tangerinedream8
05-15-2005, 12:47 AM
I went on a date tonight with a guy who has CP. It seemed like his speech was a bit weird, is that something normal for a person with that disability? I think I'm going to have a hard time getting over the fact that he has it. It's not that I care myself, but I care what other people think. I feel so shallow for thinking this way. I want to push myself to accept him, he's a nice guy but I'm having a hard time being physically attracted to him. Has anyone gone though this? Do you just stop caring after awhile?
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NJenn
05-15-2005, 02:14 AM
Tangerine,
Yes, CP can affect speech. This is because CP makes our muscles too tight (or too loose) and it's hard for us to control them. Nervousness also can make symptoms of CP worse. We're usually nervous on dates, right? What do you mean when you say that you care about what other people think? Do you mean that you care about what other people think about him? That's his dilemma to deal with, not yours. Or do you mean that you care about what other people will think about YOU for dating someone with a physical disability? That's your dilemma, and only you can figure it out. No one wants to date someone who's embarassed or uncomfortable to be seen with them in public. How would you feel if you dated someone who felt that way about you?
The best advice I can give you is to try to treat this man like any other person you would date. Aside from the funny walking and the funny talking, we're just people like you. Get to know him, if you're truly interested in him. Get to know about CP, too. If some things about CP have you puzzled, ask him about it. Chances are, he's pretty comfortable talking about it-- we all reach that point eventually. And if it's hard for you to understand his "CP accent", ask him to repeat what he said. People with speech involvement know when someone doesn't understand them-- the blank stare, the nodding head.
As for physical attraction, if we learn more about the person we're dating, and if we like what we're learning about that person, they become more attractive to us--no matter if they're short, tall, fat, skinny, CP, or no CP. From experience (lots of boyfriends have told me this over the years), I can tell you this: if you find yourself truly caring for someone with a disability, the disability disappears and you see the person underneath. I say give him a chance, and go on a few more dates. You will learn more about him, and about yourself, in the process.
NJenn~~ 26, spastic diplegic
Yes, CP can affect speech. This is because CP makes our muscles too tight (or too loose) and it's hard for us to control them. Nervousness also can make symptoms of CP worse. We're usually nervous on dates, right? What do you mean when you say that you care about what other people think? Do you mean that you care about what other people think about him? That's his dilemma to deal with, not yours. Or do you mean that you care about what other people will think about YOU for dating someone with a physical disability? That's your dilemma, and only you can figure it out. No one wants to date someone who's embarassed or uncomfortable to be seen with them in public. How would you feel if you dated someone who felt that way about you?
The best advice I can give you is to try to treat this man like any other person you would date. Aside from the funny walking and the funny talking, we're just people like you. Get to know him, if you're truly interested in him. Get to know about CP, too. If some things about CP have you puzzled, ask him about it. Chances are, he's pretty comfortable talking about it-- we all reach that point eventually. And if it's hard for you to understand his "CP accent", ask him to repeat what he said. People with speech involvement know when someone doesn't understand them-- the blank stare, the nodding head.
As for physical attraction, if we learn more about the person we're dating, and if we like what we're learning about that person, they become more attractive to us--no matter if they're short, tall, fat, skinny, CP, or no CP. From experience (lots of boyfriends have told me this over the years), I can tell you this: if you find yourself truly caring for someone with a disability, the disability disappears and you see the person underneath. I say give him a chance, and go on a few more dates. You will learn more about him, and about yourself, in the process.
NJenn~~ 26, spastic diplegic
Steffers2318
05-15-2005, 12:13 PM
I went on a date tonight with a guy who has CP. It seemed like his speech was a bit weird, is that something normal for a person with that disability? I think I'm going to have a hard time getting over the fact that he has it. It's not that I care myself, but I care what other people think. I feel so shallow for thinking this way. I want to push myself to accept him, he's a nice guy but I'm having a hard time being physically attracted to him. Has anyone gone though this? Do you just stop caring after awhile?
