont want to worry her more coz that'll only make me worry more which will make the whole thing worse especially as she wud feel unable to do anythin as I live away from home 3 hrs south from my town. Does anyone else purge all the time without binging??????

Sorry for all the questions but I'm just sooo confused and my mind can't take it and I've got exams that I'm gonna fail n I've never failed an exam in my life. I would really really appreciate feedback. U guys know what ur talking about.

S
x

I want you guys to know a little bit about my story, I'll try to make it short.
I am a single mom and until my 20's I ate pretty healthy and weighed about 135 lbs. I was self conscious about my weight but wasn't much on dieting until about 26 years old I went on a diet and got down to 125 lbs. I was happy but maintaining it caused me a lot of anxiety and started binging and throwing up. It got worse and worse til I was b/p every day and made me gain weight. So I tried to quit and did for a while which went the other way and I was scared to eat for fear I would b/p. I then got down to 110 lbs. This scared me too and when I tried to eat normal I would just b/p. I went to a doc who prescribed me prozac and wellbutrin. I had a horrible reaction to the prozac which caused me more anxiety, which made my e.d. worse. I also quit working out and went into a bad depression and gained weight to 160 lbs. After all the throwing up I have eroded the gums on my teeth, my blood pressure shot up, among other things. I am now starting to get the weight off in a healthy way. But trust me you guys, do whatever you can to get help before you have done the damage I have.

Hey,
I am glad to hear you are on the right track now so at least there's hope. I really really am trying to sort this out. I like being a sucessful person but Im making a mess of it n can't find the way out at the moment. It is just really bad timing. I've got the toughest exams so far of my life comin up. Today I did it- I managed to eat six times but now I feel so so so bad. I feel huge, can't concentrate on anything else. I've realised I dont rule my life anymore- bulimia does and im fed up. I don't get it. I've always been able to trick my mind and convince myself of anything if I've wanted to but I jst can't this time. I want this to end. How long after first going for help did any of u guys find things were changing?? I mean, is it just me? Do i not have enough self control or something? How is it I can manage not to eat most of the time and yet can't stop myself from purging?? I know when I get hungry I binge then purge but if I try and eat enough to not want to binge I feel too full n purge anyway!!! I don't understand.

Btw, I got my counselling appointment for next week. Can anyone tell me what to expect. Im glad I am going coz I need to sort my head out but Im really quite terrified at the same time.
S

It has been a long 2 years since that Dr. put me on those meds. Your right tiredandangry, it will consume your whole life, I lost a great job I had had for 3 years, quit paying attention to my son, started having behaviors I normally didn't, like stealing. You have no idea how something like this can bring you down the longer it goes on. I have had the hardest 2 years of my life, and I pray every day I get it back on track. I'm not going to tell you the easiest way to do it because I don't think there is one, but counseling is the best thing you can do, and if you focus more on solving the reasons you b/p instead of just quitting I think you will start recovering. But I don't think it ever goes away. Kindof like an alcoholic, we can recover but will have to work to control it for the rest of our lives.

Good luck
Liz

Thanks for the feedback and words of wisdom eraytyler. My anutie is extremely anorexic and I guess that should have warned me not to be so stupid with my eating in the first place. Right, yesterday I finally stuck to eating six times but I felt so awful. I did not give in and vomit but I did do an hr of exercise last night and an hr this morning- is this still as bad? I mean its got to b healthier but I guess it means I still cant eat that much and not so anything to compensate.

S
x

Hey tired and angry, Over-exercising is still a form of purging. Of course, you should always exercise, but in moderation. One thing I had to tell myself when trying to work through this is to do it in babysteps, you can't get "normal" overnight. You just have to keep working at it. As a matter of fact I thought about throwing up myself today, but I didn't. You will always have those moments, but it does get easier the longer you go. Right now, I have only been about 1 month since the last time I did, but it was months before that. Sure is a lot better than every day. And I am working on the problems in my life that were making it that way so I think I will just keep getting better. I do think that excercising is a lot better than throwing up though.

Just need to vent. Im such a failure. I cant face seeing my doctor on Thursday. Im an idiot. I wasnt even remotely hungry but i ate so much even tho i have eaten regularly during the day like i am supposed to. Its now nearly midnight n iv jus finished the binging n purging and still have loadsa work to do. Im so stressed but the thing is I love my course. I just dont get it. Im doing my favorite subject in the world at arguably the best uni in the world and im makin a mess of it!!! Why???? Its just gonna look like im not tryin. One day i eat practically nothin and its fine. the nxt day i want to binge but then sometimes i binge wen im not hungry and dont binge wen i am n sometimes im full after a certain thing that the nxt day wud leave me feelin hungry. Im jus so crap. My doctor is gonna b so unimpressed!!!!! Theres no regular pattern or anythin so it looks like im jus not tryin! i jus want this to go away. i dont even kno what normal eating is anymore. I cant do this. i jus wanna sleep. I wish we didnt have to eat!!!

S
x

I know excatly how you feel, tired and angry, I have been there. You feel helpless to stop something you hate doing, like it controls your life. You won't be able to understand it and don't worry about what your doctor thinks. You know this disorder is more common than you think and I'd be willing to bet you are not the first bulemic she's seen who can't just stop on a dime. And I don't think she thought that would happen. Remember, baby-steps.

tired and angry,
please don't be ashamed to see your doctor... that is what she is there for- to help you. she is the LAST person that is going to judge you. you have nothing to be ashamed of, at least you took the first step! that is definitely something to be proud of. doctors understand every aspect of eating disorders, she knows it isn't easy to change over night and she doesn't expect you to completely change your behaviours in two weeks or whatever. you are an amazing girl for getting the help you need and i hope your expectations aren't too high either! hang in there... and keep trusting your doctor. take care.

hey happyhelper how is your friend doing?

Hey guys,

I gotta go back the doc tomorrow morning im terrified. I dont wanna put people off goin gettin help coz my doctor is lovely but i jus feel like a complete failure. I havnt even got one bloody day right in the last two weeks. What do i do wen she sits there reading my diary. I think iv written too much- is tht gonna b bad?? im so scared. What shud i expect nxt? This is my second appointment n im supposed to have eaten three meals n three snacks a day but i cant do it. Now what will she say?? What will b the nxt step? plz reply. im goin bak in the mornin!!!!!

Good luck hun!! I am in the same boat as you, my appointment is friday and i am so scared! Just be honest, i knwo its tough and you feel like you failed but the way i see it is im tired of all the lies and theres no use in even going if your not truthful. Im glad you posted that because now i feel like im not alone, hopefully u will get this in time. xoxxoxox ur in my prayers!
liza

Hey,

Thanks. its good to kno ur in the same position as me too- well not that its a good postion to b in but u kno what i mean. Well i went n it wasn't so bad. I have to go bak in two weeks again n she said about referrals n about possibly writing a medical thing 4 uni 4 my exams incase i mess em up. I now get a week off writing that diary- im sooo glad but then i have to do it for another week. Im also goin to a counsellor nxt week. so its all ok. Still cant decide whether to tell my mum...hmm.

Gud luck 2moz Liza. Let us kno how u get on n dont worry bout it. There were loadsa things that i thought were just me bein stupid n not sth normal for an ED but it turned out i was wrong so im sure ul b fine. She also said i was bein to hard on myself so i wudnt worry bout any relapses- mine was a complete disaster of two weeks!!

S
x

I knew it wouldnt be as bad as u thought!! I will most definetly let u know about tommorrow. Im a little nervous but i know that its for the better, thanks for the update and remmeber if you need anyone to talk to im here!