Caring what other people think of you for dating him (if that's what you meant) is a big issue, and that's one of the reasons I have a hard time opening up to people--I figure everyone or almost everyone would feel this way. But I guess it's just normal for people to feel uncomfortable at first...why don't you try just being friends with him first instead of telling yourself that you're dating? Then see if you start to like him or feel more comfortable...you are not going to be attracted to or want to date every guy you meet, so don't force yourself to date him just because of his disability, either. We don't want to get the wrong impression or think someone's interested when they're not, just like everybody else. :)
Caring what other people think of you for dating him (if that's what you meant) is a big issue, and that's one of the reasons I have a hard time opening up to people--I figure everyone or almost everyone would feel this way. But I guess it's just normal for people to feel uncomfortable at first...why don't you try just being friends with him first instead of telling yourself that you're dating? Then see if you start to like him or feel more comfortable...you are not going to be attracted to or want to date every guy you meet, so don't force yourself to date him just because of his disability, either. We don't want to get the wrong impression or think someone's interested when they're not, just like everybody else. :)
tangerinedream8
05-15-2005, 07:26 PM
I do want to date him and it's not just because I pity him. I really do like him, it's just I have problems myself. I care about what other people think of me. I'm hoping I will get over this soon. When I'm alone with him in his car, I don't care. It's just when we are out in public. His speech isn't at all that bad, I've just noticed that he spoke a little slow a few times. He's a really smart guy. I just hate how people stare, I can't imagine how bad it must be for him.
I fear society's judgement too much.
I fear society's judgement too much.
Steffers2318
05-15-2005, 10:01 PM
He's a really smart guy. I just hate how people stare, I can't imagine how bad it must be for him.
I fear society's judgement too much.
I'm sure it is different for each person, but as for me, I don't even notice the staring anymore, and it doesn't bother me at all. Why don't you ask him if the staring bothers him? The way he deals with it might help you deal with it, ya know? My biggest problem is people having a reaction like yours, not wanting to be seen with me because they worry about what others think. If you are fine with him when you are alone, why let the others affect you at all? I know this is a lot easier said than done, though....it sounds like you want to do the right thing, so I hope things work out for the both of you...good luck!!!!!! :)
I fear society's judgement too much.
I'm sure it is different for each person, but as for me, I don't even notice the staring anymore, and it doesn't bother me at all. Why don't you ask him if the staring bothers him? The way he deals with it might help you deal with it, ya know? My biggest problem is people having a reaction like yours, not wanting to be seen with me because they worry about what others think. If you are fine with him when you are alone, why let the others affect you at all? I know this is a lot easier said than done, though....it sounds like you want to do the right thing, so I hope things work out for the both of you...good luck!!!!!! :)
JellyRJFan
05-15-2005, 10:28 PM
I agree with Steffers. The staring doesn't really bother me all that much, but then again I don't care what people think of me.
Syrinx
05-16-2005, 08:42 AM
I fear society's judgement too much.
Who are they to judge anyway? :rolleyes: They don't know him -- or you for that matter.
Really hope things will go well for you!! :)
Who are they to judge anyway? :rolleyes: They don't know him -- or you for that matter.
Really hope things will go well for you!! :)
Newtocp
05-16-2005, 01:17 PM
I'll admit I stared at a couple the other day where the husband had some form of cerebral palsy. It was out of pure admiration. He was a handsome man with a beautiful wife and child and it gave me affirmation and hope for my son's future. You might be shocked what people are thinking even if they are staring at you.
Steph
Steph
Freestyles
05-16-2005, 02:04 PM
It took me quite a few years to realize that dealing with the physical aspects of CP (or any other physical disability for that matter) is only a small part of the picture. While staying fit and getting daily excercise is extremely important, it's also very important to keep a healthy state of mind. I didn't date much in college for fear that girls could never truely "like" me because of my CP.. The last thing I wanted was to be the subject of pitty.
Even though I got subtle hints from girls who were probably genuinely interested, I wrote these off as "she's just being nice", contrary to the advice of my guy friends.
This is a real bad way to think... It creates this guard around you that people will likely think of as lack of interest. Aside from my using 2 canes for mobility, I'm in very good physical shape (the intent here us not to sound concieded). I work out almost every day as well as jog on the treadmill every other day. I pay attention to what I eat and use suplements now and then. It took me a long time and determination to achieve the physical conditioning and results I had been striving for. I've had people ask me why I do what I do. My answer to them is simple - I do it for myself. I do it because I can and because I enjoy it.
Most of the girls I've dated approached me and things sort of went from there.. This is sort of contrary to the societal norm that says the guy should approach the girl.
I don't do this because I'd hate to put her in an uncomfortable position...
It's not that I care myself, but I care what other people think
I realize that the same thoughts may be going through her head as you've descirbed.. For this reason I'm less fourthcoming than most of my guy friends... This like everything else is based on perspective.
I fear society's judgement too much
Like physical conditioning - mental and emotional conditioning also take time.
It's very important that other peoples' thoughts and opinions are merely based on perception, past experience, lack of knowlege etc. These are not facts and often couldn't be farther from the truth! What's important is what makes you happy... Does it really matter what others think? How will what they think have a huge impact on your life in general? Everyone is free to think what they think.. You have little control over that. But it shouldn't make the slightest difference as long as you're happy.
Finally -
If you're curious about his condition, the best thing to do is ask him directly. Bear in mind that this is a sensitive issue for some people.. I usually bring it up myself as I know that although people are curious, only a select few work up the courage to ask. On the flip side he may not be 100% comfortable with discussing it... It's something you may want to bring up eventually if he doesn't do it first... But concentrate on what you have in common beforehand.
Hope it works out for you two.. :)
If you have any specific questions please ask and I'll try to answer as
best I can.
F.S
Even though I got subtle hints from girls who were probably genuinely interested, I wrote these off as "she's just being nice", contrary to the advice of my guy friends.
This is a real bad way to think... It creates this guard around you that people will likely think of as lack of interest. Aside from my using 2 canes for mobility, I'm in very good physical shape (the intent here us not to sound concieded). I work out almost every day as well as jog on the treadmill every other day. I pay attention to what I eat and use suplements now and then. It took me a long time and determination to achieve the physical conditioning and results I had been striving for. I've had people ask me why I do what I do. My answer to them is simple - I do it for myself. I do it because I can and because I enjoy it.
Most of the girls I've dated approached me and things sort of went from there.. This is sort of contrary to the societal norm that says the guy should approach the girl.
I don't do this because I'd hate to put her in an uncomfortable position...
It's not that I care myself, but I care what other people think
I realize that the same thoughts may be going through her head as you've descirbed.. For this reason I'm less fourthcoming than most of my guy friends... This like everything else is based on perspective.
I fear society's judgement too much
Like physical conditioning - mental and emotional conditioning also take time.
It's very important that other peoples' thoughts and opinions are merely based on perception, past experience, lack of knowlege etc. These are not facts and often couldn't be farther from the truth! What's important is what makes you happy... Does it really matter what others think? How will what they think have a huge impact on your life in general? Everyone is free to think what they think.. You have little control over that. But it shouldn't make the slightest difference as long as you're happy.
Finally -
If you're curious about his condition, the best thing to do is ask him directly. Bear in mind that this is a sensitive issue for some people.. I usually bring it up myself as I know that although people are curious, only a select few work up the courage to ask. On the flip side he may not be 100% comfortable with discussing it... It's something you may want to bring up eventually if he doesn't do it first... But concentrate on what you have in common beforehand.
Hope it works out for you two.. :)
If you have any specific questions please ask and I'll try to answer as
best I can.
F.S